Feeling a lot of guilt :(
Emican2020
Posts: 35 Member
I just need to unload a lot of guilt I have. My husband and I for the last year had planned to get pregnant this month. I had an entire year to work on losing the weight, and now is the time we were supposed to start trying and I put on weight. I dont feel comfortable getting pregnant at this weight. I know I'll be so depressed the entire pregnancy if I do. Now it's not happening and I have disappointed him. Hes not rude to me in any way, but I feel bad that I am the reason this isnt happening. I disappointed in myself and feel like I cant pull myself out of this funk I'm in because I'm the reason this isnt happening.
16
Replies
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I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
Sometimes we disappoint our spouses and there's nothing we can do to help make it better. But other times we disappoint our spouses and we've got the power to try to make it better. Do you feel like being pregnant is something you want to do or is it more about what he wants to do?2 -
That's a lot to unpack. Sit down with someone face-to-face and figure this out. There are things we do unknown or fully conscious that are a direct reflection of what we really want. I won't ask you any questions but this may be where the rubber meets the road and what you really, really want for the future.7
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Let it go. Just do what you can when you can. It'll come to you.1
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I know that feeling so painfully well. This is month 6 of TTC for us. I am still ~20lbs higher than the max weight I wanted to be before pregnancy. But my age meant we didn't want to wait longer, so I just keep working on losing while we are TTC.
Here is a group of women losing weight while planning to get pregnant. Feel free to join. https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/group/111647-planning-for-pregnancy6 -
That is a lot to unpack. I understand how you may feel guilt, but it is your body and you need to feel comfortable with your decision to become pregnant. Is there a professional you can talk to? I don't know where you are in your biological clock (you look fairly young), but it may be worthwhile to speak to someone about how you are feeling. Getting pregnant is a huge decision and has many variables. Explain how you are feeling to your husband and after perhaps you can decide the next step together. I wish you the best.1
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Sending you positive vibes. You are only human!1
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If you truly wish to get pregnant how much would you need to lose to feel comfortable?
This is not something you are probably ready to hear but we can't do anything about the past. We can only change the here and now and make for a better tomorrow. If you intend to lose weight for any reason guilt is not a helpful emotion to carry along for the ride. One of the best things I did for myself is finally forgive past me for the weight gain and stop trying to punish current me for his actions.
It is actually not a surprise that the stress of a deadline to get pregnant which has to be scary all by itself did not work out well for weight loss motivation. It has backfire written all over it. I think losing weight is best done as casually as possible. No deadlines, no reason to hurry, no worries if you eat too much one day. I find adherence easier if I am not stressed over it and it results in more consistent progress.4 -
It took me about 1.5 years to get pregnant after we started trying. Not saying this would happen to you, but if you kept after your fitness goals while trying to get pregnant, you may end up closer to goal than you are now when you do get pregnant.7
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I am curious if you are working with your ob/gyn and it's the case where you are at a weight that it would be inadvisable for you to become pregnant, or if, as you say, it is simply a matter of your comfort and it is not ideal? Many of us have struggled with the sense that we have to put off goals or things we want in life- essentially our happiness- until we have achieved a particular weight. While it's wise to be thinking of your health, and your ability to contribute to your baby's health, many, many women become pregnant at a weight that is less than ideal and have perfectly normal, healthy, enjoyable pregnancies (*raises hand*). I actually ended my first pregnancy at a lower weight than when I started (not advising that- it's just what happened).
As others have said, I would consider what you and your husband really want, your expectations (can people really decide to get pregnant *this month*?), and forego the guilt. Wish you well
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janejellyroll wrote: »I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
Sometimes we disappoint our spouses and there's nothing we can do to help make it better. But other times we disappoint our spouses and we've got the power to try to make it better. Do you feel like being pregnant is something you want to do or is it more about what he wants to do?
Thank you. I wanted it too. I thought that a child would be enough motivation and I'm so embarrassed, sad, angry that for me it wasnt.2 -
fdlewenstein wrote: »That is a lot to unpack. I understand how you may feel guilt, but it is your body and you need to feel comfortable with your decision to become pregnant. Is there a professional you can talk to? I don't know where you are in your biological clock (you look fairly young), but it may be worthwhile to speak to someone about how you are feeling. Getting pregnant is a huge decision and has many variables. Explain how you are feeling to your husband and after perhaps you can decide the next step together. I wish you the best.
