birthday/boyfriend advice (long post alert)
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GirlWithCookies
Posts: 138 Member
in Chit-Chat
I'm posting this on Myfitnesspal instead of talking to someone like a friend or my mom, because I know I'll get unbiased, thoughtful opinions here. I love the forums!
The million-dollar questions is: do I just hope my boyfriend plans something for my birthday or do I go home to be with my family?
Background:
My birthday is coming up and I'm turning 30 (woo!). My boyfriend's birthday is 12 days after mine and he's also turning 30. Months ago, I said that I would like to have a joint party and invite our friends up (we live in Portland, ME, most of our friends live in Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont). He is more depressed than excited about turning 30 (lame!) and told me he really doesn't want to have a party or anything like that. So now I'm making plans for just the two of us for his birthday, which I have had in the works for a couple of months already.
Back in January, I asked if he would ask his job for the day off on my birthday, which is on a Saturday. He thought it was way too early to be planning that far ahead. I basically said nevermind. Since then, just in regular conservation, he has said that he really can't take Saturdays off unless absolutely necessary (like for his cousin's wedding that is a 5-hour drive away). I totally understand this because I know his office is short staffed and he is the point person on Saturdays (we work for the same media parent company, but at different newspaper offices, if that clarifies things).
The only time he has asked me anything about or mentioned my birthday in recent weeks is when I first asked if there was anything in particular he wanted to do for his birthday. After he answered, he asked me the same question. I said "Well, you're working, so ..." And that was that. He usually has Fridays off, as do I, but he hasn't suggested celebrating the day before.
I feel disappointed that my boyfriend doesn't even seem to have my birthday on his radar. I know he's not secretly planning anything because he's just not that kind of thinker and he knows I don't like surprises. Maybe I'm being childish, but I thought turning 30 was a milestone and I was excited about celebrating.
My mom knows I'm sad about my boyfriend's lack of enthusiasm/planning, so she called me about a week ago saying that I should come home (to Vermont) and spend my birthday with her, my dad, my brother and sister-in-law, and some friends. On one hand, that does sounds like fun and I love being home, but on the other hand I'm worried that I will just be sad and want to be alone, which defeats the purpose of going home. If I didn't go home and my boyfriend didn't do anything, I would probably just have a treat-myself day alone.
If it's not obvious by now, my boyfriend is not a planner. He also has ADD and procrastinates on most things that aren't work-related. However, in general he is a very sweet and caring partner, and I know he loves me.
Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and wait until a week or two before my birthday to see if he brings it up? And if not, just go home? If I'm the one to bring it up, I will feel like he's just complying to make me happy — but I want him to want to do these things, you know? I don't want to be any more high maintenance than I already am (I'm an emotional handful lol).
A similar situation occurred in December. I was finishing an associate degree, and told him a few weeks in advance what I wanted to do to celebrate when I was officially done. The "officially done" day came, and, granted, I don't remember exactly what I said, but I remember he responded "Oh, did you want to do something?" So that was the snuffer on that. I just made myself busy the rest of the day. It made me feel like what I accomplished wasn't important and it upset me that he (clearly) didn't remember that I wanted to do something.
Bravo if you made it through this post lol
The million-dollar questions is: do I just hope my boyfriend plans something for my birthday or do I go home to be with my family?
Background:
My birthday is coming up and I'm turning 30 (woo!). My boyfriend's birthday is 12 days after mine and he's also turning 30. Months ago, I said that I would like to have a joint party and invite our friends up (we live in Portland, ME, most of our friends live in Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont). He is more depressed than excited about turning 30 (lame!) and told me he really doesn't want to have a party or anything like that. So now I'm making plans for just the two of us for his birthday, which I have had in the works for a couple of months already.
Back in January, I asked if he would ask his job for the day off on my birthday, which is on a Saturday. He thought it was way too early to be planning that far ahead. I basically said nevermind. Since then, just in regular conservation, he has said that he really can't take Saturdays off unless absolutely necessary (like for his cousin's wedding that is a 5-hour drive away). I totally understand this because I know his office is short staffed and he is the point person on Saturdays (we work for the same media parent company, but at different newspaper offices, if that clarifies things).
