Hubs Gripe
nanastaci2020
Posts: 1,072 Member
I will have a decision to make next week - not an easy one. My birthday is on the 15th, and for the past 2 months have talked to Hubs about going to Amicalola Falls for my birthday. To climb the 604 steps to the top of the falls and do some hiking. Hubs has made no effort to work on his fitness level. He asked me a few days ago what I wanted to do for my birthday. I reminded him about the falls. (We went there in 2015, we were both in pretty good shape at the time.) He complained about his back pain and other issues (many of which he KNOWS would be greatly improved if he started moving more, and lost weight - but its something he puts off) and that he would not be able to.
SO ultimately its going to become a choice of: stay home and do NOTHING special. Or go by myself. And if I choose to go by myself, one of 2 results will come about. He'll be made/it will start a fight OR he'll go anyhow and complain the whole time.
I am not thrilled, can you tell? If the weather ends up being sour I might just spend the day on the treadmill to avoid him.
SO ultimately its going to become a choice of: stay home and do NOTHING special. Or go by myself. And if I choose to go by myself, one of 2 results will come about. He'll be made/it will start a fight OR he'll go anyhow and complain the whole time.
I am not thrilled, can you tell? If the weather ends up being sour I might just spend the day on the treadmill to avoid him.
15
Replies
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Go alone and have a great time. Take a bunch of pictures.
When he gets mad, politely explain that you went alone because you didn’t want to make him do something that would be physically too taxing in his current state.17 -
Do you have a friend that could do the Falls trip with? Then meet hubs for dinner? Then no one is offended; you still get what you want; and you still get to enjoy time together on your birthday! I'm like you...I'd want to teach him a lesson. But in the end, all that winds up happening is YOU miss out on a fun thing for your birthday. And it doesn't encourage him to get healthy either.8
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Reasonable idea, but no. No one that would be able to do the falls & hiking at least. I have a good friend/neighbor who would love to, but she had back surgery 3 weeks ago. Recovery is going well but not THAT well. And as I am taking a vacation day, and many people work on Thursdays: timing is a little awkward. One daughter will be working the other has a 5 month old to care for...iloveeggnog wrote: »Do you have a friend that could do the Falls trip with? Then meet hubs for dinner? Then no one is offended; you still get what you want; and you still get to enjoy time together on your birthday! I'm like you...I'd want to teach him a lesson. But in the end, all that winds up happening is YOU miss out on a fun thing for your birthday. And it doesn't encourage him to get healthy either.
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^^^ Friend is a great idea! I'm in the same boat with you, in essence. My birthday is in less than a few weeks and while I know my husband will do anything I ask of him, it probably won't come without a price. He's consumed by sports and even while we'd be doing something fun, or at least what I consider fun, he'd be constantly checking for updates. Bottom line he can't stay off his phone, totally addicted. And that leaves me nearly depleted trying to be tolerant of his behavior. So I'm trying to plan a birthday where he can lay on the couch and drink booze and watch sports all day while I enjoy life! My husband is also very inactive. We do have a toddler so my thought so far is that I take my little boy out for ice cream, something fun, just the two of us. I'd have a better birthday without the hubby, sounds like you I believe. I truly hope you have a wonderful birthday. Oddly, I'll be thinking about you. You'll have to let us know how it goes, what you decide, if you can.5
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Whatever you do please do not let his lack of motivation impact your incredible motivation! Go alone and hike your heart out! Then go home and tell him how great it was. If he mopes, complains or fights, so be it. You will have that amazing accomplishment under your belt and maybe he will just be happy for you. If not, well, the guy needs to work on himself, but we already kind of know that. GO KILL IT! You deserve to be happy and do amazing things!12
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Boo
I'm sorry he didn't put in the effort so you could have the birthday you envisioned. Maybe he takes you but just hangs out while you do the hike...I know it's not as fun solo but I'd rather do it myself than not do it at all and just build up resentment! Especially if it'll make it worse if he comes along and can't keep up. I'm sure he's probably kicking himself too.
Whatever you decide, I hope you make it a special day!!1 -
The good news is: my success is all in my hands, not his. I do take time for me to walk, work out and eat as I believe I should.
I do not nag him, I also don't pull up a chair to his pity parties. If he goes on TOO much, I do remind him that moving more & weighing less would help. That comes up perhaps 1-2 times per month. To which he always replies he knows, and that he intends to do something about it. He is a next month sort of person. As in "I'll start next month."
