Grieving the loss of family member and dealing with personal

bete0noire
bete0noire Posts: 4 Member
edited October 2 in Motivation and Support
My grandfather just passed yesterday after a long painful period of illness. He's not in pain anymore, but I miss him more than I ever thought it'd be possible to - I didn't have a father growing up, I had him. On top of that, I'm losing a woman today who had been in my life and through everything with me for 8-9 years - my therapist (she's moving on in her career). I struggle with things like severe depression, and I have a past of eating disorder illness.

So basically, I feel ****ED.

In general and with everything, but here is where I focus on my health. After coming out of my own stay at a hospital a little over a month ago I decided that I really needed to have a renewed focus on my health - I've been trying to eat healthier and be more aware of how I was treating my body. It has been a struggle, as it is in general for everyone, but also for my own personal circumstances.

I'm very worried that my focus on my health and diet will disappear amidst my currently hardships, and I know that when that begins other more serious issues come up.

How have any of you coped and grieved in a healthy way? How have you been able to still consider and care for your health amid other struggles and seemingly more significant concerns? What helps you stay motivated? If any of you are also struggling/have struggled with death of a loved one, grief, depression, mood disorders, eating disorders.... how have you been able to cope healthily With times of hardship?

I'm really just looking for anything, any advice at all. Even if its not advice, maybe just some empathy. I'm feeling lost and overwhelmed, incredibly sad, and scared that I'll let go of myself in all of this. Holding on to my health is really the only way ill make it in one piece by the time things calm down..

Thanks in advance

Replies

  • vim_n_vigor
    vim_n_vigor Posts: 4,089 Member
    I would advise moving to maintenance for a week or two to give yourself time to cope and heal. The extra stress would likely make it very difficult to lose weight right now. Try focusing on a small part of your health that will have a big impact. Maybe just focus on more fruits and veggies, or just focus on getting a 30 minute walk, whatever works for you. Best of luck and I hope you feel better soon.
  • Katefab26
    Katefab26 Posts: 865
    I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I don't know you, but I'm sending hugs your way anyway. I just lost my grandfather earlier this year and have lost a couple of close friends due to accidents. I've also struggled with depression a LOT. The healthiest advice I can give you is to keep talking to people. Don't shut down on them. This site is great for having a lot of support and encouragement for even the smallest of steps in the right direction, which is wonderful! Feel free to add me if you wish. I know just where you're coming from. Keep at it, and remember that you're doing something positive for yourself :-)
  • Ajessie
    Ajessie Posts: 54
    I lost my mother three years ago so I totally know what you're going through. My first advice is to find another counselor ASAP! As far as staying healthy and things like that, I probably cant be much help because it is INCREDIBLY difficult. The only thing I can really suggest is to surround yourself with healthy food, so when you get that uncontrollable urge to snack, you have to snack on healthy stuff!

    I know one issue I had with my mother's death was that for a long time I wouldnt allow myself to "feel" it. I told myself over and over again that I was fine, that I didnt need anyone's help dealing with it, that I didnt need to talk to anyone about it. It wasn't true at all! You need to allow yourself to grieve, to process your feelings and it makes it easier in the long run. Feel free to friend me and message me if you ever need someone to talk to!
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
    This year we lost two people we were very close to, both with lingering illnesses. One of them left this world far too soon.
    The way I deal with it is just to keep doing what I am doing.
    Regular routines help.
    Good Luck and God Bless you.
  • Delyla07
    Delyla07 Posts: 49 Member
    I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my grandma before christmas last year, it was very hard when you've created such a bond with someone and to have it gone just like that! You have to remember that he would want you to take care of yourself and be happy and strong, as hard as it is. Take it a day at a time and then start setting little goals that you know you can accomplish, you don't want to set any too high because if something doesn't end up getting accomplished you will get down on yourself.
    Stay strong beautiful! And believe in yourself!
  • ayesha30
    ayesha30 Posts: 43
    Even though its been a little over a year since my mother passed, I still thiink about her every single day. I have most of my adult life struggled with my weight and have gone on multiple diets and never stuck to one. My motivation mainly is my health and being happy with myself,but secondly my mom was always motivating to me and now that she's gone I don't have that anymore. But it helps knowing that she is smiling down on me and I know she would be proud because I've come further than I ever have. So, hang in there!!!
  • kris1085
    kris1085 Posts: 1,436 Member
    Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my grandpa last friday also and it has been a rough couple of days and i did not overeat like i usually do . I hope you can find comfort in these next few weeks and i will add you as a friend so we can support each other !
  • StormyLlewellyn
    StormyLlewellyn Posts: 96
    The year I lossed my grandmother I felt my world crumbled and I reached my highest weight in my lifetime... I started getting seriouse about 2 years after that happened when I got the news My parents were both terminal.. I figured being an unhealthy weight and having greiving issues I needed professional help coping with both.. I started weight watchers in 2004. It gave me tools to help me cope with the struggles in a healthy way..
    1. Think before you eat... Ask yourself am I bored, lonely, angry or frustrated??? If so take a walk or time out to clear your head..
    2. Make yourself a priority... Take time out of your day to excercise, walk, shop, pick up the phopne to call a friend or read to relax.
    3. Reward yourself for your acheivements.. Maby buy yourself silk flower each week for your pounds lost by the time you reach your goal you will have a lovely arrangment...
    Hang in there if it were easy it wouldn't be worth doing hun...
  • porcelain_doll
    porcelain_doll Posts: 1,005 Member
    Not sure if you believe in God or not, but my faith is what has carried me through the hardest times in my life. A lot of prayer and reading the Bible. Also, therapy was a tremendous help, as well as loving and patient friends who availed themselves to me whenever I needed them.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. My cousin was like you when our grandfather passed. He also did not have a father, he had my grandpa. So when my grandpa was gone, it was very hard on him. Allow yourself to grieve as it is healthy to do so.

