Please help me...

J18300
J18300 Posts: 8 Member
in Food and Nutrition
I was finally recovering from my ed and eating a normal amount (1400-1700 a day) and was doing really well when I fell back into my starve-binge cycle again. I wanted to lose weight so bad and I started eating 1200 again but then binged from Friday to today... I feel so disgusting... I don’t even want to know how much weight I gained... I was 98 lbs on Thursday before the binge but I bet I’m up at least 7 lbs... I feel so hopeless that I’m never going to escape... This cycle has been going on for more than a year... I want to starve myself again because I ate so much but I know it will just lead to another binge... but at the same time I’m scared that if I go back to eating normally and don’t create a caloric deficit then I’m going to gain a lot of fat (I’ve eaten 3500+ calories every day since Friday, including a whole cake and a pint of ice cream on several days). What am I supposed to do?????

Replies

  • stjohn1998
    stjohn1998 Posts: 8 Member
    be thankful that you are able to gain that 7 pounds...i eat like 4,000 calories a day and dont gain a ounce...I have to constantly eat to maintain a couple pounds.....I drink MASS GAINER SHAKES EVERYDAY that is thousands of calories...I was never diagnosed with ED and drs, dont know why i dont gain....feeding tube is next.........just gain the weight and work out...enjoy life!!!
  • J18300
    J18300 Posts: 8 Member
    stjohn1998 wrote: »
    be thankful that you are able to gain that 7 pounds...i eat like 4,000 calories a day and dont gain a ounce...I have to constantly eat to maintain a couple pounds.....I drink MASS GAINER SHAKES EVERYDAY that is thousands of calories...I was never diagnosed with ED and drs, dont know why i dont gain....feeding tube is next.........just gain the weight and work out...enjoy life!!!

    I would literally give anything to be like you. Everyone would. Eating everything and not gaining weight is a blessing.
  • maureenkhilde
    maureenkhilde Posts: 849 Member
    Hmmm, this all sounds way too familiar. J18300 you need help as in therapy for your mind. And maybe you have been ob MFP a number of times with different names. As I really am sure I have read this exact same story before about being a bad person, ate too much, must have gained, afraid to look at scale and so on. Not meaning to ome across as mean.
    So you overate, tomorrow is another day.

    Sarko15, I agree with your comment, but be aware we have serial people on MFP that change their names frequently but the story remains the same. This sounds like one of them. Note they say been over a year.
  • sarko15
    sarko15 Posts: 330 Member
    edited September 2019
    maureenkhilde wrote: »
    Hmmm, this all sounds way too familiar. J18300 you need help as in therapy for your mind. And maybe you have been ob MFP a number of times with different names. As I really am sure I have read this exact same story before about being a bad person, ate too much, must have gained, afraid to look at scale and so on. Not meaning to ome across as mean.
    So you overate, tomorrow is another day.

    Sarko15, I agree with your comment, but be aware we have serial people on MFP that change their names frequently but the story remains the same. This sounds like one of them. Note they say been over a year.

    Maybe you're right, but that story isn't uncommon amongst people with EDs and almost everyone I know with an ED has used MFP to enable it at one point or another. One can definitely go through binge/purge cycles for over a year.
  • J18300
    J18300 Posts: 8 Member
    maureenkhilde wrote: »
    Hmmm, this all sounds way too familiar. J18300 you need help as in therapy for your mind. And maybe you have been ob MFP a number of times with different names. As I really am sure I have read this exact same story before about being a bad person, ate too much, must have gained, afraid to look at scale and so on. Not meaning to ome across as mean.
    So you overate, tomorrow is another day.

    Sarko15, I agree with your comment, but be aware we have serial people on MFP that change their names frequently but the story remains the same. This sounds like one of them. Note they say been over a year.

    I’ve only been using MFP for a few months... For most of the year I’ve been trying to lose weight I didn’t even use an app. Only when the weight stopped dropping did I start using MFP to try and control something... thanks for writing me off...
  • J18300
    J18300 Posts: 8 Member
    sarko15 wrote: »
    Please, please find a therapist. MFP is not where you should be working this out, but will make matters worse.

    As someone who has spent nearly their entire adult life in recovery from an eating disorder, I've only just recently been in a place where I can log on here again (and I still have to check in with myself pretty regularly to make sure it isn't becoming too much, probably always will). MFP is overwhelmingly triggering for folks with EDs -- please, log off and seek a professional's help. <3

    Thank you for your advice... unfortunately I just can’t bring myself to delete the app. Deleting the app means relinquishing control. I don’t have the time or money to seek professional help; broke college student working 3 jobs here. My family lives in a different state. I’m all alone right now. It’s looking kind of dark. I hope that you will continue to do better in your struggles, though. :)
  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,626 Member
    J18300 wrote: »
    stjohn1998 wrote: »
    be thankful that you are able to gain that 7 pounds...i eat like 4,000 calories a day and dont gain a ounce...I have to constantly eat to maintain a couple pounds.....I drink MASS GAINER SHAKES EVERYDAY that is thousands of calories...I was never diagnosed with ED and drs, dont know why i dont gain....feeding tube is next.........just gain the weight and work out...enjoy life!!!

