A wake up call that got me out of denial...

xmarye
xmarye Posts: 385 Member
edited December 24 in Motivation and Support
So a couple of weeks ago, my husband sat me down and kinda did an intervention. I used to be very in shape when we met, and after having 3 kids my weight has jumped up 60lbs. My youngest is now 2yo, so I can't be blaming it on that anymore LOL. He knows I have been trying to lose weight, but I always end up quitting on myself and giving up. I think because I don't feel worthy and so I self-sabotage because I am scared of reaching my goals. I am scared of shedding my fat girl identity because I accepted this as my reality.

I have been struggling with depression this last year and gained another 15lbs and was nearing the 200lbs mark... My husband is tired of seeing me quit not because he cares about my weight but because he knows how important this is to me, but this time it went too far. He sat me down and told me how he loves me with all his heart, and never cared about my weight, but that I had given up on myself and that he was losing attraction to me. Now, don't be taking my husband for a horrible person, because he is truly the most kind and caring person in the world. He's just an honest guy and doesn't want to pretend. He said he didn't know if it was the fact that he can see that I am so uncomfortable in my own skin (which I am, and because of it I am not even interested in sex that much anymore because I don't feel sexy at all).

There is so much more to this, I can barely take showers, brush my teeth or even get dressed properly because I am so depressed. I am always in pain and complaining. Not very attractive indeed. The worst part is I knew it was bad, but somehow kept telling myself it wasn't that bad. When my husband told me, something inside me broke, because I didn't want to believe what I knew deep down all along. I found myself disgusting too, how could he not see it himself? We spent a lot of time talking after that, and him reassuring me that he would never leave me or not love me for this, but that he simply wanted the best for me and that he knew I wasn't happy and that this was affecting him and our relationship as a whole.

It's harsh, but seriously simply true as well... After calming down and being reassured many times, I am now facing reality. I have let myself go and I need to do something to get better. This seriously have motivated me, at first because I was mad at him, then because I was mad at myself, and now because I realize that I DESERVE TO TREAT MYSELF BETTER and because I shouldn't hide or drown my feelings in food. There is so much more to life and I don't want to spend another 10 years living this way. Barely moving because my joints are always inflammed, not living life because I am depressed, and letting my dreams pass me by because my anxiety keeps me from taking any risks.

I appreciate my husband for not letting me live in my delusions, for not letting me define myself with excuses, and for being my biggest supporter always.

Since then, I have been making efforts trying to exercise for 10-15min. everyday using a free app on my phone which turns out to be really fun and it helps me build strength and confidence. I have been trying to take small steps like getting dressed in the morning, and taking a shower before I go to bed when the kids are asleep. I have decided to not let my hunger deter me of losing weight, deciding that going hungry isn't bad and is actually necessary to tap into my fat storage. Oddly enough, since telling myself that I wasn't gonna be a slave to my hunger anymore, it's been way more manageable. I also quit drinking pop and replaced it with tons of water in between meals to keep me hydrated and feeling full, with some zero calorie water flavouring (this is a life saverrrr). I have gotten down a structured meal schedule to help me stick to my calories (breakfast, lunch, pm snack and dinner) and now I am not even tempted in grabbing a midnight snack when I wake up for the kids at night! I am focusing on reaching my protein and fiber, and also including fruits and veggies with every meal.

I have lost 5lbs so far and this is a HUGE win for me. (I would like to lose another 45lbs at least.) I am so proud of myself for taking charge of my life and taking small steps in the right direction. I am thankful for my husband who refuses to let me dim my light and who encourages me to shine like he knows I can. I am thankful for my husband who will never give up on me, even when I seem to have given up on myself. I know I can do this, for myself, for my children, for my family. I can do great things and this is my beginning. I am ready to let happiness into my life again. I am worth it. I am capable.


Thanks for reading... What was your wake up call that snapped you out of denial and into taking action towards your goals?

Replies

  • Chris_J99
    Chris_J99 Posts: 175 Member
    I have a great nephew who is beautiful. I looked at him and decided I needed to be not only a great auntie but a fun and fit one too 😍. Journey started in September 2019. I am a work in progress 😁💪🏼
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
    I’ve gained back 25 pounds of the initial 60 I lost. I couldn’t let myself gain back half my process. And I feel ugly and fat. This combined with my dad having a stroke 2 weeks ago. It made me realize life is short and I must become a happy and active participant in my own life.

    Good luck to you, you’ve got this.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,644 Member
    Hugs girl... My wake up call was this morning when I stepped on the scale. Undid a lot of progress but moving forward 😁
  • lizaltfillisch
    lizaltfillisch Posts: 9 Member
    Wow, I feel this. I also struggle with mental health issues (mainly anxiety for me) and its so easy to want to fall into a whole. I have been going in positive streaks for over a year, but its hard to stay on track when that mental block comes back. I don't have great advice, but you're surely not alone. We can do this!
  • slade51
    slade51 Posts: 188 Member
    It all starts with small steps. Keep with it, you can do it!

