Unsupportive spouse

heather9986hg
heather9986hg Posts: 61 Member
in Motivation and Support
How do you deal with a spouse who is unsupportive of you losing weight exercising and eating better?

Replies

  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,644 Member
    Define unsupportive?
  • goal06082021
    goal06082021 Posts: 2,130 Member
    Why would you stay married to someone who dislikes/disrespects you enough to treat you that way?
  • heather9986hg
    heather9986hg Posts: 61 Member
    Andia15 wrote: »
    If he doesn't believe you can or will do it, prove him wrong. Support yourself and you'll get lots of support here too. If you want to add me, I'll support you. You can message me any time. Honestly, my partner is amazing but when I say I'm eating better and trying to lose a few lbs he laughs and says again or I heard that before. I laugh him off because I know success is falling down 8 times and getting up 9. You can do anything you put your mind to, with or without your partners support.

    I don't think that it's that he doesn't think I can do it-ive lost over 100 pounds- I think it's more jealousy or not wanting me to lose weight
    He says I'm skinny-I am not because by bmi I'm obese
    I'm size 14-16 when we met I was size 12
    So I'm not sure if he just likes me at this weight or it's jealousy
    I'm trying to work with a woman whose a dietician and I don't want to go behind his back and hide it but I really want to do this and get back to 180...
  • heather9986hg
    heather9986hg Posts: 61 Member
    callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »
    as chef said, define unsupportive.

    are you trying to make him eat the things or amounts you are eating? my husband would riot if I gave him my portions or some of the breakfasts or lunches I make for myself.

    For dinner, we eat the same things we always have, only I weigh out my portions or calculate the calories/gram for meals such as soups or casseroles (or anything that's all mixed together). what and how HE eats has not changed a single bit.

    Is he unsupportive as in buying junk food and wanting you to enjoy it with him? its okay to eat junk food. i have oreos every night (sometimes the cookies change but you get the idea). how many I have is determined by what else I ate during the day. Make a little room for the junk, or cuddle up and have popcorn or something else that's a bit kinder on calories while he eats whatever. my husband is over in his chair munching on little debbie snacks right now. it doesn't bother me any. i get bedtime cookies and I want those more than I want a fudge round LMAO

    is he unsupportive as in saying you cant or wont do it? smile and prove him wrong.

    is he unsupportive saying you cant get a gym membership or buy equipment? while I have other issues with someone telling anyone what they can or cant buy, you don't need to go to the gym or buy things to get some exercise in. take a walk.

    No I'm not making him eat anything at all
    We have different schedules so I tend to eat meals without him he without me
    I just try to make stuff lately that I can grab easily
    He still eats stuff he likes but he complains about that because he wants to lose weight too but I never tell him what to eat
    He still buys junk food I have a little bit of it sometimes but I try not to. I just try to portion it out and enjoy what I'm eating more than I did before
    He has never said he doesn't think I can do it in fact I lost over 100 pounds before I met him so I'm sure he knows I can do it
    I don't have a gym membership or want one I have DVDs I had before I met him and an elliptical that we both use now and equipment
    He has a bowflex and an olympic dumbbell??? That he came with
    I have mentioned really wanting a pelliton because I love riding my bike in the summer and would be nice to ride in the winter but now I just do DVDs because he says it's too expensive
  • heather9986hg
    heather9986hg Posts: 61 Member
    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    heather9986hg wrote: »
    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    Define unsupportive?

    He doesn't want me to lose weight
    He thinks I'm fine the size I am but by bmi I'm obese
    I think it might be jealousy but he has no reason to worry
    I just want to lose weight for me to lose what I regained

    If you sat down and had a frank discussion about your health and goals, and he is still trying to control your body, you have a whole set of issues. Have you considered couple counseling?

