not going to be "that" typical lesbian
dragonflybird
Posts: 232 Member
*disclaimer* I'm not going to be totally PC in here because I'm discussing my own community.....*
A few years ago I was having a conversation with my friend, a gay male. He noted that in the queer community, the homos are quite fit while the lesbians let themselves go. Now, of course he was generalizing because living in the lower mainland (Vancouver) I see a lot of very fit and thin lesbians. *kitten* and butches on the other hand seem to be more on the chunky side (now I'm generalizing, but bare with me); I think it may be in part because of the whole battle of acceptance thing from family and community. Needless to say, I took a look in the mirror and realized that I am one of those "typical" over weight lesbians. I don't know how I let myself come to this.
When I tried to live a straight life and married a man and had kids, I was quite fit. Sure I struggled with an extra 20-30 lbs here and there, but I was never obese. It seemed as though I started packing on all the weight when I decided to be true to myself and to everybody else I knew and came out.
Now, 10 years later...I'm here. I refuse to be that typical lesbian that my friend pointed out. I believe I took my souring relationship with my parents and replaced it with food. It was very hard for my parents to accept my coming out...I mean 10 years later they still think it's a phase). They hardly talk to me and that set me into the greatest depression I had ever gone through.
Surprisingly, in my mind, I am not an obese person. Clearly I am, but I don't visualize myself as one. I guess that is a good thing, but at the same time it is bad because it took an extra 80 lbs and a friend's comment to make me really see that yes, I am obese and I better do something about it. So, here I am.
I've been with MFP for a few months now, but only just recently started taking it seriously. The message boards really help with motivation.
I know that one's weight does not define that person. I also know that when people meet me, they begin defining me as soon as they set eyes on me. Thus, weight ,whether we like it or not, contributes to one's definition and I really don't want to be "that" lesbian. Instead, I'm going to be seen as an intelligent mother who is happy and healthy (in all senses of the word).
So, thank you --- to all of you, for your stories.
A few years ago I was having a conversation with my friend, a gay male. He noted that in the queer community, the homos are quite fit while the lesbians let themselves go. Now, of course he was generalizing because living in the lower mainland (Vancouver) I see a lot of very fit and thin lesbians. *kitten* and butches on the other hand seem to be more on the chunky side (now I'm generalizing, but bare with me); I think it may be in part because of the whole battle of acceptance thing from family and community. Needless to say, I took a look in the mirror and realized that I am one of those "typical" over weight lesbians. I don't know how I let myself come to this.
When I tried to live a straight life and married a man and had kids, I was quite fit. Sure I struggled with an extra 20-30 lbs here and there, but I was never obese. It seemed as though I started packing on all the weight when I decided to be true to myself and to everybody else I knew and came out.
Now, 10 years later...I'm here. I refuse to be that typical lesbian that my friend pointed out. I believe I took my souring relationship with my parents and replaced it with food. It was very hard for my parents to accept my coming out...I mean 10 years later they still think it's a phase). They hardly talk to me and that set me into the greatest depression I had ever gone through.
Surprisingly, in my mind, I am not an obese person. Clearly I am, but I don't visualize myself as one. I guess that is a good thing, but at the same time it is bad because it took an extra 80 lbs and a friend's comment to make me really see that yes, I am obese and I better do something about it. So, here I am.
I've been with MFP for a few months now, but only just recently started taking it seriously. The message boards really help with motivation.
I know that one's weight does not define that person. I also know that when people meet me, they begin defining me as soon as they set eyes on me. Thus, weight ,whether we like it or not, contributes to one's definition and I really don't want to be "that" lesbian. Instead, I'm going to be seen as an intelligent mother who is happy and healthy (in all senses of the word).
So, thank you --- to all of you, for your stories.
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Replies
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Good for you! I am glad that you are being true to yourself!
Best Wishes~Rhonda0 -
bravo! I'm bi, and sadly I have and always will have the husky body of a typical 'butch' and it seems to bother my dad when I ask for help weight training...well fuk him, cus I'd rather have muscles than be skinny XD0
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OMG...you have a message, but so bloody true - even over here! And yes, shoot me down for "dissing" my "clan" but sad to say on the whole its true!0
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I'm proud of you by association! You can do this!!0
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Your brave and you have been through so much, time to do something for yourself ! Let your light shine ;-) *hug*0
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Good for you for being proud of who you are and working for what you want. Rock on and best of luck!0
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Hi there, it is interesting how much influence our parents, (my mother) have on us. Doing a little psychotherapy in planning to have gastric bypass and let me tell you how much control our parents have and what it does to us. From abandoment, depression, anxiety, to PTSD I have a mother to thank for. Now I have my 15 year old daughter that has triggered all these emotions. If I could just ask them one thing, I would ask " Why are you the way you are now?" Not for them, but for me so I can understand. Let the parent attitude go, it wown't change. Try to deal with it as healthy as you can. I'm definately trying, Good luck.:flowerforyou:0
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:flowerforyou:0
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:drinker:
kuddos for being you!0 -
Something to be proud of...being true to yourself
I think it is awesome....you rock! 0 -
Thanks for your post!!! you can do this!!
