Not sure how I should feel
A little back ground: Last year when my mother was dying and I was taking care of her, her entire family (except for one of my aunts) turned against me and said I was doing it all wrong but didn't offer to help. Make a long story short, after mom passed away, I wrote a letter and sent it to my grandmothers house. I told her and everyone what I thought, but I didn't say anything mean or ugly, I just spoke the truth. Well, this made everyone even more mad at me as they can't handle the truth.
Foward to today: I got a call last night from my son and my aunt to tell me that my grandmother is on her death bed and anyone that wants to say thier good byes should go today but I am not allowed.
The problem is: I don't know how I should feel. They (the other aunts) didn't want me to know because they thought I would come up there and cause a scene. This is NOT my style. That is not the time nor the place for a scene and I am NOT a scene starter. I am not hurt that they feel this way, what I AM hurt about is all the other extended family members that are being told I am this horrible person which I am NOT, they are not being told how they treated me when mom was dying and I was trying to take care of everything with no help from the family. I also don't know if I should be sad that she is dying and should I feel guilty that I am NOT sad. Should I go to the funeral, which I have also been told I am not welcomed at. This is the only grandmother I have ever known. We used to be really close until my mom got sick and every thing just went down hill. So today my emotions are all out of whack. What do you guys think I should do? I just thought maybe I should just send flowers to the funeral but they would probably be burned. ( I have a really vendictive, petty family or ex family) This is my mother's family. I never knew my father's side of the family, so they are all I have ever grown up with, when my mom died I lost my best friend plus what I THOUGHT was my family.
Memaw
Foward to today: I got a call last night from my son and my aunt to tell me that my grandmother is on her death bed and anyone that wants to say thier good byes should go today but I am not allowed.
The problem is: I don't know how I should feel. They (the other aunts) didn't want me to know because they thought I would come up there and cause a scene. This is NOT my style. That is not the time nor the place for a scene and I am NOT a scene starter. I am not hurt that they feel this way, what I AM hurt about is all the other extended family members that are being told I am this horrible person which I am NOT, they are not being told how they treated me when mom was dying and I was trying to take care of everything with no help from the family. I also don't know if I should be sad that she is dying and should I feel guilty that I am NOT sad. Should I go to the funeral, which I have also been told I am not welcomed at. This is the only grandmother I have ever known. We used to be really close until my mom got sick and every thing just went down hill. So today my emotions are all out of whack. What do you guys think I should do? I just thought maybe I should just send flowers to the funeral but they would probably be burned. ( I have a really vendictive, petty family or ex family) This is my mother's family. I never knew my father's side of the family, so they are all I have ever grown up with, when my mom died I lost my best friend plus what I THOUGHT was my family.
Memaw
0
Replies
-
A little back ground: Last year when my mother was dying and I was taking care of her, her entire family (except for one of my aunts) turned against me and said I was doing it all wrong but didn't offer to help. Make a long story short, after mom passed away, I wrote a letter and sent it to my grandmothers house. I told her and everyone what I thought, but I didn't say anything mean or ugly, I just spoke the truth. Well, this made everyone even more mad at me as they can't handle the truth.
Foward to today: I got a call last night from my son and my aunt to tell me that my grandmother is on her death bed and anyone that wants to say thier good byes should go today but I am not allowed.
The problem is: I don't know how I should feel. They (the other aunts) didn't want me to know because they thought I would come up there and cause a scene. This is NOT my style. That is not the time nor the place for a scene and I am NOT a scene starter. I am not hurt that they feel this way, what I AM hurt about is all the other extended family members that are being told I am this horrible person which I am NOT, they are not being told how they treated me when mom was dying and I was trying to take care of everything with no help from the family. I also don't know if I should be sad that she is dying and should I feel guilty that I am NOT sad. Should I go to the funeral, which I have also been told I am not welcomed at. This is the only grandmother I have ever known. We used to be really close until my mom got sick and every thing just went down hill. So today my emotions are all out of whack. What do you guys think I should do? I just thought maybe I should just send flowers to the funeral but they would probably be burned. ( I have a really vendictive, petty family or ex family) This is my mother's family. I never knew my father's side of the family, so they are all I have ever grown up with, when my mom died I lost my best friend plus what I THOUGHT was my family.
Memaw0 -
I'm so sorry your having to deal with this
I think you need to try and talk to your Grandmother if you can and see if she wants you there. You are getting messages that have come through a few people and they may be putting there own spin on things. Do what you need to do and not what some Aunts think want.
Also if you want to go to the funeral go...people say all sorts of things and all you can do is prove them wrong by your actions. By going and not causeing a scene maybe some of your family will begin to see them for who they are and see the gossip as lies.0 -
Is your son allowed to see her? :frown:
Maybe write her a letter and tell her how much she meant to you growing up and the love you had for her. Take the high road. Will show you have more class then your aunts.
Sorry you're going through this. :brokenheart:0 -
Why can't we have families that get along like on tv? My mom is sick now and we are going to be going through some hard times as people deal with their emotions and try to place blame for their feelings onto others.
