Extremely Ashamed of Myself
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honkinballs
Posts: 34 Member
Before I go on with the pity party, if you want to skip that part of this post just skip to the last paragraph.
I am ashamed of how far I've fallen and I can't seem to get my "mojo" back. Three years ago, I had a success story turn failure very quick.
The good: Up to that point I has been working on myself and went from 330 to 210 for two or so years. I was active in CrossFit and enjoying thise benefits of a healthy life vs what I'm suffering through now with typical obesity problems.
The bad: I was in a bad state of mind. Despite the huge success I was already achieving, it wasn't goal weight and I was stuck on a plateaue. I was in a soul crushing corporate job I hated. I was going trough Chapter 7 bankruptcy. With my new found confidence I tried my luck with dating but women still wanted nothing to do with me. After asking strangers online (you ask friends and family, they will always be supportive and I wanted a raw answer) I was told it didn't matter how much I'd lose that I was too ugly anyway. All of this was happening basically at once.
I got to a dark place where I was on the verge of finishing my shift one day and going home to kill myself. Thankfully I had the sense to drive to my doctor and tell them my intentions.
They put me on antidepressants and, at that time, it worked. But it also messed with my head. Made me feel like a "zombie". I felt like I was having some kind if lobotomy happening. Somehow in this haze I pulled through the bankruptcy and landed a job in a field I love, so much so I am looking to go back to college and get a degree in that field.
I've got the CrossFit subscription. I've got my old mealplans on here. But for the life of me I just can't start again. I desperately need to get back to it as I'm back in the 300's but I just... Can't. I don't know what to do. I know people in my life who hate me just for being fat again because I failed so hard. I'm not getting any younger and I'll only see more health problems in the future with obesity. But I just can't get myself in to it!
I am ashamed of how far I've fallen and I can't seem to get my "mojo" back. Three years ago, I had a success story turn failure very quick.
The good: Up to that point I has been working on myself and went from 330 to 210 for two or so years. I was active in CrossFit and enjoying thise benefits of a healthy life vs what I'm suffering through now with typical obesity problems.
The bad: I was in a bad state of mind. Despite the huge success I was already achieving, it wasn't goal weight and I was stuck on a plateaue. I was in a soul crushing corporate job I hated. I was going trough Chapter 7 bankruptcy. With my new found confidence I tried my luck with dating but women still wanted nothing to do with me. After asking strangers online (you ask friends and family, they will always be supportive and I wanted a raw answer) I was told it didn't matter how much I'd lose that I was too ugly anyway. All of this was happening basically at once.
I got to a dark place where I was on the verge of finishing my shift one day and going home to kill myself. Thankfully I had the sense to drive to my doctor and tell them my intentions.
They put me on antidepressants and, at that time, it worked. But it also messed with my head. Made me feel like a "zombie". I felt like I was having some kind if lobotomy happening. Somehow in this haze I pulled through the bankruptcy and landed a job in a field I love, so much so I am looking to go back to college and get a degree in that field.
I've got the CrossFit subscription. I've got my old mealplans on here. But for the life of me I just can't start again. I desperately need to get back to it as I'm back in the 300's but I just... Can't. I don't know what to do. I know people in my life who hate me just for being fat again because I failed so hard. I'm not getting any younger and I'll only see more health problems in the future with obesity. But I just can't get myself in to it!
23
Replies
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Sometimes, words and emoticons are not enough. You know the way. Connection matters. Thanks for sharing your heart.
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This is going to sound really flippant and dumb, but have you ever downloaded the app Headspace? You can use enough of it for free to get you started.
I don't follow the meditations properly, I tend to use them to drift off to sleep (really not what they're for), but the male voice is the co-founder, who used to be a monk, and he's got a really calming way of speaking.
Sometimes when I'm aware I'm getting towards a bad place, I try to use Headspace for a bit to try and calm myself down. Weight loss is more of a mental battle than a physical one - you need to admit to yourself that you've reached rock bottom (again) and then to work at finding the mental clarity you need to address it again. Listening to a calming voice can be a useful tool in finding that clarity, but it has to come from inside you.
Your post is full of other people's judgement, but you know what? This isn't about them. You have to want to lose weight for you. You have to decide that actually, you're worth it. You're important. You deserve to be healthy and happy and put yourself first and make sure you lose that weight and become that person you secretly want to be. It's not about anyone else. It's about you.
