Random question:

msmith5251s
msmith5251s Posts: 80
edited October 1 in Chit-Chat
I really just need someone to talk to - I am so depressed.

Scenario: My fiance added this girl that he works with on facebook - and later I saw her ask him "why did you say all of those things to me if you knew we could never be together because you are engaged?".... I confronted my fiance about it and he told me that she came up to him sad because her boyfriend recently broke up with her (apparently she was saying stuff like 'why am I so ugly', 'no one likes me' etc). So he told me that he tried to comfort her by telling her "you are pretty, if I wasn't engaged I could definitely see myself with you". Apparently she asked him if he would ever leave me for her, and apparently he said 'no'... but I can only assume he isn't lying.

Question: Should I be okay with this?

Please give me advice.

Replies

  • skittybang
    skittybang Posts: 1,525 Member
    Yes. That seems like a very likely scenario. And a girl that was just broken up with is going to be vulnerable. I don't see a problem. If you trust him, this should be a no-brainer.
  • TMcBooty
    TMcBooty Posts: 780 Member
    oh wow. I'm sort of iffy about the whole if I weren't engaged I'd date you comment because I know I'd be heated.. but at the same time, he is with you. Unless you have actual proof and/or reason to not trust him, I'd say be okay with it. He is yours afterall! (:
  • vivie72
    vivie72 Posts: 127 Member
    I guess the real question is are you ok with this. Trust is the #1 thing you have to have. He may be telling the truth and he may not. We all know there are needy woman out their and as well as men who are dogs. Only you can decide what to believe. I know that isn't much help because I didn't give you a straight answer. But, you know in your gut what to believe.
  • ohwhataday
    ohwhataday Posts: 1,398 Member
    I would let it go.. for now. Dudes don't like when you flip out at the smallest of things, even if they seem big to us.
  • GTOgirl1969
    GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
    Hell no you shouldn't be OK with it. I've been on both sides of the cheating issue in relationships, and trust me- he would never have said such things if there wasn't a grain of truth to what he was saying.

    Does he comfort YOU like that when you are upset?
  • Judysiguaw
    Judysiguaw Posts: 12 Member
    I have been around the block a few times, so I am speaking wth years of experience as a foundation for what I am about to write. While I hate to add to your depression, I suspect your boyfriend is lying to you and that he likely came on to this girl. You just happened to "catch" him. I think you probably also recognize that he is lying to you, but you don't really want to acknowledge it. Move on. You are young and there are lots of men out there.
  • beckywallin
    beckywallin Posts: 6
    Is there a reason why you wouldn't trust him? I know I would go off on my fiance if I ever seen something like that! He had a comment on there that said "I love you mom" and it wasn't his mom so I asked him about it. It was his best friend's mom. If you trust him and you KNOW he is telling the truth, good. If not, I don't know.
  • msmith5251s
    msmith5251s Posts: 80
    He has lied to me several times. Less significant, but a lie altogether.
    Such as telling me he wasn't smoking marijuana - when he was.
    Or telling me he wouldn't talk to this girl (a completely different girl than the one in the subject matter) - when he did.
    Or texting/calling this girl (again, another girl) and complaining about our relationship.
    Ugh.


    Edit: However, my head is telling me I should trust him - and just hope nothing like this happens again... but my heart is still paining... And I did yell at him/cry which just pissed him off at me for thinking it was 'such a big deal'... so I asked him if I did the same thing would he be upset but he told me that that was different. I really don't know.
  • marquesajen
    marquesajen Posts: 641
    I guess it depends. Do you trust him? Has there ever been a problem before? Honestly, if one of my guy friends got dumped I would probably tell them similar things, maybe not I'd date them, but yea. I find that sometimes my husband and I mean to say the same things, but he words it differently than me and realizes later that he uses the wrong word/phrase. Could be an innocent mess up.
  • angelicdisgrace
    angelicdisgrace Posts: 2,071 Member
    Wow. Hmm tough one. What I would do is confront her *kitten* and set her straight. Stop sniffing where you don't belong *kitten*. If she tells you it's your man then confront them both the truth will come out. Having doubts is never good bc your mind will race with all different sorts of scenarios. Ok shes fresh out of a relationship and trying to break up another. Look out for yourself. Good luck hope things workout for the best.
  • SkateboardFi
    SkateboardFi Posts: 1,322 Member
    this is absolutely NOT okay. my boyfriend has consoled coworkers with crappy husbands/boyfriends and never ONCE has he said 'if i weren't in a relationship..blah blah blah' and ironically, even without him saying something like that, just because he was there to listen to them they professed their 'love' for him and that's WITHOUT provocation. he definitely wouldn't be okay if i said something like that to a dude or female for that matter. and because this girl is vulnerable of COURSE she's going to ask if he'd leave you for her because of what he just told her. i have a theory about this sort of thing. i met this girl, who had a girlfriend, and told me 'if i were single i would totally date you'. to which i replied that i was sorry she was so unfulfilled with her relationship that she had to even throw that hypothetical statement out there. he might have meant well by what he said, but there are better ways to console someone. if it's bothering you (which it has to be if you're putting it on here) talk to him about why you think it was wrong, and hopefully he can see where you're coming from. ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed.
  • beckywallin
    beckywallin Posts: 6
    the whole "i'd get with you if I wasn't engaged" is what threw me off. and he obviously told her no after the comment she left on his FB ... maybe he's telling the truth??
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    Yes. That seems like a very likely scenario. And a girl that was just broken up with is going to be vulnerable. I don't see a problem. If you trust him, this should be a no-brainer.
    this.

