VENT- unsolicited advice
lauragreenbaum
Posts: 1,017 Member
in Chit-Chat
UGH- I have a friend who I care about a lot, but whenever I tell her about anything: my diet, my love life, my job, my workout routine, basically ANYTHING she gives me her advice and it's usually the opposite of what I'm doing. Drives me crazy! I never ask her, but she'll go on and on about what I "should" do. I truly believe she just wants the best for me but sometimes I feel like she disregards my decisions and what I want out of life. What can I say that won't make this a "thing" but to make her understand I don't appreciate it?
3
Replies
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Tell her. Period. Sugar coating doesn't work on some people.2
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Depends on how much you value the relationship with this person, or more specifically, peace and harmony in the relationship. You don't have to agree with her or take her advice to heart, you can simply say "You may be right" and change the subject. No hurt feelings and no bruised egos. Ultimately the choices in what you do are up to you.
If you think you can be honest and open with her, then tell her how her advice-giving makes you feel, in a manner that is as non-accusatory and non-blaming as possible.2 -
Good advice. I feel like I'm always having to justify my choices with her0
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If she's a complete pain in the neck, why not just find a new friend ?3
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Motorsheen wrote: »If she's a complete pain in the neck, why not just find a new friend ?
Because I don't toss my friends aside that easily. And, she's not a pain in the neck all of the time. I just got frustrated today.3 -
Honesty. You just need to tell her it bothers you. just explain that sometimes you just need to talk about things and that her listening is a great support, but that you need to work out your own solutions.3
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That's what I'd do! I don't have people in my life if I feel like they aren't good for me. That includes friends and family members.Motorsheen wrote: »If she's a complete pain in the neck, why not just find a new friend ?
But it'd be a dull.world if everyone was the same
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lauragreenbaum wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »If she's a complete pain in the neck, why not just find a new friend ?
Because I don't toss my friends aside that easily. And, she's not a pain in the neck all of the time. I just got frustrated today.
*shrug
The ability to 'easily toss friends aside' probably depends on the level of the friendship.
I could kick a friend, or two, to the curb and not even give it a second thought. ( example: Drama = Gone. )
Other friends, are friends pretty much for life.
.
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I am that friend. (Not literally, I don't know her) I have a tendency to offer unsolicited advice all the time. I genuinely feel I'm helping. I hear people complaining about a situation, and while a part of me KNOWS they really just want to be heard and *kitten*, another part of me wants to FIX IT. I know I should be a better listener. Maybe you should let her know that what you really need from her is to listen? (There I go again...)
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Maybe she plays the devil's advocate just to keep the conversation juicy.
Otherwise she's that friend agreeing with everything you say while scrolling through her phone and making you feel like you're talking too much.
I hate when you open up to a friend and lay something heavy on them and all they got for you is a "mm hm". It's not even the long mmm hmmm that shows interest. It's the short "mm" with the short "hm". Basically they couldn't give a *kitten*.
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Maybe she plays the devil's advocate just to keep the conversation juicy.
Otherwise she's that friend agreeing with everything you say while scrolling through her phone and making you feel like you're talking too much.
I hate when you open up to a friend and lay something heavy on them and all they got for you is a "mm hm". It's not even the long mmm hmmm that shows interest. It's the short "mm" with the short "hm". Basically they couldn't give a *kitten*.
Sounds like you and the OP should swap friends
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If I might throw my 2 cents in, coming from the side that's giving the 'advice'.
It...hard, for me to tell when I've said or done something that's bothered someone. Most times, by the time I figure it out, I've been doing it for weeks. Sometimes months.
This is why I love peolle who are brutally honest with me. They will tell me when I cross a line, or make a mistake. They are so few and far between, that I treasure them like gold.
And these are the people who I always make an effort to be around.
If you like this friend, tell them the truth. She might be mad for a bit, but either she's strong enough to realize she's wrong and fix a flaw, or she's not worth the time, energy, and effort to be around.
(BTW, this is a flaw I've had to correct about myself too. Its not easy, but it is doable)2 -
Something that helped me with a friend like this was learning how different we see things.
He would hear problems and assume I was talking about them because I wanted a solution. And if he hears about someone's problem, it is honestly psychologically stressful for him NOT to try and solve. It sticks with him, makes him worry, etc...
I would talk about things because I just wanted someone to listen, or might want emotional support, but was not looking for solutions to the problem because I already had my own ideas and I just felt like I was being told what to do.
Best thing that helped was literally just having a short conversation about it. 'I know that you really like to try and help me by offering suggestions to solve a problem I might have when we talk, but I need you to know that this is not what I'm hoping for when we talk. I'm just looking to share something with my friend, to laugh or cry about it together (or whatever) and that is all. I just like to talk about this stuff. Hearing solutions is something I find stressful unless I've specifically asked for it."
And when I then had a need to have a conversation where I just wanted listening, I just brought it up: I really feel like venting about something today, but without working on a solution for the problem. Would you be up for listening to that right now?
Because I want the conversation to be good for me, and good for the other person too, you know?5 -
Something that helped me with a friend like this was learning how different we see things.
He would hear problems and assume I was talking about them because I wanted a solution. And if he hears about someone's problem, it is honestly psychologically stressful for him NOT to try and solve. It sticks with him, makes him worry, etc...
I would talk about things because I just wanted someone to listen, or might want emotional support, but was not looking for solutions to the problem because I already had my own ideas and I just felt like I was being told what to do.
Best thing that helped was literally just having a short conversation about it. 'I know that you really like to try and help me by offering suggestions to solve a problem I might have when we talk, but I need you to know that this is not what I'm hoping for when we talk. I'm just looking to share something with my friend, to laugh or cry about it together (or whatever) and that is all. I just like to talk about this stuff. Hearing solutions is something I find stressful unless I've specifically asked for it."
