I need an unbiased opinion please :/

MrsFarrow
MrsFarrow Posts: 326 Member
edited October 2 in Chit-Chat
I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. This seems like an odd request, but if someone could message me, I'd like some third party opinions on my communication style. My husband and I are constantly arguing it seems, and I'm really beginning to think that it isn't as much me as I thought. We just had a spat via text, and I feel like I'm in the twilight zone because of how quickly it shifted gears.

Replies

  • catwrangler
    catwrangler Posts: 918 Member
    No texting! I have this problem with my boss, she prefers texting but she never understands my meaning in a text. Best to do things face to face.
  • Charger440
    Charger440 Posts: 1,474 Member
    It may not help you much but in order to keep the peace I mainly just let her do what she wants. I'm not saying she's spoiled I'm just saying that very few things in life are really worth arguing about so I just let things go a lot. Now if I have an opinion I think really matters she WILL know my opinion but mostly I just go with the flow. Hope that is of some help to you.
  • karena7
    karena7 Posts: 7 Member
    I will just share what someone once told me about speaking to my husband or anyone. Never say anything if it is not loving, necessary AND true. Do Not say anything that is judging, accusing, or blaming (Jab). She also told me that when we had a talk to only stick with the subject, do not bring up the past, keep my voice soft. I also learned to let him have his opinion and not try to change it. I learned to say "you have a right to your opinion or you could be right". These changes did not come over night but with a LOT of practice. Sure kept a lot of peace in our household. I wish you well!!!
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
    The internet is a horrible place to communicate for anything other than "buy bread on the way home". It does not convey emotions, sarcasm or sincerety, all of which are crucial for effective communication.
    Technology can bring us together, but often it pushes people apart.
    You should talk in person or of needed on the phone.
    Best of luck to you.
  • cba4994
    cba4994 Posts: 147 Member
    Don't stop reading thsi the minute you read the next few words, but have you ever considered couples counseling. It was our last step before divorce and has saved our family. It sounds like you may be at the point we were where you needed a third party to 'translate" to each person. Sometimes when there has been so much fighting, pain....whatever.....you don't clearly hear what the other person is trying to say. Good luck and you may need to try a few people befoe you find one that you both feel comfortable with. I thought my husband would never go to one until he realized that I was seriously heading for a lawyer and just last week he recommended a co-worker consider seeing one.
  • calibri
    calibri Posts: 439 Member
    I love texting: there's a written record of everything!
  • pokyfamily
    pokyfamily Posts: 20
    The advice of Karena7 is great. Especially about the part of letting the man have his opinion. You so often see in a couple that one gives in all the time. Charger440's wife is probably missing out on his intellect and choices. Respect is very important. The first year of marriage is the hardest. Never try to be the winner. No one wins when there is no peace. Don't go to anger...try to understand first.
  • philsy1
    philsy1 Posts: 104 Member
    I certainly applaud your array of efforts toward self improvement. However, I wonder if all the rapid-fire changes have produced some stress in the relationship. Quitting smoking is terrific, but I know from personal experience that it often produces tension, irritability and occasional sniping. Change is, in itself, stressful, but within the context of relationships, it can raise issues of "Am I expected to match change for change" or "what's coming next? I may be offbase here but it's worth considering whether both parties have bought into the changes. Best of luck!
  • MrsFarrow
    MrsFarrow Posts: 326 Member
    I will just share what someone once told me about speaking to my husband or anyone. Never say anything if it is not loving, necessary AND true. Do Not say anything that is judging, accusing, or blaming (Jab). She also told me that when we had a talk to only stick with the subject, do not bring up the past, keep my voice soft. I also learned to let him have his opinion and not try to change it. I learned to say "you have a right to your opinion or you could be right". These changes did not come over night but with a LOT of practice. Sure kept a lot of peace in our household. I wish you well!!!

    My issue is I'm always the one that is "wrong", whether I'm right or not. I'm always getting blame placed, yet when he does the EXACT same thing, he's fine. I get sick, AND GO TO WORK by the way, and I get "YOU'RE ALWAYS SICK GOOD GOD WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!" When he gets sick, which is often, I'm expected to cater to his every whim. WHICH I would if he would give a couple more sh*ts about me when I was legitimately ill (which rarely happens). I know we need therapy, and my insurance kicks in October 1 and you better believe that'll be the FIRST call I make. I'm just tired of ALWAYS having to be the bigger man, if that makes any sense.
  • MrsFarrow
    MrsFarrow Posts: 326 Member
    Also, I quit smoking over 3 months ago and had no issues. That would be rough if I had though!
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
    Was he always like this. He may have other issues he isn't expressing. My wife got overly upset about some things until she realized that it wasn't the same as what she was really worried about.
  • MrsFarrow
    MrsFarrow Posts: 326 Member
    That's the issue though. I have no idea. He was always a little on the strong willed side, but it seems like his will is getting stronger, but not in a good way. It's a lot of verbal kicking and screaming anymore. And god forbid I talk to him about it, because I get this typical response "Ok so I'm ________________ that's awesome. That's great that I'm/a _______________. Anything else you want to say about me?"

