How can I help/motivate my girlfriend?

Hello to the whole community. I hope everyone is doing well during these times. I also thank you all for your responses in advance as you probably know it can get a little hectic with replies, I will reply once I have the time.

My question is a little wide in the thread title in regards to what I mean, so I'll explain a little below.

So I recently decided at the beginning of april that I wanted to start using my lockdown as a way to reach a fitness goal. I started out on 92kg, and also decided to take on the insanity 60 day challenge. So far I'm doing very well being a month in. I havent weighed myself yet but I've seen a drastic change in my body so far.
My girlfriend who also started with me was going great as we both did it together for the first few days.

Now I think she does'nt have any motivation at all. Now let me begin by saying, I really do not care how she looks, as long as she is happy, i am happy. Now as you can imagine, she isnt happy with herself at all!

So really, the questions is, is there a way I can help her? Or is it a case where somebody can only find their own motivation? I thought that me continuing to push myself would help but it really hasn't.

I thank you all again for your responses. And please stay safe during these times 😁👍👍
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Replies

  • Womona
    Womona Posts: 1,136 Member
    It’s next to impossible to light a fire in someone else. It all has to come from her. I suspect that she started the challenge to support your efforts! Awww!

    It sounds like you’re really trying to be there your gf, which is just wonderful!
  • brittanystebbins95
    brittanystebbins95 Posts: 560 Member
    First off, its great that you want to help her Especially for the right reasons. My husband is my personal trainer and I appreciate the heck out of him for pushing me (and other things, too.)

    But I agree that she has to want it. It is a solitary pursuit. If she has self esteem issues as it is, what might seem to you like helpful motivating, might look like nonacceptance or disappointment in her eyes, or just magnify what she might feel like is already a failure. Just speaking as someone who started off with very low self esteem. We can and do take things the wrong way sometimes.

    I would just back off a tiny bit, honestly. If she wants to join you, she will. Maybe ask her if she would like to go for a walk or a bike ride with you, make it more of a "spending time together" thing than scheduled exercise. Insanity might be too much. Just speaking from experience. I spent close to $200 on all the DVD's and what not and hated it. I'd much rather go outside and run a few miles and then lift weights. Maybe insanity just isn't for her and she'd prefer other exercise outlets.
    You just keep doing you. If she wants to join you, she will. Just continue making sure she knows that you love her the way she is.
  • SuzySunshine99
    SuzySunshine99 Posts: 2,803 Member
    Keep doing what you're doing, and if she wants to join you, she will.

    If you push her, she may soon be your ex-girlfriend. Leave it be...unless she specifically asks for your help, no good can come from you trying to "motivate" her, even if you have the best intentions.
  • MaltedTea
    MaltedTea Posts: 6,287 Member
    Option #2: it's "a case where somebody can only find their own motivation"
  • Iwantahealthierme30
    Iwantahealthierme30 Posts: 293 Member
    I tried this "working out together" thing with my ex-fiance. We signed up for a gym. As soon as he realized I was doing better than him, he didn't want to go anymore. It only took 2 sessions. Now for me, I've been on and off this train myself. I'd ease up a bit.
  • littlegreenparrot1
    littlegreenparrot1 Posts: 644 Member
    You do you, she will get involved if she wants to.
    It does sound like this was all your plan in the first instance, and that she was being supportive for you, rather than having her own interest.

    There are all kinds of things that have an impact on a person's motivation in normal times, and things are currently far from normal. All the additional anxieties about work, finances, family, health, not having one's usual friends, routines and support network. For a lot of people now is just not the time to get on board with a new challenge.
  • NovusDies
    NovusDies Posts: 8,940 Member
    She may never be motivated to do what you are doing. Your way is probably not going to be her way. Your way is working for you but it doesn't make it right for anyone but other people similar to you.

    Luckily she can do lots of other things to improve her health, appearance, and level of fitness. If she asks tell her to experiment with different options and see what she finds easy to do when she is not feeling motivated. A sustainable plan is one that works on your bad days.
  • mbaker566
    mbaker566 Posts: 11,234 Member
    short answer: you can't
    but you can go on walks together, eat delicious healthy food together, etc. not that you are forcing her, but making decisions to go together. like go for a walk with a picnic, or go walk to a view of a sunset. take a walk around a lake or by a river. and don't talk about it like exercise. talk about it as a nice thing to do.
    and if she declines, accepting her answer.
  • Steph_135
    Steph_135 Posts: 3,310 Member
    If you want to help her, you need to help her figure out her WHY. She probably doesn't have a strong enough reason to continue. Her thoughts are probably not in the right place to generate motivation. If she's open to it, ask her about her wants and needs, the reasons why she wants those things, and HOW she can get those things.

    Then, see if she wants to make a micro-commitment - something she is able to do that would make her feel like she's moving in the right direction (for her).