Thank you for your encouraging words! I am 35 and I was just wanting my lost child to be somewhat close to to my last baby who is almost 21 -
So. There's a lot mixed up in this.
I'm seconding somebody else who already said this - are you generally healthy enough to be pregnant? I was 198 lbs when I got pregnant with my first and 206 with my second, and I was definitely healthy enough - as are many, many people, both bigger and smaller than I ever was. And that, unless you're leaving something out in your post, is probably the true for you.
Pregnancy is both extraordinarily easy and extraordinarily difficult, all at the same time. MOST people can continue to be just as active as they were before they got pregnant for the vast majority of their pregnancy. Growing babies don't really require a different diet than what a healthy person should eat, and like, the extra calories they need is like, a couple hundred. Like 200 or 300. If you were to be pregnant at the (*presumably*) same general health you are now, you could still walk every day, eat a solidly healthy diet upped by just a couple hundred calories as you continue along the pregnancy and be totally fine. I gained weight (a lot) with both of my babies- 60 lbs the first time, 45 the second. I never had any weight related consequences. I did struggle to lose the remainder afterwards, but it didn't cause me any problems. and for me...had I waited to get pregnant until after I lost weight, I would never have had children. And I wanted children dearly. For me, weight loss is something that is extremely difficult to do and maintain....and being motivated by guilt is a recipe for disaster and self sabotage. Additionally, my boys are 10 years apart. I lost 50 lbs when my oldest was 3 or 4 and kept it off until I got (unexpectedly - thank you, Paragard, for failing) pregnant with my second. One of the most difficult things for me was watching all of my progress melt away on that scale and know that I'd have to do it all over again (which is where I am at now).
But that's just me. and this is about you.
If your body is generally healthy, and you and your husband have agreed that this is the time for you to start your family, unless you have been advised against it by your doc (and your picture does not appear to indicate that you are nearly that big), just go ahead and do it. Because you CAN do it AND try to get pregnant. And you CAN continue to eat healthy and get regular activity while you are pregnant. this doesn't have to be an either/or scenario. You CAN do both of these things at the same time (provided you don't go crazy and get real restrictive and try to maintain that while pregnant....). Women have been getting and being pregnant for a long time - and the vast majority of us do not get pregnant while being at our physical peak. I don't know how old you are, but women don't have their whole lives to have children - if you guys are ready now, and you KNOW you want it, just do it.
Additionally....and I'm sorry if this sounds like a therapist thing to say (but...I am a therapist, so it is what It is...lol). You might want to think about seeing one. Not because youre mentally ill or have adiagnosis or anything like that (although its all good if you do!), but because weight related guilt can be a hot mess on your mental health...and eating can get real disordered real fast. I've often wished I would have taken that advice myself....weight and self worth and guilt and food and self image are such a tricky knot. And even when it seems like SOMETHING should be enough to motivate us, it's not necessarily the case - whether that's being pregnant, physical health, etc etc...we all have our things....the things that "should" be natural motivaters are not and we beat ourselves and make ourselves feel like garbage over it, rather than looking for a solution. Sometimes it's the weirdest things that are actually good motivation - Ive failed a million times (maybe 2 million). I've been successful once - and I couldn't tell you what the motivation was. It wasn't my kids, or my husband or my family...if I had to guess, it was because my favorite brand of jeans was difficult to find in my size, and for some reason THAT was more stressful to me than anything else. I'm down about 9 lbs right now...and I think it's bcause I wagered money on it...and I want my money back. Neither one of those things is really that important in the long run, but here we are, and they 've worked.
Look for your solution here....do you get pregnant and be healthy at the same time? Is it reasonable to weight until you've lost 10 or 20 lbs (or whatever?) Do you need to do a little soul searching about this on your own? Or with your husband? You are, most likely, totally safe and healthy enough to have a baby, but that guilts going to eat you alive, if they are not already7 -
First and foremost: Forgive yourself. Make the assumption that you are no less nor no more the person you were when you and your spouse started the conversation of conceiving a child. You state that "I thought a child would be 'enough motivation.'" The only reason to lose weight is for your own health. Period. Any other reason inevitably puts stress on us. Many of us overeat because we use food to de-stress, when in fact, it's a vicious cycle...the more we eat, the more weight goes on...the more stress we create...then we are back at overeating. I think you are putting unrealistic expectations on yourself and I'm suspect about a child being "enough motivation" for you to lose weight...It says a lot. I would agree that seeking some professional counseling might help you get to the root of what is really holding you back. Lastly, count your blessings for that 2 yr old baby...many people are able to have a child after trying and trying. If your children are spaced further apart, so be it. We can't control nature. All the best.1
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emilykc822 wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
Sometimes we disappoint our spouses and there's nothing we can do to help make it better. But other times we disappoint our spouses and we've got the power to try to make it better. Do you feel like being pregnant is something you want to do or is it more about what he wants to do?