    No we just got married 2 years ago
    I don't feel like he's trying to control my body...can anyone do that?
    I just feel bad that I'm working on doing something that he feels I shouldn't do I guess
    I mean it's not like I'm cheating on him or plan to but if I started working with a dietician... should I feel guilty for that? Or should I wait until he's ok with it?
  • goal06082021
    goal06082021 Posts: 2,130 Member
    I think you should look into counseling - at least for yourself, if he just outright refuses to go to couples counseling, but having a neutral third party to help both of you work out what's driving this would be helpful, probably. You taking steps to improve your health is not something he gets to have a say in. He can feel however he feels and managing those feelings is not your responsibility. If he's threatened because he could also stand to lose some weight, that's his problem. If he's worried that you'll slim down and realize you can do better...well, maybe he should be worried about that? Because it doesn't sound like he's bringing much to the table right now? But regardless of how or why he feels this way, it's not OK for him to tell you what you should do with your body. Consult with the dietician, use the tools they give you, treat your body with respect and kindness and do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy.
  • butterflyfaerie
    butterflyfaerie Posts: 94 Member
    edited January 2021
    heather9986hg wrote: »
    callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »
    as chef said, define unsupportive.

    are you trying to make him eat the things or amounts you are eating? my husband would riot if I gave him my portions or some of the breakfasts or lunches I make for myself.

    For dinner, we eat the same things we always have, only I weigh out my portions or calculate the calories/gram for meals such as soups or casseroles (or anything that's all mixed together). what and how HE eats has not changed a single bit.

    Is he unsupportive as in buying junk food and wanting you to enjoy it with him? its okay to eat junk food. i have oreos every night (sometimes the cookies change but you get the idea). how many I have is determined by what else I ate during the day. Make a little room for the junk, or cuddle up and have popcorn or something else that's a bit kinder on calories while he eats whatever. my husband is over in his chair munching on little debbie snacks right now. it doesn't bother me any. i get bedtime cookies and I want those more than I want a fudge round LMAO

    is he unsupportive as in saying you cant or wont do it? smile and prove him wrong.

    is he unsupportive saying you cant get a gym membership or buy equipment? while I have other issues with someone telling anyone what they can or cant buy, you don't need to go to the gym or buy things to get some exercise in. take a walk.

    No I'm not making him eat anything at all
    We have different schedules so I tend to eat meals without him he without me
    I just try to make stuff lately that I can grab easily
    He still eats stuff he likes but he complains about that because he wants to lose weight too but I never tell him what to eat
    He still buys junk food I have a little bit of it sometimes but I try not to. I just try to portion it out and enjoy what I'm eating more than I did before
    He has never said he doesn't think I can do it in fact I lost over 100 pounds before I met him so I'm sure he knows I can do it
    I don't have a gym membership or want one I have DVDs I had before I met him and an elliptical that we both use now and equipment
    He has a bowflex and an olympic dumbbell??? That he came with
    I have mentioned really wanting a pelliton because I love riding my bike in the summer and would be nice to ride in the winter but now I just do DVDs because he says it's too expensive

    If he's trying to lose weight as well, it could also sound as though he's putting his own feelings and insecurities about his own weight loss journey onto you? Change is a difficult thing, so maybe it's also his way of thinking 'if she doesn't make the effort to lose weight, I don't have to either'.

    Sadly (and it's easier said than done) the best way to deal with his lack of support if he doesn't want to support you is to remember that you're two different people. That you're doing this to please yourself,and that you don't need his approval to do something that makes you feel better. You can't make him stop eating junk food as much as he can't make you eat it.

    Also, saying that they think you're fine the size you are is something people have said to me in the past when I've been concerned about my weight, when they've been trying to reassure me so I don't beat myself up about it, or think they're complimenting me, so it may also be that he thinks he's doing something nice by saying it, when really all that matters is that you're not happy with your size. That's all the motivation you need :)
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,644 Member
    heather9986hg wrote: »
    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    heather9986hg wrote: »
    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    Define unsupportive?

    He doesn't want me to lose weight
    He thinks I'm fine the size I am but by bmi I'm obese
    I think it might be jealousy but he has no reason to worry
    I just want to lose weight for me to lose what I regained

    If you sat down and had a frank discussion about your health and goals, and he is still trying to control your body, you have a whole set of issues. Have you considered couple counseling?

