Really to give up

justinejacksonm
justinejacksonm Posts: 75 Member
in Motivation and Support
Well...

I've been battling 10-15. I've been battling this excess 10-15 lbs for way too long and starting to feel a sad realization that I may just have to accept this soft, roundy, pudgy body I've developed, is my new body for what's left of my young life. I've never been "skinny" but when I look back at my body when I first started realizing I wanted to lose weight in highschool (2000) I did the whole slim fast and lean cuisine lifestyle. I was what is now referred to as a skinny fat girl. I'd kill though to have that body back knowing what all I know now, and get where I had wanted. I haven't been able to get down below 130 and stay there in about 10 years. My default weight used to be 125ish. Nothing will change. The upper part of my abs was always good. No fat, could see my ribs, and one day I developed fat there too and haven't seen my ribs in a long time. I feel like I'm wearing a pillow on my stomach. I splurged and had sculpsure on my lower belly 2-3 months ago but it did nothing. My upper body is so fluffy, I can't stand it and hate my reflection.

I partially blame my bf because he is usually the reason I get derailed as he doesn't seem to care about fitness goals. Also alot of my choices have been forced based on "doing what I have to do" vs. what's best for me, for keeping peace in our relationship.

Instead of trying to find jobs that are right for me I've been rushed into crappy high stress jobs that take away my free time and then all he wants to do is sit around drinking beer and the end of the day and it keeps me from being as active as I'd like. He started a daily schedule for himself, where from 6:30-7:30 is exercise and he hasn't done it since the first two days.

I get into a really good thing, start seeing great results as if I may actually make it, and get knocked off track. Over and over. Starting to lose motivation as I put so much hard work in just to end to back where I am.

I truly don't know how others do it. I feel blessed that my goals are so ridiculously within reach compared to the long road so many have (and still do it) yet I can't get there. I've never looked like this in my whole life and is like nothing works.

Just started a new work from home job and I knew the sitting all day would really like me, especially since I'm already struggling, and I just don't seem to have the time (or energy) to workout anymore.

I'm in training 10:30-7 and also juggling a really intense class for school this semester. Have neither worked out or done any school work so far. All I want to do in the morning is sleep in, however badly I wish for the motivation to jump up at 6 and spend 2 hrs.

It's getting cold out now, rather suddenly, so I don't even want to go for a jog or walk. In the end I feel like even if I do, after sitting for 8 hrs what difference will it make?

Just feeling really bad and very depressed about how I look and not being able to change it. I did great over the summer when it was beautiful weather and I was still homeevery day, out on LOA from my last job for covid 19.

I just don't know how ppl lose all kinds of weight and get these amazing fit bodies- AND KEEP THEM!!!?? Like I don't know about you but life happens. Like all the time. Not just Christmas or getting injured it whatever. Like weekly. My bf will make family size bowl of potato salad to eat all week or I'll spend every day running around in whatever free time I've got getting errands done, or we go to the lake and end up at a neighbours bonfire drinking a bottle of wine and then smores martinis.

How do you stay on track without giving up real life? The things in life that are unplanned and make living life enjoyable? Not going to live the rest of my life drinking green tea with stevia at a bonfire or let all the food my bf decides to make over the weekend go bad. We try to compromise but....

I cry or feel like crying every night and don't know what to do. I hate living like this and wish I was one of those people who just had the kind of lifestyle that enables getting and staying on track.

That said, I have work at 10:30. By the time I got into a good workout this morning, showered and put on makeup, it'd be late since it's already 9. So much for a long workout this morning. Much needed sleep- or fitness?

Replies

  • nanastaci2020
    nanastaci2020 Posts: 1,072 Member
    My body goals are for me and no one else - and whether or not my husband loses or gains weight is his responsibility.

    That does not mean I can have a devil may care attitude about the world. Right now I'm about 8-10 pounds above 'goal weight'. I'm still eating at a deficit, doing cardio - but I'm also trying to eat more protein and get a good strength training (based on body weight and minimal equipment) going because I do want to look leaner.

    I'm married and my kids are older. My youngest is about to turn 19. The kids at home: mostly are expected to 'take care' of themselves. I am married, and there are many times when I feel 'bad' about doing something for ME when I could be spending time with Hubs. And evening with Hubs? Are typically spent sitting in bed watching TV.

    So what to do? I walk in the morning before work and during my lunch hour at work. I have been doing some random body weight moves here & there but I'm trying to get more structured about it. So I'm walking more/longer in the morning - so that I don't need to walk much during my lunch hour in order to meet my activity goal. That leaves me with 20-30 minutes for strength before I have to clean up/go back to work. *I have a small, basic fitness center in my office complex.

    Sometimes though, things do not go as planned. Monday morning I did not get up to walk - so I got on the treadmill after dinner. And guess what? Hubs' night was not ruined by me being out of the room for 30 or so minutes. And on weekends, I tend to walk outside. I ask if he wants to join me, and if not I go by myself.