I do fear that it is just a matter of time before he has a major weight related health scare.
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It's your party and you can climb if you want to.12
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newyorkanna wrote: »Whatever you do please do not let his lack of motivation impact your incredible motivation! Go alone and hike your heart out! Then go home and tell him how great it was. If he mopes, complains or fights, so be it. You will have that amazing accomplishment under your belt and maybe he will just be happy for you. If not, well, the guy needs to work on himself, but we already kind of know that. GO KILL IT! You deserve to be happy and do amazing things!
I agree with most of this. However, let me tell you a little story.... When I was moping around, not feeling like exercising, etc. My husband who is quite active, would ask me to go hiking, skiing, biking, etc. All the thing we have done together our entire married life. One thing I always said, was "don't stop asking." Well, he never did. He always knew I would "get back to me." Well it took a minute, but I did!!
Now, were I you, I would plan the trip, and make him feel as welcome as possible. I would make sure he knew there was no expectation of him doing the climbing; you want him there with you. I would plan a nice evening for after the climbing. IMHO, there is nothing like accepting someone in the moment for who they are, where they are. To me this speaks to grace. As, you know, he knows he is not up to the climbing task.
If none of this seems plausible in your situation. It is after all your birthday, so you have to decide. Good luck
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Any possibility of him coming along and skipping the hardest parts?
Before I lost weight, I would occasionally go on hikes with my BF, but not go along for certain climbs (read a book while he climbs and comes back down) or take an easier route while he took a longer/harder route, because I knew I would not be able to do it or I would be way too slow for his liking.4 -
Also, do you have a dog you could take with you? When my husband and I feel like doing different things, I take a dog (or 2 or 3) along for company. Some of my best hikes have been with 0 humans around, but I tend to be a bit anti social 😜7
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Amicalola Falls is on my short list of things I want to do again. It is too bad you are a woman and it would not be appropriate or advisable since we are strangers on the internet. But I bet if you told hubby you were climbing it with another man it would light a fire under him lol.
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Go alone, have an awesome time, and have a response ready so that you do not engage in an argument (husband can't argue with you if you don't choose to engage in that conversation!) Something like "I hear that you're mad about me going by myself on this hike. This is something I won't negotiate on; I'm going to go like I originally planned and have fun. I love you and can't wait to spend time with you after I'm done. But I won't be discussing my hike if you only want to argue about it."
I'm sorry about his response on this! You should be able to go have fun on an awesome hike that you've been wanting to take, without him making you feel bad about it.3 -
@nanastaci2020
I'll go with you! Seriously! And then we can go for some BBQ at that pig on the hill place.9 -
springlering62 wrote: »@nanastaci2020
I'll go with you! Seriously! And then we can go for some BBQ at that pig on the hill place.
Now see if there are two women going it is more appropriate. Plus my wife might come but I can't commit for her which is why I have to assume I would be alone. It also means that as long as only one of us is an axe murderer there is a number advantage. Of course the two of you might be an axe murdering team...
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I think you should go do it alone because this is your goal, it is what you have been working towards. If it's something that's important to you, you really don't want to miss out on it and regret it later. It's probably not going to be exactly what you imagined without your husband there but go for it and take lots of pictures! And congrats!1
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@NovusDies it would not necessarily be inappropriate if @springlering62 joins us we make it a MFP social affair. Or social gathering, that sounds better than affair lol. While I am working on my strength training, I've just gotten started and I'm too weak to successfully swing an axe. (Or so I say. I mean, would an axe murderer admit to being an axe murderer?)
No to the dog idea... The family dog is now an Old Man and gets worn out going to the neighbor's house (9 houses up) and back. My daughter's dog would love it, but I am not sure I could handle him in a car for 90 minutes each way ride. And in all fairness, he has not done that sort of excursion so I can't be sure how he'd handle it.
As of now I do plan to go. Fingers crossed for good weather!4 -
If he is not motivated to get in shape, there is really nothing you can do. Don't let his life choices hamper your personal goals and rewards. I would go hiking there yourself, and don't let him come along if he will complain. Tell him you planned doing this for some time. Based on what you are saying...if you let him know how much it means to you, he may try and sabotage your progress through insisting he comes along or trying to talk you out of it.2
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I do envy your husband- to be invited to such an awesome hike...
Happy early birthday!