    No we just got married 2 years ago
    I don't feel like he's trying to control my body...can anyone do that?
    I just feel bad that I'm working on doing something that he feels I shouldn't do I guess
    I mean it's not like I'm cheating on him or plan to but if I started working with a dietician... should I feel guilty for that? Or should I wait until he's ok with it?

    I agree with the above responses. A little reassurance might help. If that doesn't work I would definitely recommend counseling. No one has any say on your body.
  • heather9986hg
    heather9986hg Posts: 61 Member
    callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »
    heather9986hg wrote: »
    Andia15 wrote: »
    If he doesn't believe you can or will do it, prove him wrong. Support yourself and you'll get lots of support here too. If you want to add me, I'll support you. You can message me any time. Honestly, my partner is amazing but when I say I'm eating better and trying to lose a few lbs he laughs and says again or I heard that before. I laugh him off because I know success is falling down 8 times and getting up 9. You can do anything you put your mind to, with or without your partners support.

    I don't think that it's that he doesn't think I can do it-ive lost over 100 pounds- I think it's more jealousy or not wanting me to lose weight
    He says I'm skinny-I am not because by bmi I'm obese
    I'm size 14-16 when we met I was size 12
    So I'm not sure if he just likes me at this weight or it's jealousy
    I'm trying to work with a woman whose a dietician and I don't want to go behind his back and hide it but I really want to do this and get back to 180...

    ahh gotcha.

    i think the best thing you can do is REASSURE him that you love HIM and you are not doing this for ANYONE other than YOU. Hes scared you'll lose weight and leave. its quite common, actually.

    Sometimes (and guys, don't take offense lol), a gentle hand is needed and a little extra TLC. men's egos can be very fragile (as can womens, don't get me wrong). Make time for the two of you. Date night. doesn't even have to be a meal. try to find ways to let him know, you are there to stay and he is who you want to be with <3

    Thanks for understanding
    With our work schedules we really don't get that much time together when we are off but we still try to get time we watch movies ect
    And yes I think he worries if I lose the weight I'll leave and I don't know how to help that but that isn't my plan
    I have an obese sister and I just see how it affects her health
    I also work at a job on my feet and I know that if I gain more weight and let if get out of control that will make my job more difficult if that makes sense
  • heather9986hg
    heather9986hg Posts: 61 Member
    goal06082021 wrote: »
    I think you should look into counseling - at least for yourself, if he just outright refuses to go to couples counseling, but having a neutral third party to help both of you work out what's driving this would be helpful, probably. You taking steps to improve your health is not something he gets to have a say in. He can feel however he feels and managing those feelings is not your responsibility. If he's threatened because he could also stand to lose some weight, that's his problem. If he's worried that you'll slim down and realize you can do better...well, maybe he should be worried about that? Because it doesn't sound like he's bringing much to the table right now? But regardless of how or why he feels this way, it's not OK for him to tell you what you should do with your body. Consult with the dietician, use the tools they give you, treat your body with respect and kindness and do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy.

    I don't think couples counseling will make him feel better... might make it worse
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,982 Member
    https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10134341/you-arent-always-going-to-get-support/p1

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png
  • goal06082021
    goal06082021 Posts: 2,130 Member
    heather9986hg wrote: »
    goal06082021 wrote: »
    I think you should look into counseling - at least for yourself, if he just outright refuses to go to couples counseling, but having a neutral third party to help both of you work out what's driving this would be helpful, probably. You taking steps to improve your health is not something he gets to have a say in. He can feel however he feels and managing those feelings is not your responsibility. If he's threatened because he could also stand to lose some weight, that's his problem. If he's worried that you'll slim down and realize you can do better...well, maybe he should be worried about that? Because it doesn't sound like he's bringing much to the table right now? But regardless of how or why he feels this way, it's not OK for him to tell you what you should do with your body. Consult with the dietician, use the tools they give you, treat your body with respect and kindness and do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy.

    I don't think couples counseling will make him feel better... might make it worse

    Why do you think that? Genuine question, I don't know anything about you or your husband, just trying to get some information.