    I can't even use the "When you do ___________ it makes me feel like ____________." because I get "Oh so all I do is _________" or "So all I ever make you feel is ______________ awesome."

    I feel like slamming my head against a brick wall sometimes.
  • GageG
    GageG Posts: 12
    Try reading the book "Crucial conversations" it is the best book I have ever read on communication. It is very popular with business and sales groups but my wife and I have also read it and use its techniques in our marriage and with our children. Good luck, this is a difficult situation but it is possible to overcome communication difficulties.
  • MrsFarrow
    MrsFarrow Posts: 326 Member
    It's legitimately gotten to the point that I don't know whether to laugh or cry half the time. I'm leaning towards laughing because I'm on so much medication I don't think I could cry if I wanted to anymore. And that's sad, but it's the only thing that keeps me level headed enough to continue.
  • Speedy89
    Speedy89 Posts: 64
    I don't think this is the best place to get that kind of advice. Go to your friends for emotional support, go to a professional, with a demonstrated track record for helping people, for advice.
  • MrsFarrow
    MrsFarrow Posts: 326 Member
    While I value your advice Hiyer, I will take your advice and not take your advice since this is not some place with a proven track record ;)

    Kidding, my friends are all flighty as crap and no help. Plus friends always side with who they like best, we all know that. We are going to a professional beginning in October. I'm just looking more for "Am I making *****y comments and inciting arguments" as a starting point. Thanks though!!!!
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
    Kidding, my friends are all flighty as crap and no help. Plus friends always side with who they like best, we all know that. We are going to a professional beginning in October. I'm just looking more for "Am I making *****y comments and inciting arguments" as a starting point. Thanks though!!!!

    It's so awesome that you recognize this!! Friends can be the biggest liability in a relationship...for exactly the reason you stated.

    Your husband is quite lucky hun. Hopefully you guys work things out.
  • routerguy666
    routerguy666 Posts: 188
    That's the issue though. I have no idea. He was always a little on the strong willed side, but it seems like his will is getting stronger, but not in a good way. It's a lot of verbal kicking and screaming anymore. And god forbid I talk to him about it, because I get this typical response "Ok so I'm ________________ that's awesome. That's great that I'm/a _______________. Anything else you want to say about me?"

    I can't even use the "When you do ___________ it makes me feel like ____________." because I get "Oh so all I do is _________" or "So all I ever make you feel is ______________ awesome."

    I feel like slamming my head against a brick wall sometimes.

    If you can't talk to each other (as in 'listen and understand'), go see a counselor. Might help to have a ref. If that doesn't work, lawyer up.
  • lkmedrano
    lkmedrano Posts: 7
    All marriages go thru periods of constant bidkering and fighting. Sometimes or a lot of times, it's either
    money worries or each side does not feel appreciated. I make it a point to compliment my husband
    on 1 thing eveery day. Try it, you'd be amazed how far that can go. I have been married 22 years so
    I have tried many approaches and such to alleiate stress in our marriage at different periods. I find
    small thanks and compliments go much farther than laying blame and stewing. Of course prayer
    helps always as well.

    Good luck........
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
    Please get counseling. If he won't go to couples counseling, go on your own. It's hard to say exactly what's going on without a running log of specific instances, and a therapist is best equipped to help you work through that.
  • Emalyn
    Emalyn Posts: 60
    I see exactly where you're coming from. My ex bf was exactly like that, and I couldn't stand it. It was always me that got blamed for things or that had the "wrong" opinion. And they never like it when you have a different opinion than theirs and they can't change it. I really feel for you, I hope you do get that help in October and that it DOES help, because it's sucky to be in a relationship where everything is miserable and you don't feel like you can talk to them because you only end up with crap or the dreaded "past" thrown in your face. Text is really hard, too. I broke up with my boyfriend after we had a fight over text. He said some awful things, and I didn't always answer, which made him madder. When I told him how upset I was about the things he said, he didn't seem to care, and actually admitted to being glad that I was effected that way by his words. Text is powerful, it's still words...but you can read them over and over and they always hurt. I hope you two can figure it out! You sound like such an intelligent woman, and I hope he realizes that and stops blaming everything on you, honey!! <3
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