Are there some ways your significant other helped you lose weight?
breefoshee
Posts: 398 Member
I often hear stories of spouses "sabotaging" weight loss efforts or not being supportive enough. The response to this is often, "Just do it for yourself, by yourself."
But what about when your significant other is incredibly supportive of your efforts and wants to do what they can to help? My boyfriend has been really helpful along this journey... but I have often been more of an independent mind, saying "I got this." When in actuality... there are somethings he could do to help.
What do you think? How do you ride the balance of "this is my responsibility"...but taking help when offered? Are there some ways your significant other has helped you lose weight?
*No spouse- bashing, please. Let's keep it positive!
But what about when your significant other is incredibly supportive of your efforts and wants to do what they can to help? My boyfriend has been really helpful along this journey... but I have often been more of an independent mind, saying "I got this." When in actuality... there are somethings he could do to help.
What do you think? How do you ride the balance of "this is my responsibility"...but taking help when offered? Are there some ways your significant other has helped you lose weight?
*No spouse- bashing, please. Let's keep it positive!
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Replies
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It's too exhausting for others to keep us propped up. Take full responsibility for yourself or none of this will stick.
Come hail or high water, let nothing deter you. This isn't about willpower or motivation. It's about skills. Each of us has to build the ability to get fit under real life conditions. Leaning on others to pull us through may take the struggle off for a few minutes but it's temporary.
Find your deeper reasons for wanting and doing all of this. They will move you to take the bull by the horns. Every. Single. Day.
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Originally my husband said, "I give it two days". Which, of course, meant I had to do it forever hahaha. But truly, he has become a very important part of this process. We live together and eat together and share a life together...so of course my success is his success too! It would make me very sad to be sabotaged by someone playing such a near and dear role in my world.
He has become my biggest cheerleader. He asks about details of my runs and we compare past and present runs together. He does a LOT of the cooking. So some days, he'll say, sorry you're on your own and he will make some fried, cheesy, goodness with a bazillion calories. But other days he'll say, hey, I made your favourite fish or save some calories for chicken parm tomorrow night or whatever.
He did have to learn pretty quickly that I dont need him to police my food choices. That I can eat anything as long as it is planned for and fits my calories. That was hurtful at first cause I knew I was doing right and yet having my choices pointed out as bad. But he learned hahah.
He has also been encouraging in terms of accommodating my meal prep and work out schedules. He has stepped up to help with my Mom and with more household things so that I have more time to do what needs to be done.
He is not the reason why I am succeeding on this journey. It is a total life style change...and as a significant part of my life, he sure helps!!2 -
Diatonic12 wrote: »It's too exhausting for others to keep us propped up. Take full responsibility for yourself or none of this will stick.
Come hail or high water, let nothing deter you. This isn't about willpower or motivation. It's about skills. Each of us has to build the ability to get fit under real life conditions. Leaning on others to pull us through may take the struggle off for a few minutes but it's temporary.
Find your deeper reasons for wanting and doing all of this. They will move you to take the bull by the horns. Every. Single. Day.
So... no help from significant others at all? I don't know that that is realistic.
I depend on my SO for a whole host of other things and he depends on me. Not in unhealthy ways, but he is stronger in certain areas and I am stronger in other areas...so I don't know why this wouldn't be different?
For example, I am currently in school part-time and work full-time. Sometimes, he helps me study. Making good grades is my responsibility... but I am thankful that in my limited free-time, I can spend time with him while studying.4 -
iloveeggnog wrote: »Originally my husband said, "I give it two days". Which, of course, meant I had to do it forever hahaha. But truly, he has become a very important part of this process. We live together and eat together and share a life together...so of course my success is his success too! It would make me very sad to be sabotaged by someone playing such a near and dear role in my world.
He has become my biggest cheerleader. He asks about details of my runs and we compare past and present runs together. He does a LOT of the cooking. So some days, he'll say, sorry you're on your own and he will make some fried, cheesy, goodness with a bazillion calories. But other days he'll say, hey, I made your favourite fish or save some calories for chicken parm tomorrow night or whatever.