    As for food? I'm eating 1400-1600 most days. Based on my activity goals, my total daily energy expenditure (which includes exercise) is about 1900 now. I've recently upped my protein goal to 100g daily, because higher protein helps to maintain muscle mass.

    If I can improve the 'tone' and firmness of my body, that will mean more to me than the # on the scale. I have the flabby belly, excess weight in thighs, etc. And eating at a slight deficit should allow me to continue to lose fat.

    Getting up early: sometimes it is hard. But I feel great when I'm on the treadmill and after. So on the mornings when it seems hard, I try to remember that. *I'm up by 5:30am most weekdays, leaving for work around 7am.
  • Dogmom1978
    Dogmom1978 Posts: 1,580 Member
    Stop blaming others for your job, stress, ambition, dedication, etc. That’s first. Only you can determine what YOU do. Sounds like you need to have an honest conversation with your SO where you explain how you feel. If he’s not receptive, maybe it’s time to move on.

    That said, you complain about a flabby body. Have you done any kind of body recomp?

    And yes, life happens. I make a work out schedule and try very hard to stick to it. My second job can be a little unpredictable, so I’m not hard on myself if it interferes with my workout plans, BUT, the next day, I’m working out again.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,961 Member
    Consider giving up. What does that actually do? You achieve NOTHING by doing it.
    If you're NOT getting where you want with the last 10-15lbs, it's because you're NOT COMMITTED to doing it. And until you do, you haven't really even started. So how can you really give up?

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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  • HeidiCooksSupper
    HeidiCooksSupper Posts: 3,839 Member
    You have two choices. Give up and settle into your life and being miserable OR make changes. The second one is the scarier one and takes effort. How you start is up to you, whether with small changes or big ones. If you are clinically depressed (and it sounds like it) get treatment be it medicine or therapy and probably a combination of the two.

    Meanwhile, work to make yourself feel better physically because that will help with gaining the strength necessary to cope with your decisions. If you feel like going to bed for a nap, do something physical instead. Walk. Do an exercise video. Do anything physical, even for just a few minutes.

    Stop worrying about your boyfriend and what he thinks so much. He is the center of his own universe, you be the center of yours. Why isn't it his duty to change what he does to "keep peace in the relationship?" Why are you the lesser human who must kowtow? These are important questions that should be dealt with. Many of us were raised to be doormats. That's not right or healthy and we have to learn new ways of adulting. Trying to love a doormat is no fun for the other person either if they are a true grown up.

    You are young. You can do this. There is no earthly reason why who you are now is who you must be for the next 1/2 century or so. I'm pushing 70 and still working on me because I want to be a blissfully happy 95-year-old. Why not? The only person who can stop me is me. No one who says you can't learn and improve should have any impact on you.
  • 88olds
    88olds Posts: 4,530 Member
    A couple of thoughts- you’re 100% right about the living part. There’s no big secret to weight loss. Weight loss requires a calorie deficit. Some folks freak out because the calculators aren’t always exact and we have to tinker with the numbers. But find the number and hit it consistently and you will lose weight. That’s how our bodies are designed. But read this board a lot and you’ll see that the big struggle isn’t the number, its living with it.

    This is just old guy advice- you won’t get far blaming your BF. We only get one life. How do you want yours to go? It’s up to you, not your BF. And just in case he’s one of those guys who thinks all the choices are up to him, choose another BF.

  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
    Pretty much with the crowd here--a lot of excuses and not much happening--my boyfriend, I'm tired, my social life..... If you're suffering from depression, get some help with that, because you need to cope to go forward. Losing 10-15 lbs isn't going to change your life and make you happy, so I'd work on mental health if you really want to be happy with yourself.
  • springlering62
    springlering62 Posts: 8,352 Member
    Sorry to be so personal, but a lot of what you say seems to revolve around alcohol.

    Alcohol is generally high calorie and also leads to breakdowns in resolve- whether to be more snackish or drink more.

    Maybe instead of revolving your life around that, apply that time to a walk or something. I have my best chats with my husband while we are out of the house on our evening walks, away from chores, needy pets, emails, etc.

    BF also comes off as sounding a bit controlling. If he’s not then he should be fine if you walk, even if solo instead of beer-time with him.

    Alcohol can also lead to or “enhance” (wrong word for lack of better) depression.

    And if my family experience is anything to go by, consumption goes up with time, not down. Might be worthwhile to pre-nip future calories in the bud.
  • BahstenB10
    BahstenB10 Posts: 227 Member
    edited September 2020
    I am just going to share with you a little bit of my story:

    When I first lost weight years ago, I found I "lost" a lot of friends along the way. Really, were they friends to begin with? No. We had one thing in common: drinking. I found that once I moved on and focused more on myself, that there were a lot of people in my life that weren't good for me. Sometimes you have to step back and look at the big picture.