The only time he has asked me anything about or mentioned my birthday in recent weeks is when I first asked if there was anything in particular he wanted to do for his birthday. After he answered, he asked me the same question. I said "Well, you're working, so ..." And that was that. He usually has Fridays off, as do I, but he hasn't suggested celebrating the day before.
I feel disappointed that my boyfriend doesn't even seem to have my birthday on his radar. I know he's not secretly planning anything because he's just not that kind of thinker and he knows I don't like surprises. Maybe I'm being childish, but I thought turning 30 was a milestone and I was excited about celebrating.
My mom knows I'm sad about my boyfriend's lack of enthusiasm/planning, so she called me about a week ago saying that I should come home (to Vermont) and spend my birthday with her, my dad, my brother and sister-in-law, and some friends. On one hand, that does sounds like fun and I love being home, but on the other hand I'm worried that I will just be sad and want to be alone, which defeats the purpose of going home. If I didn't go home and my boyfriend didn't do anything, I would probably just have a treat-myself day alone.
If it's not obvious by now, my boyfriend is not a planner. He also has ADD and procrastinates on most things that aren't work-related. However, in general he is a very sweet and caring partner, and I know he loves me.
Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and wait until a week or two before my birthday to see if he brings it up? And if not, just go home? If I'm the one to bring it up, I will feel like he's just complying to make me happy — but I want him to want to do these things, you know? I don't want to be any more high maintenance than I already am (I'm an emotional handful lol).
A similar situation occurred in December. I was finishing an associate degree, and told him a few weeks in advance what I wanted to do to celebrate when I was officially done. The "officially done" day came, and, granted, I don't remember exactly what I said, but I remember he responded "Oh, did you want to do something?" So that was the snuffer on that. I just made myself busy the rest of the day. It made me feel like what I accomplished wasn't important and it upset me that he (clearly) didn't remember that I wanted to do something.
Bravo if you made it through this post lol
2
Replies
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Go home and have a blast with your family.4
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I think you already know you’ll be disappointed if you wait to see what he does, so tell him straight up that it’s important to you and make a plan. Otherwise you’re setting him up to fall short of your expectations and that’s not fair given what you know about him and his tendencies. And don’t worry about feeling like he’s ‘doing it just to comply’ yet. Make the plan, then if he makes you feel bad about it or wrecks it by being a whiny *kitten* you’ll know it’s because he’s being a tool and not because you were unfair.4
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GettinLean19 wrote: »I think you already know you’ll be disappointed if you wait to see what he does, so tell him straight up that it’s important to you and make a plan. Otherwise you’re setting him up to fall short of your expectations and that’s not fair given what you know about him and his tendencies. And don’t worry about feeling like he’s ‘doing it just to comply’ yet. Make the plan, then if he makes you feel bad about it or wrecks it by being a whiny *kitten* you’ll know it’s because he’s being a tool and not because you were unfair.
This is a good point. What are other people's experiences with their significant others? Would you tell them exactly what you want in this situation?
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Just dump him. You’ve already made it pretty clear it’s important to you, asked him to take the day off, etc, and he still hasn’t made it, or you, a priority.4
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@CaptAwesome77 took the words out of my mouth since I was thinking it from your second paragraph (girl, when he said he wouldn't plan that far out to take your birthday off).
But you seem to like the guy and he does have the real challenge of ADD. Thing is, mental health issues aren't always going to relieve a loved one of being loving.
You two obviously are into each other or wouldn't be together as long as you have been so work from that foundation. But there's other work the two of you need to commit to in order to enhance and leverage your love.
Blessings to you both and pre-HAPPY BIRTHDAY!1 -
Disappointment is the result of our own expectations.
Partners don't read minds, they don't intuitively know how important something is to us, and they often don't take hints no matter how blatant we think they are.
