Mental Block / Self Sabotage?

mw00087 · November 2020

Hi guys!

I hope you're all well. I wanted to ask you, do any of you think you have a mental block when it comes to weight-loss; that pushes you to Self-Sabotage?

I work out 5 days a week; and have done for many years, and although i've lost a lot of weight i'm still considered overweight. I feel like, somehow i'm actually scared of losing the weight. Does anyone feel the same?

It's like, I've been overweight for so long, what happens when I'm not overweight anymore?

I don't like wearing certain clothes because i'm overweight. I don't like going to parties because i'm overweight. I don't like taking photos because i'm overweight. Well; what happens when I'm not overweight anymore?

What excuse will I have? How will I handle a social situation where someone doesn't like me? Not because i'm fat, because I wouldn't be fat anymore, just because! It's like, i'm so used to telling myself that I don't / can't do something because i'm fat, that I feel like i'm deliberately self sabotaging because i'm afraid of not being fat; and no longer having that excuse.

Does that make sense? Can anyone relate? If you dealt with this; how did you push through?

emmies_123 · November 2020

First of all, huge *HUGS* for reaching out

I have not dealt with this from a fat/thin standpoint, but I did from a weak/strong standpoint. I pushed through mostly by taking everything one day at a time and telling myself that I was worth this change. Reminding myself that everything is a process, you don't get to the big end goal as soon as you decide you want to go for it.

The weight loss is going to be so gradual as you get closer to your goal weight that you are going to have time to adjust to the new you in the mirror. And I bet when your current clothes no longer fit because they are too baggy, you will feel great buying some new ones a size (or two) smaller. You say you don't like going to parties because you are overweight...what if you just don't like going to parties? It is ok to not like things that society seems to think are normal parts of life. Maybe you just aren't a photo person, that is ok.

I want you to go and look in the mirror each morning and tell yourself "I love who I am today. I love who I am becoming." Look at what makes you who you are. And try not to worry what others think about you. You might be thinking they are staring because of your weight or whatever you are self-conscious about in the future, but maybe they are staring because your hair/makeup/smile are amazing and they don't know how to tell you. Maybe they love your outfit. Maybe they look up to you for reasons they aren't comfortable telling you.

Diatonic12 · November 2020

There are some tips in here that apply to self-sabotage, too.

https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10808856/counting-calories-makes-me-binge/p1

mw00087 · November 2020

Thank you @emmies_123 for taking the time to write that out. Weightloss is something I have struggled with for a long time and I just don't get it. I have run several marathons & several half marathons. I've run several businesses that have all made a decent profit. I've got to Uni and got good grades; and paid off my student debt quickly. When I commit; I commit. I'm someone that gets it done. Weightloss has always bloody eluded me though! Lol! I've never been able to get it down, all the way down to the "goal weight"; I usually quit. Thank you so much for your kind response.

emmies_123 · November 2020

mw00087 wrote: »

Thank you @emmies_123 for taking the time to write that out. Weightloss is something I have struggled with for a long time and I just don't get it. I have run several marathons & several half marathons. I've run several businesses that have all made a decent profit. I've got to Uni and got good grades; and paid off my student debt quickly. When I commit; I commit. I'm someone that gets it done. Weightloss has always bloody eluded me though! Lol! I've never been able to get it down, all the way down to the "goal weight"; I usually quit. Thank you so much for your kind response.

Well now I look up to you! I can barely run (was starting to practice before I broke my foot, gotta re-start from scratch early next year). I have never worked for myself and not sure I ever could without taking on too much anxiety. Can relate to the student loans though, felt so great to pay those off!

Weightloss isn't a quick fix. I came to it gradually and allowed myself time to get used to each step, and I've managed to keep up with maintenance now I'm at goal (two years later). I even managed to maintain for the two months I could barely move with the broken foot. Set yourself a small goal (calorie counting, one macro to track, one meal to change/snacktime to eliminate). Make that a habit, then set a new goal. I found I do better when I think of it as challenging my self-imposed limits. Seeing what I am capable of, instead of thinking about what I'm used to or "can't" do.

