How do you get closure?
Leslie2273
Posts: 152 Member
I just broke off a relationship and now I think I'm past the hurt and realizing that because of the way it ended I didn't get a chance to say how I felt regarding my side of things. We were dating and it ended abruptly because as much as we are a perfect match he has way too much drama going on in his life and doesn't know what he wants which is unfortunate. So I was discussing my situation with a friend and I as much as my feelings might be hurt I really don't regret anything....he's one of those people you feel lucky to love even for a little while. So my friend suggested I should put my thoughts and feelings down and send him a 'it was good while it lasted, I hope you find what you're looking for, and have a nice life' type email. How do you get closure? What would say if your ex sent you an email like that?
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I've been told to talk my feelings out with a therapist, but I'd rather physically hurt him instead. I don't do the latter since we have kids (I've discussed this with you already though) together and he's a great dad...just sucks as a human being. Just tell him you wish him well. My ultimate revenge is being hotter than his current girlfriend will ever be. That's enough for me...for now.0
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The letter is good,but I think a phone call or a face to face meeting would be best.0
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I had a similar problem with my most recent ex. We dated for nine months, super serious, very beautiful relationship. But I was the one who didn't know what I wanted, so I broke it off.
The entire breakup was long and awful, and I tried multiple times to get closure (text, email, phone call, etc.). And he told me that's the worst part about closure, is that there are times where you may feel you never get closure. If you're looking for closure, look for it within yourself, rather than from him.
Because you know if you send him an email, you'll consciously (or subconsciously) be waiting for his response, etc. It becomes a vicious circle, and you don't need /him/ for closure.0 -
Send him a text message.0
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It seems to me the point of sending the letter is actually because you're not over it and may want a second chance at this relationship. Nothing wrong with that at all... but honestly, is that the goal?
If not to get back together, then you need to not contact him... period...Because you know if you send him an email, you'll consciously (or subconsciously) be waiting for his response, etc. It becomes a vicious circle, and you don't need /him/ for closure.
She's right...0 -
I just broke off a relationship and now I think I'm past the hurt and realizing that because of the way it ended I didn't get a chance to say how I felt regarding my side of things. We were dating and it ended abruptly because as much as we are a perfect match he has way too much drama going on in his life and doesn't know what he wants which is unfortunate. So I was discussing my situation with a friend and I as much as my feelings might be hurt I really don't regret anything....he's one of those people you feel lucky to love even for a little while. So my friend suggested I should put my thoughts and feelings down and send him a 'it was good while it lasted, I hope you find what you're looking for, and have a nice life' type email. How do you get closure? What would say if your ex sent you an email like that?
When a relationship ends amicably, and both parties are ok with it...and realize that they must move on, I think is is ok and healthy to get those last feelings out. But make sure that is IT and also don't cause any hard feelings in the process. Every relationship is not meant to last a lifetime, even BAD relationships had to have 2 willing participants. Say what you need to say and MOVE ON, don't leave "stuff" for the next person you meet to have to deal with. A "healthy" person only needs to exercise sound judgment.0 -
Write down everything you have ever wanted to say to him on a piece of paper. Done? Ok, now burn it. (preferably outdoors, so not to catch your house on fire).0
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If I received that type of email one of two things would come to mind either 1. The person feels the need to rub salt in the wound and remind me they are the one that broke it off or 2. They are sending the email as a away to test the waters because they regret their decision.
If you broke it off and if you think the person was hurt by the break up then you need to do the nice thing and leave him alone. Get closure within yourself or the help of a close friend but don't hurt him all over again by making contact. IMHO0 -
this may sound strange but I wonder what a man thinks about needing closure? it seems that it's only something that I've heard women talk about. If it were me I'd say write the letter but no need to even send it. YOUR thoughts and feelings are what you need to work through, him getting a letter won't help or hinder that. as hard as breakups are i'd encourage you to get your thoughts out of your head, put them down on paper if you need to and move on. start focusing on you and the new wonderful things that will be happening in your life!0
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It seems to me the point of sending the letter is actually because you're not over it and may want a second chance at this relationship. Nothing wrong with that at all... but honestly, is that the goal?
If not to get back together, then you need to not contact him... period...Because you know if you send him an email, you'll consciously (or subconsciously) be waiting for his response, etc. It becomes a vicious circle, and you don't need /him/ for closure.
She's right...
A man's prespective: That would tell me that you still want to get together. Why is it that women need "closure" anyway? If it is done, let it go. Time to move on. Trust me, us men are not concerned about your need for closure. We move on to the next one and any contact from you are viewed as a chance to hit it again. My sister has a saying that by the time she has her next period, she is over the last relationship.. Adopt that motto and that should make it easy for you to move on.0 -
I would suggest just hanging out, working on a makeover etc.