He did have to learn pretty quickly that I dont need him to police my food choices. That I can eat anything as long as it is planned for and fits my calories. That was hurtful at first cause I knew I was doing right and yet having my choices pointed out as bad. But he learned hahah.
He has also been encouraging in terms of accommodating my meal prep and work out schedules. He has stepped up to help with my Mom and with more household things so that I have more time to do what needs to be done.
He is not the reason why I am succeeding on this journey. It is a total life style change...and as a significant part of my life, he sure helps!!
Love this! It's true that they can be an important part of the process. My SO is always wanting to support my journey, but I never really know what to tell him. Today, I was thinking... Okay.. he can't lose the weight for me, but we can structure our time on the weekends to include meal prepping (he is an amazing cook) and some active fun.2 -
If I had a dollar for all of the boyfriends/girlfriends here on MFP flying over the chicken coop in the last few months due to their dieting struggles. Girlfriends have left boyfriends and wives have left husbands and husbands have left wives. No one is immune.
Take full responsibility for yourself. Motivation and willpower are limited resources. They're rooted in feelings and that's why they run out. When you let the motivational type of feelings drive your behavior and entangling that with love it can weigh others down.
They can become bored out of their minds and distracted with all of the weight loss encouragement. It's too much.
They may start looking at the handwriting on the wall waaaay on down the road. Take full responsibility for yourself.2 -
Diatonic12 wrote: »If I had a dollar for all of the boyfriends/girlfriends here on MFP flying over the chicken coop in the last few months due to their dieting struggles. Girlfriends have left boyfriends and wives have left husbands and husbands have left wives. No one is immune.
Take full responsibility for yourself. Motivation and willpower are limited resources. They're rooted in feelings and that's why they run out. When you let the motivational type of feelings drive your behavior and entangling that with love it can weigh others down.
They can become bored out of their minds and distracted with all of the weight loss encouragement. It's too much.
They may start looking at the handwriting on the wall waaaay on down the road. Take full responsibility for yourself.
Diatonic, I don't believe you are actually reading my post. I think you may be having a knee-jerk reaction to past posts, because I have not said one-time not to take responsibility for yourself. I am also not looking for a spouse to be my sole "motivation" or "will power". You are responding to someone else.
SO's are part of life. It is not realistic to live in a bubble; people live in community.4 -
My husband and I have entirely different eating habits. I am a fruit and vegetable lover, eat fish several days per week, some chicken, but no red meat. I do most of my cooking at home and this works well for me. My husband loves red meat and pork, eats meat at almost every meal, covers everything in cheese, dislikes the smell and texture of most vegetables (he will eat onion rings, baked beans, and coleslaw). He loves to eat out for the variety and chance to order whatever he wants. He doesn't eat fruit. He has extreme morbidly obesity and serious health problems due to a lifetime of eating this way. I changed my habits 6 years ago after I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and pre diabetes. I went from 203 pounds to my current weight of 150, and am still working to take off another 10 pounds (slow and steady weight loss seems to work best in middle age). I exercise daily. He spends most of the day seated and watches TV in bed in the evenings. Under these circumstances I don't discuss weight with him and he makes fun of my eating habits. I used to try to get him to make changes, but realized it only frustrated him and made him more determined to eat whatever he wanted and drink lots of soda. Every time he sees a doctor, they suggest he have bariatric surgery. He needs a surgery for GERD, Barrett's esophagus, and scar tissue in his esophagus, but the doctor told him he needed bariatric surgery first. The surgeon said he was in too bad a shape to have surgery without complications. He said no to bariatric surgery and told the doctor he would lose weight on his own. This hasn't happened, unfortunately. After eating or even at the table, he often vomits up the food he is eating so I know he is in bad shape. I wish with all my heart he would take care of himself but I have realized that even the threat of throat cancer and constant reflux and vomiting has not inspired him to do so. So we don't talk about it at all. He does his food and I do mine.
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My husband is an incredibly supportive partner. We support each other. When we first got together he weighed at least 350, ate fast food every meal. In the last three years we've been together, he has gone from a meataholic to eating vegetarian/vegan with me since my meat allergy has made itself known. He's also lost 110 lbs. We keep each other going and moving. If one of us doesn't want to walk, we convince each other that we have a goal to meet, and we go.6
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@kristingjertsen I am sorry to hear that. I do think that you have done awesome given the situation! 203 to 150 is amazing!