    Yes, you DO deserve it! Thanks for sharing your story.

    I had to say enough is enough when I was out of breath doing anything, and getting put on cholesterol and BP meds.
    Hell, I was always that skinny kid in HS that forced myself to eat (remember the “97 pound weakling” ads)?
    Small short-term goals help.

    Let’s do this!
  • ferniejoy67
    ferniejoy67 Posts: 11 Member
    You are going to have a wonderful success story! Congrats for rising form the ashes!
  • NovusDies
    NovusDies Posts: 8,940 Member
    I was never in denial. I just kept quitting because I put together weight loss plans that were too strict and/or required that I change to much about myself too fast. I had a very all or nothing approach that didn't leave room for me to be an imperfect human.

    I kept quitting and assumed I just didn't have enough willpower. I didn't connect the dots that torturing yourself is not something that anyone should have willpower to actually do.

    I was at a weight and an age with developing complications that I do believe would have ended my life in the next 5 or so years.

    When I started 2 years ago it was not in a highly motivated state. I did not make any declarations. I didn't even want anyone to know. I didn't start eating healthier and I did no exercise. I lost weight. That is when the light bulb finally came on and I realized that I didn't have to do anything special to lose weight I just had to eat less. I started designing a program around losing weight as easy as I could. Instead of restricting food I forbid myself from restricting food. Instead of all or nothing I told myself it would always be okay to eat my maintenance calories on any day I felt the need. No pressure. No stress. No need for large amounts of discipline or motivation. I tried to be happy and time started to pass and losing weight was just the bonus prize of eating a healthy number of calories each day.

    As time moved forward my calories began to drop and it prompted me to make changes to accommodate the new lower levels. More and more lower calorie nutrient dense food replaced the higher calorie items. However I have remained true to my original rule that I would not restrict anything that made me fat as long as I could moderate it and I haven't. As my calories kept declining I added more and more activity to help with my level of fitness and keep me from ending up at a miserable level of food toward the end.

    Long story short I quit quitting. No matter how much I screwed up and I have screwed up a bunch I have never quit. I now realize that I have to keep living life and that means being imperfect, having vacations, holidays, family get-togethers, bad days, good days, and miscellaneous special occasions. I only have to lose weight most of the time not all of the time.

    I would encourage you not to assume that hunger is a by-product of weight loss. It may be that with some experimentation you can deal with it better. Remember that the easier it is the better. It won't all be easy but you have to keep working on keeping the parts you can control as easy as possible while still pushing yourself forward. It is a balance that takes trial and error. I am still adding changes and working on my balance. When I get it wrong I take a step back and try to figure out alternatives.
  • xmarye
    xmarye Posts: 385 Member
    @NovusDies Omg I love this!! I quit quitting... To answer about the hunger issue, I gained a lot of weight in the last few months eating way too much, but not necesserily bad food, just way too much. I justified it because I truly felt hungry. I monitored my calories and could easily eat 2200-2800cals per day, just sitting around not doing anything. I kept telling myself that I wanted to be healthier and follow my hunger cues, but I think that at that point my hunger cues were messed up and couldn't be trusted. It's kinda crazy when I look at my portions now. I know that you don't have to be hungry to lose weight, it was more of making a point that hungry or not, I could overcome it and stick to my calories, if that makes sense?

    Anyways, congratulations on changing your outlook. I really like how you explained it. Tfs ♥
  • NovusDies
    NovusDies Posts: 8,940 Member
    xmarye wrote: »
    @NovusDies Omg I love this!! I quit quitting... To answer about the hunger issue, I gained a lot of weight in the last few months eating way too much, but not necesserily bad food, just way too much. I justified it because I truly felt hungry. I monitored my calories and could easily eat 2200-2800cals per day, just sitting around not doing anything. I kept telling myself that I wanted to be healthier and follow my hunger cues, but I think that at that point my hunger cues were messed up and couldn't be trusted. It's kinda crazy when I look at my portions now. I know that you don't have to be hungry to lose weight, it was more of making a point that hungry or not, I could overcome it and stick to my calories, if that makes sense?

    Anyways, congratulations on changing your outlook. I really like how you explained it. Tfs ♥

    Makes sense.

