I feel so awkward

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AwesomeSquirrel
AwesomeSquirrel Posts: 632 Member
in Motivation and Support
I just need to vent a little... I’ve lost a significant amount of weight in the last 15 months, from around 135kg to 86kg. It is quite evident that I’ve shrunk. But to a lot of people it seems like this all happened since COVID, because of course with working from home they stopped seeing the gradual changes and probably kept thinking of me in my original state.

Anyway, I’ve met up with colleagues a couple of months ago and had some nice but slightly uncomfortable comments but yesterday we went out for a team dinner and the 2 women I work with were VERY vocal. Asking how much weight I’ve lost, saying they didn’t recognise me etc. I don’t like attention at the best of times and they weren’t really responding to my efforts to turn the conversation. In general my approach is to communicate that I agree that I’ve lost a fair amount of Weight, thank people for saying I look good, but not engage with a conversation for numbers or process. One of them was almost cross with me for not being more excited about my weight loss.

I told them I don’t really enjoy the topic and would rather talk about something else. I think these are both people who appreciate external validation so I’m sure they mean well but to me discussing my weight loss and Is just a giant reminder of the state I was in and there is emotional baggage that goes along with that I’m not ready to dive into.

Not necessarily looking for solutions to this situation, just want to articulate my feelings somewhere as I feel quite alone right now and sitting with these feelings is uncomfortable 😔

I can appreciate people saying I look well/fit/good/tan/whatever but I just don’t want to dwell on the topic where you shine a spotlight on me (my past issues).

Replies

  • LunaTheFatCat
    LunaTheFatCat Posts: 237 Member
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    I understand what you're saying as I would never bring up the weight loss subject myself, but at the same time, why not enjoy the compliments and enjoy the new you?
    Maybe this will help you be a little more confident?
  • nasr25
    nasr25 Posts: 214 Member
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    I personally wouldn’t mind the compliments and talking about the process cause it might help someone in a similar situation. However if you don’t want to talk about it that’s your choice. Usually people believe people who lost weight like being complimented on their effort. Everyone appreciates external value to some degree I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. But they should have respected the fact you didn’t want to talk about it in depth and left it alone.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
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    It's only temporary. When people become accustomed to seeing you the comments and even compliments begin to fade away. That's difficult for some but you're going to sail right through it.
  • mom23mangos
    mom23mangos Posts: 3,070 Member
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    Diatonic12 wrote: »
    It's only temporary. When people become accustomed to seeing you the comments and even compliments begin to fade away. That's difficult for some but you're going to sail right through it.

    This. It was the suddenness (to them) that shocked them. I had a similiar situation with a co-worker. Hadn't seen them in person for months and months and then when I did, they had lost a LOT of weight. To me, an almost unhealthy amount. Immediate first thoughts were 'Oh no, he's got cancer or something!' But a very gentle inquiry revealed he had just found a new love for long distance running. It took a bit, but we all got used to his new look and now don't think anything about it.

    I think most people never know how to handle weight loss in social situations. Either people get mad because we congratulate them and ask about it, or they get mad because no one congratulates them or asks about it and they think no one cares or notices.
  • AwesomeSquirrel
    AwesomeSquirrel Posts: 632 Member
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    Diatonic12 wrote: »
    It's only temporary. When people become accustomed to seeing you the comments and even compliments begin to fade away. That's difficult for some but you're going to sail right through it.

    I hope so. I kind of just want these last few years to fade away. Yes, I recognise that this is not the healthiest outlook to have.
    LunaTheFatCat wrote: »
    I understand what you're saying as I would never bring up the weight loss subject myself, but at the same time, why not enjoy the compliments and enjoy the new you?
    Maybe this will help you be a little more confident?

    I guess I hear those compliments with an echo of “it was so bad before”. But yes, I do enjoy the more casual compliments that occur time to time.
    MaltedTea wrote: »

    I just chalk everything up to everyone being weird at every moment and give people a bit of grace if I can muster it in the moment.

    But you were graceful - and PATIENT AF - with your responses! Good on you!

    Yes, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and understand they probably hadn’t considered my viewpoint. And I consider my behaviour a NSV even though the evening left me with an emotional hangover today.

    I will say that I thought it was a bit tactless as I had already steered the topic away from weight loss once in a 1:1 setting, so then bringing it up again in front of the full group at the dinner table wasn’t great. I think I may have been marginally more comfortable had it been raised in a more private setting. People ARE weird.
    mom23mangos wrote: »
    I think most people never know how to handle weight loss in social situations. Either people get mad because we congratulate them and ask about it, or they get mad because no one congratulates them or asks about it and they think no one cares or notices.

    Haha it’s a minefield, however you turn your tail is behind you!

  • ahoy_m8
    ahoy_m8 Posts: 3,052 Member
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    Thank you for posting this, OP. You say your are just venting, but you are also sharing insights that can be useful to others. We never really know how other people experience stuff (and the baggage as you say), so it's a good reminder on why it is a good idea to respect boundaries when someone says something like, "I don't like talking about it."

