81lbs down and found a beautiful life

Hi everyone!!! I began MFP 8, almost nine years ago. I was only 19 years old and had little to no idea what was in store for me as a person. I was a college athlete trying to get in shape for softball season as a freshman. I lost 20lbs and ended up pregnant with my daughter and dropped out of college. I spent the next few years in an abusive relationship, and many times MFP and the friends I found on here were an outlet and source of support. I lost and gained the same 60lbs many times over, and after a pretty devastating high conflict divorce in 2015 I ballooned up to 335lbs. I came out as being in a same sex relationship in 2015 also and lost most of my family and a few friends.


I was severely depressed, unknowingly living with PTSD and did not have the tools emotionally to pull myself out of what felt like a massive hole in my life. I was living to exist and raise my daughter, but had lost much hope for the future. I was eventually diagnosed with hypothyroidism, type 2 diabetes, and continued to fall lower and lower mentally and physically. At my highest, I was severely sick. I struggled to walk far, any amount of stairs left me winded. I had no life, no full body pictures, no real joy or excitement for life. I silently waited to die and struggled with the severe guilt I felt as a mom. There were good moments in my life, but it was overshadowed by the constant pain I felt. I spent the first 6 years of my daughter’s life on the sidelines, watching her grow up and dreaming of a life where I was the person playing with her, not taking the pictures. I struggled with my weight and binge eating, and it wasn’t until I began addressing my ptsd and began seeing a therapist a year and a half ago did I find a way out of the trap I felt I was going to be stuck in forever. I began unpacking and unlearning the unhealthy things I had been taught in relation to friendships, romantic relationships, food, and began loving myself in a real way. That meant accountability, honoring myself and respecting my body and soul enough to treat it with kindness. I lost 35lbs on my own, and early summer of this year (2019) I was approved for gastric sleeve after 6 months of attending a nutrition and exercise program. I am currently 3 ½ months out from vsg, and have lost 46 more lbs, totaling my weight loss at 81lbs. For me and my health concerns vsg was the right answer, and I absolutely do not regret it at all. I took the time to research the possible complications, what life is like long term post op, and how I can still achieve my goals.



Since having surgery, and since I began therapy last year, my life has changed completely. The last few months have shown me that life is absolutely worth living at every size, and the most powerful thing you can do for yourself is the hard and scary things. I feel younger than I have this entire decade, and my food addictions have been replaced with a real joy in cooking, exercising, being a more active and attentive mom, and just getting out there and living life. Along the way, I log my food with MFP and work hard to meet my macros and take care of my body without tying shame to food. For me, the biggest change hasn’t just been physical. It is knowing that the number on the scale means nothing compared to waking up and not having to take five different diabetes meds, not worrying about how many injections I’ll need to or if I can fit into a booth at restaurants. It is keeping up with my now almost 7 year old daughter and feeling like she gets to have the mom she deserves. It was forgiving the people that hurt me, and finally, forgiving myself for the love I refused to give myself for many years. To celebrate the life I have been given a second chance at living, I am going on a mom/daughter roadtrip with my little one in March to Arkansas. We are going to hike, canoe, camp and I am going to see a waterfall in person for the first time in my life.

To anyone reading this, whether you have hit your goals or are just starting, I want to say that for me health meant restriction for the longest time. It meant sacrifice, struggle, pain and failure. What I have found instead is that taking care of yourself is about absolute love and abundance. It is about finding strength within yourself, the strength to love your body at every stage and keep yourself accountable. It is about waking up every day knowing that the only thing you have is the present. The past is gone, and the future is not here yet. Many days I wake up in awe of what a complete transformation us humans are capable of. I used to be the most angry, bitter, injured person out there. The loss of my softball career, my 20s spent struggling, the childhood I felt I lost being adopted at 9 prevented me from living as a healthy adult. The weight I have lost only happened when I let go of what I could have been, and decided to work towards who I want to be. Each new day means we are here, we are breathing, and we are capable of getting back up again. Anyway, I hope this helps anyone on here. I would love to have likeminded friends, I enjoy lifting (currently doing Stronglifts 5x5) and just about any other type of exercise besides planks. 😉 I’ll post my stats and some before and after pictures below. I have about 70 more pounds to lose, but I know I am more than capable, and the success I feel has nothing to do with the scale. A very special thank you to MFP for being a source to come back to when I am struggling, and my therapist for helping me see an entirely new way of living. Thank you to the family and friends that believed in me before I could believe in myself.


Highest Weight: 335lbs

Surgery Weight 8.20.19: 301lbs

Current Weight: 254lbs

Height: 5’6” (AND A HALF OK)

I count macros and try to have higher protein meals. I am not afraid of carbs.
I lift three times a week, try to do cardio 3 times a week also. I am most enjoying Aqua Zumba, training for my first 5k in years, and chasing my 6 year old around. I am posting my workouts and food on IG and youtube if anyone is interested!

Before:







Day of surgery:





Current! (254lbs!)







Bonus pic of my lifting cage because I am SO proud of this investment.



[edited by MFP mods]