Feels Impossible Now - Blatherings From The Old And Broken

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PurringMyrrh
PurringMyrrh Posts: 5,296 Member
edited November 2020 in Motivation and Support
At 24, it felt possible. I could find the physical and mental motivation to at least start. Hell, even put it to good use and lost 80 pounds a couple of times (only to gain it back, plus, so here we are again *non-covid cough*).

At 43 and 280 (5' 7"), it feels the furthest from possible. The motivation train left the station for the last time without me and I dont even know when it departed. Just. Gone. I wake up daily already tired, but anxious. I eat like shyte. I go to work, which thankfully is a hella physical job cuz it's my only exercise, struggle through the whole gig, and can think about nothing more than all the stressful things and plopping my aching fatness into my recliner, then bed. Wake up, repeat, x infinity. Completely stuck in the self-imposed imaginary rut. A rut so deep it's hard to see the top if the sides cuz dirt keeps falling in my eyes when I look up. (Accidentally typo'd "diet" instead of dirt there 😄🤔)

At 20, lost 40 pounds on Herbalife, gained back+

At 24, lost 80 pounds with Sweatin to the Oldies and eating one huge meal a day, gained back+

At 26, lost 80 with walking and Atkins, gained back+

At 37, lost 30 pounds with MFP, eating decent, and doing Stronglifts, gained back+...but...I know this is my route to take. I should never have stopped for a holiday break when I was barely getting dedicated and seeing improvment. THIS path is what I need to revisit. I just need to find the trailhead. I felt fantastic (compared to now) and that 30 pound loss looked like 50+ because of the lifting. I felt productive at work and had "energy" to accomplish at least small tasks outside of work instead of sitting paralyzed in my chair, afraid to expend energy I need to get through my shift.

Im close to even forgetting how amazing that felt because it seems as if it was lifetimes ago. Lifetimes that werent even mine. How to I take a walk when every step feels like impossible sludge? How do I drink a gallon of water when I cant even remember a quart? How do I meal prep when I cant even find energy to clean the kitchen? How do I find the trailhead when Im just aimlessly boonie crashin'? I know the answers...somewhere in there...

In summary - ugh, here we are again.

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  • jamloche
    jamloche Posts: 109 Member
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    Hi! You've crafted a very well written post here.

    I've got a lot of similar stories ... snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. I know how soul-crushing it can feel ... thinking of the life I could be living if only I hadn't done _____. But I get a little strength from just saying to myself, "my past failures don't define WHO I AM. They define WHO I USED TO BE, and WHO I WILL BE remains to be seen."

    After losing and gaining over and over, I think of this latest cycle of weight loss as just one more in that list. The only difference is that this is the one that will end with the words, " ... and he never gained the weight back again."

    You have my best wishes.
  • nanastaci2020
    nanastaci2020 Posts: 1,072 Member
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    Perhaps don't focus on the end goal. Would it help to think about the first 5-10 pounds, tracking your calories in, and being in control of food by planning, choosing what to eat?
  • NovusDies
    NovusDies Posts: 8,940 Member
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    If it feels impossible then the good news is you are not likely to be highly ambitious in developing your plan.

    Stop worrying about exercise and drinking a gallon of water.

    Get into to losing weight first before you exercise. Give yourself a chance to start feeling a little better. Exercise is important but not for weight loss. Consider it part of your fitness goals.

    Drink enough so that your urine runs mostly clear after 10a. You only need to be properly hydrated not over-hydrated. You get water from food and every other thing you drink too. If you are not moving that much why in the world would you ever need a gallon of water? That is just a miserable thing to do to yourself.

    For right now your goal is to lose .285 pounds per day. That is hardly an impossible amount of weight. There is no reason to try and wrestle that little bit out of you. Just create a deficit and let it happen. Tomorrow your goal will be the same.

    If you add up ALL the weight you have lost since you were 24 it still doesn't add up to (close though) how much I have lost in the last 3 years. I did it a fraction of a pound per day... most days... not all days.
  • SwtHedgehog
    SwtHedgehog Posts: 174 Member
    edited November 2020
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    There's a thread on either the motivation tab or the success tab that's called something like,"just for today" where people put a goal just for that day. It's easier to tackle one day than to constantly focus just on the long term, especially in the beginning. I recomend reading/skimming through it to get ideas and motivation. Often just reading it sparks ideas of something easy/exciting to start with.