Thank you. I wanted it too. I thought that a child would be enough motivation and I'm so embarrassed, sad, angry that for me it wasnt.
Oh, please be kinder to yourself! So many of us have great and perfect reasons to lose weight and we still need a few starts before we manage to get it done. It doesn't mean we don't actually value those things, it means that we're human and losing weight is a big challenge.
I can understand all your feelings, but I'm here to say there is nothing wrong with you and this doesn't mean that you don't value the possibility of getting pregnant. It doesn't mean you have to give up the possibility of having a family or that you aren't going to lose weight. It just means the timing now looks a little different than what you anticipated this time last year and you can now decide what you want to do, once you've had some time to process these feelings.3 -
barefootbridgey wrote: »So. There's a lot mixed up in this.
I'm seconding somebody else who already said this - are you generally healthy enough to be pregnant? I was 198 lbs when I got pregnant with my first and 206 with my second, and I was definitely healthy enough - as are many, many people, both bigger and smaller than I ever was. And that, unless you're leaving something out in your post, is probably the true for you.
Pregnancy is both extraordinarily easy and extraordinarily difficult, all at the same time. MOST people can continue to be just as active as they were before they got pregnant for the vast majority of their pregnancy. Growing babies don't really require a different diet than what a healthy person should eat, and like, the extra calories they need is like, a couple hundred. Like 200 or 300. If you were to be pregnant at the (*presumably*) same general health you are now, you could still walk every day, eat a solidly healthy diet upped by just a couple hundred calories as you continue along the pregnancy and be totally fine. I gained weight (a lot) with both of my babies- 60 lbs the first time, 45 the second. I never had any weight related consequences. I did struggle to lose the remainder afterwards, but it didn't cause me any problems. and for me...had I waited to get pregnant until after I lost weight, I would never have had children. And I wanted children dearly. For me, weight loss is something that is extremely difficult to do and maintain....and being motivated by guilt is a recipe for disaster and self sabotage. Additionally, my boys are 10 years apart. I lost 50 lbs when my oldest was 3 or 4 and kept it off until I got (unexpectedly - thank you, Paragard, for failing) pregnant with my second. One of the most difficult things for me was watching all of my progress melt away on that scale and know that I'd have to do it all over again (which is where I am at now).
But that's just me. and this is about you.
If your body is generally healthy, and you and your husband have agreed that this is the time for you to start your family, unless you have been advised against it by your doc (and your picture does not appear to indicate that you are nearly that big), just go ahead and do it. Because you CAN do it AND try to get pregnant. And you CAN continue to eat healthy and get regular activity while you are pregnant. this doesn't have to be an either/or scenario. You CAN do both of these things at the same time (provided you don't go crazy and get real restrictive and try to maintain that while pregnant....). Women have been getting and being pregnant for a long time - and the vast majority of us do not get pregnant while being at our physical peak. I don't know how old you are, but women don't have their whole lives to have children - if you guys are ready now, and you KNOW you want it, just do it.
Additionally....and I'm sorry if this sounds like a therapist thing to say (but...I am a therapist, so it is what It is...lol). You might want to think about seeing one. Not because you're mentally ill or have a diagnosis or anything like that (although its all good if you do!), but because weight related guilt can be a hot mess on your mental health...and eating can get real disordered real fast. I've often wished I would have taken that advice myself....weight and self worth and guilt and food and self image are such a tricky knot. And even when it seems like SOMETHING should be enough to motivate us, it's not necessarily the case - whether that's being pregnant, physical health, etc etc...we all have our things....the things that "should" be natural motivators are not and we beat ourselves and make ourselves feel like garbage over it, rather than looking for a solution. Sometimes it's the weirdest things that are actually good motivation - I've failed a million times (maybe 2 million). I've been successful once - and I couldn't tell you what the motivation was. It wasn't my kids, or my husband or my family...if I had to guess, it was because my favorite brand of jeans was difficult to find in my size, and for some reason THAT was more stressful to me than anything else. I'm down about 9 lbs right now...and I think it's because I wagered money on it...and I want my money back. Neither one of those things is really that important in the long run, but here we are, and they've worked.
