26 m, nearly 400lbs, and things are complicated

On my phone, I wrote out a long reply containing individual sub-replies to each person in this thread. It was very long. A single missed tap then brought me to my nutrition diary. I was unable to recover what I wrote. I tried to login on my computer so as not to make the same mistake again. Due to some natural disaster related connectivity problems my area is facing right now, logging in took a very long time, and I forgot most of what I had to say. I honestly couldn't be angrier. Even so, I'm going to try to put my anger aside, and try to return to the frame of mind I was in when I wrote the original post that was lost, to improve my chances of reproducing its overall sentiment.

Let me open up by saying, thank you all so much for the warm welcome and for your kind and thoughtful replies. I'm doing much better now. In general, I've been starting to do better in my life. I'm working with county mental health services. I've been building a better relationship with myself and learning how to cooperate with myself and problem-solve, instead of just judging myself and expecting harsh judgement and self-hatred to make all my problems magically shape up.

To tell the truth, Monday was a bit of an anomaly. I don't know what brought it on, but I became so upset and impatient with myself that I regressed into a desperate and judgemental mind frame. That will happen from time to time. Sometimes we take steps backward. But my inner self and I have talked it out, and we're ready to put it behind us and pick up our recovery where we left off.

@rebeccahetrick : I've sent you an invite. It's very kind of you to want to help me. I don't know what I can do to help you, but if there is anything, I'd like to help you too. Perhaps we can help each other.

@KHMcG : Thank you for your suggestion. I'll heed your advice, in a certain sense, and seek spiritual awakening. I believe in a benevolent higher power. Sometimes I can feel Its love. I would like to believe that most religions in the world are ways It made Itself known to different cultures, and wars resulted because those revelations seemed to contradict, but in reality, they didn't; it just seemed that way because their compatibility is simply beyond imperfect mortal comprehension. I don't know if that's true, but I'd like to believe it, because believing that is what will let me find the greatest amount of good in the greatest amount of people. I have faith in that benevolent higher power. My faith is not always unfaltering. On Monday, for instance, it faltered. But when it doesn't, it drives me to seek out the council of the higher power. I will continue to seek that council.

@tushitatravellouge : I used to practice meditation as part of taekwondo. It's something I'd like to go back to. Thank you for the reminder. Guided meditation was a special treat we got to experience when our master instructor's master instructor visited the dojeong to prepare us for our blackbelt test. It did seem more relaxing than self-guided meditation. Maybe I will try it.

@DannyB1065 : I'm sorry you had to go through this too, but I'm glad neither of us are alone here. I definitely hear what you're saying about victim mentality versus direct action. I used to think self-blame and self-pity were very different. I honestly no longer believe that. Both are painful in their own similar ways, and both are ways of avoiding the daunting task of proactive problem-solving. Beating yourself up is, perhaps, just pitying yourself for circumstances you've internalized and now consider a part of your being. Instead of "I can't because I was molested and poor me," it's "I can't because I'm weak and disgusting," but it's still "I can't."

When my inner self and I made amends for the spat we had on Monday, we discovered something sort of interesting. See, I used to think logging calories worked for me because I was creating a plan, sticking to it, and seeing progress toward my goal. Thinking this way was toxic in subtle ways: I'd harshly berate myself for straying from the plan, and then I wouldn't be able to get back on the wagon after falling off. My inner self and I happened to notice lately that it really has quite little to do with that. The truth is so much more simple: when I log, I eat less. Plans and goals don't even enter into it. I could log with no intentions or direction in mind at all, or even log with the self-destructive intention to gain, and just because I'm logging, I'd still eat less and lose weight. It's Pavlovian or something. For now, I'm taking comfort in that, because it really does make everything so much easier to think about. If I stay on the wagon -- if I keep logging -- I'll lose weight. And sure, if there's a day where I don't log, I probably won't see the behavioral benefits of logging; I'll probably overeat. But I don't have to beat myself up about it. I can't tell myself I've failed if there wasn't even anything I was trying to accomplish. Can't tell myself I didn't stick to the plan if there was no plan. So there's no reason to be upset. I don't log for a day, I overeat, so what, it literally does not matter in the slightest. It has no effect whatsoever on the bizarre, inexplicable, immutable fact, that if I go back to logging the next day, I'll keep eating healthier. It's liberating to think about things this way.

I don't know that I need medical supervision yet. In fact, I'm not sure it would benefit me. I've tried medically supervised plans in the past. My psychological issues led me to noncompliance, and the presiding doctors expressed to me that they felt I had deeper issues they didn't feel qualified to help me with, and I should seek a specialist. And then the specialists told me that as well, and that I should seek other specialists. In fact, that's what ultimate led me to seek help through county services. I feared that was the point where it was at; I feared my need for assistance was so dire that I had no choice but to get the local government involved. Of course, the truth is, all along, I couldn't accept the help I was seeking because I wasn't ready to be helped. The work I've done on myself lately has helped me understand that. Things are changing. Right now, maybe just using MyFitnessPal every day -- and not giving up when I fall off the wagon, because I have this new understanding that it really doesn't matter -- right now, maybe that's what I need, maybe that's what's going to move me forward.

@MaltedTea : Thank you so much for your insight and your well wishes and kind words. I'm seeking help through county services right now, but will keep BetterHelp in mind; thank you for the reference. Also, I didn't mean to project onto you; I intended to convey an impersonal "you" that represented a projection of my own weight-centered self-loathing in the abstract. I apologize that it came off as it did.

@sarahjones9153 : Thank you for your kind reminder. You're very right, of course; we are all, each of us, worthy of our own love, faith, support, and will to take action in our lives. The love and respect of others must be hard-earned, but our own love and respect is something we're all born entitled to, that no one should be able to take from us. But there is a loophole: sadly, we can be persuaded to take it away from ourselves. Too often, I slip back into that mindset. That happened on Monday. A matter of impatience, mostly. But no longer. From here on out, myself and I are going to love each other and cooperate.

@Mithridites : You've expressed a lot of wisdom in relatively few words. You're right, of course, that choosing to survive my obesity is my responsibility to myself, and it is a choice I have to be the one to make. Congratulations, by the way, on making that choice for yourself. I've been better about putting that choice into action lately. Warming up to it, you could say, even if Monday was a colder sort of day. Eckhart Tolle sounds like an interesting lecturer.

@febryanmarta1 : Thank you. I'll keep this in mind for when I'm physically prepared to do more intense exercise than long walks and housecleaning. That being said, past experience with losing (and, unfortunately, regaining) 140lbs has shown me that calorie intake reduction is the most important thing I can do toward getting the weight off. My struggle is not with the practical question of what can be done, but with the psychological aspect. That being said, I do certainly understand exercise is a huge help with psychological issues as well. If anything, I might turn to it more for that than for direct weight loss in principal.

@tushitatravellogue : I don't do it anymore. I'd like to go back, but my master instructor closed her practice. She was really a very special instructor. I don't think I could find a comparable experience in another dojeong. Even so, maybe I'll try again someday, under someone new, when I'm lean enough.