When the person who should be your biggest supporter

Is the one who seems to make the most negative comments, what do you do?

Examples:
Wife saw me weighing an apple and said well that's just obsessive. Why are you weighing that, aren't they good calories?
Has made multiple comments to the effect of, well if your denying yourself the things you really like, is it worth it?
When the kids asked why I was weighing everything, and putting it in my phone. I explained about calories and they kept asking how many calories things had after that. Wife freaked out that I was going to give them an eating disorder and I can't talk about calories around them.
My favorite: Well don't men tend to lose weight more quickly in the beginning, isn't that what's happening now and won't it slow down?

Replies

  • LyndaBSS
    LyndaBSS Posts: 6,970 Member
    Wow, I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Can you sit down with her and tell her that her negativity is upsetting you? My husband was my biggest cheerleader.

    I think it's great that you're using your journey as a teachable moment with your kids. Way to go, Dad. 💙
  • 88olds
    88olds Posts: 4,454 Member
    When the person who should be your biggest supporter, is the one who seems to make the most negative comments, what do you do?

    Why don’t you ask her? Please post a follow up. I’d like to hear about the answer.
  • puffbrat
    puffbrat Posts: 2,806 Member
    Is it possible she thinks she is being supportive and doesn't realize the negative effects of those comments? Do you think there is some underlying resentment or feeling of judgement about her own appearance? I agree with the others that you should sit down with her and talk about it.
  • AnnofB
    AnnofB Posts: 3,584 Member
    Change is scary to a lot of people. A lot of people feel any change in someone close to them is an indictment of THEIR way of life. As noted above, it's a good idea to have a heart to heart talk with her. Tell her why you want to get fit/healthy. And explain how MFP works regards to calorie counting and weighing.

    HTH. And good luck on your quest for good health.
  • I would just ask, has she known someone in the past who has had an eating disorder and is therefore nervous about it?
  • tcunbeliever
    tcunbeliever Posts: 8,219 Member
    It sounds like there is a communication problem that goes beyond just food.

    Start with talking to her about how it makes you feel when she makes these comments. Depending on her upbringing and life experience, this may actually be her idea of effective communication. Be prepared to discuss how you would prefer that she word her comments and try to understand what she is really objecting about, because it's probably not what she's actually saying.

    Also, be prepared for slip ups even if she genuinely tries to change her communication strategies.
  • CSARdiver
    CSARdiver Posts: 6,257 Member
    She isn't unhappy with you - she's unhappy with herself. Very likely afraid that if you change and she can't then you may leave. This is just a symptom of a greater problem - communication.

    Some people just get so mired in their own misery that they lash out at the concept of anyone attempting to better themselves. Confront it directly - every time. Ask her directly and make the point you're making here "I'm trying to make a change and would appreciate your support. These comments are not helping." She's projecting her own fears and insecurities onto you and your children, which is an absolute recipe for disaster.

    This was likely her parent's method of talking to her, so she's just repeating the cycle of passive aggressive behavior.
  • I'd agree with the others. She's feeling insecure about you making changes and isn't coping too well with it.

    I'd suggest waiting until the children arebtbaroubd then plan some time for the 2 of you to talk. Give her some reassurance that just because you're wanting to change your eating habits to lose weight, that doesn't mean you want to change your life or relationship with her.

    Change is scary when someone else starts it. I'd guess she feels very insecure and worried and whilst I don't agree with how she's expressing it, maybe she doesn't know how to say what she's feeling. If you love each other it's worth a calm and kind conversation about it.

    I wish you well and hope she will be able to accept what you're trying to do and even support you or join in.
  • JigglypuffSharpie
    JigglypuffSharpie Posts: 10 Member
    I don't necessarily agree that she's feeling insecure about herself. A lot of people think it's "good" to lecture others about obsessing over calories. They assume that some things count as being obsessive when it isn't the case. She just needs more education about weight loss and calorie deficits.
  • I would let her know that weighing foods and counting calories is simply for the purpose of scientific accuracy, and not an indication of your mental state.
  • OkieFitness
    OkieFitness Posts: 43 Member
    What do you do? You journey on, with or without their support - especially if you’ve already had the conversation about being more supportive - which should be the default position for a married couple anyway. The vows say in sickness AND IN HEALTH! Don’t worry about your kids they’ll sort it out if they choose to especially when they see Dad looking and feeling better. Kids are sponges. Adults generally are not unless they unlearn being set in their ways and resistant to change. The seeds are planted. I’d like to think my son who is rather self motivated got on the right track somewhat because of my influence and lost 40 pounds. My youngest daughter definitely sees the difference between her Dad on this fitness journey and her Mom and stepdad who are morbidly obese and make poor inconsistent health choices. Totally different quality of life. She said the other night, “Dad, let’s go for a walk!” That’s a big deal for a friend and screen centered 17 year old. Bottom line? You of course would love your wife’s support. But this journey is about YOU and it’s the one time in your life when being selfish pays off big time. If others choose to follow your lead and reap the peripheral benefits of that journey with you? Great! Thank them for their support and encouragement keeping your eye on the prize: A monumental better quality of life for you AND your loved ones! (Which makes this selfish act fold over into a decidedly unselfish one.)