Look for your solution here....do you get pregnant and be healthy at the same time? Is it reasonable to weight until you've lost 10 or 20 lbs (or whatever?) Do you need to do a little soul searching about this on your own? Or with your husband? You are, most likely, totally safe and healthy enough to have a baby, but that guilt's going to eat you alive, if they are not already
So much of this. As a father of three amazing kids I cannot think of not having any of them in our lives now. We tend to overplan to the point of absurdity. There's never an ideal time.
As for the guilt. Never been a fan and don't find it particularly helpful unless it leads you to a positive change, otherwise let it go and seek out a skilled therapist. You aren't who you were a year ago and you won't be who you are now a year in the future.6 -
I kind of skimmed over all the replies but didn't see anywhere that it was recommended by your dr. one way or the other that you lose weight before trying to conceive. Was it simply your desire or personal wish to lose weight?
With my 2nd child, I was close to 200 when I went for my first appt. When I talked with the midwife I expressed my concern and she suggested I eat very healthy, not worry about calories, keep an account of what I ate daily and bring it back when I saw her the next time. She was extremely pleased with my food journal, and I only ended up gaining 15 lbs. through the whole pregnancy. It can be done; your body will use the calories for the baby, you will stay healthy, as long as you're eating right. I guess I don't see why you can't do both at the same time?
Please don't beat yourself up about it. Hugs to you!!3 -
janejellyroll wrote: »emilykc822 wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
Sometimes we disappoint our spouses and there's nothing we can do to help make it better. But other times we disappoint our spouses and we've got the power to try to make it better. Do you feel like being pregnant is something you want to do or is it more about what he wants to do?
Thank you. I wanted it too. I thought that a child would be enough motivation and I'm so embarrassed, sad, angry that for me it wasnt.
Oh, please be kinder to yourself! So many of us have great and perfect reasons to lose weight and we still need a few starts before we manage to get it done. It doesn't mean we don't actually value those things, it means that we're human and losing weight is a big challenge.
I can understand all your feelings, but I'm here to say there is nothing wrong with you and this doesn't mean that you don't value the possibility of getting pregnant. It doesn't mean you have to give up the possibility of having a family or that you aren't going to lose weight. It just means the timing now looks a little different than what you anticipated this time last year and you can now decide what you want to do, once you've had some time to process these feelings.
A few starts and 30 years of trying for me. It was only when I stopped trying so hard that I have actually been able to get most of it off.3 -
barefootbridgey wrote: »So. There's a lot mixed up in this.
I'm seconding somebody else who already said this - are you generally healthy enough to be pregnant? I was 198 lbs when I got pregnant with my first and 206 with my second, and I was definitely healthy enough - as are many, many people, both bigger and smaller than I ever was. And that, unless you're leaving something out in your post, is probably the true for you.
Pregnancy is both extraordinarily easy and extraordinarily difficult, all at the same time. MOST people can continue to be just as active as they were before they got pregnant for the vast majority of their pregnancy. Growing babies don't really require a different diet than what a healthy person should eat, and like, the extra calories they need is like, a couple hundred. Like 200 or 300. If you were to be pregnant at the (*presumably*) same general health you are now, you could still walk every day, eat a solidly healthy diet upped by just a couple hundred calories as you continue along the pregnancy and be totally fine. I gained weight (a lot) with both of my babies- 60 lbs the first time, 45 the second. I never had any weight related consequences. I did struggle to lose the remainder afterwards, but it didn't cause me any problems. and for me...had I waited to get pregnant until after I lost weight, I would never have had children. And I wanted children dearly. For me, weight loss is something that is extremely difficult to do and maintain....and being motivated by guilt is a recipe for disaster and self sabotage. Additionally, my boys are 10 years apart. I lost 50 lbs when my oldest was 3 or 4 and kept it off until I got (unexpectedly - thank you, Paragard, for failing) pregnant with my second. One of the most difficult things for me was watching all of my progress melt away on that scale and know that I'd have to do it all over again (which is where I am at now).
But that's just me. and this is about you.
