Acquaintances n the gym

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alma_perotto
alma_perotto Posts: 6 Member
edited February 2020 in Motivation and Support
I’m sorry I seen this topic before but I really need advice in order to proceed I just took up weightlifting my husbands been doing it for two years now n has made a gym friend Katie a new gym opened and he secretly invited her to join without me knowing plus I noticed how they basically workout side by side to each other making it hard for me to concentrate granted there’s emotional infidelity on his part and marital problems which we both want to work out but in this situation would it be immature to ask he distance himself from her or should I just let it go?im enjoying my workout but I can’t stop thinking about it

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  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,646 Member
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    Definitely talk to your husband.
  • mbaker566
    mbaker566 Posts: 11,233 Member
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    it's your insecurity. i would let it go.
    unless in the past, he's given you a reason to be suspicious. then talk to him but be prepared for him to stand his ground
    if a significant other told me to distance myself from a friend, i wouldn't. because i haven't given them any reason to worry. most of my running friends are men. some of my closest friends are men.
  • alma_perotto
    alma_perotto Posts: 6 Member
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    Your probably right I have set up time to see a therapist because I feel it inhibiting my ability to better my self physically n emotionally
  • alma_perotto
    alma_perotto Posts: 6 Member
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    McBurnsalot wrote: »
    IMO.

    I am a male and I would not be ok with my wife befriending a guy at the gym and working out like you describe.

    As a guy, it is possible to have a female friend and not be sexual, but it can very easily lead to something like emotional or physical infidelity. Weather people want to admit it or not if two people that are attracted to each other spend enough casual time together then it can lead to something else and I don’t think it is appropriate for someone in a serious relation ship to carry on as a close friend to the opposite sex.

    Don’t feel guilty or bad that it bothers you. It most likely isn’t something going on but if it makes you uncomfortable then you should speak up and if he does not have any simpathy or understanding for your feelings I would go to a marriage counselor.

    Thanx mcburnsalot I’m thinking of amicably asking Katie to keep her distance while we work this out or changing gym times all together
  • alma_perotto
    alma_perotto Posts: 6 Member
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    deputy_randolph wrote: »
    I think the biggest issue is that he "secretly" invited her to join the new gym. If their friendship was not a big deal to either him or to you, he would have not done it "secretly."

    I text my husband's male friends occasionally or my female friends will text him occasionally...It's never a secret, b/c it's nothing more than a text in either of our minds.

    I definitely would consider marriage counseling if there are other issues in the marriage as stated.

    Deputy I think that is what bothers me on top of his emotional infidelity he connected with someone we both regularly talk to so I can’t wrap my head around why he would have done that behind my back it’s not like I didn’t see them together she never hit my radar until he lied about it n realized it could happen currently waiting for marriage counseling appt
  • panda4153
    panda4153 Posts: 417 Member
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    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    alma_perotto wrote: »
    McBurnsalot wrote: »
    IMO.

    I am a male and I would not be ok with my wife befriending a guy at the gym and working out like you describe.

    As a guy, it is possible to have a female friend and not be sexual, but it can very easily lead to something like emotional or physical infidelity. Weather people want to admit it or not if two people that are attracted to each other spend enough casual time together then it can lead to something else and I don’t think it is appropriate for someone in a serious relation ship to carry on as a close friend to the opposite sex.

    Don’t feel guilty or bad that it bothers you. It most likely isn’t something going on but if it makes you uncomfortable then you should speak up and if he does not have any simpathy or understanding for your feelings I would go to a marriage counselor.

    Thanx mcburnsalot I’m thinking of amicably asking Katie to keep her distance while we work this out or changing gym times all together

    Why involve another person that has nothing to do with your marriage? 🤔

    Why not ask your husband?

    I agree this is about you and your husband, I would ask him, Don’t put three responsibility on a third party, especially if you don’t know that anything shady is happening. Also I’m curious about how he secretly invited her to workout, if you are at the gym to then surely he realized you would see them working out together, are you projecting that it was a secret or was it that he didn’t really think about it because your there too, and Katie is just a friend??

    With that said we can’t help how things make us feel and think you should discuss them with your husband. Marriage is a partnership and you have to be open, I would think that asking for a little more distance between them when working out would not be an issue. Unless your husband is possibly spotting her, and even then I would think he would respect your feelings. I would say think about how you approach the conversation though. Humans naturally get defensive if they are feeling attacked so if you come at like you are accusing him of something it may not be as productive a conversation. Instead make it about your feelings, acknowledge that you don’t think anything is actually happening but that you can’t help how you feel and will he help to make you more comfortable and allow you to focus on your goals.
  • Joanna2012B
    Joanna2012B Posts: 1,448 Member
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    I’m thinking of amicably asking Katie to keep her distance while we work this out or changing gym times all together

    Why would you involve her at all? This is between you and your husband and the communication needs to start with him.
  • alma_perotto
    alma_perotto Posts: 6 Member
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    Joanna2012B wrote: »
    I’m thinking of amicably asking Katie to keep her distance while we work this out or changing gym times all together

    Why would you involve her at all? This is between you and your husband and the communication needs to start with him.