    One thing that may help you is maybe doing things in remembrance of your grandpa, even in regard to your weight loss journey. For example, if he had cancer then maybe you could work towards walking or running in a 5k that donates money to cancer research. Or simply dedicate your workouts to his memory, because he would have wanted you to remain strong, and not give it all up.

    When a close friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver in '95, I was pretty torn apart about it. One of the ways I grieved was, I surrounded myself with pictures of her and listened to our favorite music all the time (The Doors..... she's the one that got me into them). Another thing was keeping in touch with her family, which has gotten harder over the years but it's now a little easier with Facebook. :)

    I think everything you're feeling right at this moment is completely normal; even the fear of letting yourself go is normal. I wouldn't expect too much from yourself right now; just give yourself some time to relax and heal. I wish you well. :heart:
  • jogdog
    jogdog Posts: 89 Member
    I too have suffered quite a bit with depression and anxiety, and I can understand how you're feeling. Just remember you're not in this alone. Do you have any other family members that you can turn to or a friend that can be with you? You should try and ask your therapist if there is someone he/she would recommend for you to help you keep some control on your depression. I know when I feel all alone in this big world and it doesn't feel like I can do anything, it can sometimes be a bit overwhemling and starts a vicious cycle that leads to more and more depression.

    Try to stick with your exercising. Exercise has really helped me through and I love putting on my headphones and listening to music that either matches my mood or music that will make me feel better and then get on moving whether it be biking, running, walking, weights,etc. Also finding a friend to go on a walk or run with you will help you stick with it. I find that even though I don't want to leave my room, my comfort zone, or my pity place, making some plans with someone to get out just to go watch a movie, go walking in my favorite store, going to a favorite dessert place, etc does make me feel good afterwards.
  • PaulaJKelly
    PaulaJKelly Posts: 96
    I am so sorry for the loss of your grandfather. It is perfectly normal to be hurting right now. It will be perfectly normal to always have a hurt in your heart at this loss of a most special person in your life. The key is to allow yourself to grieve and not stuff your feelings away. People will tell you he lived a good life, he was older, he was (fill in the blank). None of that matters whatsoever. He was Your grandfather and You will miss him forever. No one really knows what to say and that is o.k. too. When I lost my mother I was devastated. After 3 months I hit a wall because people don't want to talk about it with you, they think you should move on, etc. I found a Grief Support Group through our hospital that was very helpful to me. I suggest that you look into that in a while. Right now you need to try and eat, get rest, drink water, work through the process of the funeral service, etc. Don't expect a lot of yourself or anyone else in your family right now. Everyone processes the loss of a loved one differently: some keep super busy so they don't have time to think. Others, take care of all the details and seem to shut down emotionally; others cry, others ? Support your family members as best you can.

    Don't make this any bigger than it already it. It IS huge right now. Don't add the food disorder component to this right now. They are completely separate. When I lost my father in 2010, I ate for comfort as he was dying and after he did. Yes, I added on weight. I had to deal with emptying out his house, a remodel, etc. Then was not the time to work on my weight. Now in 2011, I have been able to do that part. I am not saying pig out and put on 50 pounds. I am just saying don't starve yourself or worry so obssessively about every ounce. I am sorry that your counselor will be out of the picture when you need her most. Starting with someone new will just be hard. Hopefully she was able to refer you to someone that could be a good fit for you.