If your body is generally healthy, and you and your husband have agreed that this is the time for you to start your family, unless you have been advised against it by your doc (and your picture does not appear to indicate that you are nearly that big), just go ahead and do it. Because you CAN do it AND try to get pregnant. And you CAN continue to eat healthy and get regular activity while you are pregnant. this doesn't have to be an either/or scenario. You CAN do both of these things at the same time (provided you don't go crazy and get real restrictive and try to maintain that while pregnant....). Women have been getting and being pregnant for a long time - and the vast majority of us do not get pregnant while being at our physical peak. I don't know how old you are, but women don't have their whole lives to have children - if you guys are ready now, and you KNOW you want it, just do it.
Additionally....and I'm sorry if this sounds like a therapist thing to say (but...I am a therapist, so it is what It is...lol). You might want to think about seeing one. Not because youre mentally ill or have adiagnosis or anything like that (although its all good if you do!), but because weight related guilt can be a hot mess on your mental health...and eating can get real disordered real fast. I've often wished I would have taken that advice myself....weight and self worth and guilt and food and self image are such a tricky knot. And even when it seems like SOMETHING should be enough to motivate us, it's not necessarily the case - whether that's being pregnant, physical health, etc etc...we all have our things....the things that "should" be natural motivaters are not and we beat ourselves and make ourselves feel like garbage over it, rather than looking for a solution. Sometimes it's the weirdest things that are actually good motivation - Ive failed a million times (maybe 2 million). I've been successful once - and I couldn't tell you what the motivation was. It wasn't my kids, or my husband or my family...if I had to guess, it was because my favorite brand of jeans was difficult to find in my size, and for some reason THAT was more stressful to me than anything else. I'm down about 9 lbs right now...and I think it's bcause I wagered money on it...and I want my money back. Neither one of those things is really that important in the long run, but here we are, and they 've worked.
Look for your solution here....do you get pregnant and be healthy at the same time? Is it reasonable to weight until you've lost 10 or 20 lbs (or whatever?) Do you need to do a little soul searching about this on your own? Or with your husband? You are, most likely, totally safe and healthy enough to have a baby, but that guilts going to eat you alive, if they are not already
Wow! Thank you I feel like I could cry right now. This would actually be my 6th and last baby. We knew this baby was supposed to come. I was large my first 2 pregnancies and I'm just scared of ever being that big again. However, I think I'm actually reconsidering maybe just going on with our plan. I will give it some thought. You helped me put some things into perspective.4 -
I kind of skimmed over all the replies but didn't see anywhere that it was recommended by your dr. one way or the other that you lose weight before trying to conceive. Was it simply your desire or personal wish to lose weight?
With my 2nd child, I was close to 200 when I went for my first appt. When I talked with the midwife I expressed my concern and she suggested I eat very healthy, not worry about calories, keep an account of what I ate daily and bring it back when I saw her the next time. She was extremely pleased with my food journal, and I only ended up gaining 15 lbs. through the whole pregnancy. It can be done; your body will use the calories for the baby, you will stay healthy, as long as you're eating right. I guess I don't see why you can't do both at the same time?
Please don't beat yourself up about it. Hugs to you!!
This is all me and my feelings. I come from a family that diet and health seems to be in every conversation and so it's always on my mind. My dr. Has not advised me that I need to lose to get pregnant.0 -
sending positive thoughts your way...1
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If you truly wish to get pregnant how much would you need to lose to feel comfortable?
This is not something you are probably ready to hear but we can't do anything about the past. We can only change the here and now and make for a better tomorrow. If you intend to lose weight for any reason guilt is not a helpful emotion to carry along for the ride. One of the best things I did for myself is finally forgive past me for the weight gain and stop trying to punish current me for his actions.
It is actually not a surprise that the stress of a deadline to get pregnant which has to be scary all by itself did not work out well for weight loss motivation. It has backfire written all over it. I think losing weight is best done as casually as possible. No deadlines, no reason to hurry, no worries if you eat too much one day. I find adherence easier if I am not stressed over it and it results in more consistent progress.
Agreed about the deadline. I'm sure you saw "the day" nearing and you knew that your weight and feelings of worth were not going in the direction you wanted, so it should not come as a surprise to you. Next time, pay attention that this isn't working for you. We are overweight because we eat too much, and we eat too much for a reason. What is your reason? Work on fixing that instead. When you deal with those traumas or stresses in your life, you will realize that your weight alone should not stop you from living your life.1
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