I'm Drowning and I'm Afraid...

MyVictory2020 · March 2020

I have been at this for a long time. Far longer than I would ever care to admit. I'm practically an expert on all things weight loss. I know exactly what to do to be healthy, but I constantly find myself drowning in the comfort of my own misery. Every now and then I get a taste of what life is like inside the "boat" - where I'm healthy and happy - but the minute I start to climb in, the waters grab me and pull me back out to sea.

It's interesting because I watch shows like The Biggest Loser and My 600 Pound life, and I'm saying the same thing everyone else is, "Put down the cookie!" "Don't eat the whole pizza!" Yet, I'm picking up the cookie and eating the pizza. No, I don't weigh 600 pounds but I've been slowly gaining and while I'm less than my highest weight - it's still not a good number. Truthfully, I need to lose 100 pounds.

I know what I need to do but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I'm literally scared of being healthy and being active and being anything other than what I've been for the past nineteen years of my life. That sounds so stupid, and I can justify it all day long - It's all I've ever really known and to change means that I'm going to have to work through things and suffer.

It's interesting because I suffer every day treading in the water of my misery. I suffer a poor self-image that I sabotage daily. I suffer lack of physical health as I cannot do many activities that don't involve sitting. My son pleas with me to chase him and play with him, but I'm a lump on a log. Inside it tears me up. I have a family history of diabetes and I'm on a rapid approach to that myself if I don't make the correct changes. I don't want to be diabetic, yet I don't want to put down the cookie because that means I'll have to endure the temptation and craving. I don't want that.

Yet, as I tread the waters of my misery I look up and see glimpses of what life could be like back on the boat. I see myself, happy and healthy. Not necessarily thin and beautiful - but confident and sure. I see myself playing with my son, being active, living life and making choices that are good for me and my family. Every now and then I get brave enough to try and climb into the boat and pursue that dream, but it doesn't take long before the misery disguises itself as a sweet melody that lulls me back into the despair once more. And so the cycle repeats over and over again.

I don't want to suffer, but as a friend recently pointed out to me - I've either got to suffer in the water or suffer in the boat. So where do I suffer? I'm afraid to make that decision, even though I know I'm making it every day when I choose to be unhealthy. I need to change my life. Not just a few small changes, but a massive overhaul. That terrifies me, and so I just sit in the water, treading and waiting - regretting nineteen years of bad choices that have lead me here.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I wanted to get this out though and see if maybe anyone else can relate or has any advice.

Lietchi · March 2020

I think you need to set smaller goals and not look too far ahead. Don't scare yourself by thinking of a major overhaul and 'healthy food'.

Have those cookies, just fewer of them. Eat pizza, just fewer slices. Want to exercise? Don't start exercising an hour each day, but start with 15 minutes a few times a week.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time

Wendyanneroberts · March 2020

Can you start by making small changes, rather than trying to overhaul everything at once. Its not just about losing weight but being healthier overall. Building habits that will help you maintain these changes and not rebound, as soon as you stop "dieting".

Your anology states being "in" or "out", of the boat, but there is a lot of ground inbetween.

Perhaps start by weighing and logging everything you eat and drink, everyday. Perhaps for a couple of weeks. Don't worry about making changes or what the logs show, this will give you a good starting point.

Once you feel comfortable doing this, then look over your logs. Try to find ways to make small changes. Or see which items are not worth the calories. Or which foods helped you to feel fuller for longer.

Get used to each small change, so it becomes habit or part of your daily routine.

Then try another, gradually cutting calories in this way, can make it easier. Than making huge changes all at once.

Set up MFP with your statistics, to see where your heading for.

Don't focus on or worry about large deficits. If by doing so makes you "fall out of the boat". Having a smaller deficit may make it easier to hit and stick to with your new routine.

For example, losing 2lb or 3lb a week, but after a few days or weeks, you can't maintain the changes. If giving in and returning to past habits. Will probably mean regaining (perhaps more) of what you lost.

Where as slow and steady, can win the race. I feel this is the reason behind my successful weight loss & managed maintainance. Not regaining for the first time in my life.

As starting with a 1lb a week deficit, was easier. Then as I lost weight, I dropped it to 0.5lb a week deficit. As a smaller deficit was easier to manage.

Weight loss doesn't need perfection but consistency over time.

Rosie3579 · March 2020

Happy, healthy, being active with your son, living life - those are wonderful things & you can achieve them! I started to make changes in my life because I wanted to be a better mom to my son too. I wanted those same things that you describe. I haven’t reached my goal weight yet (far from it), but I am a better mom already! I started out just tracking my steps and trying to walk more. I focused on trying to eat more foods that have nutrients and that fuel my body. I haven’t done anything extreme. I haven’t cut out any foods entirely. I haven’t restricted my calories to the point where I feel deprived or want to binge. I haven’t done any extreme exercise or injured myself - just enjoying being more active throughout the day. And whatever the scale says on any given day, I feel like I am winning at this! I started to feel happier and more hopeful just about a week after I started, and every week since for me has been better than the one before. I am sleeping better. I have so much more energy. I am happy when my toddler wants to eat off of my plate because he is enjoying healthy foods. On a Saturday morning, you would see us having dance parties and chasing each other and laughing. And there is nothing cuter than my little cub crawling under me when I am doing a plank. I can see him loving me for who I am today, and I am trying to love myself just how I am today as well.

snowflake954 · March 2020

The changes you're describing don't need to be drastic. Do you have a digital food scale? Have you started weighing and measuring all your food and drink? Do that and try to stay within your daily calorie goal. If you can, get up and take a short walk--15 min to start, if that's all you can do. After a week do 20 min a day. Then 30...... This is how you can change you're life. Sure, you've got to make some effort, but you've got a dream, so hang on to that and get going. Good luck.

rheddmobile · March 2020

Your friend sounds wise. But I disagree. You don’t have to suffer in the boat because the boat is not that scary. I was you, 125 lbs overweight in my case, and already too late to avoid diabetes, and I’ve been in the boat 3 years now and it’s surprisingly not at all bad in the ways my fat self thought it was going to be bad. For example I don’t spend my life craving food I can’t have. I eat food I enjoy, and I look at fast food ads now the way I look at ads for men’s shoes - something that just doesn’t apply to me. Sometimes I feel sad that I can’t sit on my butt all day and play video games, but it’s a passing sort of sadness like what you might feel remembering an old boyfriend when happily married to a better man.