Did you really fail before, or did you try to lose weight without finding that moment of clarity? Were you losing on autopilot because society expected you to or were you losing weight because you knew you mattered? If I had to guess (but only you know the answer, I'd say the former. Plus, you've been through an awful lot, and most of us on this site know what it's like to use food as a coping mechanism. Sometimes life is just so damn *kitten*, you lose focus and fall back into old, bad habits.
But you're here now. You've admitted you're not happy. That's a big step. You should feel proud of that. It means you're so close to finding that mojo you talk about, that internal drive to really go for it.
I suggest the next step is to start reflecting on how important you are, and your why. You talk about wanting to prevent future health issues, but not in a way that makes me believe you really care what happens to you. Spend some more time reflecting and find your motivation. Maybe you just need to care more about what happens to you, and then health will be your driver.
I promise, your motivation is there, somewhere, and you're close to grasping it.
The opinion of strangers really doesn't matter - but this stranger thinks your post was incredibly brave, and that you are capable of losing the weight. I hope you can find it in yourself to believe the same thing about yourself. You're brave, you're strong and you can do this.9 -
Antidepressants and other medications prescribed for mental health management are often best taken in conjunction with talk therapy.
Hopefully you have discussed this with your healthcare team or have plans to do so.
I bring it up because you are going through some BIG life transitions but don't seem to leverage healthy supports you can trust (going to the Interwebs for "raw" answers isn't gonna ever work out in a helpful way for anyone).
Assuming they aren't all toxic, your friends and family are, in fact, often a good source of healthy feedback.
Heck, these forums are filled with great folks too (see above, for example).
Glad you're back to rebuild your personal life puzzle, as it were: the only missing piece (imo), is exploring the talk therapy.
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Take heart. No human undertaking tracks on a straight line. Read this board regularly and you’ll see that your experience is not uncommon. What to do?
Start again. But better. You don’t say but did you count calories and keep a food diary last time? It works. There’s a learning curve but there are big benefits.
And in addition to weight loss there are mental benefits. The purpose of a food diary is to invent a process where the byproduct is weight loss. If you have control of the process the result you’re looking for is just a matter of time. Fact is that we live a physical universe that has certain limits. We can’t snap our fingers and magically be at goal weight. But having control of your process can be a big relief and very liberating.
Another benefit I found is that when I was focused on the day to day of planning, number crunching, food prep, logging and problem solving I was distracted from the bothersome noise in my own head. Like I said, a big relief. Try full on food diary calorie counting. It works. Good luck.3 -
First, stop shaming yourself, it’s a vicious spiral. Think about how far you have come, you found the strength to start getting help for your depression, pull yourself through bankruptcy and find a career you love. Those are huge accomplishments. We are not our weight, fat does not define who you are. You are a successful man who’s been through hard times and learned more about who he is as a result.
Second, weight loss is ultimately about consistency. Maybe right now their whole all in with CrossFit and meal plans is just too much right now. Can you start to form smaller healthy habits to get you going. Here are some ideas I have
1. Start with your breakfast, how can you change that one meal to make it more healthy and less caloric?
2. Can you go to crossfit just once a week!
3. Can you get up a few minutes earlier and spend some time visualizing a successful day for yourself
4. Go for a walk at lunch
Pick any one thing to start with that correlates to your health goals, do it until it’s normal and then add another thing. Over time the healthy habits will start to outweigh less then healthy ones. You can do this, and be kind to yourself8 -
Hey man, i ve sent u a friend request. I d love to help u eat foods that u ll like and still lose weight. I can also help with motivation and whatever u need to help u through. It would be my honor. DM me for anything and we can take it from there. Nothing is impossible!3
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My friend, I felt so much sympathy when I read your post. Life is not a flat, easy journey. There are so many ups and downs that sometimes a person just wants to jump off of it. But you are still here, and that I think that is brave and positive. Keep on fighting. Fighting is different for everyone. For me, fighting has looked different at different points in my life. Right now, it's to really work on self love and honoring my body and limits, to reframe my state of mind, to reconsider what being successful means. May you find your light!4
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Feeling the panda's advice above mate. You know the deal, this is like pushing a car - pretty hard to get going but once momentum is there then it is easier. Watch Rocky movies (not 6), Michael Jordan highlights, order some new workout gear - anything that is gonna inspire you just a bit. Then crack on with it. You are a good looking fella, bet you $20 you could get a girl if your head was up high.