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I PM’d you via messages. I’m up for it although, admittedly, I’m in it for the BBQ.
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nanastaci2020 wrote: »I will have a decision to make next week - not an easy one. My birthday is on the 15th, and for the past 2 months have talked to Hubs about going to Amicalola Falls for my birthday. To climb the 604 steps to the top of the falls and do some hiking. Hubs has made no effort to work on his fitness level. He asked me a few days ago what I wanted to do for my birthday. I reminded him about the falls. (We went there in 2015, we were both in pretty good shape at the time.) He complained about his back pain and other issues (many of which he KNOWS would be greatly improved if he started moving more, and lost weight - but its something he puts off) and that he would not be able to.
SO ultimately its going to become a choice of: stay home and do NOTHING special. Or go by myself. And if I choose to go by myself, one of 2 results will come about. He'll be made/it will start a fight OR he'll go anyhow and complain the whole time.
I am not thrilled, can you tell? If the weather ends up being sour I might just spend the day on the treadmill to avoid him.
It sounds like you are asking/ expecting him to do something he just isn't really up to at the moment. It's a shame, but you can't really expect him to lose weight and get fitter just for this. We all know how hard it is to lose weight and it has to be something he wants to do for himself - his motivation has to come from within, not from you nagging him and making him feel doubly bad about your birthday.
Sorry but you are being a bit unreasonable in saying that you have to do that or do nothing. There are other things you could do that he could be involved in more easily. Or just go on your own, WITHOUT blaming him, just say it's something you really wanted to do, and you will celebrate with him separately when you get back.
He's probably not feeling very valued right now and this isn't the way to go about encouraging him to get fitter.1 -
nanastaci2020 wrote: »I will have a decision to make next week - not an easy one. My birthday is on the 15th, and for the past 2 months have talked to Hubs about going to Amicalola Falls for my birthday. To climb the 604 steps to the top of the falls and do some hiking. Hubs has made no effort to work on his fitness level. He asked me a few days ago what I wanted to do for my birthday. I reminded him about the falls. (We went there in 2015, we were both in pretty good shape at the time.) He complained about his back pain and other issues (many of which he KNOWS would be greatly improved if he started moving more, and lost weight - but its something he puts off) and that he would not be able to.
SO ultimately its going to become a choice of: stay home and do NOTHING special. Or go by myself. And if I choose to go by myself, one of 2 results will come about. He'll be made/it will start a fight OR he'll go anyhow and complain the whole time.
I am not thrilled, can you tell? If the weather ends up being sour I might just spend the day on the treadmill to avoid him.
It sounds like you are asking/ expecting him to do something he just isn't really up to at the moment. It's a shame, but you can't really expect him to lose weight and get fitter just for this. We all know how hard it is to lose weight and it has to be something he wants to do for himself - his motivation has to come from within, not from you nagging him and making him feel doubly bad about your birthday.
Sorry but you are being a bit unreasonable in saying that you have to do that or do nothing. There are other things you could do that he could be involved in more easily. Or just go on your own, WITHOUT blaming him, just say it's something you really wanted to do, and you will celebrate with him separately when you get back.
He's probably not feeling very valued right now and this isn't the way to go about encouraging him to get fitter.
He lost me when he had to ask what she wanted to do for her birthday again. If she mentioned it 2 months ago he should have known. If my wife asked me for something similar when I was terribly out of shape I would have made an effort. If I knew there was no way I could do it I would have tried to surprise her with something else she has mentioned and tell her to enjoy her main request solo or with friends. It would not have made me feel great but I would have been at least a participant in a part of her birthday experience.
I think we should never go out of our way to make someone feel bad but we can't shield them completely from life. I hated that I was an anchor to my wife on many vacations. I felt her frustration even though she tried to avoid showing it. I am glad those days are over and I hope that from this point forward our capabilities stay somewhat in sync as we age.12 -
When I first brought A. Falls up in early August, he was on board with doing it a little later in the year once it was cooler. We actually discussed going possibly in September or October, so I suggested we should plan to do it on my birthday. The topic has come up a time or two since the initial discussion in August. (The topic originally came up in August because of our anniversary, and it was an anniversary trip in August 2015 when we last went there.) Last week he asked 'what do you want to do for your birthday' and I reminded him. This was the first time he was negative on the topic, and perhaps that was an 'oh *kitten* I don't have any time to prepare' reaction. We don't do 'gifts'.