    I also was in a bad relationship. We would go to the gym together and she would want to go to the bar afterwards and would order french fries and down 5 vodkas. We spent most of our time together drinking and it just would cause a lot of arguments, etc... It just wasn't healthy. We eventually went thru a HORRIBLE break up and I lost 50 lbs the first 4 months of being without her.

    My body does this funny thing where if I don't shed the emotional weight, I can't shed the physical weight.

    If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up. I have small defeats every day but I have to remind myself, this is a process of not only physical changes but emotional as well. I am still here - kicking it, believing, and dreaming.

    Hang in there. You can do this. Time to shed the funk in your life weighing you down whatever that may be.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    Perfectionism is the bane of those who throw in the towel. Constant stops and starting over and over and over again.

    We learn the All or Nothing mindset early in life. It's passed down through the generations. This entire weight war is within ourselves. Who would you be if you set down the weight you've been carrying for years or decades.

    Give yourself the rigidity and purity test. There's no swab you can stick up your nose for that but you know if you're as rigid as a fireplace poker. All or Nothing gets us mostly nothing.

    Don't wait until you're standing at the gate before you unpack all of your heavy bags. Leave them strewn all over the place and behind you. The day we no longer want to exist with all of that heavy emotional baggage attached to food is the day we break free.

    Obesity and emotional eating go hand in hand. We don't have to be the victim of circumstances. Did you pass the purity test? Find the deeper reason. Let perfectionism eat your dust. Find the reason more close to the heart. Stoke your passion without the rigid fireplace poker. It will give you warmth and keep your fire burning.
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 34,102 Member
    I'm pretty much on board with what others are saying here.

    I thing I learned along the road that helped me, when I found myself in unfavorable circumstances, was to think "What have I personally done to create, promote, or allow this situation?". (It requires a willingness to be severely honest with myself.)

    The benefit is that it focuses my attention on exactly the things I can influence or change, to find a better path.

    Analyzing a situation in terms of other people, or uncontrollable factors, is pointless. It cultivates a sense of victimhood. Focusing on what we influence or control is empowering. The only attention given to obstacles can be how to get out of, around, over, or past them. Obsessing about the unchangeable is pointless.

    When it comes to weight management, pretty much all of us control what we put in our mouth, chew and swallow (or drink). We control how much we move throughout the day. Those are the biggies, for weight management. I'd add that the "moving" part isn't just about exercise. It's an all-day thing, how we approach our jobs, home chores, discretionary time, etc. For most people, exercise is a small fraction of their all-day calorie expenditure, even if they exercise regularly. (My regular exercise is only around 15% of my calorie expenditure, for example.)

    In particular, I'd say you have much more control over your life than you believe. But you need to exercise that control. As others have suggested, if depression is part of the current scenario, then getting help with that is an excellent first step. There should be no more stigma about that than about taking one's car to a mechanic when it has a problem beyond what we can handle on our own.

    In your story, you're already making choices, though of course there are some things you can't control. Take the choice opportunities you have, and make choices that serve your aspirational goals, that value your future self's well-being, not just choices that feel good (or simply less-bad) in the moment.

    Taking control of your life, I predict, will help you feel better, as well as achieve your goals more readily.
  • jayemes
    jayemes Posts: 865 Member
    edited September 2020
    TL;DR - Lose the boyfriend and start lifting some weights to recomp
  • sbradychamberlain
    sbradychamberlain Posts: 8 Member
    I wouldn't give up, I would just take it one day at a time. Just focus on today; not what you did wrong yesterday, and not what you are going to do tomorrow, just make today your focus. What are you going to do today, to make your life better, get you to your goal. I was very frustrated when I stepped on the scale this morning, as I had not lost any weight; so I just focused on what I was going to do today to make it better. It made me more aware of what I ate, and I went for my 38 minute walk (two laps around the neighborhood). And I find that is what works for me. Don't focus on the finish line, just focus on what you can do today. Even a five minute walk will do wonders. When you get home, instead of going for the beer, take a shower and brush your teeth. Mint and beer don't really mix well...lol And hang in there, you have a lot of support here!!
  • silverpl2525
    silverpl2525 Posts: 138 Member
    I get it, I've been there. I was in a relationship where my guy would rather eat ice cream every night and watch movies rather than go for a walk. I tried walking with him but he would get short of breath after a short distance and literally just go home. So I started walking on my own as much as I could. I also told him I was going to eat my own food (he didn't like fruit or vegetables!). So I lost weight, he continued to get more and more obese and get diabetes and lose foot sensation.

    Eventually the relationship ended due to reasons not related to lifestyle, but now I'm with someone who doesn't drink any alcohol, limits treats, and is much more fit than me because he lifts weights. He is now my inspiration to get to a healthy weight. So you can either take your own health into your hands and do your own thing in your relationship, or, if it is reeeeeeeeeally affecting you, consider moving on to be single or with someone else. You sound really stressed out. Having to "keep the peace" in a relationship is very taxing. Doesn't sound very good. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I hope you don't give up on yourself.

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