Lietchi · November 2020

I had a mental block myself, but not in the same way.
I wasn't worried about 'who I would be' after losing weight or not being able to use my weight as an excuse.
But I was
- worried about loose skin if I did lose weight
- worried that my attempt wouldn't work (my mom has been saying all her life that she isn't capable of losing weight, gaining weight gradually - I assumed it was 'genetic')
- worried that my attempt would work, but then backfire and I'd end up even more obese and/or with a messed up metabolism (thanks to pseudo-scientific articles etc.)

I'm not quite sure how I got over these blocks. There was no 'aha' moment. I think somewhere along the way the downsides started to outweigh the mental blocks: it took ages before I managed to change jobs (prejudice towards obesity), more and more difficulties finding clothes, more and more difficulties being physically active...
I'm not even sure when my mind was finally ready. But looking back, I actually started my weight loss right after I had come to a sort of acceptance of myself as I was. I had just bought clothes that not only fit (were big enough) but that I felt good in. In accepting myself, I was finally ready for weight loss?

I've never really used obesity as an excuse, but reading your post, it seems to me that you're afraid of the unknown? 'Rediscovering' yourself is something a lot of people find exhilarating and freeing, not being held back anymore by our weight. But you're not obligated to start doing all these things you didn't do before. It might take time to distinguish things you really don't like and things you avoided because of your weight.
As an introvert, I have never liked parties - being obese made me even more socially awkward but that dislike of parties has always been there

I've also never really liked getting my picture taken (of course much worse when obese). It's okay to say no because you simply don't like something, no excuses needed! It's okay to be yourself.
On the other hand, my avoidance of more strenuous physical activities was certainly due to my weight (fear of not keeping up, being embarassed,...). And having lost 50 lbs feels very liberating, my last holiday abroad was so much more pleasant, for me AND my boyfriend, since I wasn't holding him back anymore during our hikes. Perhaps you have potential positives like that you can focus on, to avoid your mental block?

NovusDies · November 2020

My group and I discuss something I call fat brain. I assume I am not the first to call it that. It is the mental baggage that exists when weight is carried for a long time and habits form around it. It took me some time to stop looking for an oversized chair for instance. I was reluctant to wear tighter fitting clothes. There have been hundreds of little things and probably more I have yet to identify.

There are areas of purely mental baggage. Being heavily obese was part of my identity for most of my life. I am now a different version of myself that requires definition.

There are also areas of using weight as a defense or an excuse. We have seen some threads here from people who do not like the unwanted sexual attention they are receiving as they lost weight. I am a not young guy and even I have caught a little of that. You say you do not want to go to parties. Do you really want to go to parties? There is nothing wrong with not wanting to go. I have attended many more parties out of obligation than actual desire and I have not had a great time at many of the latter.

It might help to redefine what additional weight loss will mean to you that you earnestly care about.

NovusDies · November 2020

mw00087 wrote: »

Thank you @emmies_123 for taking the time to write that out. Weightloss is something I have struggled with for a long time and I just don't get it. I have run several marathons & several half marathons. I've run several businesses that have all made a decent profit. I've got to Uni and got good grades; and paid off my student debt quickly. When I commit; I commit. I'm someone that gets it done. Weightloss has always bloody eluded me though! Lol! I've never been able to get it down, all the way down to the "goal weight"; I usually quit. Thank you so much for your kind response.

This sounds very familiar to me. For years I have had a blind spot with my weight. I have accomplished many things but they were things for which I could be objective and rational. I am a phenomenal troubleshooter. I have above average pattern recognition. However, weight loss was an area where I had no objectivity and I was seldom rational. I did not see my patterns of failure or think of ways to solve them they didn't involve personal blame. If repeating the same course of action expecting a different result is insane I was a raving lunatic.

It took accidentally losing weight to give me my light bulb moment. The floodgate opened and I was finally able to use the tools in my box. Since then I have made it a mission to understand more of how all this works and help others do the same.