@kittengirl88 Love that! My boyfriend has become a lot more aware of his eating habits even though he doesn't have a big weight problem. It is funny how being with another person can influence your day to day decisions. It is sweet of him to be vegetarian with you!1 -
Oh gosh my husband does so much. This would be so much harder if I didn't have him on my team facilitating my good habits.
-I used to do all of the cooking because I love it and I like being 100% in control of what I'm eating, but these days there's a lot of times I just can't be on my feet that long. Instead of cooking things he's familiar with (which are never low-cal haha), husband has been using my recipes and asking me if I make any modifications. He cuts way down on the oil now automatically.
-When he packs up lunch in the morning while I'm getting ready, he weighs calorie-dense snacks like nuts for me so I don't have to guess at calories.
-He's trying to lose weight, but he wouldn't be using MFP if I wasn't doing it. Him logging helps keep me from slacking off on my logging.
-If I haven't gotten my steps in for the day, he'll offer to go for a walk with me, even if he's been on his feet all day.
-He likes making tea for me in the mornings and before bed, it's a bit of a ritual and it's special to him. If I've told him I'm avoiding alcohol on a particular day, he'll make me the fancy tea instead of the everyday tea so I feel like I'm getting a treat.
-If I'm having an emotional day related to my body, he always listens and gives me hugs. He never acts like hearing how I'm feeling is an annoyance or a burden.2 -
My partner does a lot. She weighs and writes everything down when she cooks, she knows what foods are problematic calorie-wise, for example how much oil to put in a meal without it going over the top.
She's encouraging of my exercising and proud of me for being consistent. Her help and attitude certainly make things easier and many things less time consuming. As a PhD students and working full time, time is something I'm always short on.
So I'm very lucky I have so much help and support. I also help and support her in different ways. That aspect of our relationship was always there, but now includes me losing weight as well.2 -
I think it depends on the dynamics in the relationship. We each fulfill certain roles. The roles we play allow each of us to use our strengths, and handle things we enjoy or at least tolerate more than the other. Like I do very little yard work and most of the cooking. I don't like yard work, Hubs enjoys it. And I find it reasonably easy to be meticulous in details when I cook. He would not take the time to weigh everything out, jot down notes, etc. So when he cooks I have to choose to wing it (for calories, nutrition logging) or make my own food.
He does know this is important to me. I tend to pick most of the time if we are going to eat out, because the nutritional content/information availability is relevant to me. Yet occasionally, I will go with somewhere he wants even if it does not really 'fit' me, because that is only fair.
I would not say I feel a lack of support from Hubs in my fitness journey - but that there are only so many things he can do. So much of it falls on my shoulders.0 -
chocolate_owl wrote: »he'll make me the fancy tea instead of the everyday tea so I feel like I'm getting a treat.
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That is sooooo adorable! I love the idea of having a "fancy tea".
@sign_painter Time is always racing by and I would imagine getting a PHD while working full time is a doozy. I'm getting my community college education while working full time and it can be so much, already... then adding weight loss to the mix (mainly food prep) can be a lot. Glad your partner helps!
@nanastaci2020 I definitely agree that it depends on dynamics. Your roles with your hubs reminds me of my bff and her hubby. She hates doing laundry and he hates doing yard work. For years, they were always getting frustrated at the other one because they would both put off those things. One day, they just decided to swap and it worked like a charm... he does the laundry and she does the yard work. And it totally works for them!
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Well, my husband inadvertently motivated me by saying that I would never stick with it. Now everytime I feel tired and want to sit around, I remind myself that I would be letting him win.
He’s incredibly supportive in all other areas and he doesn’t try to sabotage my diet (at least not that often lol). He just doesn’t care what he weighs or if he eats healthy, so he doesn’t go out of his way to eat better around me or anything like that. Nor should he as it’s his choice as to whether or not he wants to eat better and lose weight and I have to be able to control what I’m eating regardless of what he’s eating.3 -
breefoshee wrote: »
So... no help from significant others at all? I don't know that that is realistic.
You do realize that not all of us have "significant others"?
