New and SUPER excited!

I've been using MFP for five days (today 9-7-11 being the 5th day) and I love it! This is my first time entering the community because I'm not really a person who shares everything. I've been reading several inspirational and motivating stories and I'm just shocked by how open, accepting, and supportive this community is! I thought that I'd be doing this alone but to see so many other people going through the same struggle as me... to see all these big people turning smaller and healthier and none of them are being made fun of or ridiculed. I LOVE IT!

Here's a brief of my story: I am 21 years old and when I started the site I was 330 pounds. (I gained three pounds by the second day but probably because I ate like I normally do on day 1.) I had a difficult childhood and turned to food in hopes that it would stop reason behind the pain. I became an emotional eater (eating when I was sad, or angry or even happy), food was my friend. As the pain continued I became a secretive eater as well. I would sneak food into my room and even a few times I would find myself eating in the back of the closet because no one could see me. I am still emotional eating, but I'm trying to break myself of the secretive eating. I'm not making excuses about my weight, just stating that this is what led me to where I am.

Each year I got heavier and heavier but couldn't stop myself. I knew that it wasn't healthy but I couldn't scare myself into losing the weight. At 19 I was 260 pounds and moved in with someone who was larger. I didn't realize it, but living with this roommate helped me gain 60 pounds in 10 months! (The last 10 pounds came from depression after realizing "oh god, I gained THAT much weight?") 7 days before my 21st birthday I moved out of that state and for a few months was constantly depressed.

You know the saying "I eat because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I eat"? That was me hardcore for several months. I was stuck in that constant loop, slipping lower into a dark hole that I'd never climb out of. I would look at all these gorgeous skinny girls and felt like they were constantly judging me. It didn't matter that they weren't, I imagined what they were saying. "Ew fatty, why did you come out of your house?" "Why are you dressed up? Trying to look pretty? You'll never get a man heifer!" On and on it went, getting worse and worse. Every handsome guy I see I don't even try for. Why would they want me?

I was talking to a girl at work one day and she told me about this site. At first I was thinking "Uh huh, yeah I know I'm fat. Why would I want a website to tell me that? I don't even go to the doctor for a check up because one of the first things is 'You know you have to lose this weight.'" But when I got home that night I was still thinking about it so I logged in. I put in my goals and logged what I ate that day. ... I may not have been able to scare myself into being healthy but I sure as heck shocked myself into it! After seeing how many calories I had eaten that day I was surprised ... and kind of disgusted with myself. Right then in that moment I promised that I would get healthier. I know it's going to be a struggle and I'm scared of failing, but I have to do this for me.

I have not officially weighed in (I won't until day 7) because I'm scared that this is just fluctuation and I'll gain it back (plus more). But I was curious, so I stepped onto the scale before starting this post ... Drumroll please? ..... 327.8lbs!!!!! I realize that's a pound a day and that it won't stay like that (and it's not healthy loss), but it was just an amazing feeling to see the numbers low. It's going to help me work towards my goal.

So I want to take this time to thank everyone on this site. You don't know me, you haven't commented on anything I've done, but you've influenced and inspired me just by posting your stories. So thank you now and a million times over! I'm looking forward to being a healthier me.