Dating after weight loss

I don't really have any advice to offer, just want to let you know I'm going through the same thing and am still pretty guarded about it. It is somewhat easier because I don't have a strong desire for dating, but it is strange to navigate.

kmalik5 wrote: »

Hey guys! So I've been thinking a lot about this lately and wanted to see if anyone else has struggled with this at all.

I'm about 2/3 to my weight goal and I've dropped a noticeable amount (over 40 lbs). I say noticeable because, well, I'm starting to get noticed.

I was always heavy until recently, and as a result, I never really got hit on and I got turned down a lot by guys. It was tough, but I grew a lot, became a person I'm proud of regardless of my relationship status, and developed a more guarded mindset so I didn't get hurt.

Now, not only do strangers hit on me a lot more, but the guys in my life are just suddenly a lot nicer to me and I think a couple of them flirt with me now? I'm not sure, but my friend is telling me they are, haha. How do I navigate this? On one hand I want to be able to open up and accept attention, but on the other hand, I struggle from being guarded and the fact that since little else has changed, it's really the weight that's played a factor in this.

Hopefully this makes sense...I think just navigating the dating scene has become more difficult for me and I wanted to see if anyone else felt this way too!

I don't know this for certain but can only base it on my own experiences and what I have seen of others who have lost weight.

Some people when they are noticeably overweight or obese cover themselves up more, wearing less flattering clothes (essentially hiding behind the clothes) and may come across as less confident in themselves. When those same people lose a significant amount of weight, like you have, you may have subconsciously have become more self-confident and not be "hiding" behind larger clothes? A lot of people tie there self-worth to their looks/weight, is it possible you may have done this without realising it?

I don't think weight per se has as much as people think it does to do with the attention received. I have always obese as far as the scale is concerned for most of my twenties and thirties but I have always been relatively self-confident and have never noticed any difference in the attention I got when I was heavier vs when I lost 35lbs and underwent a big change in body composition.

I did however notice a change when I was finding difficulty recovering from an injury that was hampered by my weight, I was depressed, I became more withdrawn, less active and generally less outgoing and would have been visibly less confident.

If a guy wasn't interested in me when I was heavier, I wouldn't want him to be interested in me when I was lighter. He has to accept the inside of me not focusing on the outside of me.

Sure. It can be weird and disconcerting. I definitely get uncomfortable with attention, am frequently oblivious, and have flashbacks to "harharhar I was just joking when I asked you out!" from school.

I think it's important to not write people off as being shallow or whatever, just because they're interested in you now and maybe weren't (or wouldn't have been) when you were bigger. Unless someone is really obvious and SAYS the only difference they care about is your looks, why project that onto them? Maybe their previous disinterest had nothing to do with you, was just a timing thing, or your personality/confidence was more different than you realize.

Also... people should be allowed to have physical preferences without being demonized. Someone who is fit may just not be attracted to someone who is bigger and that should be okay. Physical attraction is important all on its own. It can also be a strong indicator of very serious lifestyle differences. Does an outdoorsy athlete have a lot in common with an obese couch potato? Maybe, but I'd bet they would clash more than they'd connect.

gcminton wrote: »

Sure. It can be weird and disconcerting. I definitely get uncomfortable with attention, am frequently oblivious, and have flashbacks to "harharhar I was just joking when I asked you out!" from school.

I think it's important to not write people off as being shallow or whatever, just because they're interested in you now and maybe weren't (or wouldn't have been) when you were bigger. Unless someone is really obvious and SAYS the only difference they care about is your looks, why project that onto them? Maybe their previous disinterest had nothing to do with you, was just a timing thing, or your personality/confidence was more different than you realize.

Also... people should be allowed to have physical preferences without being demonized. Someone who is fit may just not be attracted to someone who is bigger and that should be okay. Physical attraction is important all on its own. It can also be a strong indicator of very serious lifestyle differences. Does an outdoorsy athlete have a lot in common with an obese couch potato? Maybe, but I'd bet they would clash more than they'd connect.

I think physical attraction is certainly a part of relationships, especially in the beginning asking someone out phase. I don't think we can exactly expect someone to "love me no matter what for me" before even beginning to date them. I would be hesitant of dating someone who only would stay with you if you are skinny forever, but I think it's okay if it's someone who may show interest now who didn't before.

Look, my wife showed absolutely zero romantic interest in me before I grew a beard. Clean-shaven, it was "no, Mike is weird" and as soon as I grew a beard, it was "hey, who's that guy". My wife was attracted to beards, and at that time to older guys. When I grew a beard my age didn't change but I looked 10 years older than I was. And that changed her romantic interest in me. As others mentioned, I was probably more confident during that time too, so I am sure that had an effect.

But you know what, our relationship grew from that. My beard was not the only quality that she was attracted to. And as our relationship deepened, our love grew in a whole lot of ways that weren't physical. We have been married almost 6 years now, and have been together through both of us gaining a lot of weight, and even periods of time when I *gasp* shaved my beard. Relationships grow, and successful long term relationships don't usually get built on physical appearance being a driving factor of the relationship. But it can certainly play a part, especially in the beginning stages.