    It sounds like you have astute awareness of self and others and handled it as deftly as possible. The repeat offense -- bringing it up in a group AFTER you had already expressed the boundary 1:1-- was a clear boundary trespass. That is on them. Bummer you're dealing with the hangover effect. If you can, try leaving the trash on their side of the street and enjoy your present tense. :flowerforyou:
  • AbiMartel207
    AbiMartel207 Posts: 6 Member
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    I 100% agree with you on this. I never comment on peoples weight, tbh I hardly notice peoples size both height or measurements. I grew up with a mum who always carried extra weight and felt the world was judging her; and a dad who was completely oblivious to her size as he just loves her for being her (they're married 40 years this weekend). My point is, many people who are self -conscious about their size DO NOT WANT a spotlight put on it. For me, if people notice when I lose weight and congratulate me, are they also noticing when I gain weight and are silently judging? Your colleagues should have taken the hint and moved the conversation on. My weight goes up and down by 20lbs in a cycle of about two years depending on my stress and activity levels. I always get people interested in my clothes size and I would prefer if they weren't. On a happier note - congrats to you for making progress towards your personal goal x
  • AwesomeSquirrel
    AwesomeSquirrel Posts: 632 Member
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    NovusDies wrote: »
    I would rather be boringly normal because so many people are losing weight and keeping it off successfully.

    This is amazing, well put!
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 32,154 Member
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    I don't know if it's any consolation, but it won't last. It'll take a while - probably longer because of the social isolation from the pandemic making their mental image of you as larger persist longer that it would've normally, unfortunately.

    While I'm not self-conscious about my weight loss (or people mentioning it) in the same way you seem to be, I do find it kind of a boring topic of conversation. After people had seen me a few times, after it had been talked about it a few times in various social group configurations, and after I'd been at goal weight for a few months, people lost interest. Thin Ann became normal Ann. Now (5+ years into maintenance), a lot of my long-term friends seem to have forgotten that I was ever obese. If I bring up some aspect of it in conversation - like when people are talking about their weight loss strategies - some of them mostly look at me like a 3-headed pony who couldn't possibly know anything about weight loss, because I'm thin. I find that pretty funny, actually. Once in a blue moon someone will say that it's nice I've been able to keep the weight off, but that's as far as it goes.

    Until it blows over, I find the best tactic for changing the subject is to start asking them detailed questions (with follow up questions) about some part of their life that's important to them - not something embarassing to them, but something they like to talk about. The follow-up questions are a very crucial part of it. Get 'em talking about them, keep 'em talking about them. 😉 You don't have to be interested, you just have to convincingly act interested.🤣

    P.S. After a while, I found I *was* interested. That was weird.
  • suzij27
    suzij27 Posts: 199 Member
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    @AwesomeSquirrel - Thank you for your post. I want to compliment you on how you are working through this. I believe that your observations of yourself and reflection on discomforts will help you in maintenance.

    I too am not interested in discussing my weight loss at length with most people. I’m not doing it for attention, I’m doing it for my health. I understand that people will comment. After losing and regaining numerous times in my life, I have to be watchful for the times I am uncomfortable with the attention so I don’t hide out and eat over it.
  • NovusDies
    NovusDies Posts: 8,940 Member
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    I think asking me the exact amount I have lost is rude so I have to fight my urge to give a rude answer. It kind of goes with my desire to answer a stupid question with a stupid answer, and YES, there are stupid questions out there.

    I usually though will say one of the following:

    More than a lot, less than a ton.
    More than I currently weigh
    on MFP: More than 250 pounds

    If someone makes a big deal about how much I have lost I will refer to it as "a little" just to be argumentative.
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 32,154 Member
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    AwesomeSquirrel wrote: »
    I wanted to come back and post an update:

    On Saturday I had a padel game (like a tennis/squash hybrid) and afterwards one of the women I play with asked/told me that I had lost a lot of weight. She then followed up by asking how much I had lost and I told her (without feeling uncomfortable). She also said I looked radiant which I thought was nice ☺️

    Anyway I’ve been thinking about what was different between this interaction and Thursday. One thing that stands out is that this is someone I met in mid January , after I was well on my way with weight loss. So while I told her I lost around 20kg since I met her but more overall I think I was less embarrassed because she doesn’t know the true starting point.

    I guess I may also be more comfortable with comments delivered in a fitness context (it feels more relevant?) and although I don’t know her well the woman feels very secure and non-judgmental. Maybe it’s just easier to be frank with someone you only see in a limited context 🤷‍♀️ Or perhaps processing this incident shifted my mindset a little. So many options! I’ll be curious to monitor how I react to future interactions.

    I want to thank and compliment you for coming back, and for thinking this through so introspectively and insightfully. That's an excellent example.

    I'm a strong believer, personally, in focusing on what I can control or influence, in an effort to improve my life and happiness. Obviously, other people's behavior/reactions figure into my life and happiness, but they're things I can only influence a little, at best. For sure, personality transplants are not a thing I can perform on others, much as I might feel certain key individuals could benefit from one. 😉

    That you seem to be driving yourself toward planning your responses, and managing your feelings in those cases so you can let it go and those people who are inappropriate don't ruin your day with their nonsense: That's IMO a productive approach, and inspiring.

    Thanks for the update!
  • dolliesdaughter
    dolliesdaughter Posts: 544 Member
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    After you thank them and inform them that you dont want to discuss, THEY are the offending party. Smile, do not engage, continue to discuss other things, if they have a small lick of sense they will catch on, maybe a little late.

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