Lawd help me- starting fresh & hoping it sticks!

Hi!

I'm posting this to (a) hold myself accountable/document my journey (hoping that posting "makes it real" and I'll have something to look back at, including any & all comments), and to (b) maybe meet others in the same boat. i'll try to keep it brief, but I tend to write too much.

I'm a 27 y/o woman struggling big time with my health and weight, and I've finally had enough. Growing up and up until 4-ish years ago, I was thin-to-average, in good health, and relatively good shape (never been a runner lol, but could do elliptical for long periods of time & basic weight lifting). Right after graduating undergrad in Dec. 2015, I landed a job at a mission-driven think tank that I always dreamed of working for- great right?! While I'm incredibly fortunate and thankful to be where I am career-wise, the rest of my life started on a downward spiral.

Just as I started my career, my treatment-resistant bipolar disorder starting acting up, and I fell into a horrible depression. I was also diagnosed with Hashimoto's hypothyroidism, and I can tell that my metabolism tanked. I have "kept it together" for work and have excelled there, but the rest of my life has been....well, awful. In addition to the incredible amount of energy that it takes to fight through bipolar depression to be productive at work every day, I spend 4 hours per day commuting to/from my office.

One of the *best* parts of bipolar disorder is the medication side effects- and while I take responsibility for "letting myself go", I'm also on medication that is notorious for packing on pounds, no matter what you do or eat. My brother was on the medication too (runs in the family), and he ate well and ran 5 miles every day and still gained 45 lbs in 6 months.

Back in 2014 (before this all started), I was a size medium/6-8 in juniors and weighed in at around 155 lbs (I'm 5'8). As of yesterday morning, I'm tipping the scales at 268.2 lbs and wear a XXL/20-22 in women's. I'm an Old Navy addict, and I'm sizing out of their clothing- which was my big wake up call that something has to give.

What I'm really struggling with (in addition to the bipolar disorder, medication, and long commute lol), is that I hate eating and can't stand meal prep or grocery shopping, and yet, I binge eat. I have no idea how to cook or prepare meals, and have been using food as my coping mechanism (spending way too much $$$ on take-out/fast food). My weight gain has made me incredibly insecure, which has manifested into full-blown agoraphobia- I don't leave the house for really any reason except for work. And the agoraphobia and loneliness make the depression and binge eating worse, and the depression and binge eating make me gain weight, which makes the agoraphobia worse, and you can see where this is going.

So- I'm making a freaking change. When I've dieted in the past, I always do better when I really dive in, and then ease back into a long-term solution- as long as I can make it through the first week, I can do it (and not by severely restricting or anything). I'm modifying that approach this time around- I'm still going to replace 2 meals/day with slim-fast (NOT a long term solution, just for the first 2 weeks to jump start, like what's worked in the past), but this time, I'm going to be gentle with myself- I'm going to try and stop putting myself down or getting discouraged when I cheat or don't do as well as I should.

I know it's going to be really hard, but I'm somewhat hopeful, and doing my damn best to remind myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint- and if it takes a long time to lose the weight, so be it. And in addition to the full-time job, 4 hour commute, deep depression/agoraphobia, I'm starting grad school in 11 days (2 online classes this semester), so I gotta do my best to be my best.

If you've made it this far, thank you. If you haven't, I don't blame you. If you have had a similar experience, or want to chat, or have any tips on quick & easy meals (pref. keto-ish), or how on earth to exercise when you're exhausted, or if you're battling severe mental illness and trying to get better, please feel free to comment (or don't).

Also to hold myself accountable- my "way before pic that is #goals" and my current situation- hoping to eventually get back to how I was in the summer of 2014 (hopefully I can wear crop tops before they go out of style...)