    ETA: the converse of this is that if you already don't trust him, don't waste your time anymore. This won't go anywhere good.
  • GTOgirl1969
    GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
    Wow. Hmm tough one. What I would do is confront her *kitten* and set her straight. Stop sniffing where you don't belong *kitten*. If she tells you it's your man then confront them both the truth will come out. Having doubts is never good bc your mind will race with all different sorts of scenarios. Ok shes fresh out of a relationship and trying to break up another. Look out for yourself. Good luck hope things workout for the best.

    What she said....and...exactly HOW would it be different if you did the same thing? He's not only borderline cheating, he's a liar AND a hypocrite. What's good for the goose should be good for the gander.
  • SkateboardFi
    SkateboardFi Posts: 1,322 Member
    Wow. Hmm tough one. What I would do is confront her *kitten* and set her straight. Stop sniffing where you don't belong *kitten*. If she tells you it's your man then confront them both the truth will come out. Having doubts is never good bc your mind will race with all different sorts of scenarios. Ok shes fresh out of a relationship and trying to break up another. Look out for yourself. Good luck hope things workout for the best.

    and...exactly HOW would it be different if you did the same thing?

    i SWEAR i was thinking the same thing...i had a girlfriend who told me this, turned out she was cheating too.
  • Autumn15
    Autumn15 Posts: 213
    Wow so sorry to hear this...coming from a relationship with a compulsive cheating liar I've heard lots of things like this. My advice to you would be to follow your gut so many people don't do that anymore we just explain our gut feelings away or make excuses. If it has upset you this much or he's given previous reasons for you to feel doubt then chances are there could be something to it. Not necessarily that anything has actually happend to date but the potential is there and that is not a future you want for yourself.
  • SkateboardFi
    SkateboardFi Posts: 1,322 Member
    He has lied to me several times. Less significant, but a lie altogether.
    Such as telling me he wasn't smoking marijuana - when he was.
    Or telling me he wouldn't talk to this girl (a completely different girl than the one in the subject matter) - when he did.
    Or texting/calling this girl (again, another girl) and complaining about our relationship.
    Ugh.

    do these things still happen/bother you? one of my exes lied about talking to one of his ex girlfriends and it became the reason we broke up, i couldn't get over the fact that he would lie about her, it felt like he was taking her side. now i'm guilty of lying about smoking and complaining to others about my relationship but once my boyfriend let me know how much this bothered him i immediately stopped. each situation is different. is he making an effort to do better?
  • GTOgirl1969
    GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
    If he's lying about texting, what else is he lying about? That's what would get me. I'm honest (brutally honest, some might say), and I can't stand it when people play passive-aggressive little games and leave things out/lie by omission.
  • Oliverseanj
    Oliverseanj Posts: 27 Member
    truth is..and this is only from the accounts of myself and the men i know..and have spoken with over the years...

    we don't put a lot of thought into things like social networking and we rarely view text messaging as actual conversation/contact with any woman of interest...

    i'm going out on a limb that the reason that most men tried to hide these offenses is because we know that women do see them as bigger than we do..

    me personally i'm more moved by why a significant other does things...more so than the act itself...i.e.

    i don't get upset at a person from my ladies past saying "hi" and her saying "how you been" back...

    as long as the conversation is respectful i view it as two adults conversing and i trust my girlfriend to govern herself accordingly as to not do, say or entertain anything that is disrespectful to our relationship..and i'm sorry...simply SPEAKING to someone is not in violation of any relationship rule...other than a nonconformity to one parties insecurities..

