Need advice on behalf of a friend @ eating disorder.

albali
albali Posts: 225 Member
edited October 1 in Health and Weight Loss
Hi
My friend has recently lost quite a lot of weight. She was never plump, and is now skinny. I mean really quite skinny. She lost the weight quickly, perhaps over the space of three months, and perhaps lost two to two and a half stone. The first time I really wondered if there was an issue, was when we went out for dinner and after dinner she spent a long time in the toilet (enough time for me to smoke two *kitten* - when I was a smoker!).

The next dinner out she did similar, but also went to the toilet for ages before we ate.
At her house one lunchtime, she made us sandwiches and when I turned my back, hers disappeared. I am convinced they went in the bin.

Last week made me really worried when we were out for lunch and she ate a cracker (having spent ages in the toilet before this). I said to her I was worried she was eating so little (not healthy stuff either) but she said she eats a big dinner in the evening. Well, having been out with her, I know she doesn't eat a 'big' dinner. She ordered burger and chips and left the bun and only ate half the chips. But she didn't seem worried! I was though.

I am just concerned that there may be an eating issue and I would like to support her. Is it odd to spend ages in the loo before eating, as well as after? ~That seems odd to me. Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't want to scare her or make her feel bad, but I do want to know if she is struggling with food and I'd like to know if asking her outright is too brutal, or if I should ignore it and wait to see if she wants to talk!

Thanks in advance.

Replies

  • RiawnaIsFatFailure
    RiawnaIsFatFailure Posts: 32
    No dont ask her out wright and do not leave it
    try and not ask her out to lunch ether
    but try to encourage her to talk about any problems she has food not the problem somthing else is try and ask her what and comfort her in to finding out what.
  • HollyTsiaussis
    HollyTsiaussis Posts: 415 Member
    I honestly think there is something up with her. Having an eating disorder myself, I know that being in the bathroom for a long time before or after a meal, may mean that she is purging. This may not be certain, but it is likely. However, it could be something such as she has fell ill for months with a disease or something of the sort. She may not want to tell anyone because she doesn't want you to worry.

    I think you should ask her about it directly. Depending on how close of a friend she is to you, it shouldn't be considered brutal at all. You are concerned about her health and well-being. Ask her to go out for coffee, and talk to her about it. Tell her how worried you are about her. I'm sure she will end up confessing if your beliefs are true or not.

    Hope this helped you. Pm me and tell me how it goes.
  • Gemini_at_36
    Gemini_at_36 Posts: 207
    I would explain to her what I have noticed. Then I would say, "how can I help." I would keep talking to her because what you have noticed is not going to go away. Hope this helps.:flowerforyou:
  • RiawnaIsFatFailure
    RiawnaIsFatFailure Posts: 32
    theres alweays b-eat
  • losinit_4_good
    losinit_4_good Posts: 731 Member
    Scary situation. I'd suggest calling a dietician or even a counselor and speaking to them about how to help your friend.
  • AimingHighWeighingLow
    AimingHighWeighingLow Posts: 192 Member
    I can 100% relate, prior to having my children I was anorexic, I used every technique under the sun to avoid eating. I would even eat and them go and throw up afterwards just to please my friends at the time!

    There will be very little you can do! Sorry, you will not want to hear that, but this is a body image issue that your friend has you telling her beautiful will do nothing to comfort her I am afraid, she will think you're saying it just because you're her friend.

    If you confront her, one of two things will happen, she will open up or she will get 'smarter.' My advice to you is simple, encourage her to eat, do things that involve her eating, but do it subtly. So...hey...do you fancy coming to the movies...and we could go for dinner afterwards.