Start small and build it up like Panda says
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Baby steps - you do not have to be perfect at everything on day 1.
Start logging your food/beverages. Without even making changes to how or how much you're eating. Get in the habit of tracking it. Then set MFP to lose 1 pound per week, which should give you a pretty generous calorie allotment, and make adjustments to your intake to fit that goal. I realize you could probably go for a bigger loss rate, but getting into the habit of a slight deficit will be less of an adjustment. Then after a few weeks of that, consider whether or not you want to change your calorie goal. And ultimately, look for ways to increase your activity/exercise.
1. Logging everything (its about being accountable to yourself, not making changes)
2. Set up MFP for 1 pound weight loss and stick to your calorie goal
3. Increase exercise/activity gradually
4. Adjust as needed
Take as long as you need at each stage. A few days, a couple of weeks. You decide.
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Thank you for sharing, it mustn't be easy to share your darkest thoughts.
Everyone has given really amazing advice and support. But I'm hoping I could shed light on the antidepressants. (You didnt say if you still take them?) On the assumption you do, it could just be the one they gave you want the right one for you..
I had postnatal depression and it was pretty horrific, it changed everything about me.
The first antidepressant (SSRIs) they gave me was Sertraline, the highest dose, and it made no difference. So I went back and they gave me Citalopram, at the lowest dose, and they were too strong, they made me feel wired and i was jaw clenching constantly, went back again and got Fluoxetine and these worked completely fine. Like sorted me right out.
But, when I finally got better after a few years, they started to make me feel a bit, numb, to everything, but i WANTED to feel things. And when you feel like that.. you're ready for weaning off, as long as your doctor agrees too!
All the above medications are SSRIs but there's a different kind of antidepressant too, but im not sure what they're called, youre doctor would know.
So if you're still struggling in that aspect, try your doctor to try a different tablet.
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As someone who never seemed successful at keeping weight off, I empathize so much. I put on some of the weight I had lost, thanks to being home more with the Covid 19 situation. Not quite motivated to lose it again, BUT I have the reminder that I WAS SUCCESSFUL BEFORE so I know I am capable again. Remind yourself of this and make one small change. Tracking what I eat (again) helps me to see how quickly I can add up those calories w/o thinking about it. It's an eye opener and it's a start. Start small and tell yourself you will and you can do this again.1
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honkinballs wrote: »Before I go on with the pity party, if you want to skip that part of this post just skip to the last paragraph.
I am ashamed of how far I've fallen and I can't seem to get my "mojo" back. Three years ago, I had a success story turn failure very quick.
The good: Up to that point I has been working on myself and went from 330 to 210 for two or so years. I was active in CrossFit and enjoying thise benefits of a healthy life vs what I'm suffering through now with typical obesity problems.
The bad: I was in a bad state of mind. Despite the huge success I was already achieving, it wasn't goal weight and I was stuck on a plateaue. I was in a soul crushing corporate job I hated. I was going trough Chapter 7 bankruptcy. With my new found confidence I tried my luck with dating but women still wanted nothing to do with me. After asking strangers online (you ask friends and family, they will always be supportive and I wanted a raw answer) I was told it didn't matter how much I'd lose that I was too ugly anyway. All of this was happening basically at once.
I got to a dark place where I was on the verge of finishing my shift one day and going home to kill myself. Thankfully I had the sense to drive to my doctor and tell them my intentions.
They put me on antidepressants and, at that time, it worked. But it also messed with my head. Made me feel like a "zombie". I felt like I was having some kind if lobotomy happening. Somehow in this haze I pulled through the bankruptcy and landed a job in a field I love, so much so I am looking to go back to college and get a degree in that field.
I've got the CrossFit subscription. I've got my old mealplans on here. But for the life of me I just can't start again. I desperately need to get back to it as I'm back in the 300's but I just... Can't. I don't know what to do. I know people in my life who hate me just for being fat again because I failed so hard. I'm not getting any younger and I'll only see more health problems in the future with obesity. But I just can't get myself in to it!
