A friend with unrealistic goals

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Janie5605
Janie5605 Posts: 182 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
So my close friend and I have been working on dropping the pounds together (well 1200 miles apart but together). Having not had as much success as me she's comparing herself to me. Since June 1 she has lost 15 lbs while exercising and eating right...mostly. I have in this time lost almost 25 lbs (tomorrow morning is weigh in and i should be at 25-26 lost) This ive done while being injured and unable to work out until the last month (and even then not much) and unable to eat the best all the time (Husband doesnt cook and me cooking on crutches proved to be a mess).

So here's my question i suppose...She insists on losing 25 lbs by Oct. 29th...so less then two months. I feel like she's setting herself up for failure and shes had a bit of an emotional time lately (Boy related and that date happens to be the next time she sees said Jerky boy). How do I try to tell her it's unrealistic for her to lose that much? She has a lot of unhealthy things coming up and she isnt the best at saying no to a night out on the town (which she has a lot of those coming up) Is there anything I can do to try to make it so she doesn't feel like a huge failure and quit when she doesnt make this goal? I just want to help her not be like "oh you can't do that"

Replies

  • smuehlbauer
    smuehlbauer Posts: 1,041 Member
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    You dont tell her that!
    You support her in her journey - remind her to be healthy.
    You will only cause issues if you discourage her!
    And depending on how much weight she has to lose - it's not all that unrealistic in my opinion.
  • Michelle_M2002
    Michelle_M2002 Posts: 301 Member
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    Tt'll be possible if she's REALLY committed and "religious" about working out and eating perfectly... I'm down 20 pounds in two months, so your friend's goal is only 5 pounds more. I SHOULD have hit 25 pounds by more, but I had a REALLY bad week that slowed my weight loss down, and then I didn't work out at all last week, so that slowed me down even more.

    So it's possible if she's really committed.

    Have you tried having the friendly "I'm concerned. You have this goal set, and I know you can do it IF you work really hard. Are you really willing to work out every day and eat perfectly? You realize that with x y and z events coming up, that's a lot of temptation. Do you think maybe you should re-adjust your goals to give yourself some wiggle room?"

    I mean, ultimately, if she's setting herself up for failure and is bent on being unrealistic, there isn't much you can do about it. KWIM?

    God bless!
  • Babrao
    Babrao Posts: 152 Member
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    Maybe that goal will help her do the best she can to lose. It's possible for her to lose 10 pounds a month (I have been) but that also depends on how much she has to lose. Don't discourage her, let her do her best and hopefully she can get to maybe 20 pounds by then :)
  • Janie5605
    Janie5605 Posts: 182 Member
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    I dont want to hinder her weight loss! I just know her and know shell quit on herself...she could do 15 lbs easy but 25?? with four birthday parties and her sisters wedding in the mix....i just dont want her to set her sights too high and not reach them then relapse like we've both done a million times before. I know she will not be healthy towards the end too...shes talked of just eating cabbage soup or just drinking water with 500 cals a day the whole two months and i just worry about her.
  • Jondi_Soper
    Jondi_Soper Posts: 6
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    Be supportive to her and let her know that everyone loses weight at different rates. So many different things effect our metabolisms. So sometimes despite our best efforts, even two people on the exact same diet and exercise plans will lose weight at completely different rates. It is very unhealthy to lose more than 1-2 pounds a week and your friend is already setting herself an unhealthy goal. Losing weight too quickly can put your body into starvation mode, which will really just counteract the whole diet. It also can cause other nasty physical problems like hair loss, kidney malfunctions...etc.

    Let your friend know you are concerned about her health if she actually tries for such a lofty goal.
  • roxygrissom
    roxygrissom Posts: 35
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    I think no matter how you approach this topic, you will come out sounding discouraging. Maybe setting her goal high is giving her the motivation to work harder, be stronger, put that doughnut down and pick up the apple? Don't say anything unless it is "YOU
    CAN DO IT"!!!

    .....and if she doesn't quite make it, make a big deal about how close she came......
  • myheartbelongstocralle
    myheartbelongstocralle Posts: 43
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    Wow....you are not a very supportive partner..atleast that's the way it seems. You shouldn't put her down and knock her goals like that. And the fact that she has lost 15 lbs is a really good thing. So what..she didn't lose as much as you. Give her her props...maybe her situation is a bit different..and everyone may not lose weight in the same length of time. Just give her support..be kind..and for cryin out loud..be a friend.
  • tomomatic
    tomomatic Posts: 1,794 Member
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    She has an unrealistic goal. Let her have that. Congrats to the both of you on the weight that you've already lost. Having an aggressive goal is good as long as she is planning accordingly. Shoot for the moon and you'll always be among the stars.

    As long as she isn't doing anything harmful to achieve her goal (like making herself throw up or starving herself) then support her.