So I'm feeling for you at this time. You have my condolences on the loss of your mom. Now you have to deal with more stressful family stuff as you lose your grandmother.
If you want to go and see her before she goes I would go. If anyone says anything try to tell them as nicely as possible that you want to say good bye and that as her grandaughter you have the same right to do that as anyone else. That goes for the funeral too. This could be a time of healing if they let it. But unfortunately they may not. A sad choice for them to make.
Could your son go with you so you would at least have his support?
I'll be keeping you in my prayers as you go through this time.0 -
My only advise would be to try to make amends with your grandmother. Go see her and pay no mind to anyone else there. If you do not say goodbye to her you could regreat it later. If you do decide to go to the funeral just stay to yourself and sit in the back away from the rest of the family. :brokenheart: My heart breaks for you.0
-
oh wow. I'm so sorry you are going threw all this. I'm not sure I have any advice for as to what you should do. This something for you to decide.
I think you should be able to attend the funeral, only if it's what you really want to do. You shouldn't feel obligated to attend if you don't want to. Don't make a scene. Be the bigger and better person.
The family can't stop you from showing up and if they don't want a scene at the funeral, then they shouldn't confront you about you being there.
As far as saying good bye to your g-ma, only go if you feel the need to say goodbye. She is the only
g-ma you know. Maybe you can call her and ask her if she would'nt mind if you stopped by.
Things have a way of calming down after a period of time. Things may be different a few months down the road when tempers have been put out.
Best wishes0 -
I am going through something of the same sorts right now. It is hard. While I probably will not get the chance to see my Grandma before she passes, I fully intend to be at her funeral. It is my right and I don't want to look back and never have the chance again. I will say my goodbye in my own way and ignore all the drama surrounding for no apparent reason. Just make your choices to where you will have no personal regrets, you can't control anyone else so ignore them (easier said than done, I know) But the choices you have to make leave you no room for changing your mind later. Do what your heart is telling you to do. Good luck.0
-
Awww, Honey.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I would say do what you feel comfortable doing. Will it bother down the road that you didn't attend your grandmother's funeral? If so, you have every right to attend. If not, you could begin the healing process yourself, in your own home or someplace that feels healing to you, and in a way that feels healing and not hurtful to you.
It's sad that your family can't make amends, especially at a time like this. But honestly, if this is how they behave there's not a lot of communicating you could do with them anyway. It's still sad though, and no wonder you're confused about how you should be feeling. I certainly don't think it's your duty to enable their bad behavior though. Hugs, Memaw! 0 -
I'm afraid I can't call and talk to her. She is in the hospital and from what my good aunt tells me, she is just talking out of her head and not making any sense. So I am sure one of the other aunts would answer the phone and they would never let me talk to her. After all the hurtful mean things she said to me when my mom was dying, I'm not so sure I want to see her. I really don't have anything to apologize for and I have a clear conscience, I know I didn't do anything wrong and didn't say anything that wasn't the truth. She was just mad that I actually stood up to her and said what I said. No one in this family has ever stood up to her and confronted her. I am very sorry that the aunts/uncles are going through this right now as I know how hard it is to lose a parent, I lost both of mine in a span of 9 months.
I would never cause a scene at a funeral or anywhere else. I am NOT like that, I am very non-confrontational. I don't like drama.
I would just like to be able to pay my respects, she is still my grandmother.0 -
I'm afraid I can't call and talk to her. She is in the hospital and from what my good aunt tells me, she is just talking out of her head and not making any sense. So I am sure one of the other aunts would answer the phone and they would never let me talk to her. After all the hurtful mean things she said to me when my mom was dying, I'm not so sure I want to see her. I really don't have anything to apologize for and I have a clear conscience, I know I didn't do anything wrong and didn't say anything that wasn't the truth. She was just mad that I actually stood up to her and said what I said. No one in this family has ever stood up to her and confronted her. I am very sorry that the aunts/uncles are going through this right now as I know how hard it is to lose a parent, I lost both of mine in a span of 9 months.
I would never cause a scene at a funeral or anywhere else. I am NOT like that, I am very non-confrontational. I don't like drama.
I would just like to be able to pay my respects, she is still my grandmother.
You can always place some flowers at her gravesite after the funeral. She'll never know the difference. 0 -
I never thought of that. That's a good idea.I'm afraid I can't call and talk to her. She is in the hospital and from what my good aunt tells me, she is just talking out of her head and not making any sense. So I am sure one of the other aunts would answer the phone and they would never let me talk to her. After all the hurtful mean things she said to me when my mom was dying, I'm not so sure I want to see her. I really don't have anything to apologize for and I have a clear conscience, I know I didn't do anything wrong and didn't say anything that wasn't the truth. She was just mad that I actually stood up to her and said what I said. No one in this family has ever stood up to her and confronted her. I am very sorry that the aunts/uncles are going through this right now as I know how hard it is to lose a parent, I lost both of mine in a span of 9 months.
I would never cause a scene at a funeral or anywhere else. I am NOT like that, I am very non-confrontational. I don't like drama.