    Right now I pray that God will comfort you, pour our His love to you, hold you in His arms, and let you seek His grace and mercy to get through one day at a time. His Grace is sufficient. This is way too new a loss to even grasp the future. Moment by moment you will get through it.
  • LynnBirchfield
    LynnBirchfield Posts: 581 Member
    Wow -- this is what I love the most about MFP. I think you have gotten very good advice from everyone. I too have had losses in my life. When my father passed away two years ago, I was already in depression. I've been that way for several years. But, I think what helped me the most is talking with people. When people offer to do something for you or with you, take them up on it. It is the best thing you can do for yourself -- even if you have to force yourself. Also, do try to find another therapist.

    I'm sending very much love and hugs your way. I pray to our Heavenly Father that he send guardian angels down to surround you and lift you up, and that he walk with you through your days ahead.

    If you want to friend me, please do. I will help keep an eye out on you.

    With much MFP love,

    Lynn
  • mcg6242
    mcg6242 Posts: 84
    I give you this one thought to keep -
    I am with you still - I do not sleep.
    I am a thousand winds that blow,
    I am the diamond glints on snow,
    I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
    I am the gentle autumn rain.
    When you awaken in the morning's hush,
    I am the sweet uplifting rush,
    of quiet birds in circled flight.
    I am the soft starts that shine at night.
    Do not think of me as gone -
    I am with you still in each new dawn.
    - Traditional Native American Prayer
  • bete0noire
    bete0noire Posts: 4 Member
    Thank you everyone for the kind words and suggestions, it all means so much
  • jogdog
    jogdog Posts: 89 Member
    If you need anything, send me a message!! Thanks for adding me as a friend. It means a lot to me that you would want me to help support you along your difficult times! :flowerforyou:
  • silentwolves
    silentwolves Posts: 7
    Wow, I know exactly what your going through. I lost my Grandmother in July very unexpectedly. She was healthy and happy in June, around the first of July she didn't feel well, but the Dr couldn't pinpoint what it was. On the 14th they determined it was cancer and she died 4 days later. I am still in such shock and feel like IM not dealing with it as well as the rest of the family. Maybe because I'm in nursing school, but mostly due to having depression. Ive had bad depression for as long as I can remember. I was just starting to feel like it was under control at the beginning of the summer too.

    I put on a few pounds and am back to tie the heaviest weight I have ever been. I cant seem to get the depression under control now. I cant afford therapy due to crappy health insurance, but dont really want to do that again-its never seemed to help at all. Meds seem to take the edge off, but not totally 'cure' things.

    I keep trying to get my boyfriend to diet with me, but he says I need to do it on my own. Of course he lost a ton of weight when all his friends at work started dieting and he did the diet with them. He did weight watchers on his own without going to meetings and I managed to loose about 20 pounds. I kept that off until we bought a house together with his parents. (We cant afford a place on our own and they are supposed to move out when I finish school in 3 semesters). We both put on weight due to his moms cooking. We are both afraid to talk to her about making small changes. She will get mad and not talk to us for a long time! So Im completely on my own. My boyfriend and his mom give me a hard time for eating small portions at dinner, so I have to deal with that crap.
    The depression is almost harder to deal with. There are days when I dont get out of bed, dont eat anything, or if I do, its chocolate. I wish I could have a buddy just follow me around all day to whip me into shape and tell me to get out of bed!

    I would be happy to be your friend online here! I know what its like to go through alot at once and feel like you cant handle any more. I'll add you as a friend shortly. Hope your taking care of yourself as best you can!
    Katie
  • pinkgigi
    pinkgigi Posts: 693 Member
    Unfortunately I have had a lot of grief in my life, and have this year been diagnosed with clinical depression

    1. get a new counsellor. Friends can only go so far, they try but usually do not understand.
    2. get moving because that will lift up your mood
    3. familiarise yourself with the cycle of grief, and acknowledge your feelings, let them out, but find less destructive things than food to deal with them
    4. know that this too will pass

    I'm sorry for your loss *hugs* and best wishes.

    GG
  • pinksparklevapor1965
    pinksparklevapor1965 Posts: 77 Member
    grieving for the aflicted.. praying for the afflicted.. :cry:
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