That is what I have been doing. My ex and I were together 2.5 years and I couldn't take it anymore so had to break it off. He, like your ex, was a drama-king (He even got in fights with his professors, to the point one sent him an email before we broke up telling my ex to "LEAVE ME ALONE! I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK WITH YOU EVER AGAIN, BECAUSE YOU NEVER LISTEN! GO AWAY!!!!" O_O He eventually ended up going to AA and to a therapist, but it was too late. I still feel guilty for the way I broke it off, because my goal was for him to hate me so that I wouldn't hurt him.
It has been around 5 months and it takes time to heal!!! What gets me past thinking about my ex is thinking about my makeover, and getting to enjoy being single (ex. don't have to worry about him calling etc so I can just watch tv/play video games, hang with friends, look how I want etc).
Sooo...you will get over him in time!!! I didn't have much closure in the relationship myself, because my ex was deluded about many things etc <_<
Sometimes it is not worth trying to get closure with certain people. Good luck!!0 -
Write down everything you have ever wanted to say to him on a piece of paper. Done? Ok, now burn it. (preferably outdoors, so not to catch your house on fire).
I like this idea!0 -
Here is some tips from me: Write unpleasant things on their 'clubbing' shirt and wallet in UV Marker Pen just before they go out. One morning before they go to work, make them two drinks. One with liquid viagra, one with lactulose.
I didn't say I was a nice ex, but as I came out of the stationery store grasping my UV pen purchase I felt it right there - Closure!!0 -
(Or of course you could just get out more with your friends and family, on reflection, that's healthier.) :-) x0
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you say you broke off the relationship.
that means you don't ever look back
and definetely don't ever talk again.
you broke it off, leave it and move on.0 -
I just love the word "closure."0
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Write down everything you have ever wanted to say to him on a piece of paper. Done? Ok, now burn it. (preferably outdoors, so not to catch your house on fire).
werd!
Say what you have to say without actually saying it. Closure mean CLOSED, and communicating in any form is not closed.0 -
It seems to me the point of sending the letter is actually because you're not over it and may want a second chance at this relationship. Nothing wrong with that at all... but honestly, is that the goal?
If not to get back together, then you need to not contact him... period...Because you know if you send him an email, you'll consciously (or subconsciously) be waiting for his response, etc. It becomes a vicious circle, and you don't need /him/ for closure.
She's right...
A man's prespective: That would tell me that you still want to get together. Why is it that women need "closure" anyway? If it is done, let it go. Time to move on. Trust me, us men are not concerned about your need for closure. We move on to the next one and any contact from you are viewed as a chance to hit it again. My sister has a saying that by the time she has her next period, she is over the last relationship.. Adopt that motto and that should make it easy for you to move on.
yes to all of the above. and to writing it down and burning. if he gets that letter/txt/msg whatever he's just going to think you want to have more sex...guys don't need closure.
I've been there...beat myself up for a few weeks-tied my hands together to keep myself from sending that txt, wondering if he was sitting at home thinking the same thing. i wasn't shocked to find out from my friends he was out at the club with his tongue halfway down some blonde chicky's throat. that's all the closure i needed.
if you know he's not right and there's too much drama there then just walk away and don't look back. in the end you will do the right thing for you. it just sucks0 -
It seems to me the point of sending the letter is actually because you're not over it and may want a second chance at this relationship. Nothing wrong with that at all... but honestly, is that the goal?
If not to get back together, then you need to not contact him... period...Because you know if you send him an email, you'll consciously (or subconsciously) be waiting for his response, etc. It becomes a vicious circle, and you don't need /him/ for closure.
She's right...
A man's prespective: That would tell me that you still want to get together. Why is it that women need "closure" anyway? If it is done, let it go. Time to move on. Trust me, us men are not concerned about your need for closure. We move on to the next one and any contact from you are viewed as a chance to hit it again. My sister has a saying that by the time she has her next period, she is over the last relationship.. Adopt that motto and that should make it easy for you to move on.
See, here's the thing...Women are NOT men! Also, ALL men don't end relationships and then "just move on," any relationship in which one or both the parties care and feel, it is usually NOT "see ya!" People who store feelings usually unleash them in the next relationship or make them very "callous" people and lovers. A person does not have to be "chasing" or regretful to want to reach out to a former "lover," they may just have something to say and need to say it...NOT expecting a response (if the writer is expecting a response then that person has ulterior motives and need to be honest with themselves and just come out and ask to get back together.) But when this type of "letter" is written, the writer should NOT expect anything from the receiver and are NOT due a response...because it is all about writer, and there is Nothing wrong with that, heck, the receiver can even tear the letter up or trash the email before reading it or put the person on the "Junk Mail List" and never see the email. ALL of that is OK because it is about the writer, and the writer should (after sending the correspondence) have the good judgment to move on.0 -
It seems to me the point of sending the letter is actually because you're not over it and may want a second chance at this relationship. Nothing wrong with that at all... but honestly, is that the goal?