    Left on their own my hunger cues are seldom appropriate. If I eat before 11am I am ravenous all day. If I skip breakfast I can sometimes go all day without eating at all (also not good) and never feel hungry. For this reason I listen to my logical brain more than I listen to my body. :wink:
  • RoseyandReady
    RoseyandReady Posts: 256 Member
    I wish more spouses were honest with each other and would give their partners a chance to find themselves again. Too many give up too soon or aren't supportive when you need them the most. You can do this with out a doubt!!!
  • puffbrat
    puffbrat Posts: 2,806 Member
    One problem I see with your post is that you are still defining treating yourself better as losing weight. As a parent to a 2 year old, I can understand how that much extra weight on top of your other responsibilities feels, but I also think it is important that you redefine treating yourself better and separate your weight from your worth. That doesn't mean that losing weight and getting more fit can't be a goal or can't feel good, but feeling good about yourself shouldn't just be tied to those things. Give yourself some slack. Also, is your depression really just about your weight, or is your weight just one factor or even a symptom of your depression? Have you talked with a professional about treating your depression? Be kind to yourself.
  • xmarye
    xmarye Posts: 385 Member
    puffbrat wrote: »
    One problem I see with your post is that you are still defining treating yourself better as losing weight. As a parent to a 2 year old, I can understand how that much extra weight on top of your other responsibilities feels, but I also think it is important that you redefine treating yourself better and separate your weight from your worth. That doesn't mean that losing weight and getting more fit can't be a goal or can't feel good, but feeling good about yourself shouldn't just be tied to those things. Give yourself some slack. Also, is your depression really just about your weight, or is your weight just one factor or even a symptom of your depression? Have you talked with a professional about treating your depression? Be kind to yourself.

    Well I am getting treatment with my doctor and also going to therapy. My weight is not the only problem of course but this is a weight loss forum so that's what I am here to talk about lol. There are a lot of things out of my control, but my weight and food intake are not and getting a handle on those can help improve many areas of my life. I was overweight before my depression but kinda stable at the same weight, but my weight has gone up quite fast since this fall. :disappointed: It's gotten out of hand and I don't want to let it get worse! I also believe that while not a cure all, weight loss can definitely improve my life by helping stabilize my mood, gaining confidence, having more energy to do things, etc. Tfs! ox
  • puffbrat
    puffbrat Posts: 2,806 Member
    xmarye wrote: »
    puffbrat wrote: »
    One problem I see with your post is that you are still defining treating yourself better as losing weight. As a parent to a 2 year old, I can understand how that much extra weight on top of your other responsibilities feels, but I also think it is important that you redefine treating yourself better and separate your weight from your worth. That doesn't mean that losing weight and getting more fit can't be a goal or can't feel good, but feeling good about yourself shouldn't just be tied to those things. Give yourself some slack. Also, is your depression really just about your weight, or is your weight just one factor or even a symptom of your depression? Have you talked with a professional about treating your depression? Be kind to yourself.

    Well I am getting treatment with my doctor and also going to therapy. My weight is not the only problem of course but this is a weight loss forum so that's what I am here to talk about lol. There are a lot of things out of my control, but my weight and food intake are not and getting a handle on those can help improve many areas of my life. I was overweight before my depression but kinda stable at the same weight, but my weight has gone up quite fast since this fall. :disappointed: It's gotten out of hand and I don't want to let it get worse! I also believe that while not a cure all, weight loss can definitely improve my life by helping stabilize my mood, gaining confidence, having more energy to do things, etc. Tfs! ox

    I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad you are treating your depression and working on what is in your control.
  • eryn0x
    eryn0x Posts: 138 Member
    [quote="Thanks for reading... What was your wake up call that snapped you out of denial and into taking action towards your goals?[/quote]

    Looking back at my weight that I have recorded in MFP over the years is a big wake up call. Never would I have thought I was like so much lighter not long ago... and seeing that I had lost weight and put in back so many times... I know how to do this, I just need to stop giving up and starting back at square 1.
  • ladyzherra
    ladyzherra Posts: 438 Member
    Girl, I am hearing you. Husbands sometimes aren't what we need as we move forward, grow, change. He may be kind; he may be honest. That's not for you. What is for you is your journey, your needs, and you deserve to feel supported and loved through that no matter what. No excuses. Depression is real and you need to explore that if you'll lose weight successfully for the long term, and that may involve take a hard look at your husband and criticizing him about what no longer makes YOU happy. Your journey is actually not about him, although he certainly matters in your journey. Sounds like you are really in a place of hurt and in need of deep care. When your spouse fuels the pain, look elsewhere. Therapy is a great start. Support groups, girl friends, asking yourself to reconnect to your passion s, speaking your mind, aski g for help, the list goes on. But hubby not being attracted to you is not your lroblem, girl. No way. Let that go. In no way is that your concern. What is your concern is your mental health, and your physical health... For YOU, my friend. We wives and mother's can do without a husband who doesn't stand beside us and lift is up on OUR journey. I am not saying this is the case for you. But heads up: it's the case for most women I know, I cludinv myself four years ago before I got a divorce after ten years in a psychologically abusive marriage. Sometimes you take a hard look to survive
  • adotbaby
    adotbaby Posts: 199 Member
    I was in the same situation as you, for decades, then decided that I had to do something to get the weight off and be healthy. I am back down to my single-person weight of 30+ years ago and never felt better. It has taken almost two years, with many speed bumps. Most of the time I feel good, but waves of depression come in and I have to ride it out, even on meds. Take it one day at a time, or even one meal at a time. It'll be a good example for your children to see you being active and investing in your well-being. I'm really proud of you, it's so hard to take that first step and commit to getting healthier. You can do this ☺
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