And when I then had a need to have a conversation where I just wanted listening, I just brought it up: I really feel like venting about something today, but without working on a solution for the problem. Would you be up for listening to that right now?
Because I want the conversation to be good for me, and good for the other person too, you know?
You sound like a smart cookie2 -
Something that helped me with a friend like this was learning how different we see things.
He would hear problems and assume I was talking about them because I wanted a solution. And if he hears about someone's problem, it is honestly psychologically stressful for him NOT to try and solve. It sticks with him, makes him worry, etc...
I would talk about things because I just wanted someone to listen, or might want emotional support, but was not looking for solutions to the problem because I already had my own ideas and I just felt like I was being told what to do.
Best thing that helped was literally just having a short conversation about it. 'I know that you really like to try and help me by offering suggestions to solve a problem I might have when we talk, but I need you to know that this is not what I'm hoping for when we talk. I'm just looking to share something with my friend, to laugh or cry about it together (or whatever) and that is all. I just like to talk about this stuff. Hearing solutions is something I find stressful unless I've specifically asked for it."
And when I then had a need to have a conversation where I just wanted listening, I just brought it up: I really feel like venting about something today, but without working on a solution for the problem. Would you be up for listening to that right now?
Because I want the conversation to be good for me, and good for the other person too, you know?
This sounds like a great idea.1 -
I have a habit of having complete conversations in my head about something I want to tackle. Kind of a practice run...then I let my husband in on it, He says I think like a golf ball in a tiled bathroom lol! So when I do this he just says "golfball" and I know I need to fill him in on the details I already worked out in my head.
Be up front and tell her. Then set up a code word for when she starts to offer unsolicited advice.2 -
Be upfront. Tell her you know she cares about you, and only has the best intentions in mind but that when you talk to her about things you’re not seeking her advice or looking for someone to play devils advocate, and that you know that if you ever do need her advice she’s there and you feel comfortable asking for it.
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I'm on team "just bluntly tell her".
She may not realize what she is doing or that she's talking to a wall with her (probably) well-intentioned advice.
I have a friend whose approach to just about everything is really different from my own. She complains a lot about communication with her husband and about failed weight loss attempts. It is hard for me not to give unsolicited advice like counting calories instead of doing MLM schemes and fad diets, and having direct conversations with her husband instead of pouting, sulking, and "disappearing" for hours in order to make him
"miss her". But after years of this, I know she doesn't want or value my advice so I just try to change topics, honestly.2 -
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seltzermint555 wrote: »I'm on team "just bluntly tell her".
She may not realize what she is doing or that she's talking to a wall with her (probably) well-intentioned advice.
I have a friend whose approach to just about everything is really different from my own. She complains a lot about communication with her husband and about failed weight loss attempts. It is hard for me not to give unsolicited advice like counting calories instead of doing MLM schemes and fad diets, and having direct conversations with her husband instead of pouting, sulking, and "disappearing" for hours in order to make him
"miss her". But after years of this, I know she doesn't want or value my advice so I just try to change topics, honestly.
I have learnt not to offer advice unless asked.1 -
Thanks for the responses. I actually just talked to her. I brought it up and said I've been wanting to talk to her about it for a while now. I told her I know her advice comes from a place of love and caring, but that sometimes I really don't want it and it makes me feel like I have to defend my decision. We talked it through, and she said from now on she'll ask "Would you like some advice on that?" and if I say "no thanks" she'll respect it and let it go. She actually said her sister tells her the same thing all the time but isn't as nice about it---so we had a good laugh about that. Thanks again!6
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lauragreenbaum wrote: »Thanks for the responses. I actually just talked to her. I brought it up and said I've been wanting to talk to her about it for a while now. I told her I know her advice comes from a place of love and caring, but that sometimes I really don't want it and it makes me feel like I have to defend my decision. We talked it through, and she said from now on she'll ask "Would you like some advice on that?" and if I say "no thanks" she'll respect it and let it go. She actually said her sister tells her the same thing all the time but isn't as nice about it---so we had a good laugh about that. Thanks again!
That's good to hear!
..... you know that you'll never see or hear from her ever again, right?
j/k2 -
glad your worked it out!0
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Motorsheen wrote: »lauragreenbaum wrote: »Thanks for the responses. I actually just talked to her. I brought it up and said I've been wanting to talk to her about it for a while now. I told her I know her advice comes from a place of love and caring, but that sometimes I really don't want it and it makes me feel like I have to defend my decision. We talked it through, and she said from now on she'll ask "Would you like some advice on that?" and if I say "no thanks" she'll respect it and let it go. She actually said her sister tells her the same thing all the time but isn't as nice about it---so we had a good laugh about that. Thanks again!
That's good to hear!
..... you know that you'll never see or hear from her ever again, right?
j/k
LOL- not true, but funny0 -
lauragreenbaum wrote: »Thanks for the responses. I actually just talked to her. I brought it up and said I've been wanting to talk to her about it for a while now. I told her I know her advice comes from a place of love and caring, but that sometimes I really don't want it and it makes me feel like I have to defend my decision. We talked it through, and she said from now on she'll ask "Would you like some advice on that?" and if I say "no thanks" she'll respect it and let it go. She actually said her sister tells her the same thing all the time but isn't as nice about it---so we had a good laugh about that. Thanks again!
Sometimes it can help to tell the person, "I just need someone to listen", or if you want advice say, "I would like advice on this". Before you start talking to that person. That way there is no confusion.2
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