If not to get back together, then you need to not contact him... period...Because you know if you send him an email, you'll consciously (or subconsciously) be waiting for his response, etc. It becomes a vicious circle, and you don't need /him/ for closure.
She's right...
A man's prespective: That would tell me that you still want to get together. Why is it that women need "closure" anyway? If it is done, let it go. Time to move on. Trust me, us men are not concerned about your need for closure. We move on to the next one and any contact from you are viewed as a chance to hit it again. My sister has a saying that by the time she has her next period, she is over the last relationship.. Adopt that motto and that should make it easy for you to move on.
yes to all of the above. and to writing it down and burning. if he gets that letter/txt/msg whatever he's just going to think you want to have more sex...guys don't need closure.
I've been there...beat myself up for a few weeks-tied my hands together to keep myself from sending that txt, wondering if he was sitting at home thinking the same thing. i wasn't shocked to find out from my friends he was out at the club with his tongue halfway down some blonde chicky's throat. that's all the closure i needed.
if you know he's not right and there's too much drama there then just walk away and don't look back. in the end you will do the right thing for you. it just sucks
I've been there before, a couple of times. I chose to have "the conversation" and send the email...felt sooo good, and that ENDED it for Me. I did not wrench My hands or wonder what "they" thought; for Me it was as though all of My feelings for them just DIED! When I see them somewhere, I speak, I'm not jealous if they are with someone, I feel GOOD about Me and know that I'm a GREAT "Catch" without hating on them or their new "Lover (s), friends..."
I try to live HEALTHY, not just with My eating but everything. I ain't gonna sit around "guessing" what "they" may be thinking or feeling bad or making Myself sick...If a "letter" or email will "Free" Me, I'm writing it and "moving on," and I DON'T CARE if they read it. It's about Me and I'm Moving ON, with NO Expectations!0 -
Write down everything you have ever wanted to say to him on a piece of paper. Done? Ok, now burn it. (preferably outdoors, so not to catch your house on fire).
This. A million times this.0 -
If you broke it off, you don't have the right to ask him to see or hear from you or even read anything you send. You will only be leading him on.0
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Your sense of closure is your responsibility. Don't drag your ex into it.
As the ex my ex HAD to get in touch with to say something to - don't. Just don't. I resent that he wouldn't just leave me alone. He was the one who felt guilty about breaking up and the way he did it. His feelings of guilt are not my problem. I told him to fck off.0 -
Some guys need closure. Long term marriage, getting dumped.
Having said that, you find closure by knowing exactly who you are, by yourself, not as part of a couple. Some people never fully find that out because they just go from being part of one, to another, to another, etc. Or like me, they are part of a marriage that lasts longer than all the time that they were single, including childhood.
Find ways to improve yourself. Take good care of yourself in every way and every aspect possible. The closure comes from being a healthy person that is fully self sufficient. By doing so you would be amazed at the potential partners you will attract.
And you don't do it (as mentioned) by looking back. By sending letters. I would say don't even write a letter to burn. Instead write out a 5 year plan, starting with clear, concise vision statement of the person you want to be 5 years from today. As much detail as possible. Touch every base, turn every stone. Then write out how you can achieve that vision. Using that exercise, amend your plan to fit your vision. And review periodically.
Telling him how wonderful you thought he was makes you look needy. And at this point you are feeling a little needy. Get past it by looking forward.0 -
The entire breakup was long and awful, and I tried multiple times to get closure (text, email, phone call, etc.). And he told me that's the worst part about closure, is that there are times where you may feel you never get closure. If you're looking for closure, look for it within yourself, rather than from him.
Because you know if you send him an email, you'll consciously (or subconsciously) be waiting for his response, etc. It becomes a vicious circle, and you don't need /him/ for closure.
EXACTLY. Living well is the best revenge.
Friendship is possible but after MUCH TIME of not speaking. Do your own thing, but I wouldn't reach out to him. That's not "closing" anything. Good luck!0 -
Oh hell yes some guys need closure!
Or maybe I'm just THAT good *snort*0 -
eh. when i end things, i let them know then and there why i'm leaving and won't be coming back. i'm the type of person that gives 2nd chances, 3rd chances, etc. but when i'm pushed to the point of no return, i feel that i've tried my best to work it out, and i kindly point out all of the things that made me want to end the relationship, (or in the case of my most recent ex, she ended it and then tried to come back, i kindly declined). i feel like if you break up, you better be awfully sure, because i hate that back and forth ****. i've gotten calls/emails from exes talking about 'closure' but it's really just a way for them to open up communication with me and delve back into my life so i personally don't entertain it. i delete it, and ignore them. it's not like either one of them wrote it for their benefit. they wrote it for a response from me which they won't get because the initial explanation was thorough enough. the only time i didn't have closure was with my first boyfriend/love and it was because i ended it abruptly for no reason, we both still loved each other very much but had new people in our lives and we spent the next 4.5 years hating/loving each other via 'closure' texts/emails/phonecalls/visits til we got back together. to each their own though.0
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