I don't think I've sprung unrealistic expectations on him, but without further context I can see how that assumption could be made.
On top of all else, he twisted his ankle yesterday. I am going to discuss with him again tonight, because I do intend/plan to go. He may be interested in going and hanging around the base while @NovusDies and @springler62 and perhaps @MrsNovusDies climb to the top of the falls. And if not, he and I can have dinner together when I get back home that evening.
I know I can't push him to take better care of himself. Only hope for the best, and be there as support if and when he is ready. And pray that he does not have a medical emergency along the way. (He needs to lose 35 pounds to be merely overweight.)5 -
I think a lot of us are in the same position. My husband does not workout but in some ways does support my 5K races and will sometimes hangout while I do a run/walk. I want to get to the gym but that hasn't worked out - so trying to take the dog for a walk works but now the days are getting shorter and he worries when it is dark, even if the dog and I were covered from head to toe in reflective gear he is uncomfortable with me walking the dog when I get home from work. I hope you have a nice birthday -2
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^^^ Friend is a great idea! I'm in the same boat with you, in essence. My birthday is in less than a few weeks and while I know my husband will do anything I ask of him, it probably won't come without a price. He's consumed by sports and even while we'd be doing something fun, or at least what I consider fun, he'd be constantly checking for updates. Bottom line he can't stay off his phone, totally addicted. And that leaves me nearly depleted trying to be tolerant of his behavior. So I'm trying to plan a birthday where he can lay on the couch and drink booze and watch sports all day while I enjoy life! My husband is also very inactive. We do have a toddler so my thought so far is that I take my little boy out for ice cream, something fun, just the two of us. I'd have a better birthday without the hubby, sounds like you I believe. I truly hope you have a wonderful birthday. Oddly, I'll be thinking about you. You'll have to let us know how it goes, what you decide, if you can.
You and @nanastaci2020 should hike together virtually for your Birthdays. You on your hike and she on hers both on the phone or Zoom or something. 💗1 -
I'm putting myself in your shoes and I would probably not go but we would do the next best thing that doesn't involve as much fitness.
I would also definitely talk to my partner about how I feel and would try to postpone the hike by a couple of months or by spring, make getting into shape like a sort of a goal for the both of us. And I would still call it a bday hike!0 -
I've given this some more thought. It's hunting season out here. There's not one husband who asks their wife for permission to go hunting. It's a given. They're going hunting come hail or high water. It's also a very social time for men. They get together and cook their meals over an open fire. Tell tall tales and big whoppers, carry on like a bunch of big dogs on the porch. It doesn't matter if the wife is having a birthday at home alone or anything else. They're focused on their hunting trip. Non-residents pay $1000's of dollars regardless if they get anything or not.
Some men take their wives but they camp alone. Men leave all of their cares behind and go hunting. Been that way for 100's and 1000's of years. They don't arrange anything at home for the wives to do. You're a good woman but it's your party. You can climb if you want to but I know you'll be thinking about your husband the whole time.0 -
My husband has joint difficulties and cannot do all activities. I will be taking ski lessons and go skiing throughout this upcoming season. He will be coming with me and is planning to drink hot cocoa and read his Kindle in the lodge. Your husband could grab a book, camera, other, and come with you, but not do the hike.0
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^^^ Friend is a great idea! I'm in the same boat with you, in essence. My birthday is in less than a few weeks and while I know my husband will do anything I ask of him, it probably won't come without a price. He's consumed by sports and even while we'd be doing something fun, or at least what I consider fun, he'd be constantly checking for updates. Bottom line he can't stay off his phone, totally addicted. And that leaves me nearly depleted trying to be tolerant of his behavior. So I'm trying to plan a birthday where he can lay on the couch and drink booze and watch sports all day while I enjoy life! My husband is also very inactive. We do have a toddler so my thought so far is that I take my little boy out for ice cream, something fun, just the two of us. I'd have a better birthday without the hubby, sounds like you I believe. I truly hope you have a wonderful birthday. Oddly, I'll be thinking about you. You'll have to let us know how it goes, what you decide, if you can.
You and @nanastaci2020 should hike together virtually for your Birthdays. You on your hike and she on hers both on the phone or Zoom or something. 💗
Cute idea! Virtual birthday party!0 -
@nanastaci2020 Hope you enjoyed your birthday! 🎉 🎂 What was your decision on your dilemma?1
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