    i think when you start putting constraints on your partner that are placed without justification you start putting strains on other areas...no one likes to be accused without cause and i suggest talk to him about how you feel about it..and ask him why he feels its ok...he'll answer truthfully in that he doesn't feel its a big deal because he has no feelings for her..

    often times women don't see how quickly a man can get over a woman from his past based on their own inability to let sleeping dogs lie...
  • juliecat1
    juliecat1 Posts: 3,450 Member
    He has lied to me several times. Less significant, but a lie altogether.
    Such as telling me he wasn't smoking marijuana - when he was.
    Or telling me he wouldn't talk to this girl (a completely different girl than the one in the subject matter) - when he did.
    Or texting/calling this girl (again, another girl) and complaining about our relationship.
    Ugh.


    Edit: However, my head is telling me I should trust him - and just hope nothing like this happens again... but my heart is still paining... And I did yell at him/cry which just pissed him off at me for thinking it was 'such a big deal'... so I asked him if I did the same thing would he be upset but he told me that that was different. I really don't know.

    I WAS going to say to let it go but file it away. Until I read this. Nope. Seems a little like history repeating itself here and he got caught.

    Also, you came to him hurt and crying - just like this other chick apparently did. He comforted her. Sweet talked her. To you he yelled and got mad? something to think about
  • Sasssy69
    Sasssy69 Posts: 547 Member


    Does he comfort YOU like that when you are upset?

    This is what I was wondering. If my SO said this to another woman, I would be hurt beyond belief. Watch out for this one...guard your heart.
  • msmith5251s
    msmith5251s Posts: 80
    To Oliverseanj: You know, if he didn't restrict who I spoke with (and hold double standards on everything) it wouldn't be such a problem. He doesn't even like me talking to my FEMALE best friend... and obviously he is disrespecting our relationship by telling his coworker that he wouldn't mind being with her if he wasn't with me... It just hurts my feelings a lot I guess... but thinking about it, I would probably console one of my male friends if they came up to me claiming they were ugly by saying 'no you aren't', but I would NOT go so far as to saying 'I could easily see myself with you'.

    To Sasssy69: No he does not comfort me like that... I have been crying, and tried getting comfort from him by crying on his shoulder and all he had to say to me was 'stop getting your tears on me'.

    Update: today he put a privacy lock on his phone - told me he needed his privacy... blah blah blah, he eventually took it off after a few hours - but I still feel rather insecure.
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
    Update: today he put a privacy lock on his phone - told me he needed his privacy... blah blah blah, he eventually took it off after a few hours - but I still feel rather insecure.

    I try not to give out relationship advice...unless it's in the form of recommending moderation in your reactions...

    But I draw the line here. You are engaged, not married...meaning it's not too late to take action if necessary. IF all you are saying is true (I say IF, not because I think you are a liar or lying, but because it can be your point of view, without the input of the other person...so please think carefully about what I'm going to say, in that light)...it would be game over for me.

    A marriage, and that's what an engagement is to me, in effect...a promise to marry (and I don't break promises)...does not need 'privacy'. If it does...it's time to figure out why and fix it...or end it before you make the mistake of saying 'I do'...and end up divorced...hopefully without children.