    When I start feeling overwhelmed or unmotivated,, I find it easier to focus on something smaller. I will sometimes create little challeges/dares for myself. I had started becoming less active with all the 2020 stuff going on. I challenged my self to do yoga daily for x amount of time. There were times/days where I didn't want to do it, but because it was a challenge I put on myself, I did it. Eventually, I liked how I felt with it, I kept the habit.

    Feel free to message me (is that a feature?) if you need to chat.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,931 Member
    edited November 2020
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    You sound like you're over thinking it. You have a Hella physical job, so you say... take exercise off your mind and just do it if and when you feel up to it. If you dont want to meal plan, don't. I've been flying by the seat of my pants and doing just fine. Just have a general idea how many calories you want each meal and leave some unaccounted for so that you have buffer and snacking room.

    Maybe after you lose some you'll find you have more energy or that the walk is more enticing.

    Take baby steps. Start with a deficit. You dont have to take it exhaustingly all on on day 1. Build up to it.
  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,287 Member
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    It is a real thing.. running out of will power because you've been there done that so many times. it happened to me. I actually thought.. I think I'm stuck being 30 pounds overweight forever..because I just don't want to do it again. It has nothing to do with being able.

    Then, poof! One day it came back and I lost it all and it was so wonderful. I have gained some back during the lockdown..but have the eye of the tiger here to get it off before Thanksgiving.

    You're on the right path.. you're wondering why.. open to it coming back and it will.
  • 88olds
    88olds Posts: 4,466 Member
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    Consider this- maybe getting back to what you did before isn’t the answer. Look at the end result. Maybe you need a new approach.

    You’re right about this- you won’t do anything without hope. No one will. I was 44 yrs old. I had HBP, sleep apnea complete with CPAP, debilitating back pain that prevented me from walking more than a block at a time, and a seemingly permanent cough. We had 2 little kids at home. I thought I would die soon. Then it occurred to me that an even more likely outcome was a debilitating stroke. I was afraid.

    How I found hope- as stupid as it may seem-
    But first I had to get over this hump, I had to at least think about trying to change. For a long time I wouldn’t let thoughts of change into my head because if I tried and failed I would be in even worse shape. But it got down to competing fears, fear for myself v fear for my family and fear for my family won out. Leaving 2 little kids with no dad because he fatted himself to death was the thing I wouldn’t do. I vowed to change, but how?

    My first plan was to pack up and go far into the north woods. I’d take an exercise bike, carefully counted food supplies and enough books and movies to see me through winter. I could see this working. The effect was unbelievable. I felt a rush, giddy- it would work. I could lose weight. But no my wife wouldn’t go for it. Not practical. Ok. On to plan B.

    I’d set up the same thing on the second floor of our house. No going downstairs. Ever. My wife would bring all my food upstairs. This would work. I could see it. Wait. No, my wife wouldn’t go for that either.

    I warned you that this was stupid but it felt amazing. In less than 2 minutes I had made 2 plans by which I would lose weight. 2. They would both work. I could do it. The only problem was they were impractical. Why? Then the lightbulb moment- the issue wasn’t just weight loss, the issue was living my life while I did it. A fat farm would work but too expensive. This was years before Biggest Loser. But suddenly it seemed possible. I could see it. I had hope.

    Personally I think the gym is overrated as a weight loss strategy. I can undo an hour at the gym in 2 minutes with a fork in my hand. In the end, weight loss was a long project. But I lost 100+ lbs. Been maintaining for years. And I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am if I hadn’t take up calorie counting. It works. But I’ll spare you that pitch except to say that there is a long calorie counting learning curve. A lot of folks are too quick to quit if they don’t get immediate results.

    Take heart. There’s a way out. We only get one life. If you don’t like the way yours is going you have a right to change it and you can. Friend me if you want to or keep posting here and people will walk you through the steps. You don’t have to settle for less than what you want. You can do this. Really.

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