Conversation with my dad

Rbarragato
Rbarragato Posts: 15
edited October 2 in Motivation and Support
I've been MIA from here for a few weeks now due to power outages and some health issues going on. I went to a car show in Jersey with my boyfriend on Saturday and got a call from my dad yesterday. He saw the pictures from the car show on my facebook and told me I gained weight and that he thinks it's more mental than hormonal. I have been keeping to my diet, just not logging the way I should. I have high cortisol levels and I can go to the gym, work out and gain weight. My dad feels I am using this as an excuse. I know that isn't true because I go to the Dr quite often to get blood checked and meds altered. What hurt the most was my dad telling me I looked so much better a few years ago when I lost 65 pounds and that he THINKS I was probably happier. Maybe I was...but he isn't around to know that much. My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old so he has never been a large part of my life. I've always had these weight issues, and there have been many fights and conversations about my weight. Once I told him I gained weight after their divorce probably because I was eating emotionally and he told me "Well I didn't put the (expletive) spoon in your mouth" I asked him last night when he said these things to me if he was more concerned about my health or if he was embarrassed of how I looked...he told me both. I can't stop crying--this isn't the first time, but it hurts just as much every time. Maybe he was trying to light a fire under me to get me to do more about it, but it made me want to eat more...I used to go to the gym to prove to him that I could be the daughter he wants but now I want to do the exact opposite.
Furthermore, he told me in society it isn't okay to look like this. I don't understand why he's comparing me to societies standards--shouldn't he love me for what I am? I feel terrible and would love to hear other people's stories or just some advice as to what I should do. I'm so sad right now....Thank you

Replies

  • audram420
    audram420 Posts: 838 Member
    Well looking at your profile picture, I think you are beautiful!!! So sad your dad can't be more supportive, do you have more supportive people in your life? Friend me if you want...I'd love to support ya!!
  • Pandorian
    Pandorian Posts: 2,055 Member
    Don't let him under your skin, you said yourself he hasn't been around so what does his once in a blue moon opinion matter?

    Society has a lot more heavy people than it did 30 years ago if you believe all the reports, so if it's the norm.... not everyone can look like the cracked out movie starlets (nor should they want to)
    It's a matter of timing though, I recall reading that a potbelly on a guy was considered a sign of affluence...
  • bevskiwolf
    bevskiwolf Posts: 296 Member
    Make us your new family. We will lift you always, no matter what. You can pick your friends, but not your family. Don't even get me started on MY MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Hugs honey. Smile, be proud, keep doing what you're doing and come here every day.

    xoxo
  • suse56
    suse56 Posts: 30
    Wow, so sorry that your dad would treat you this way. He should love you unconditionally. It does not sound like he can support you. I would put some distance between the two of you. He does not know how to support and motivate. You need to do this for you and no one else. It is about your health and not to impress anyone. If he feels ashamed he should stay away.
    It just does not sound like a healthy relationship for you right now.
    We are all here to support you and your efforts to get healthy.
    take care,
    suse
  • ebbward
    ebbward Posts: 7
    it's your weight, and it's your choice.
    ignore what others say. if you feel unhappy the weight you are, then you should make an effort to change it. if you are happy, then enjoy being happy and being the way you are!

    it doesn't matter why your dad is concerned about your weight. he's not a doctor so he can't tell you whats healthy and what's not. if your doctor says you are okay, then thats fine. but if it's the embarassment thing? gosh. don't sweat it honey.

    do what you feel you need to do. do what you need to do to feel happy - and if losing weight is the way forward, i wish you luck! if you are happy as you are - then good for you. you probably look great as it is :D
  • Movingonforbetter
    Movingonforbetter Posts: 75
    My mom sometimes is the same way. Thinking I should be a certain size. I think your dad should love you and support you for who you are. I would maybe tell him how hurt you are..........might help.
    I can understand where you are comming from completly.
    Cheer up, you are you and that is special!
    Feel free to add me if you wish if you want to chat more.
    Good luck
  • lisab42
    lisab42 Posts: 98 Member
    Oh Sweetie, my story is far too long to put on here but let me say it involves a father and grandmother that sounded a lot like yours. Took me thirty some odd years to learn the biggest life lesson that I will pass on to you quite quickly to try to spare you the pain. Stop living for your father's (or anyone else's for that matter) approval Sweetie. You're in control of how you allow other people to treat you. Set up some ground rules and boundaries. And if he can't respect them, screw him. You're an adult and in control, treat yourself that way. You're a strong woman, now it's time to behave like one.