I would just like to be able to pay my respects, she is still my grandmother.
You can always place some flowers at her gravesite after the funeral. She'll never know the difference.0 -
Wow. I'm so sorry.
I agree with everyone that you should do what you need to do. I also agree that the message from your grandma that she doesn't want to see you could be skewed from other relatives. Even if she doesn't want to see you, what about your children and your grandchildren?
As for the funeral, if it helps you have closure and if you want to pay your respects I think you should go and just avoid all the relatives who probably want you to make a scene to confirm what they have been saying about you. Perhaps your husband could go with you for support?
Good luck. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.0 -
There is no happy answer to give you,it is a sad truth in life that wounds inflicted by family cut deeper and leave more painful scars then any others.
Your grandmother knew you for who you were in life so take heart in that,she isn`t likely by the sounds aware of anything.
:flowerforyou:0 -
I think you should do what YOU feel is right. Don't go because you think it's expected of you, don't stay away because you feel you're unwanted. If you feel like going and saying goodbye is right for you then do it, regardless of what anyone else says or does. If she is in a hospital, nobody can stop you from going in. go in, say goodbye and leave, don't talk to other family members. This should be about you and your feelings, if others want to cause a scene about you coming to say goodbye to your only grandmother, let them, who cares? Some people are so petty and ignorant. Just have to brush them off.0
-
Well Granny (that what we all called her) passed away this evening. My son called to tell me and so did my daughter, they both heard from other cousins. My aunt called and told me. I thought about sending flowers to the funeral home but knowing the family, they probably wouldn't let the funeral home display them. I will send my one aunt that I still talk to a condolence card and I think I will just shut that chapter in my life for good.
Thank you for all of your kind words and warm wishes.
Memaw0 -
So sorry for your loss. What a terrible experience to go through at such a difficult time! You seem to be handling it well, though.:flowerforyou: Maybe as someone said earlier, place some flowers on her grave later. My thoughts are with you. 0 -
:flowerforyou: my thoughts are with you
I will add this after reading all your indidivual postings here it's apparent to me that you will be alright.
here's a hug because we can all use one during this difficult time
0 -
I find it ironic that the person who takes on the caregiving of a sick parent, almost always turns into the villian in the family.
It happened to me and at least 2 friends I can think of off the top of my head. One friend was 20 or so when her dad became ill. She moved back home to take care of him, because her bro and sis were married with children. She cleaned house, made sure he had his meds, made sure he went to dr appts, fed and eventually cleaned him.
When he died he left his house to the other sister with kids.........she made my friend promptly move out. Then went on to tell her she wasnt all that great..........had just lived there for free rent!!
IMHO family members feel guilty because THEY didnt step up to the plate, and then take it out on the caregiver.
I am so sorry for your granny :flowerforyou:
May you have peace in your heart today:flowerforyou:0 -
I find it ironic that the person who takes on the caregiving of a sick parent, almost always turns into the villian in the family.
It happened to me and at least 2 friends I can think of off the top of my head. One friend was 20 or so when her dad became ill. She moved back home to take care of him, because her bro and sis were married with children. She cleaned house, made sure he had his meds, made sure he went to dr appts, fed and eventually cleaned him.
When he died he left his house to the other sister with kids.........she made my friend promptly move out. Then went on to tell her she wasnt all that great..........had just lived there for free rent!!
IMHO family members feel guilty because THEY didnt step up to the plate, and then take it out on the caregiver.
I am so sorry for your granny :flowerforyou:
May you have peace in your heart today:flowerforyou:
happened to my dad too when he took care of his parents for 9 years. i was a teen then and we all had a part in meal times, bed times, etc. his brother blamed my dad for them getting sick. they were in their mid 80's for gosh sakes! :grumble:
memaw, so sorry about this terrible situation. i hope you find peace in your heart and know that you will be ok. {hugs} 0 -
Memaw, I hope you find your way through this... if you ever need someone to talk to or just someone to listen to you... I AM HERE!!! <
right there! Sorry for your Grams
I know how this goes, because when my Grandfather had gotten sick my father (his son) and even my mother took the most care of him by far like 85-90% of the care and the other uncles and Aunts faught over everything... it sucked...
drives me crazy...
hang in there!0 -
Thanks everyone for all of your kind words. It's just really hard to accept that she is gone, especially since she has been really sick before and always recovered. While I'm sorry that they all just lost thier mom, I can't seem to be sad. Is that bad? I will take flowers to her grave at a later date. Right now I am still trying to get through the greif of losing my mom and my entire family less than a year ago. I'll be fine.
Thanks again, it really means a lot that so many of you care! My new MFP family!!!
Memaw:flowerforyou:0 -
Follow your heart, without malice, and you will know what to do...0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.8K Introduce Yourself
- 43.9K Getting Started
- 260.3K Health and Weight Loss
- 176K Food and Nutrition
- 47.5K Recipes
- 232.6K Fitness and Exercise
- 431 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.6K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153.1K Motivation and Support
- 8.1K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.4K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.8K MyFitnessPal Information
- 15 News and Announcements
- 1.2K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions