Abuse survivor(trigger?), warrior princess, and a single mom of 3.

Pull up a chair and your coffee (with fat-free half and half as creamer of course) this is going to take a while.

My name is Hope. I'm 33. And am within days of being finished with my second marriage. I am a mom of 3 tiny humans; 5, 3, and 1. Full-time nursing student. I was working 30 ish hours a week when the virus hit.

This year has not gone as planned but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Super short back story. When I met my x about 7 years ago; he was a virgin. A few days in we changed that and for weeks to follow, I'd wake up in the middle of the night with him deeply groping my crotch. I'd fight it or swat it away. One night I fled from the bed screaming if he ever did that again we were over. His actions switched to deeply fondling my assets under my clothes during waking hours. I'd ask him to stop or say no, or, literally, fall to the floor in a shopping store to get away from him. Somehow I got him to stop.

We got engaged shortly into our relationship and married about 9 months in following a chronic disease diagnosis of MS for him. We bought a house about 2 weeks after his diagnosis, and about 1 week later I got the + sign on the pee stick. We were pregnant.

Sex problems started when I wouldn't want to play and he'd give me the silent treatment all day or pick fights with me. By the time 8 months pregnant came around, I was going to bed early and pretending to be asleep if he came to bed after me. TRIGGER FOLLOWING THIS. One night, he cuddled up to my 'sleeping' body. Rubbed my leg briefly, pulled my pants down and entered me. He finished super fast got up and showered. The entire time I pretended to sleep. I didn't move. I didn't engage. I also didn't tell him no. I've struggled with this because I didn't say no, was it still rape. IT IS STILL RAPE!!

END TRIGGER

I knew then that I had to get out but at 8 months pregnant what was I going ot do as a single mom. So I stayed. The baby came, fights got worse, we slept separately often. I was on baby duty all night, went to work, came home, repeat. Sex problems didn't go away, but we were busy with baby. We still barely had sex, and he was always pissed that we weren't. 10 months later another +. We miscarried. 2 months later we were pregnant again. When my second was born it was determined that the few extra bucks I"d make at my job wasn't worth putting baby in daycare so I quit my job. After this baby, I wasn't allowed to be on anything for hormonal birth control because it "made me crazy". So we used condoms. Which quickly became the pull-out method. Which quickly became just once the method. Less than a year later. Pregnant again.

After this I got an IUD, non-hormonal to appease him, even though I was traumatically examined during delivery of baby #3 and could not even mentally handle a hand inserting an IUD. I was determined not to get pregnant again. I also started putting any cash I got form different things away. In case I got pregnant again. Our sex life never improved.

This past summer, I completely lost my self-value. I did things I can't believe I did. Including giving him sex whenever where ever however he asked. I had lost me and my values weren't worth fighting over. Just the kids were my life. In July I broke up with him over something. I took him back a week later. In August I broke up with him, moved to the room in the basement, bought things... I went back a couple of weeks later. I had to make 1 of 3 choices. 10 was my husband would request medication to chemically castrate himself so he had zero libido. 2) I had to give up everyone from my past. I'm a former firefighter, Jeep girl, gun owner, all my friends were males. OR 3) We start an open relationship.

Losing my friends, my dearest friends, platonic ones, x bfs who had known me for years, even best guy friends who only ever ended up kissing and deciding we weren't a fit. I JUST COULDN'T DO IT. I knew it was too much isolation.

So I choose an open relationship. As a female, it's super easy to find people. I called a few x's and I took advantage of the openness. I was miserable with my life so why not. Once he realized (only a few weeks) that there is literally not a woman out there just looking for casual sex with someone new, he quickly shut it down and said we're only swinging.

We joined a website, met a couple and 6 months ago, despite hating him, I died in a hotel bed, next to a man that hated me, listening to his wife and my husband have the most amazing sounding sex in the world. He didn't want to be there either. We laid there. Tried periodically to get hormones to take over. I was dying. And I was so upset that I couldn't please him I told him to go play with his wife and my husband.

That moment, he did the most human thing I had experienced in many many years. He laid there, he held me, and our hearts broke together. We were trying to make our spouses happy. We tried to have sex, but, we barely connected.

Afterward we spent days working on building a friendship so that our spouses could play. So that we could tolerate each other. Because they were normal. And I didn't want to have to sleep with someone else who may or may not have chosen to lay with me. Slowly dude and I bonded. And were finally at a point where we were meeting every few weeks to either swing or get the kids together to have 'family' functions.