    Good luck hun.
  • cantjustcant
    cantjustcant Posts: 1,027 Member
    June 2010 I had been living a dream with a wonderful guy. Everyone said we were perfect...at least on the outside. Then crap like this started happening. From the first nagging thought to the time I left I discovered 10 women he was sexting and IMing with! My advice to you is RUN! Yes it will hurt like hell....but it hurts worse when your suspicions are confirmed!
  • messyinthekitchen
    messyinthekitchen Posts: 662 Member
    What the *kitten*. I am majorly surprised so many women are okay with this. WOW...How about *kitten* no you shouldnt be okay with it. Let's just say he's telling you the truth here ans he was trying to console her hurt feelings which I think is BS but we'll use it for this scenario. HE asked YOU to MARRY HIM. Meaning how you feel should be put first before any other lady. So what if she has a piece of crap ex bf. This is his co worker you say??? Do you care that much about your co workers?? Wow I'm sorry I'm not trying to be rude her but this was a real **** move on his part. Not only is this embarrassing, how he spoke to her makes your relationship look real iffy, and it does seem like your bf is nothing short of a liar. Perhaps I'm just a ***** (I hope I can say that). But who I am with is my first priority I put them, how they feel and my relationship before anyone and especially some co-worker. I am an incredibly trusting person but I would not fall for this. If I were in your shoes I'd be telling him to pack his stuff and get the hell out of my house, simply for the fact that he showed me how strong our bond is. And an fyi you can always talk to this girl since she was ballsy enough to put it on his fb.
  • messyinthekitchen
    messyinthekitchen Posts: 662 Member
    P.S After reading the rest of this thread, I have to say you do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you. I think it's time to sit down and weigh the pros and cons of your relationship and decide weather it is worth it to you to stay. I am sorry you are having to go through this. If someone really does loves you they would not hurt you.
  • Natasha233
    Natasha233 Posts: 48 Member
    I think you might be overreacting a bit. If you feel secure about yourself and your relationship, then it will be fine. However, seeing your second post on this thread - tells me otherwise, and you might have a reason to confront him. I think that deep down - you know EXACTLY what to do and you already know the answer to this scenario. Navigating the waters of the XY chromosome is never easy lol. Good luck to you with all of this.
  • cantjustcant
    cantjustcant Posts: 1,027 Member
    I work with an engaged couple and there is another co-worker who has been all over the man. She added him on FB, she texts him and the girl recently found naked pictures she has sent him...he does this when he knows they work together! You deserve better than that!
  • SkateboardFi
    SkateboardFi Posts: 1,322 Member
    truth is..and this is only from the accounts of myself and the men i know..and have spoken with over the years...

    we don't put a lot of thought into things like social networking and we rarely view text messaging as actual conversation/contact with any woman of interest...

    i'm going out on a limb that the reason that most men tried to hide these offenses is because we know that women do see them as bigger than we do..

    me personally i'm more moved by why a significant other does things...more so than the act itself...i.e.

    i don't get upset at a person from my ladies past saying "hi" and her saying "how you been" back...

    as long as the conversation is respectful i view it as two adults conversing and i trust my girlfriend to govern herself accordingly as to not do, say or entertain anything that is disrespectful to our relationship..and i'm sorry...simply SPEAKING to someone is not in violation of any relationship rule...other than a nonconformity to one parties insecurities..

    i think when you start putting constraints on your partner that are placed without justification you start putting strains on other areas...no one likes to be accused without cause and i suggest talk to him about how you feel about it..and ask him why he feels its ok...he'll answer truthfully in that he doesn't feel its a big deal because he has no feelings for her..

    often times women don't see how quickly a man can get over a woman from his past based on their own inability to let sleeping dogs lie...

    but that's not what this is about. so would you choose to tell a woman that? 'if i were single i could easily see myself with you' ? and would you be okay with me telling someone that? i don't think you would be. it's not about the fact that he's talking to this coworker, it's WHAT he's saying to her, and how he's treating his fiancee
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
    truth is..and this is only from the accounts of myself and the men i know..and have spoken with over the years...

    we don't put a lot of thought into things like social networking and we rarely view text messaging as actual conversation/contact with any woman of interest...

    i'm going out on a limb that the reason that most men tried to hide these offenses is because we know that women do see them as bigger than we do..

    me personally i'm more moved by why a significant other does things...more so than the act itself...i.e.

    i don't get upset at a person from my ladies past saying "hi" and her saying "how you been" back...

    as long as the conversation is respectful i view it as two adults conversing and i trust my girlfriend to govern herself accordingly as to not do, say or entertain anything that is disrespectful to our relationship..and i'm sorry...simply SPEAKING to someone is not in violation of any relationship rule...other than a nonconformity to one parties insecurities..

    i think when you start putting constraints on your partner that are placed without justification you start putting strains on other areas...no one likes to be accused without cause and i suggest talk to him about how you feel about it..and ask him why he feels its ok...he'll answer truthfully in that he doesn't feel its a big deal because he has no feelings for her..

    often times women don't see how quickly a man can get over a woman from his past based on their own inability to let sleeping dogs lie...

    but that's not what this is about. so would you choose to tell a woman that? 'if i were single i could easily see myself with you' ? and would you be okay with me telling someone that? i don't think you would be. it's not about the fact that he's talking to this coworker, it's WHAT he's saying to her, and how he's treating his fiancee

    As a guy...I've got to go with Fi here. I agree with some of what you said...but it in reality, our 'outlook' as guys (and I don't agree with all of it, just some)...doesn't give us a pass to be an *kitten*, lie, cheat (whether actually physically cheating or not...if he said those things, he cheated), etc.

    Sorry...that's just not how reality works...and is certainly not how a successful relationship works.
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