And yes, we do have to do it all on our own, even if you don't believe that's realistic.
Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's great that you have a partner who is on board with you and supports your goals. I'm just pointing out that some of us don't have that, and we do just fine on our own.
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My husband has been so helpful as well. He started taking me for 40 min walks after supper every night for the past 3 months. He started in the beginning, because walking really helps me to stay out of depression, but it’s so helpful for weight loss too. We look forward to our post prandial walks, it’s like date night every night.
Also, he remarks on my ongoing slimming, which is great for morale when the scale hasn’t moved for awhile.2 -
Diatonic12 wrote: »It's too exhausting for others to keep us propped up. Take full responsibility for yourself or none of this will stick.
This is the way I approach this. It's not that he's not supportive, but at the end of the day it's me watching what I eat and making sure I get exercise in. Just like he's responsible for his health.2 -
Giiiiiiiirrrrrl I was in that boat for most of my life. lol I am 33 and have been single for the majority of my adulthood. This is my first serious relationship and that is part of the reason I am asking.GummiMundi wrote: »breefoshee wrote: »
So... no help from significant others at all? I don't know that that is realistic.
You do realize that not all of us have "significant others"? And yes, we do have to do it all on our own, even if you don't believe that's realistic.
Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's great that you have a partner who is on board with you and supports your goals. I'm just pointing out that some of us don't have that, and we do just fine on our own.
I have beeeeen doing it alone for all of my adult life. So having him want to help me is a complete mystery to me and I don't always know how to accept it.
But what I meant by my comment above is that I didn't think it was realistic to have a SO and not lean on them for things.
And now that I think about it, even when I was single, I had people who helped my journey along. They let me vent to them about weight loss frustrations, they worked out with me, when I was invited to their home they were courteous enough to consider my diet. I think that friends and community can really help-- again, not that my weight loss is their responsibility... but I love having supportive friends.1 -
breefoshee wrote: »
Giiiiiiiirrrrrl I was in that boat for most of my life. lol I am 33 and have been single for the majority of my adulthood. This is my first serious relationship and that is part of the reason I am asking.GummiMundi wrote: »breefoshee wrote: »
So... no help from significant others at all? I don't know that that is realistic.
You do realize that not all of us have "significant others"? And yes, we do have to do it all on our own, even if you don't believe that's realistic.
Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's great that you have a partner who is on board with you and supports your goals. I'm just pointing out that some of us don't have that, and we do just fine on our own.
I have beeeeen doing it alone for all of my adult life. So having him want to help me is a complete mystery to me and I don't always know how to accept it.
But what I meant by my comment above is that I didn't think it was realistic to have a SO and not lean on them for things.
And now that I think about it, even when I was single, I had people who helped my journey along. They let me vent to them about weight loss frustrations, they worked out with me, when I was invited to their home they were courteous enough to consider my diet. I think that friends and community can really help-- again, not that my weight loss is their responsibility... but I love having supportive friends.
Having outside people involved in my journey seems odd to me. I’m more of a dog person than people person though, so it’s probably just a matter of personal preference.
I don’t want to work out with others as I don’t need them interfering with my workout or schedule. I think that sounds more like social hour and I take my workouts seriously. To each their own though and if it works for you, great, but too often I’ve seen people who can ONLY work out with their friends and when one gives up the other does.
I’m doing this for ME, so I don’t need/want anyone to make any kind of changes for me. At work, if they order lunch, no one considers my diet because I don’t broadcast it to them. I politely turn down the offers of Chinese or pizza or whatever else they get because I have will power and don’t need them to change anything for me.2 -
Dogmom1978 wrote: »breefoshee wrote: »
Giiiiiiiirrrrrl I was in that boat for most of my life. lol I am 33 and have been single for the majority of my adulthood. This is my first serious relationship and that is part of the reason I am asking.GummiMundi wrote: »breefoshee wrote: »
So... no help from significant others at all? I don't know that that is realistic.
You do realize that not all of us have "significant others"? And yes, we do have to do it all on our own, even if you don't believe that's realistic.
Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's great that you have a partner who is on board with you and supports your goals. I'm just pointing out that some of us don't have that, and we do just fine on our own.