    All the best,

    Lisa
  • TakeOne
    TakeOne Posts: 345 Member
    {{{HUGS}}} I'm really sorry to hear all of those hurtful comments that your dad has said and is continuing to say to you! No one has a right to say things like that to anyone, doesn't matter if it's your father or not. Please know that people tend to say such hurtful things when they don't feel so great about themselves. It seems that folks just want to bring people down with them I guess.. I know this is your dad, but it sounds like you may need to take a step away from all that negativity and really surround yourself with folks who want to support you and bring you positive energy :) Again, I'm sorry you had (and have had) such a rotten conversation with your dad. He loves you, but sometimes people just have a really funny way of showing it. And really I bet he's not feeling so fantastic about himself! Either way, you don't deserve to be talked to like that. Keep your head up girl :)
  • NuttyBrewnette
    NuttyBrewnette Posts: 417 Member
    I'm sorry. :cry: : and sending you a virtual hug.

    Amazing how insensitive people can be.

    Do NOT let him get to you. This journey, it's YOURS. You take it, and you live your life however you want too. If YOU want to change something, then go for it. If YOU don't, then don't.

    It'd be great if our family members were supportive and our biggest cheerleaders. Sadly, that is not usually the case, especially when we are trying to make changes. Find other supportive people-friends, mfp'ers, co-workers, neighbors, others....and don't look to your dad for support and encouragement-it ain't gonna happen. Sorry, but that's the truth. Don't let him keep you down...

    Also, you are beautiful. This insensitivity is about him and his issues, it's got little to do with you. Try to remember that.
  • MickeyEstes
    MickeyEstes Posts: 19 Member
    Misery loves company. It sounds to me like your dad is miserable and wants to make everyone that way. I HAD a sister that did me the same way. Sad to say I had to cut ties with her because no matter what I did it was never "good enough" I know it hurts, but you have to do this for YOU, not for anyone else.. Friend me if you want, I'll support you as best I can!
  • tubby07
    tubby07 Posts: 18
    keep your chin up love and ignore peoples comments,although i know its hard some times hope your ok now x
  • CatMauro
    CatMauro Posts: 225 Member
    Big hug!!!! It is ****ty when the people we care about, and who are supposed to care about us, let us down as your father obviously has. There are some people who just don't get it and believe that how we behave or look or feel is a representation of who they are. This is a selfish belief. I know that no amount of encouragement or attempts to cheer you from our end can replace a positive word from a parent or loved one who gives few of them. I've seen many friends drive themselves crazy trying to do just that their entire lives. What I will say is this though: No matter what ANYONE feels about you, your life, your body or anything else, at the end of the day the only person that matters is you. Are you happy? Are you healthy? Are you doing everything you can in order to be at least one of those things but preferably both? Keep moving forward with your healthy lifestyle and when you are all sexy and skinny you can tell him to kiss you skinny *kitten* and that you did it all on your own, just as you have the rest of your life.

    I will leave you with my favorite line (usually reserved for ****ty ex's): Don't waste the pritty :) Now get out there and do something active that will make you feel awesome!
  • Cinnamonie
    Cinnamonie Posts: 138
    You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. Just because he's your 'dad' in title doesn't mean he's your 'dad' for you, unfortunately. I know personally, that you can't just brush what family says off your shoulder so easily. It's family. You always seek their approval, and for whatever reason, their opinions matter. A lot.

    What I CAN say is that as you grow into YOU more and more, and include more and more people around you into your surrogate family (MFP is a great place to start), that there will be enough people around you to validate YOU-who you are, how you look, how you act, your opinions and values-that his opinion will matter less and less.

    Everything you brought up to counter what he said is completely true, and it speaks volumes that you CAN counter that without just completely crumbling and absorbing what he said as the truth. It shows you are who you are independent of him and what he says.

    You are beautiful and independent. You have your own journey to make, and he is not on that journey with you. Do your best to stay strong without him. Feel free to add me, I can completely empathize with you and I (and other MFPers) will be on your team when he isn't.
  • trelm249
    trelm249 Posts: 777 Member
    Do it for you. Your dad is an @$$ and you won't get him to change. My parents split when I was about the same age as you, I understand the head case that follows that.