    You could also do a little more research on "change talk".
  • niniundlapin
    niniundlapin Posts: 327 Member
    Sorry no real answer for you, but I just wanna say my husband is the same. When we met he was this carefree, goal-crushing person with chunky muscles lol. But then for the next few years with advancement of his career, he seemed to worry more, like really worrying more about retirement and stuffs. It’s normal and I get it, but I just don’t understand the mindset of becoming almost 90% sedentary when we’re still talking about being healthy to enjoy our lives with our daughter. He’s the type who’d lose weight very easily and everyone would notice the change, especially his parents and sister. He’s also very particular with the type of workouts he’d like to do (weather is the biggest factor). At this very moment he’s actually off for the week and can be staying at home. I’m still continuing my self-challenge of working out 7 days a week (few days are light, “fun” days with our toddler), but he’s only jogged once for the past 2-3 months when it’s warm outside a few days ago. I just hope it starts warming up soon so he’ll be out of winter blue (yes it’s still cold here) and can jog early outside again frequently... :/

    (Maybe there’s something on your girlfriend’s mind that fitness is just not at the top of her priority list?)
  • dbanks80
    dbanks80 Posts: 3,687 Member
    Are there any other activities that she like to do? Maybe you can encourage her to do other activities that she would like.

    Other than that she has to want to be motivated for herself.
  • Go_Deskercise
    Go_Deskercise Posts: 1,630 Member
    edited May 2020
    My girlfriend who also started with me was going great as we both did it together for the first few days......Now I think she doesn't have any motivation at all. Now let me begin by saying, I really do not care how she looks, as long as she is happy, i am happy. Now as you can imagine, she isn't happy with herself at all!

    Maybe she is still motivated but would prefer to do it alone *shrug*
    Might be worth asking her...

    Could there be a chance that you may be making comments to her that to you seem caring and considerate but to her point out her flaws and make her feel bad (personal experience)?

    It's why I don't work out with or in front of my husband. He's a great guy and he means well but sometimes he says things while I'm working out and it makes me self conscious and feel bad about either certain parts of my body or how hard/not hard I'm going. Does he mean to make me feel this way? .... no but this is why I have chosen not to workout with or around him. It's my time to be me with only me and I don't have to listen to his or anyone else's thoughts/opinions/critiques/suggestions.


  • KrissFlavored
    KrissFlavored Posts: 327 Member
    Personally I dont find anyone else motivating when I'm not into it, my ex used to go on and on about his gym sessions and whatever and if my eyes could of rolled any far back, they would be looking into the back of my skull.

    Lol.. 2 years it took but I finally decided to get my body back last month, but honestly I found him and his results more demotivating then anything else..

    He was putting in the work for it, but when your energy is low and you wanna do it but just feel blaaaaah... watching someone getting results is like a double whammy.. lots of times I wished he felt the same tiredness as i did.. and that's not good either but that's how my brain was
  • omelet2000
    omelet2000 Posts: 112 Member
    It’s true what everyone is saying - motivation has to come from within. That being said, it doesn’t mean you can’t help.
    Weight loss is 90% about food intake. You should try to change both of your diet as much as possible (mostly your own). When you go out she orders a coke, you order an ice tea. She orders a lasagna you order an Italian salad. When she wants to get pizza you ask if you can cook her some delicious vegetables and lean chicken.
  • KrissFlavored
    KrissFlavored Posts: 327 Member
    Lol... sorry but if I want pizza... "delicious vegetables" ain't gonna cut it.
  • NovusDies
    NovusDies Posts: 8,940 Member
    omelet2000 wrote: »
    It’s true what everyone is saying - motivation has to come from within. That being said, it doesn’t mean you can’t help.
    Weight loss is 90% about food intake. You should try to change both of your diet as much as possible (mostly your own). When you go out she orders a coke, you order an ice tea. She orders a lasagna you order an Italian salad. When she wants to get pizza you ask if you can cook her some delicious vegetables and lean chicken.

    No to this. Make small changes over time. The more drastic it seems the more motivation is requires. Change only enough to get inside a calorie deficit and try to keep things as normal as possible.

    Which seems more likely to happen?

    Someone will want to start losing weight and still eat at least some or some portion of familiar foods?

    -or-

    Someone will want to start losing weight when faced with heavy restrictions and sacrifice?


    With that said cutting down my beverage calories was the easiest first step for me to get into a calorie deficit most days.
  • Je55ica_79
    Je55ica_79 Posts: 276 Member
    Why not just talk to her about it. Ask her if she wants to continue it. Maybe she just started with you to support you. Or maybe she thought she liked the program at first but got into and realized it wasn't working for her.

    If you bring it up and it doesn't seem to go anywhere just leave it alone and do your thing.
  • minimiss669
    minimiss669 Posts: 86 Member
    Even when or especially when in a relationship, it is important to know that you are responsible for you. If one person starts to feel like they are making decisions based on or against someone else's ideals, resentment builds up and feelings of failure are inevitable. Even if it's someone you love. If she doesn't want to be on a diet anymore or on your diet then all of your encouragement is going to feel like judgment to her. And it suuuucks watching 20 pounds drop off your man when in that same amount of time you lost 5.
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 25,761 Member
    Talk with her in a sensitive way about what her goals and concerns are now (not necessarily just exercise/fitness goals, just whatever's important to her for her quality of life).

    Ask how you can best support her in reaching her goals, which may be nothing like your goals. Listen actively, believe what she tells you. Then try to follow up. Seek feedback from her about how you're doing at supporting her, about how you can improve your support.

    It seems like something about the situation isn't working for her. It might be the goals, it might be the methods. Listening to her is the way to find out.