ETA: What really helped me here was wrapping all of it up in an education. I was my own test subject and in viewing it that way I more readily accepted the imperfections, mistakes, and weak moments as interesting data points. If I learned what I need to learn and adapt the process I could guide my subject to a favorable outcome.

mw00087 · November 2020

Hey @Lietchi thanks for this. Yes; I need to focus on the positives. I think the weight has just been an "issue" for so long, i'm just used to it I guess. I am a freelancer and have had the same client for 3 years and do you know what, I've never met them. I've literally never gone to meet them because I felt like I'd be judged. I'm down 60ish-lbs and am still scared to go meet them. It's like; what if I lose the weight and nothing changes. And honestly, deep down, I know it's not the weight. It has nothing to do with the weight, but I seem to have attached everything to a "magical number"; and the further away I get from that number, the more anxious etc I get. Sorry for the rant. I'll keep working and moving forward I promise

mw00087 · November 2020

Thanks so much for the comment @NovusDies. Tbh; I probably just don't want to go to the parties. Even if I had the chance, i'd probably choose to stay in and watch Netflix with the GF lol! I guess I just have to accept that it's not the weight; I just don't want to. Thanks again.

tulips_and_tea · November 2020

mw00087 wrote: »

Thanks so much for the comment @NovusDies. Tbh; I probably just don't want to go to the parties. Even if I had the chance, i'd probably choose to stay in and watch Netflix with the GF lol! I guess I just have to accept that it's not the weight; I just don't want to. Thanks again.

And there's nothing wrong with that! Be yourself - your TRUE self no matter what your size is.

I also fully agree with @Lietchi, "It's okay to say no because you simply don't like something, no excuses needed! It's okay to be yourself." I always told my son, "No" is a full sentence. No excuses or reasons needed. Set your boundaries and enforce them. You're the only one who can.

GrizzledSquirrel · November 2020

@mw00087 I obviously don’t know you, so this might be way off the mark; but here’s a slightly different perspective for you to consider, based on some of the things you have written.

I feel that the term: “self-sabotage” is frequently mis-used - and it immediately rings alarm bells whenever I hear it. There is a genuine place for it, of course, but I think it is often used by people who like to be in control. It conveniently describes when they haven’t achieved something - and makes it feel like a choice (albeit, a sub-conscious one).

Calling it “self-sabotage” implies that your sub-conscious actively prevented you from achieving a goal. You CHOSE to fail because you didn’t really want it anyway (lessening the value of the goal also lessens the pain of not achieving it). Is that REALLY the case? Or is it a means of protecting yourself from failure?

You are clearly a high-achieving individual, with many talents and successes under your belt (running profitable businesses). You are also goal-driven (academic results, marathons) and when you “commit you commit”.

Sounds like you’re an all or nothing kind of person.

Thing is - when you get closer to goal weight (and that’s assuming your goal weight is realistic in the first place) - it IS harder. Progress is slower. It gets boring, goals become hazy, we get lazy, we let more “cheats” slip-in. It’s normal. Thing is - keeping up a consistent, steady, “boring” weight loss probably doesn’t spark your talent for achieving “amazing things”. Maybe you’re just not particularly good at this side of things. And that’s totally fine, but it also might not be what you want to hear. You’re somebody who is GOOD at things. When you fail, you CHOOSE to, right?

Failure has become a dirty word. In forums like this - nobody will ever say “you failed, mate”. It is better to say, “well you didn’t quite achieve your goal, but you’re a step further, towards your goal” etc, etc.

I say “RECLAIM FAILURE”. Own it. True failure is great. Failure allows us to recognise our true weaknesses, more acutely - and identify what causes us to fail, else we’ll never figure out new ways to achieve our goals - and in ways that suit our own personality.

The mistake that people make is to translate: “I failed” to “I am a failure”. Failure is a fact, not an emotion.

That’s why, if you’re going to use the term “self-sabotage”, be honest about whether that IS truly what you are experiencing - or is there something more painful to control - i.e. that you - a massive high-achiever - have (to date), failed to reach your goal weight - which is something you REALLY want and (to date) has “always bloody eluded you”.

You have the ability, but I urge you to find the real, practical reasons for why you’re not - as opposed to sticking it under the umbrella term of “self-sabotage”.

If you still think it is self-sabotage, then cool - and please refer to all the other excellent advice posted above and ignore mine. 😊

Best of luck!

mw00087 · November 2020

@GrizzledSquirrel Mum? Is that you? Damn, you literally described me to a tee. You literally outlined exactly who I am; without ever meeting me. Goal orientated; and absolutely all or nothing.

Yes; of course I want it, and yes, I bloody hate that I'm not getting. I literally hit every other goal I set myself. Yes; I had a ton of failures along the way for those goals, but I hit them.