Many MANY of us on here know exactly what it’s like to lose our mojo. It all goes fine until suddenly it doesn’t. And I know in my case I have absolutely no real excuses. You certainly do. So there’s absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of. Frustrated, absolutely, but not ashamed.
I see so much impressive in your post. You lost a bunch of weight (we all know that takes focus and commitment). You got fit. You had the grit to get through a bankruptcy and to find a job you love.
I don’t know which strangers you asked online but I suspect your depression colored your version of the story that people told you that you’re too ugly for dating. Your profile pic (if it’s you) shows a perfectly normal looking person. Not disbelieving that one hateful person on the internet said something mean but I’m pretty sure you didn’t find a bunch of strangers who gave you that opinion. Neither your weight or your looks are a real barrier to finding love - your low self esteem may well be.
Do people really hate you for getting fat? People who really care about you may hate that you have put on weight and your health is suffering but I am sure they don’t hate you. And anyone who does hate you would be pleased to see you fail.
The trouble is all my arguments are logical and I know you might not be in a place where you’re ready to listen to logic right now.
Be kind to yourself. I wish you well and hope you can value yourself enough to start making healthy changes.
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Oh I wanted to add, I don't think you're ugly. But maybe usernames like "honkinballs" might not be doing you any favours lmao! (I mean this as a joke I hope you don't get offended lol)3
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I too struggle with self love and self confidence. I completely empathize with how you feel. It’s difficult to be motivated when you feel as though you’re not worth it.
I decided to let myself feel whatever I was feeling, inside of pushing it away. I’ve been trying to focus on short term goals and just the single day ahead. I’ve been active on MFP for 30 days now, (this time), and I am feeling ok with my progress. I still have a long ways to go, but maybe the time it takes will allow me to also work on my mental health.
Also. *kitten* other people and their shallow view of worth. This is for you, not them.
*edited by a MFP volunteer moderator0 -
What your family and friends said about not even trying because you are too ugly is terrible sad.
Sometimes you have to block the opinions and comments of those around us to keep our mental health in check( I know it's easier said than done).
But truth be told life will always happen but you always gotta push and have hope for tommorow.
Every life is worth it. Even if we don't feel like we are living the life we want to live .Guess what you just have today. Make today wether you have what you crabe or not. Make today beautiful and happy so that tommorow you will look at your past with peace.
I say it if you did it once you can do it again. And just because 1000 people rejected you does not mean 1001 will.
God gave life. He gives Hope and.strenght.
All the best! and someday you will be at a happy place.0 -
honkinballs wrote: »Before I go on with the pity party, if you want to skip that part of this post just skip to the last paragraph.
I am ashamed of how far I've fallen and I can't seem to get my "mojo" back. Three years ago, I had a success story turn failure very quick.
The good: Up to that point I has been working on myself and went from 330 to 210 for two or so years. I was active in CrossFit and enjoying thise benefits of a healthy life vs what I'm suffering through now with typical obesity problems.
The bad: I was in a bad state of mind. Despite the huge success I was already achieving, it wasn't goal weight and I was stuck on a plateaue. I was in a soul crushing corporate job I hated. I was going trough Chapter 7 bankruptcy. With my new found confidence I tried my luck with dating but women still wanted nothing to do with me. After asking strangers online (you ask friends and family, they will always be supportive and I wanted a raw answer) I was told it didn't matter how much I'd lose that I was too ugly anyway. All of this was happening basically at once.
I got to a dark place where I was on the verge of finishing my shift one day and going home to kill myself. Thankfully I had the sense to drive to my doctor and tell them my intentions.
They put me on antidepressants and, at that time, it worked. But it also messed with my head. Made me feel like a "zombie". I felt like I was having some kind if lobotomy happening. Somehow in this haze I pulled through the bankruptcy and landed a job in a field I love, so much so I am looking to go back to college and get a degree in that field.
I've got the CrossFit subscription. I've got my old mealplans on here. But for the life of me I just can't start again. I desperately need to get back to it as I'm back in the 300's but I just... Can't. I don't know what to do. I know people in my life who hate me just for being fat again because I failed so hard. I'm not getting any younger and I'll only see more health problems in the future with obesity. But I just can't get myself in to it!
I think you should be proud of yourself. You’re sharing the deepest parts of your soul and you’re reaching out for help. I think it’s a great start. Little steps daily create long term big differences. Reach out anytime you need to talk. You got this0
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