Tell him what you want to happen. You may even need to help plan it. In his mind, he may be minimizing the significance of the 30th birthday thing for you because he feels the opposite and can't relate to wanting a fuss.3 -
For one of my bdays, I didn’t tell my ex anything! He didn’t mention anything nor did I.I just ended up going to the next city early morning to celebrate with my friends without telling him anything, he showed up at my house with flowers and a gift but I wouldn’t tell him where I was. I just posted myself having a good time on Snapchat.GirlWithCookies wrote: »GettinLean19 wrote: »I think you already know you’ll be disappointed if you wait to see what he does, so tell him straight up that it’s important to you and make a plan. Otherwise you’re setting him up to fall short of your expectations and that’s not fair given what you know about him and his tendencies. And don’t worry about feeling like he’s ‘doing it just to comply’ yet. Make the plan, then if he makes you feel bad about it or wrecks it by being a whiny *kitten* you’ll know it’s because he’s being a tool and not because you were unfair.
This is a good point. What are other people's experiences with their significant others? Would you tell them exactly what you want in this situation?
Moral of the story I don’t wait on anyone and my happiness doesn’t stop because of one person. I think people get too dependent on their bf/gfs.
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Agree with Vanity. Make your own fun! I won’t tell you what that is, but going home sounds fun, girls night out in your city might be fun.
Is your boyfriend a sports fan? Maybe tickets to a ballgame on your Friday off, bow and card that says Happy Birthday to both of us!
Respect what your boyfriend says he wants for his birthday.0 -
Be very direct with him. Let him know your 30th birthday is a big deal to you and that you’re excited about it. There is nothing wrong with handling majority of the planning yourself as long as he is willing to help you with things. I absolutely feel he should take that Saturday off for your birthday. Invite some friends out and do something fun.
You’re not asking for much by doing this. He should be understanding. Don’t force him to celebrate his in a way that makes him uncomfortable. You can still do something fun that you know he enjoys for his day though.0 -
Most of the couples I know the woman is the primary social planner. It sounds like that is how your relationship is as well. I get your birthday is a big deal to you, but its not very realistic to expect your boyfriends personality to change when special events come along. My hubs is a stay at home kind of guy and I have to drive most of our going out and doing things and handle most of the planning. If there is something special I want to do I just tell him what it is and he will usually make it happen.
It sounds like your really need to work on being open and direct, you are dropping hints and playing games but that usually isn't very effective and just leads in your own disappointment. Time to step up and take control of your own happiness, depending too much on your partner to make you happy is not usually a successful life plan.
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I'm a widow. My late husband and I had a wonderful marriage, but he never remembered my birthday. Never. I would wait and wait and expect something, a card or flowers or a gift or dinner or something, and then he would forget, and I would be angry and hurt. Finally, I had enough and circled it on the calendar and planned something myself. Our relationship was great otherwise and it wasn't worth a fight, especially when he came down with cancer.
This is a different issue, though. Your boyfriend knows when your birthday is and he knows you want a celebration.
How is the rest of your relationship? Are you happy overall? Are you both listening to each other? It sounds like he really doesn't want a celebration, while you do want one.
I would celebrate with my family. Whatever you do, make a decision and move on.5 -
GirlWithCookies wrote: »GettinLean19 wrote: »I think you already know you’ll be disappointed if you wait to see what he does, so tell him straight up that it’s important to you and make a plan. Otherwise you’re setting him up to fall short of your expectations and that’s not fair given what you know about him and his tendencies. And don’t worry about feeling like he’s ‘doing it just to comply’ yet. Make the plan, then if he makes you feel bad about it or wrecks it by being a whiny *kitten* you’ll know it’s because he’s being a tool and not because you were unfair.
This is a good point. What are other people's experiences with their significant others? Would you tell them exactly what you want in this situation?
I always tell my hubby what I want. It's not fair to expect him to be a mind reader.4 -
@CaptAwesome77 took the words out of my mouth since I was thinking it from your second paragraph (girl, when he said he wouldn't plan that far out to take your birthday off).
But you seem to like the guy and he does have the real challenge of ADD. Thing is, mental health issues aren't always going to relieve a loved one of being loving.