    FYI, my goal is to lose half a pound a week. It's modest because I have a very busy schedule. sometimes I make it, sometimes I don't. I still consider it a win because my progress is forward.
  • Janie5605
    Janie5605 Posts: 182 Member
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    Im not trying to not be supportive...Ive had her back the whole way and am so proud of her for what shes lost! I'm not comparing myself to her shes doing the comparing and shes upset. I worry she will go down an unhealthy crash diet path and want to help her see that what shes doing IS working and she just needs to eat healthy and continue working out.

    I know that i seem like I'm not being a very supportive friend or partner in this but i assure you I am. I dont want to tell her oh no its impossible i just dont want her to set herself up for failure. Personally Id rather set me goal a little lower and more realistic for my body type and lifestyle and anything extra would be a bonus. I know her and she will quit if she doesnt meet this goal. I just want her happy and to keep up the good work.
  • Bankman1989
    Bankman1989 Posts: 1,116 Member
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    Why can't she lose 25 pound by October? You should ENCOURAGE her not tell her she can't do something. You just lost 25 pounds (congrats) would you be discouraged if someone said you won't lose another 25? Probably!

    She needs to figure out her mess and maybe those challenges will make her more determined.
  • tomomatic
    tomomatic Posts: 1,794 Member
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    If you want to show support, send her recipes and meal ideas that are gonna be more satisfying than cabbage soup. Introduce her to MyFitnessPal and show her how it can change her life and educate her. Send her a box of protein bars!

    I totally understand what you're trying to do. My little sis is kindof the same way. But to my little sis, I become the bad guy if I discourage her in any way.
  • Janie5605
    Janie5605 Posts: 182 Member
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    OH and i have introduced her to MFP but she wont use it....i personally think this is the best thing thats ever happened to weight loss!
  • jennybenny76
    jennybenny76 Posts: 14 Member
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    25 pounds in a little under 2 months may seem hefty, but I say support her and cheer her on!!! It CAN be done.....with strict diet and fitness habits she could pull it off. You just make sure that you are there to support her during the journey and AFTER no matter if she succeeds or fails at it!!

    Congrats to you both on your weightloss thus far!!
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
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    its better to have really high goals, than really low goals >_< i would let her be, and she will learn on her own if you are right.
  • lausa22
    lausa22 Posts: 467 Member
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    I don't think that's unrealistic. You should support her and help her stay on track! I'm pretty sure she's knows there's a chance she won't reach it, but she can get as close as she wants!
  • shesblossoming
    shesblossoming Posts: 426
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    You're her friend to show support, regardless of how out of reach goals may be. It took me a while to realize this, but people have to learn on their own. Regardless of what you tell her, she's going to go her own way. And don't risk sounding too discouraging and souring the friendship, because that can happen really easily when someone is trying to make a change in their life. Be her cheerleader, not her counselor.
  • zeeeb
    zeeeb Posts: 805 Member
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    it's hard to tell people to change their minds. so just support her. hopefully if she can do it, if not, she's still lost a good amount of weight and she'll be noticing the difference. just try and keep her motivated if she feels like she's failed and remind her that she doesn't need to compare to anyone else. as long as she's heading in the right direction, it really doesn't matter how long it takes her to get there. the classic tortoise and the hare.
  • mrschappet
    mrschappet Posts: 488 Member
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    I think you should keep your opinion to yourself in this matter. You are her support partner right?!? Well, then act like one. You need to stop focusing on negative things, be proud of her for setting positive goals. And encourage her all the way. She just might surprise you and reach those goals that you are so sure she wont. And hell, if she doesn't reach her goals you don't say "i knew your goal was unrealistic" you say " Hey buddy, its fine. Look how far you have come, just keep on moving forward!!!

    In short.. stop being such a downer and quick to tell her she CAN'T. Be supportive and encouraging tell her she CAN do anything she sets her heart and mind to!
  • Jesung
    Jesung Posts: 236 Member
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    Your friend lost roughly 1.25 lbs/week. Of course there's no way she'll lose 3 lbs/wk if she keeps doing what she has been doing (i.e. too many cheat days, not enough/way too much calorie restriction, not enough exercise etc)
    As others have pointed out, 25 lbs is possible depending on her current size but you have to help your friend realize that she won't get there without the proper planning and dedication. If your friend is not willing to do all these things, then she doesn't care enough.
  • L2M1D52
    L2M1D52 Posts: 616 Member
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    I may be reading this wrong but does she want to lose a total of 25 pounds in two months or another 25 pounds on top of the 15 she's already lost? If it's only an additional 10 lbs then that can be doable, if it's another 25 in two months, I wouldn't tell her she's being unrealistic per se. What you can do is just keep reminding her the proper way to lose the weight and to also focus on whether she's losing inches rather than pounds. Sometimes when people want to lose a larger amount, they may try through drastic measures and that's what you could focus on rather than feeling it's unrealistic. Since everyone is different someone can lose more than one would think. In addition, you can also remind her some of her habits aren't going to help. I would be supportive but only of healthy choices. Good luck to the both of you!

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