My comfort level with this dude finally was at a point where we had the best sex anyone in the world had ever heard of.

My husband snapped that night. Claims it was because he was done swinging. I will always suspect that it was because I wasn't actually supposed to be having a good time. Things happened that night that hurt my soul. He had us drive up 2 hours in a blizzard, to leave them. The following morning he wanted sex. I was too heartbroken and too sore to be able to perform with less than 4 hours of sleep so we cuddled.

A shower later and he had come to a decision. He wasn't going to hug me, kiss me, sleep with me. He was going to take an emotional break from me. Because I wasn't there when he needed me. Sex. He wanted sex, and I was to tired and sore to put out. So I asked him how long would this last? He told me 30 days. 30 DAYS! The day went on quietly, but that night I snapped. I had done nothing wrong. He was completely out of line. And after years of wondering if I was crazy crazy, I realized I was being manipulated.

I blocked him on all social media things, called the couple we were swinging with to break up with them. Because by that point I had come to value them greatly. They were both my friends and I had come to enjoy the (basic) respect the husband was giving me. Because the sex with a strange man was more respectful then the sex I was getting with my husband. Either way, I knew if I didn't call them and end it, I might chicken out.

The following day Feb. 3 I asked for a divorce. My plan had been to be strongly rooted in Roller Derby Girls and have many connections and friendships made from running and the gym to support me so when I was hoping to leave over the summer, I had a support network. I was 6 months ahead of schedule and many hundreds of dollars short.

Life was nasty at home. He had separated me from my parents, my siblings, my friends, and made fun of any part-time job I got. Some times he'd even schedule extra shifts during my working shifts and make me skip work because he made 4 times more than what I did and obviously that's what you'd do when you can't find a sitter.

On March 22, I signed a lease. On the 23rd I moved out 90% of my things. and maybe 10% or less of my kid's things. I was supposed to have 30 days to collect whatever I needed to survive because he was an RN, and I was only working low paying part-time jobs until my nursing internship started in May. On the 24th he refused to let me in to get a few things including a spare pair of pants for our 5-year-old son and medicine for our 1-year-old daughter. On the 26th he gave away thousands of dollars of tools and electronics to his siblings.

TRIGGER BEGIN

The 27th he overdosed on his meds, poured gasoline throughout the house that was in my name only, (which he was getting in the divorce) and set it on fire in hopes he'd pass out and die.

TRIGGER END

4 felonies and 1 misdemeanor charge later. Being 302'd, self admitting to mental health, and in jail for 3 days. My parents posted his bail! Because somehow, he had been talking to them all along, and I was the bad person. Because I'd fight with him, and I knew how to push his buttons. We had a partially phsycial altercation this past November, but I was too afraid of ruining his RN license with a PFA I did nothing.

He's out, running the streets currently. I have 100% custody of the kids and he's only contributing health insurance. Our divorce isn't even final yet (should be this week or next though).

The insurance issues alone on this are a nightmare. My husband set my house on fire. I was moving out that week. He had torn the entire first floor apart over the past 2 years because he was going to self remodel. He fought me tooth and nail for my house b/c he spent 2 years of work in it. I hadn't had a kitchen since August of 2019. The house was ripped up since Mayish of 2018. And he set it on fire. And in the divorce eh's suppose to get the house.


Either way. I am so thankful I got out in February and am not currently stuck in lockdown with him and 3 kids because of this virus. I truly believe my life was saved.

I'm trying to finish nursing school this semester, pay my bills with no job, THANK YOU STIMULUS, raise 3 of the most gorgeous children I have ever seen, and keep my sanity.

I started with a weight of 260 in January. Today I'm at 230. My plan was gym, roller derby, and running. But those have fallen because of no money and I can't run in the cold air. But I've still lost 30 pounds. I don't recommend the divorce diet, but it helps. I was hoping to run a half marathon in July, I am still going to hit 5 or maybe 10k by July.

Thank you very much for reading all of this. Emotional abuse, domestic violence, and anything like it is hard as F to get out of. It took me 3 times. The average is 7 times. And some women don't make it.

I can't help but wonder if the kids and I would be alive if I was on lockdown with this man.

I'm hoping other survivors reach out to me, I hope women thinking about fleeing are empowered, and if you have anything negative to say; just know it will fall on deaf ears.