You two obviously are into each other or wouldn't be together as long as you have been so work from that foundation. But there's other work the two of you need to commit to in order to enhance and leverage your love.
Blessings to you both and pre-HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I totally agree with this. I work in the mental health field and see this with clients with ADD all the time. You can tell them something and 15 minutes later you can tell them again and it's like they are hearing it for the first time.
Be kind and patient with him. Write your plans down and post them somewhere where he can see them daily. If he chooses to participate when the time comes, great. Otherwise go be with family and have fun.1 -
I appreciate all the advice! The common, and most logical, suggestion is to be straightforward with him. I have no trouble doing that when it's something like "I need you to wash the dishes" or "Pick up your crap so I can vacuum" or "I want pizza for dinner" lol. But when it comes to emotional things, I have a yearning that he'll become tuned in enough to organically get excited and want to do/say whatever on his own (wow, this sounds so juvenile as I read it back to myself). I have a fear of seeming/being severely high maintenance or selfish, so I get nervous about directly asking for things. But you all are right that he's not a mind reader, and that the hints I drop might seem like game playing instead of wishful thinking.
And of course I'm going to respect his wishes for his birthday.3 -
GirlWithCookies wrote: »This is a good point. What are other people's experiences with their significant others? Would you tell them exactly what you want in this situation?
I love my husband to death. But he does NOT take hints. I have to straight up tell him exactly what I want to do/where I want to go (and when) for my birthday and our anniversary....I even make the reservations. Although I usually have to work on my birthday (the joy of having a Jan 3 birthday and working in accounting) - unless the 3rd falls on a weekend, it usually ends up being a 10-12 hour day for me due to year-end closing, so we celebrate on the weekend. That said, 30 was literally just another normal birthday for me, so I couldn't have cared less what we did....40? that one was traumatic 😂
If I were you, I would do as suggested above and tell him you want to celebrate your birthday on Friday when you are both off work - and even tell him "I'm making dinner reservations at XYZ restaurant for 7pm" or whatever.
Then, I would ALSO go home on Saturday morning to celebrate with your family, since he has to work. 😊
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GirlWithCookies wrote: »But when it comes to emotional things, I have a yearning that he'll become tuned in enough to organically get excited and want to do/say whatever on his own (wow, this sounds so juvenile as I read it back to myself). I have a fear of seeming/being severely high maintenance or selfish, so I get nervous about directly asking for things. But you all are right that he's not a mind reader, and that the hints I drop might seem like game playing instead of wishful thinking.
And of course I'm going to respect his wishes for his birthday.
It sounds a lot like you know the person he is... and he’s always been this way. I can understand you wanting him to become tuned in but for the most part people don’t change. The best you can do is, pretty much as everyone said, be as up front and direct as possible with him regarding what you want. It’s not high maintenance to tell your BF what you want, it’s courteous as it minimizes misunderstandings and miscommunication.1 -
My husband and I just celebrated our birthdays (we're three days apart). I've been married for close to 13 years at this point (yikes, there's a sentence I never thought I'd say) and I have realized that while he does love me and he can typically remember my birthday and our anniversary every year, he SUCKS at planning anything or doing anything that requires planning.
It sucks on my end because I get tired of constantly being the "planner" and having to write out a list for gifts (because he's a sucky gift giver and doesn't pick up on hints at all).
After all this time, I've realized that I have to be straight up front with him. Tell him what I'd like to do (and usually it's something we both enjoy) and/or tell him exactly what I would like him to make for me (he's a very good cook).
It's disappointing because I will never get to enjoy "true" surprises and it often leaves me feeling like he doesn't really care about how I feel or what I'd enjoy. After all, I go out of my way to remember and pick up gifts I know he'll like, plan out things I know he'd enjoy... and it's a let down to not have that reciprocated because that's how I show love.
But at this point, I've resigned myself and realized that we're just two really different people in this regard. I've also realized that I've changed over the years. I used to really hate surprises and hate making a big deal out of special days, but as I've gotten older, my attitude has evolved and I realize that some of the small things are kind of important.4
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