I feel like my weight-loss is all I talk about because it's the one major goal that eluded me. You're absolutely correct; maybe the way i'm doing it isn't working. It's not that "i'm a failure", it's more, "the way i'm trying to do it is failing me".

Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a detailed response. I'll absolutely take your advice; I need to just find what works for me and stick to it.

88olds · November 2020

Try this- piece of paper, line down the middle. 2 lists- all the reason you want to lose weight on one side, all the reasons you don’t want to on the other. Give yourself a couple of days to think it over. There’s no rush. Anything that comes to mind no matter if it seems silly or trivial. Two honest lists.

Don’t do this- don’t deny that there are reasons you don’t want to lose weight. If you didn’t have those reasons you’d have done it already. First thing this can do for you is get your resistance out in the open. Sabotage involves sneaking around. It’s ok to have reasons you don’t want to do it. Those reasons are valid because they are your reasons.

Now look at both sides. Are there any compromises you can make where each side gets something but the net result will be weight loss? And don’t do this- don’t try to make a plan to beat the don’ts into submission. Weight loss has 2 parts- a calorie deficit and living with it. Usually the resistance has to do with making a livable plan.

Try it. Maybe you can get away from some of the inner conflict.

GrizzledSquirrel · November 2020

mw00087 wrote: »

@GrizzledSquirrel Mum? Is that you?

This made me giggle.

I’m glad that something resonated. I will take away:
“It's not that "i’m a failure", it's more, "the way i’m trying to do it is failing me".

Well put!

VeryKatie · November 2020

You're still you when you lose weight.

I still don't like going to parties any more than I did back then either. If I do go, I still go for the food haha.

You don't need an excuse.
You are allowed to say no and to set boundaries.
You are also allowed to change your mind and opinions at any point in your journey.

Whenever I decline an invite I never give a reason... because one just isn't needed! I typically have one, but why would the host need to know what I am doing instead? It makes no difference for them in planning. Perspective.

elisa123gal · November 2020

If it makes you feel any better; losing all the weight won't erase your self doubt; you can still keep it while wearing the clothes you want. 'what I'm saying is it is great getting the weight off.. but it won't make your life perfect . In fact, many get disappointed when they don't look as good as they dreamed when they get there.

Have a sense of humor about it.. lose the weight and see what other self inflicted problem your subconscious can conjure.

mw00087 · November 2020

@elisa123gal haha so true!!

Diatonic12 · November 2020

The scales outperform every other piece of equipment when it comes to facing reality.

How much of your progress are you willing to give up by avoiding them. Days and weeks turn into giant month hunks of time. The thrill eating ride can take you all the way to the top of the rollercoaster and the highest weight ever reached. Then comes the other side of the rollercoaster ride.

Intuitive Eating is imaginary thinking for me. Life happens for each of us. If we don't learn how to build the ability to get fit under real life conditions none of this will stick.

It's not about willpower or motivation, it's about skills. The scales are only one data point but they'll tell you exactly where you stand. Life has no pause button. There is no timeout. Life keeps going and going.

With the All or Nothing approach to food we get mostly nothing. If you keep going you'll always get something.
Don't press pause. Find your deeper reasons and find meaning for caring about your health for the rest of your life. It's hard to take of others when we quit caring about our quality of health.

mw00087 · November 2020

Thank you @Diatonic12! How often do you weigh yourself?

Diatonic12 · November 2020

Every. Single. Day. Face the music. With every day and passing year that goes by the ground grows colder.

I can tell you about rebound weight gain with friends.
@mw00087 Don't start none. Won't be none.

silverpl2525 · November 2020

I learned the hard way about self-sabotage. When things get stressful, I eat. Then I gain weight, and feel extra bad. Knowing this, I allow myself to eat some feel-good foods when stressed, but I try to minimize it as much as I can. If I am too strict I will just eat a pint of ice cream or something! I also try to have realistic weight goals. I'm not going to ever be the same weight I was at 20. So I aim for just a healthy BMI, and will stop there. I know people complement me more when I am smaller, which is a good self-esteem booster, but also I don't like the pressure in society for women to be so skinny. So I guess I remind myself why I am trying to lose weight for the health reasons in the long run of my life, and that helps me stay motivated. What is your goal weight and why are you really trying to lose weight? If you know these answers, it may help you understand why you quit often. Hope that helps.

Mental Block / Self Sabotage?

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