    I firmly believe just about everyone can benefit from therapy. Also, culturally, most married men enlist their wives as ersatz therapists, because just about every culture on Earth does an absolute *kitten* job at developing the emotional intelligence of their men and boys. It'd be better for both of you if he paid a professional who is trained to provide this service, rather than expecting you to manage his feelings for him on top of everything else that you do.
  • luceegj
    luceegj Posts: 246 Member
    edited January 2021
    I think as other members have said above sit him down and tell him that this means a lot to you and how you feel about yourself, this isnt a vanity thing it feeling confident in yourself and it's not going to change who you are and how you feel about him.

    [Edited by MFP Staff]
  • gigius72
    gigius72 Posts: 183 Member
    edited January 2021
    It is tough to answer. I am in somewhat the same situation... On your husband side.
    My whole household was plant based for over 10 years. My wife and daughter a few months ago went back and eat meat, eggs, cheese.
    In my eyes they are eating unhealthy and I'm sure in their eyes I need to eat like them as well.
    I used to be the cook in the house, but now I cook for myself and they cook for themselves.
    It's tough respecting the partner's lifestyle when in your eyes he/she is hurting themselves. You learn to accept for each other's love even if you don't agree.
    You need to talk with your husband and figure out why he is against your new lifestyle and make him understand that it has nothing to do with your love for each others.
  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,626 Member
    heather9986hg wrote: »
    callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »
    heather9986hg wrote: »
    Andia15 wrote: »
    If he doesn't believe you can or will do it, prove him wrong. Support yourself and you'll get lots of support here too. If you want to add me, I'll support you. You can message me any time. Honestly, my partner is amazing but when I say I'm eating better and trying to lose a few lbs he laughs and says again or I heard that before. I laugh him off because I know success is falling down 8 times and getting up 9. You can do anything you put your mind to, with or without your partners support.

    I don't think that it's that he doesn't think I can do it-ive lost over 100 pounds- I think it's more jealousy or not wanting me to lose weight
    He says I'm skinny-I am not because by bmi I'm obese
    I'm size 14-16 when we met I was size 12
    So I'm not sure if he just likes me at this weight or it's jealousy
    I'm trying to work with a woman whose a dietician and I don't want to go behind his back and hide it but I really want to do this and get back to 180...

    ahh gotcha.

    i think the best thing you can do is REASSURE him that you love HIM and you are not doing this for ANYONE other than YOU. Hes scared you'll lose weight and leave. its quite common, actually.

    Sometimes (and guys, don't take offense lol), a gentle hand is needed and a little extra TLC. men's egos can be very fragile (as can womens, don't get me wrong). Make time for the two of you. Date night. doesn't even have to be a meal. try to find ways to let him know, you are there to stay and he is who you want to be with <3

    Thanks for understanding
    With our work schedules we really don't get that much time together when we are off but we still try to get time we watch movies ect
    And yes I think he worries if I lose the weight I'll leave and I don't know how to help that but that isn't my plan
    I have an obese sister and I just see how it affects her health
    I also work at a job on my feet and I know that if I gain more weight and let if get out of control that will make my job more difficult if that makes sense

    definitely make the time to spend together, enjoying each other. you need to create (if you don't have) and maintain (if you do) that connection. Let him know you seeing your sisters health deeriorating, is the driving focus because you don't want to be like that.

    My husband did not know me at my heaviest weight (but has seen photos) but did meet me at my lowest. And I'm 50 over that, currently. He loved me equally at both. HE gives ZERO opinions on my weight or health (unless he has a true concern). He knows I want to lose the weight again for ME. not for him. Not for anyone else. Anything I do regarding or for my health, is my decision. My weight, going to a therapist, how I eat... all of these things he knows I am doing because I want to. I know not all men are like that. But TALK to him. I think that is what this might come down to. Simple communication.
  • katierthanmost
    katierthanmost Posts: 25 Member
    Because I'm a heartless *kitten*, I wouldn't take any notice.

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