It did take a while to get to this place. For about the first six months of my lifestyle changes I cursed and carried on and even cried at how miserable my life was. Poor me! But it was surprising how little I missed my bad habits once I had good ones. And six months is not a long time. You mentioned nineteen years? That’s how long it took to dig the hole you’re in. It takes way less time to climb out of the hole. You can lose 100 lbs in a year, a year and a half, two years if you go slowly!

Some things that helped me when I was getting started. First, I took action to fix some of the non-food related issues in my life so that I wouldn’t need to depend on food for comfort and pleasure. I used to hate my kitchen, I fixed it so I love it. My sofa was uncomfortable and awful. Got rid of it, got a better one. Told my husband if he didn’t change a couple of long term habits that were damaging our lives, I was going to show him the door. He changed them, and we have a much better relationship as a result. I started painting my fingernails and doing my makeup. It’s amazing how little things can make you feel better!

Second, I made an effort to find things about my new life that I enjoy. You have your child to motivate you, so that’s sorted! Just enjoy the heck out of playing with your kid. I learned that I love winning age group awards at races, and I like lifting heavy objects. I like learning new dance moves. Your new self will have new joys that your old self never dreamed of!

I hope you find your way onto that boat and eventually make it to shore!

amusedmonkey · March 2020

A few small changes is exactly what you need. Then a few more later, and so on. The end result is that you will look at yourself a few years later and think "I have achieved so much". Had I tried a full overhaul when I first started I would be looking right now exactly as I looked 7 years ago. I did not have to put down the cookie all throughout my weight loss, but I did need to learn new skills on how to manage the cookie. Have it less often, have fewer cookies, not have the cookie when another food is more appealing...etc. I have lost 140 pounds and maintaining, and wouldn't have done it if I had chosen to go all in. I would have burned out.

The trick is to make progress consistently. It doesn't matter how much progress, even if it's just 1 cookie less a week, as long as it's consistent progress and you're not standing still. Even if you choose to maintain for a while and your weight is standing still, learning about yourself and trying out various strategies never stops.

MaltedTea · March 2020

Your friend stated that you either need "to suffer in the water or suffer in the boat." Perhaps there's another way of thinking about it using the same boat analogy?

Find peace in the water or find peace in the boat.

It's a word play that may shift your mindset and ultimate approach.

You seem to be self-aware enough to know that there's no peace for you in the water: you want to play with your child, be more active etc.

So with the great suggestions made above by previous posters, along with your ability to make great narrative (hopefully your internal dialogue is just as rich albeit more positively focused than negative), you can slowly inch your way to the boat and find consistent peace once you make your way back into it this time round.

annliz23 · March 2020

As stated above start small aim to stay positive!

NovusDies · March 2020

One of the fundamental things I changed this time was to stop thinking of myself as an expert in weight loss and recognize I was only an expert in how to fail. Once I realized it I used that 30 years of experience to start avoiding traps instead of racing into them.

For me there is no boat and no water. There is only trying to live a normal life and nudging what is normal in increments so that it does not feel foreign. That is what making small changes over time does. If you change too much and it feels foreign you will resist it and find yourself wanting to return to normal.

It should not be hard everyday. It will be hard some days. Some days will be hard for reasons other than weight loss. Even that is normal.

What does not matter is weight loss efficiency. What matters is how easy it is to lose the next pound not how fast. Sustainability is what keeps it from being a boat and water scenario.

Try to keep your thoughts in the present. What matters is today. Get through today in a calorie deficit and try to be as happy as possible doing it. Whether or not you are successful start tomorrow and go again.

MidlifeCrisisFitness · March 2020

Throw out the TV and find other activities.

cheryldumais · March 2020

I would like to echo the sentiments most people here have. I tried to diet my entire life. I always started out with a goal within a time frame. If I slipped I felt I might as well binge and I would undo all the work I did. Finally I started making small changes. It took me 2 years to lose 100+ pounds. For a long time no one even noticed I was losing. Never mind the latest diets that everyone is doing. Find what works for you. I started walking and I was doing 4,000 steps a day. A far cry from what the "experts" said we needed to do but that was what I could do. Now I can easily get 12,000 or more a day. Forget setting a time frame. Just work slowly one step at a time and keep a balanced diet so that you don't become ravenous. If you normally eat four tacos eat two then see if you need another. I used to think that two tacos was a side with my regular meal, lol. Now it's dinner. If I overeat I feel nauseated. That took a long time to achieve but it sure makes it easier to maintain. I have seen my weight creep up a little but have kept off the bulk of it for 2 years. I intend to drop back down to my low weight and stay there and I can assure you it can be done. Find something you can live with. A diet isn't something you do for a while before going back to old habits so you need to be able to do this for life. Make it something you can live with. Good luck.

I'm Drowning and I'm Afraid...

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