I have beeeeen doing it alone for all of my adult life. So having him want to help me is a complete mystery to me and I don't always know how to accept it.
But what I meant by my comment above is that I didn't think it was realistic to have a SO and not lean on them for things.
And now that I think about it, even when I was single, I had people who helped my journey along. They let me vent to them about weight loss frustrations, they worked out with me, when I was invited to their home they were courteous enough to consider my diet. I think that friends and community can really help-- again, not that my weight loss is their responsibility... but I love having supportive friends.
Having outside people involved in my journey seems odd to me. I’m more of a dog person than people person though, so it’s probably just a matter of personal preference.
I don’t want to work out with others as I don’t need them interfering with my workout or schedule. I think that sounds more like social hour and I take my workouts seriously. To each their own though and if it works for you, great, but too often I’ve seen people who can ONLY work out with their friends and when one gives up the other does.
I’m doing this for ME, so I don’t need/want anyone to make any kind of changes for me. At work, if they order lunch, no one considers my diet because I don’t broadcast it to them. I politely turn down the offers of Chinese or pizza or whatever else they get because I have will power and don’t need them to change anything for me.
Yup, this is me too! Given the chance to work out with others or leash up the dogs and workout with them .... I choose the dogs 1000% of the time.
What works for me ... My husband is not involved in my weight in any way because I don't find it necessary. It's up to me what I eat and how much I eat. I make the food so it's easy to make something that we both can enjoy and fits into my restrictions. Win win situation that he gets the food he wants and I get what I want as I can dish out his portion and add in ingredients I want or dish out mine and add in the ingredients that he wants. It's all about adapting to your own situation.2 -
Dogmom1978 wrote: »breefoshee wrote: »
Giiiiiiiirrrrrl I was in that boat for most of my life. lol I am 33 and have been single for the majority of my adulthood. This is my first serious relationship and that is part of the reason I am asking.GummiMundi wrote: »breefoshee wrote: »
So... no help from significant others at all? I don't know that that is realistic.
You do realize that not all of us have "significant others"? And yes, we do have to do it all on our own, even if you don't believe that's realistic.
Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's great that you have a partner who is on board with you and supports your goals. I'm just pointing out that some of us don't have that, and we do just fine on our own.
I have beeeeen doing it alone for all of my adult life. So having him want to help me is a complete mystery to me and I don't always know how to accept it.
But what I meant by my comment above is that I didn't think it was realistic to have a SO and not lean on them for things.
And now that I think about it, even when I was single, I had people who helped my journey along. They let me vent to them about weight loss frustrations, they worked out with me, when I was invited to their home they were courteous enough to consider my diet. I think that friends and community can really help-- again, not that my weight loss is their responsibility... but I love having supportive friends.
Having outside people involved in my journey seems odd to me. I’m more of a dog person than people person though, so it’s probably just a matter of personal preference.
I don’t want to work out with others as I don’t need them interfering with my workout or schedule. I think that sounds more like social hour and I take my workouts seriously. To each their own though and if it works for you, great, but too often I’ve seen people who can ONLY work out with their friends and when one gives up the other does.
I’m doing this for ME, so I don’t need/want anyone to make any kind of changes for me. At work, if they order lunch, no one considers my diet because I don’t broadcast it to them. I politely turn down the offers of Chinese or pizza or whatever else they get because I have will power and don’t need them to change anything for me.
I definitely think it is a preference. I have always been more of a social butterfly and a verbal processor. So any "diet" I have ever done, everybody and their mamma has known about it lol. I do tend to like working out alone as a rule, but love when social events include a walk or something active.
But I think the big difference is that I don't EXPECT people to do anything.... but I am grateful when they do. It would be unfair of me to go around mad at everyone for not catering to me. I don't expect my BF to do anything, but it is really nice when he wants to help.1 -
But I think the big difference is that I don't EXPECT people to do anything.... but I am grateful when they do. It would be unfair of me to go around mad at everyone for not catering to me. I don't expect my BF to do anything, but it is really nice when he wants to help. [/quote]
This is really true! It’s no good expecting anyone to do anything for you. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from 38 years of life, it’s that. But it sure is nice when someone does do something nice!! My motto is, expect nothing and appreciate everything!0
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