    Valid I will not do that... I definitely keep this between us
  • alma_perotto
    alma_perotto Posts: 6 Member
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    panda4153 wrote: »
    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    alma_perotto wrote: »
    McBurnsalot wrote: »
    IMO.

    I am a male and I would not be ok with my wife befriending a guy at the gym and working out like you describe.

    As a guy, it is possible to have a female friend and not be sexual, but it can very easily lead to something like emotional or physical infidelity. Weather people want to admit it or not if two people that are attracted to each other spend enough casual time together then it can lead to something else and I don’t think it is appropriate for someone in a serious relation ship to carry on as a close friend to the opposite sex.

    Don’t feel guilty or bad that it bothers you. It most likely isn’t something going on but if it makes you uncomfortable then you should speak up and if he does not have any simpathy or understanding for your feelings I would go to a marriage counselor.

    Thanx mcburnsalot I’m thinking of amicably asking Katie to keep her distance while we work this out or changing gym times all together

    Why involve another person that has nothing to do with your marriage? 🤔

    Why not ask your husband?

    I agree this is about you and your husband, I would ask him, Don’t put three responsibility on a third party, especially if you don’t know that anything shady is happening. Also I’m curious about how he secretly invited her to workout, if you are at the gym to then surely he realized you would see them working out together, are you projecting that it was a secret or was it that he didn’t really think about it because your there too, and Katie is just a friend??

    With that said we can’t help how things make us feel and think you should discuss them with your husband. Marriage is a partnership and you have to be open, I would think that asking for a little more distance between them when working out would not be an issue. Unless your husband is possibly spotting her, and even then I would think he would respect your feelings. I would say think about how you approach the conversation though. Humans naturally get defensive if they are feeling attacked so if you come at like you are accusing him of something it may not be as productive a conversation. Instead make it about your feelings, acknowledge that you don’t think anything is actually happening but that you can’t help how you feel and will he help to make you more comfortable and allow you to focus on your goals.

    Secretive being “oh hey did you see that Katie’s here?”
    Him:” yeah I did. I was surprised to see her myself”

    When I found out about his emo infidelity I asked to see his phone in which he did comply but found that he invited Katie on a free pass they had shared some pics of the new gym with each other commenting how nice the yoga mats were when I wasn’t there I wouldn’t have cared but he seemed to pull it off as he was surprised as well the texts were 1-2 weeks after I saw her there
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,646 Member
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    alma_perotto wrote: »
    panda4153 wrote: »
    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    alma_perotto wrote: »
    McBurnsalot wrote: »
    IMO.

    I am a male and I would not be ok with my wife befriending a guy at the gym and working out like you describe.

    As a guy, it is possible to have a female friend and not be sexual, but it can very easily lead to something like emotional or physical infidelity. Weather people want to admit it or not if two people that are attracted to each other spend enough casual time together then it can lead to something else and I don’t think it is appropriate for someone in a serious relation ship to carry on as a close friend to the opposite sex.

    Don’t feel guilty or bad that it bothers you. It most likely isn’t something going on but if it makes you uncomfortable then you should speak up and if he does not have any simpathy or understanding for your feelings I would go to a marriage counselor.

    Thanx mcburnsalot I’m thinking of amicably asking Katie to keep her distance while we work this out or changing gym times all together

    Why involve another person that has nothing to do with your marriage? 🤔

    Why not ask your husband?

    I agree this is about you and your husband, I would ask him, Don’t put three responsibility on a third party, especially if you don’t know that anything shady is happening. Also I’m curious about how he secretly invited her to workout, if you are at the gym to then surely he realized you would see them working out together, are you projecting that it was a secret or was it that he didn’t really think about it because your there too, and Katie is just a friend??

    With that said we can’t help how things make us feel and think you should discuss them with your husband. Marriage is a partnership and you have to be open, I would think that asking for a little more distance between them when working out would not be an issue. Unless your husband is possibly spotting her, and even then I would think he would respect your feelings. I would say think about how you approach the conversation though. Humans naturally get defensive if they are feeling attacked so if you come at like you are accusing him of something it may not be as productive a conversation. Instead make it about your feelings, acknowledge that you don’t think anything is actually happening but that you can’t help how you feel and will he help to make you more comfortable and allow you to focus on your goals.

    Secretive being “oh hey did you see that Katie’s here?”
    Him:” yeah I did. I was surprised to see her myself”

    When I found out about his emo infidelity I asked to see his phone in which he did comply but found that he invited Katie on a free pass they had shared some pics of the new gym with each other commenting how nice the yoga mats were when I wasn’t there I wouldn’t have cared but he seemed to pull it off as he was surprised as well the texts were 1-2 weeks after I saw her there

    Seems messy. Sounds like you two need therapy as there are already trust issues. I can't imagine having to snoop through someone's phone to find the truth.

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