    I would literally give anything to be like you. Everyone would. Eating everything and not gaining weight is a blessing.

    no, it is not. it is not healthy. being underweight has as many issues as being overweight. my husband seemingly cant gain weight. he eats a whole cake and it goes to MY rear end, without me taking a single bite. he wishes he could gain weight.

    OP - you need a therapist. Anyone with an ED needs professional help that strangers on the internet can not provide.
  • _liaa
    _liaa Posts: 20 Member
    As someone who has been in this position before I completely understand where you’re coming from with the guilt, hopelessness, and going back and forth with this pattern.

    Please please find an alternative before MFP; This has the potential to become an unhealthy obsession. Easier said than done, but focus your energy on something else before crazing over food, calories and losing weight. Seek professional advice, or confide in someone who can help you get in the right direction for the sake of your mental health. 💕

  • hmhill17
    hmhill17 Posts: 283 Member
    J18300 wrote: »
    sarko15 wrote: »
    Please, please find a therapist. MFP is not where you should be working this out, but will make matters worse.

    As someone who has spent nearly their entire adult life in recovery from an eating disorder, I've only just recently been in a place where I can log on here again (and I still have to check in with myself pretty regularly to make sure it isn't becoming too much, probably always will). MFP is overwhelmingly triggering for folks with EDs -- please, log off and seek a professional's help. <3

    Thank you for your advice... unfortunately I just can’t bring myself to delete the app. Deleting the app means relinquishing control. I don’t have the time or money to seek professional help; broke college student working 3 jobs here. My family lives in a different state. I’m all alone right now. It’s looking kind of dark. I hope that you will continue to do better in your struggles, though. :)

    See if your school has counseling services. I know my son's college does.
  • kenyonhaff
    kenyonhaff Posts: 1,377 Member
    J18300 wrote: »
    sarko15 wrote: »
    Please, please find a therapist. MFP is not where you should be working this out, but will make matters worse.

    As someone who has spent nearly their entire adult life in recovery from an eating disorder, I've only just recently been in a place where I can log on here again (and I still have to check in with myself pretty regularly to make sure it isn't becoming too much, probably always will). MFP is overwhelmingly triggering for folks with EDs -- please, log off and seek a professional's help. <3

    Thank you for your advice... unfortunately I just can’t bring myself to delete the app. Deleting the app means relinquishing control. I don’t have the time or money to seek professional help; broke college student working 3 jobs here. My family lives in a different state. I’m all alone right now. It’s looking kind of dark. I hope that you will continue to do better in your struggles, though. :)

    Are there resources at your college to help you? The campus health center? Your academic advisor (they might be there for academics but they are a resource for other things as well). Your dean? A campus chaplain (even if it isn't your faith or no faith as well)? One of your professors? Residential advisor? I completely understand a community or online college will be different than a "traditional" university -- but please, please reach out for help. Educational communities are filled with caring professionals of all kinds.

    Also realize that backing off of MFP is relinquishing control -- but this is a type of control that isn't healthy for you at this time.
  • tracybear86
    tracybear86 Posts: 163 Member
    OP - If you are in the U.S. please contact the National Eating Disorders Association helpline. They have both a toll free call in option or an online chat option. Most people are not able to combat their eating disorders without some kind of assistance.

    https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline
  • NewMeSM75
    NewMeSM75 Posts: 971 Member
    You should definitely seek professional help if you're 98 pounds and think you need to lose weight.
  • o0kody0o
    o0kody0o Posts: 642 Member
    edited September 2019
    I noticed you said you can’t afford to see a therapist or healthcare professional, and that you don’t have anyone. Could you maybe find an online support group? I believe these are free to join and you could chat to people who are going through the same thing. I’m just trying to think of an alternative to therapy and that’s all I can come up with. Sorry I can’t be of much help.

    All the best 🤗

    Edit: You said you’re at college. When I went to college we had counsellors we could talk to. Is that something you have access to? I’d definitely speak to someone at college as they might just be able to get you the help you need 😊
  • Anthem76
    Anthem76 Posts: 81 Member
    If you're serious about changing your life and moving on from the control ED has over your life, you'll find and use the services of a therapist. A good therapist will help you identify the reasons underlying your ED and how to heal, which will then impact every aspect of your life, not just your ED. The key here is that you have to want to change and I'm not sure that you do right now. I guarantee your college has free counseling. It's one hour/once a week. I guarantee you have one idle hour/week.

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