    Let it go and take care of yourself.
  • sjtreely
    sjtreely Posts: 1,014 Member
    Wow. Lots of issues. The one that stood out most to me is your comment of going to the gym to prove you could be the daughter he wants you to be. If I were you, I'd focus on becoming the person YOU want to be. It isn't until that happens that you'll be happy - no matter what the scales read.

    With all that's been said in your replies, I'll try to give Dad some slack - hard as it may be. Some people, for whatever reason, just don't know how to express love. Along with some not knowing how to do that, some people react differently to different methods. Some need tough love. Some need a shoulder. Some need an arm around them. Most need a combination. I think you did well in confronting him about his remarks. Good for you! Tell him the type of motivation you respond best to. If he's not capable of understanding how you operate, then tell him that conversations about your weight are no longer welcome. And stick to it. It's your life. There are going to be people all the time who try to bring you down. It just kind of suck it's Dad. Sorry. However, how you react to the criticism is what matters. Decide how you're going to react and be true to yourself.
  • cupotee
    cupotee Posts: 181 Member
    I think dads just have trouble conveying their emotions. We're in the same boat (divorced parents, fathers not around much).

    Once at a dinner with like 15 other ppl at the table, someone commented that I looked so pretty. My dad was like, noo omfg she gained so much weight. He made me stand up and turn around so he could indicate just how fat my waist was. I think the ppl at the table were just as embarassed as me haha. I weighed 100lbs and was 14 at the time and I still remember how horrible it was. But he's only looking out for me. Your dad prolly just wants to make sure you're doing something about the weight. Let him know all your efforts (eg, gym, MFP)
  • LMorrison1009
    LMorrison1009 Posts: 114 Member
    I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is hard when the people we care about don't seem to care about us the way they should... I think your profile picture is beautiful, and if your dad can't see your beauty, its a flaw in him. Not in you. If it were me, I probably would have ended that conversation differently... Maybe telling him it was an embarrassment for YOU growing up without a dad...
  • Seagazer
    Seagazer Posts: 66
    i don't have anything helpful to say that hasn't already been said, but I couldn't just view this and not comment, so I'm sending you hugs, all the way from North Yorkshire, and hoping that the replies you have had will give you strength and comfort.
  • meliturtlee
    meliturtlee Posts: 81
    Oh goodness. all that comes to mind is to just keep your head up. Your journey is for you, not your dad. It sucks that people have no filter. Well I, along with everyone else is rooting for you to reach your goals, so keep pushing, because we all know you can, most importantly, I know you know you can too :)
  • Rbarragato
    Rbarragato Posts: 15
    I'm amazingly overwhelmed with all of your kind words and encouragement. Luckily I have an amazingly supportive mother. My dad used to say the same things to her--she's 5'3 at 105 lbs. She said nothing felt better after the divorce than to be able to sit and eat a salami sandwich without being called a fat pig. I have tried in the past to cut off all ties with my dad but it's so difficult because I feel bad for him. He has gone through two marriages and has 3 kids that want nothing to do with him. It's hard to feel good about yourself when a part of your support system only likes you when you are thin. I've lost 65 lbs before I was diagnosed with a few hormonal issues.
    Ive learned I have support in other places than family after getting friend requests from many of oh with kind words. I got what I was looking for--motivation, support, and proof that I'm not playing the victim card. Thank you all so much
  • Banana9246
    Banana9246 Posts: 4 Member
    Have you ever read the book "Women Food and God" by Geneen Roth? It's an amazing book that talks about why we overeat and how it's so much NOT about the food but how we were raised, the struggles in our lives, and how our eating is a complete mirror image of how we approach our lives. Its fantastic and I have found it to be very helpful. I don't recommend it for the purpose of telling you you need to lose weight...but rather to help you accept yourself for who you are and to recognize that others' opinions matter very little compared to your opinion of yourself. I'm guessing that your dad's influence has had only negative affects on your self-esteem. You are beautiful and deserve to be content with yourself..no matter what size you are. I highly recommend the book. I have read it 3-4 times over the last few months because every page really speaks to me and reminds me of what is important. Good Luck!
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