    If she becomes ill then I would get a little more serious and confront her, but to begin with just monitor her, you may be able to help break the cycle early.
  • AimingHighWeighingLow
    AimingHighWeighingLow Posts: 192 Member
    theres alweays b-eat

    Can I ask, is that you in the picture and what your height is?
  • SpartanTrainer
    SpartanTrainer Posts: 23
    Definately talk to her and also try to convince her to seek medical help (she needs medical help even before seeing a counselor); if not taken care of this situation could become life-threatening. Be advised though this is going to be a long process and she is going to hate you, but if you truly care about her be willing to be supportive and stand by her!!
  • Magalo
    Magalo Posts: 3
    I bet she's dying for you to notice. Tell her you are worried.
  • RiawnaIsFatFailure
    RiawnaIsFatFailure Posts: 32
    theres alweays b-eat

    Can I ask, is that you in the picture and what your height is?
    yes that is me im a shortie 5'4.3
  • AshinAms
    AshinAms Posts: 283 Member
    I am eating disordered and I haven't any idea whether you should talk to her or not, but can give you one tip to try deal with it:

    Remember that eating disorders are NOT about food. Mine is about having control over my environment when that control has disappeared elsewhere and that seems to be a common theme from what many psychotherapists have told me in the 20 odd years I've had this problem.

    I wouldn't encourage her to eat - I can remember being 'encouraged' when I was just plain old anorexic and it made me become bulimic. Instead maybe try and find out if there is other stuff going on - unhappy relationship/difficult time at work/has someone passed away/ etc etc.

    Good luck.
  • littlemili
    littlemili Posts: 625 Member
    Maybe she is disordered. Very possibly she is just crash dieting. Certain personality traits lend themselves to EDs such as perfectionism, anxiety, depression etc, if she generally exhibits any of these or similar in non-food situations you could be concerned. Mostly though I would say it's better to tell her how good she looks now and not assume she has an ED. When people notice my ED I get defensive but if they express an interest in my weight loss and say how great I look if anything it helps and I feel more able to talk openly about why I have lost weight and continue to do so.
  • ilookthetype
    ilookthetype Posts: 3,021 Member
    I had a friend who was bulemic and when we'd go out I refused to ever pay for her food because I knew she was throwing it up after and it was my way of letting her know that I was aware, that I cared, and that I wouldn't "participate" later when I developed my own ED and stopped eating my friends wouldn't go places with food, because I wouldn't eat anyway. I don't think any of it helped, but it forced me to acknowledge that my friend's knew.

    If a friend (aside from 1 or two very close friends) would have said anything I would have hit them. Straight up slapped them. I sought counceling and it helped. I'd also suggest just keeping an eye out for fresh cuts/scars on her arms, hips, thighs, stomach; self-mutilation and EDs often go hand-in-hand, it's one of our dirty secrets.
  • Kalrez
    Kalrez Posts: 655 Member
    While I knew that how I was handling food wasn't the way everyone else was, I didn't really consider it to be a problem for the longest time. Every trip to the ER, every conversation with the doc and nutritionist, I just kinda blew it off and attributed it to everyone else overreacting. Sure I had lost a fair amount of weight rather quickly, but I was still fat, so that means I'm okay, right? That's how I rationalized it. If anyone close to me tried to sit down and do an "intervention" I would have just been confused and angry. If nearly dieing on my bed wasn't enough to wake me up, then a friend having a heart-to-heart wasn't going to get anywhere either.

    That being said, if you can find a silent way to let your friend know that you're aware of what's going on, then that's probably not a bad idea. If she's in a public bathroom after a meal, go in and "wash your hands" and maybe say something like "Hey buddy, you okay in there?" to let her know that you are present. Don't hound her about what she's doing. If you hear her purging, don't comment on it. You simply letting her know that you're in the room is enough.

    If you want to try to get her to open up, don't talk about food. It's not about food. Does she have any strong stressors in her life? Family issues? Relocation? School? Work? Maybe talk about that stuff. If there's something going on where she feels out of control, helpless, lost, then maybe talking about it - even briefly - with a close friend may be enough for her to open her eyes a bit.

    In the meantime, try to do things that don't involve food. She'll likely appreciate not having to stress about it, and the two of you can actually enjoy each others company without being preoccupied.
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