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bravo! I'm bi, and sadly I have and always will have the husky body of a typical 'butch' and it seems to bother my dad when I ask for help weight training...well fuk him, cus I'd rather have muscles than be skinny XD
Yaaaaaay!!!0 -
I agree with you 100%! Your size may not define who you are, but it does define people's impressions of you. I'm bi, and I know it's always been a struggle for me to be put in that 'overweight lesbian' kind of category. For a long time, I ran with it - cut my hair, dressed man-ish, was very butch. But when I decided to be more feminine, and get fit, I started to feel better about all of my life choices. I can still be attracted to women, and I can be a hot bi chick.0
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With you 100%! None of us want to be a "typical" anything or anyone. You are unique, you are beautiful AND you are honest!
Cheers and good luck girl!:drinker:0 -
I think it is amazing that you are doing this for YOU and that is the way that it should be! Congrats on your success and on being so true to yourself!0
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being true to yourself is the way to be...butch, lesbian, bi, hetero...youll get to where you want to be and be that much happier when you do.
xo0 -
Good for you!!! And yes, I must agree, for some reason all of the 'butch' girls seem to be on the bigger side. After a five year relationship with one, I had mananged to gain about 40-50 pounds. And my weight has never been the same. I won't blame her for it cause I fed myself and life just happens. But been with my current GF for 11 years next week, and am trying to live a more healthful life. I may not be as small as I was before 30 but I am not as big as I was 5 years ago!!
Just do what is right for you and your kids. The rest will fall into place!!
Feel free to friend me. Good luck!!0 -
Be yourself, and do your best. because you deserve your best efforts. "Ef the world if they can't deal with it.0
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I believe I took my souring relationship with my parents and replaced it with food.
Hey there fellow Canadian, one of my all time fav bands is the Weakerthans out of Manitoba and I was listening to one of their old albums a few weeks back and one phrase really caught me and has been stuck in my head - in a good way.
"Your body still remembers thing you told it to forget"
I am realizing that this is so true. Also coming to mind is some good advice (grudgingly admits) from my psychologist step mother about how important grieving is in our lives. We don't all have the same struggles but we all struggle and we get hurt and feel ashamed. It's not enough to just let it go. We really have to acknowledge our hurt and grieve for ourselves before those emotions can be released.
These realizations have really made a difference in my weight loss/health seeking attitude and my outlook on life in general. I think that's where MFP is extremely powerful. We all have to come out and admit how we got in this position before changes start to happen.
Thank you for sharing a personal story. We are people and our stories are personal.0 -
Hey Dragonflybird!
brilliant post.... and I think you've summed it up quite well.
In the UK metropolitain areas there is a lot of body fascism amongst the youngsters and then you have the XXL bears and being a bit of a hairy-beary type (but without the leathers :laugh: ) I found a niche, but it wasn't really what I wanted to be.
Now I'm determined to get back to being more of an Otter than a Bear and lose the belly for good.
And you've lost 12lbs already so you're well on track too.
Great to see you here and good luck! :flowerforyou:0 -
From a "friend of the family", I've observed the same things... and, one of the reasons that I'm a "friend" is because I've gone through quite similar issues in my life as many of my friends - alienation, abuse, neglect, "insane, schizoid, toxic" parenting - and you know what? we can all do this!
We can be ourselves, without carrying all that toxic baggage that other people put on us.
Our bodies, bless them, took the brunt of the abuse, sparing our psyches, otherwise we would not be here. We'd be insane, or dead. The hurt and pain was channeled into fat cells to spare us. Now, it is time to release it, and heal from it. Our bodies did their job, and now it's our job to love them for it.
You go, gf!0 -
I agree with you 100%! Your size may not define who you are, but it does define people's impressions of you. I'm bi, and I know it's always been a struggle for me to be put in that 'overweight lesbian' kind of category. For a long time, I ran with it - cut my hair, dressed man-ish, was very butch. But when I decided to be more feminine, and get fit, I started to feel better about all of my life choices. I can still be attracted to women, and I can be a hot bi chick.
Good for you for being who you want to be, not who people see you as. To the OP as well! Great job to both of you and I appreciate your honesty!
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