things are getting a bit out of hand

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shw112
shw112 Posts: 60 Member
in Motivation and Support
this is a bit of a sensitive issue and i wasn't sure whether to post it but i'm feeling the need to vent...
quick background i lost about 50 pounds a couple of years back and have been struggling to maintain it since, have managed to keep the majority of it off with a few fluctuations. I still want to lose about 15 more pounds and have been repeatedly trying and failing to do this.

I'm currently in my last year at uni and i've realised that my obsession with dieting has made me pretty socially isolated. I don't go out and do a lot of things because I spend all my time trying to avoid potentially calorie-laden situations. Because I plan and track everything I eat it's pretty much impossible to be spontaneous, so I am always turning down invitations to do stuff in case food will be involved. I also feel pretty insecure still about my weight despite now being pretty comfortably in the healthy BMI range so I can be kinda shy around people, and I keep telling myself that once i get to my goal weight i'll go out and do more things, but i've now nearly finished uni and unsurprisingly I never managed to get there.

on rare occasions, I do go out drinking, but these nights will always follow the same pattern- I will consume a bunch of excess calories in alcohol on top of what I have already eaten that day (which i will always somehow manage to meticulously log no matter how drunk i am), then I will end up going with my friends to get some kind of take-away after, which i know i should just say no to but my willpower disappears when I drink, then because by this point I will have racked up an extraordinary number of calories for the day I will almost always go to the bathroom and purge whatever I have eaten. I know this is bad, but genuinely it only ever happens when I drink, when I am sober I feel absolutely no urge to do this at all. It doesn't even really come from a place of horrible distress on anxiety or whatever, at the time it always feels pragmatic, like i'm just trying to negate some of the damage. usually because I'm so drunk i feel completely disconnected from the action. none of it feels like a very big deal.

no one knows about this, and of course its very easy to hide because even if people do hear they assume i'm just throwing up from being drunk.

how worried should i be about this? does anyone else have experience with it? I almost feel stupid posting about it, its such an occasional thing and still feels very much within my control, and I know people have bigger problems. but i just feel like it's symptomatic of how badly i'm struggling to maintain my weight, I don't feel like i can go on like this forever, with my whole life being dictated by food. I'm not sure what to do anymore.

hope you're all doing well, any advice is appreciated

Replies

  • Avidkeo
    Avidkeo Posts: 3,190 Member
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    OP there is a fair bit to unpack here.

    First of all, your main and bigest problem seems to come about from drinking. You say this doesn't happen often, but I would be concerned about anyone that feels they have to purge. I would suggest that on these nights out, have one drink, then stick to sugar free non alcoholic beverages after that. You won't get drunk, then can resist the takeaways. That's a fairly simplistic solution, I know.

    Do you track your weight using a trending app at all? I ask because I've started doing this, and it's really helped me realise that my binge days aren't actually that big a deal. For example, in the last 2 months, every 2 weeks I've had a binge of some kind or other. As you can see from my graph, it's barely made a blip on my weightloss. Yep I can see that I have these blips, but now I know it only really lasts for a few days and I'm back to losing.

    kd4h7r6kr268.jpg

    I know that this week I'm going to a concert, and consequently will have a bit of a binge day. I am fine with this because I know from my previous trends that it's no big deal. I'll see a blip but it will be fine.

    Another thing is the last 10-20lb are notoriously difficult and take a while to lose. You need to remember your ultimate goal - what ever that is. My ultimate goal is to live life while maintaining.

    Finally I feel you have some unhealthy approaches. You should be able to still enjoy life while losing weight. What are your calories set to? Are they too low? You should consider some therapy to work through your relationship with food so you can enjoy life rather than be afraid of going out.
  • MaggieGirl135
    MaggieGirl135 Posts: 977 Member
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    Please very strongly consider seeing a counselor at your school. You may not even incur any cost and, if not, the costs could be be submitted to your insurance (at least this is true for the US). Regardless, your thoughts on your weight and eating, the impact on your social life, and the alcohol (and food) binging could be greatly helped. I recommend making an appointment sooner than later, as there may be a wait. As well, when the appointment comes, go, even if you feel that things are under control. I wish you the best; you do not have to be by yourself with this. Hugs.
  • jenncornelsen
    jenncornelsen Posts: 969 Member
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    It can be so easy for weight to rule your life, i get that. But if you feel its holding you back from things you love, I would say it's time to seek outside help. I wish the best for you! But know that 10 lbs won't be the answer, i know.
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,598 Member
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    I would say at least for now to stop drinking alcohol. This is the trigger for extra calories and for purging.
  • primekayprime
    primekayprime Posts: 253 Member
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    I second RCPV. Socially isolating yourself because you're worried about food intake is extreme and most concerning. But as someone else said, there is a lot to unpack here.

    With that said, I recently reflected on my own overeating and restricting behavior. I saw the restricting very much as you see your purging, a practical solution to a problem. But I had to see that while it is a solution, is it the most practical? Is there a deadline to lose the weight? I'm not competing professionally or an athlete. Why do I need to restrict? I did pretty well the rest of the week and can will still post a loss and get back to my normal intake tomorrow.

    I'd also like to point out that getting to your goal weight will not make your underlying fear of navigating food during social situations go away. You only feel that way cuz your think your weight is the problem.
  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,724 Member
    edited February 2020
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    Others offered much wiser advice than I could but want to give you {{hugs}} and hope that you can change this. It's most important that you confront it all now because it sounds like the start of a trend in your life and with your weight. Yes, our weight is part of the important factors in a healthy lifestyle but it's not the end-all that many people(especially those with just a few lbs. to shed)feel it is. The purging to deal with it, the withdrawal from social activities, the obsession over a few pounds.....it all speaks to me, of an unhealthy mindset and That's what you need to deal with most importantly.

    My dearest friend was bulimic a long time ago and it created terrible health issues for her. While she overcame those tendencies of what she did to her body physically, she still grapples daily with her obsessive eating and the way she feels about herself.

    I'd say there's a lot going on under your surface and sometimes one needs to confront ALL of it to regain better health. Wishing you all the luck in the world!!

    ETA: I understand the fears of not wanting to regain all the weight you've lost in your past, but there are much healthier ways to confront that issue. Seek therapy; it can do wonders, peeling off one layer at a time.
  • missysippy930
    missysippy930 Posts: 2,577 Member
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    I think you should be worried about this. You do seem to have issues with food consumption, and drinking both, that are tied together. Counseling will help you to resolve this. Purging is an issue that’s concerning, no matter how infrequent. It’s an eating disorder.
  • vggb
    vggb Posts: 132 Member
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    You should be truthfull and forthcoming with your counselor. A counselor only knows and works with what you tell them. They are the confidential receptacle for all of your concerns no matter how 'trivial' you think they are and it's their job to hear any and all complaints and worries. They are there to help you, bottom line.

    The other thing I read from your posts is you need to be honest with yourself and not minimize what is going on. Bulimia is a dangerous thing that develops with time. You need to call it what it is, stop calling it "purging" and call it by it's name, Bulimia. By calling it "purging" you are minimizing what is really going on. Alcohol, the master uninhibitor is enabling you, so yes, stop the drinking until you are in a better place.

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