Have you dealt with your guilt?

I gave birth to twin boys on November 5th, 2008. Two days later, my first born twin was rushed into emergency surgery with a bowel obstruction. From this, it was discovered that he suffered from Cystic Fibrosis (a fatal disease that affects the lungs & the pancreas). Two weeks later, our second born twin was also diagnosed. The diagnosis sent me into a very dark place. Everything that I had known about life and love was completely diminished. I was confused, isolated, scared, etc. I knew nothing about the disease, other than, there was no cure & that it was progressive, and fatal. The part of me that cared about myself, gave up. I put all of my resources, all of my energy, strength, courage, and love, into my kids & fighting their battle. I completely lost myself in the disease and slowly started to drown. My guilt came from knowing that this disease is genetic. I unknowingly passed on a disease to my children, the two people i love more than life itself, and essentially, it will be the cause of their death. Somedays are hard to face. I can honestly say that if my sons can't breathe easy, I don't want to either. All of the things I have taken for granted my whole life, are a struggle to them. I find it hard to know that I can do things that they are not able to do as easily. I find it hard to know that I've passed on such a torturous disease to them. I find it hard to know that they suffer, and I don't. There is a lot of guilt there ........ but I'm slowly working through it. I'm realizing that I need to be the best me, for them.

my "guilt" is actually anger. Mostly at my mother. She and I have not had a good relationship and for as long as i remember she's been on a diet. the only diet that i actually liked that she was on was the sherry and steak diet. a fad of the early 70's. my mom's pleasant when she's tipsy. lol

I was never quite good enough for my mom. She could do things better, and no matter what i did, she would criticize. Until I eventually just stopped trying, which of course i got criticized for as well. I was so very angry with her. Once I got a job and had my own money the anger morphed into eating. I would eat stuff she didnt agree with. That'll show her! The angrier I got, the more I ate. It became stealth eating. Stopping off at A&W's on the way home before having dinner at home. I lived with my mom on and off till I was 45 and most of my weight gain was when i was living with her. I remember one easter, I smuggled, over the course of a week, seven 1 lb chocolate bunnies into the house. I'd eat them in my computer room and i'd have to eat quickly because you can't hide chocolate in a house with two dogs. They weren't very good and I didn't feel very good, but the only thing that stopped me was the end of Easter. The fact that I had a very high-stress job didn't help any.

I burned out, quit my job. Finally found a new job, with no stress at all, that I absolutely love. and after one massive blow out, finally moved out once and for all. The day after I moved out, i quit eating fast food. not consciously, but there's nothing close to my apartment so i just never got it. Then one day I found a book at work ( a book wholesaler) called Body By Design. it talked about weight lifting and how to eat to lose weight and I thought, lets try one more time. I was never much of a yo you dieter, but I never tried really hard. Something about that book clicked and I stuck to it. I later found Burn The Fat, Feed The Muscle which the other book seemed to have borrowed from heavily. So far I've lost 58 lbs, work out twice a day, love lifting weights.

And my anger? It seems to have abated. She still ticks me off, lets face it, she's 70, she's not going to change now. What did change is my reaction to her. I can on occasion tell her she ticks me off. Mostly i just talk to her on the phone at work, so i can tell her i have to go back to work when it gets bad. No anger, no food. Funny how that works.

My guilt, that lead me to gain so much weight was between two things that happened. The first one was when i was sexually assaulted at the age of 7/8 by a family friend. I spent less time outside and with my friends and more time inside with my family., who mind you.. Didn't do anything activity wise.

The second was when my mom left my dad and moved us to a different city. I was still young, but old enough to think it was somehow my fault. I refused to leave the house, refused to make new friends. I started eating more, being less active then I already was.

It didn't hit me till I was 16 or so that my weight gain wasn't because of my past, but because I would rather wallow in self pity. Being sexually assaulted happens to so many people. I couldn't blame myself for what happened because it happens to all shapes and sizes of people and me getting fatter wouldn't stop it from happening again. And the thing with my parents, I came to the realization it was my dad's fault, not mine that we left him. I resented him for years when i came to that conclusion, but thankfully things are now better. It took till I was 20 for that.

But it didn't take me till 22 to actually start something about the weight I had gained. I shouldn't make my body suffer physically for something psychological and emotional.

My guilt began in high school after my first "long" relationship ended. He made me feel inferior in every way, shape, and form. I was able to keep my weight under control more then- but I was still a little over weight. My first month at college I was sexually assaulted in my apartment by a neighbor who I had just met the day prior, and ever since then I had began suppressing my feelings of being ashamed, feeling gross, and feeling like it was all my fault by eating and having relationships with boys (I won't call them men) who liked to belittle me. Up until this past year I realized that I need to let the past remain the past and pick my life up, take control, and move on. Yet some days are still much harder than others.

Mine isn't *necessarily* guilt, though I do feel a bit guilty for the way I handled it...

I was an incredibly active child and teenager. I played basketball, baseball and soccer growing up, and also did marching band (which is an incredible workout, mind you) 7-12th grade. I was never small - I have a fairly large bone structure - but I never ate well. I blew out both my knees (floating/subluxing patellas) in 11th grade, and was told I would never be able to run again unless I got a double knee replacement. So, I didn't try. I stuck with marching band through my senior year - no way would I quit that - but had a ton of pain from it. I never got a second opinion, or I would likely have found out that I may have been able to stick with activities if I strengthened my lower abdominal muscles and inner thighs.

Like most active people who suddenly become sedentary, I ate as if I was still burning a gazillion and a half calories a day, and put on the pounds. I went from 150 to 250 in a matter of a few years, developed Fibromyalgia and high blood pressure.

From what I read now, around 50% of people with my condition can run without surgery, and I hope to be in that 50%. Once I get a job, I'm going to reward myself with a second patella stabilizer and try the C25K program and see if I can do it! Yes, it's the single corniest reward ever, but I'd like to try. I miss running so much.

So I guess my guilt is in how I dealt with my injury. I'm angry at my parents for not thinking to get a second opinion about my knees, and I've never had a good relationship with my family anyway. I've been trying hard the past couple years to mend the bridges, but the effort is only one-sided. So I've dealt with that, but until VERY recently I hadn't dealt with my physical ailments and this nagging, chronic injury of mine...

I've got a lot of guilt about my divorce, and the fact I was irresponsible enough to get married in the first place.
I have a lot of guilt because for years due to that marriage I stopped talking to my family like I should.

I'm still trying to mend that. I'm still trying to let my family know how much I love them. For those years it wasn't clear.
I deal with that guilt by getting angry at myself or random dumb things.
When I get angry I need to work out. It's my only outlet.
I have a TON of guilt as a mother. The fact my children have to share two homes, the fact my children miss me and I miss them.
The fact their father misses them. I cannot stand hearing my daughter or son cry for him, it breaks my heart.

I deal with THAT guilt by spoiling them and indulging them. Which, is a horrible habit I need to stop.

Well I think we're lucky. Because of the economic times we lived together during the entire process(nearly a year) and it taught us how to live around eachother, but not with eachother.
I've got no resentment and we work together well.
I'll probably still always have that guilt, and so will he. But they will always know how loved they are, and that they are important enough for us to work together.

So...it's not all bad!