Devastating Loss

JohnBarth
JohnBarth Posts: 672 Member
in Introduce Yourself
I've been thinking for several days as to whether I should share publicly what's happened recently in my life.

As I'm a pretty open book, here goes: my forty-five year old wife died early last month as a result of complications of a recent surgery.

Rhonda and I celebrated our 19th anniversary in October. Obviously, the entire family is devastated. As we were childfree by choice, I'm genuinely relieved I'm not forced to help guide a child through this disaster.

Her death is still so shocking and surreal. This event has led to huge swings of grief, contentment, peace, pure sadness and myriad other emotions.

People often ask, "How are you doing?" Generally, my answer is, "OK." And generally, I am ok. There are obviously lots and lots of ups and downs. I'm truly taking things one day at a time--sometimes broken into minutes or seconds. It's a constant battle of one foot in front of the other, one step at a time--all understanding many of these steps will be small, and a whole lot will be backward.

I'm sharing this because I'm really trying hard to be accountable to myself. I've had a couple of periods of times in the past where I have been in a dark, dark place. I am truly afraid of that place. Being open and honest with myself, family and close friends--and now an online community--is one way for me to keep myself in check.

Things were never perfect. Things will never be perfect. For the first time in a long, long time, I'm really focusing on being kind to myself. I am striving to make a better choice when faced between one that is good or "bad." I am setting small, small goals in a lot of different areas and will gradually increase these tasks.

Not all of these choices or goals are specifically health related but more of creating an overall improved well being.

I'm in the process of getting some professional guidance, as I'm sure many of you are thinking or will suggest.

I welcome friend requests for those of you who may want to help keep me on track. In return, offering support to others, health related or otherwise, certainly also helps my own well being.

Replies

  • goal06082021
    goal06082021 Posts: 2,130 Member
    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm glad you're working on getting professional help, that will certainly be good for you. It sounds like you're doing everything right - leaning on your support system (what are they for, if not situations like this?), seeking additional support, being kind to yourself. Keep doing that for sure, and in time you'll figure out a new normal.
  • quiksylver296
    quiksylver296 Posts: 28,439 Member
    That would be so hard. I am sorry for your loss. You sound like you're handling it as well as anyone can. <3
  • Toronto6fan
    Toronto6fan Posts: 461 Member
    I'm so sorry for your loss.
  • 4Phoenix
    4Phoenix Posts: 236 Member
    I am so sorry for your loss. You are taking the steps to help you through this dark night and I'm glad that you made the decision to share. Be kind to yourself during this challenging time. If you can get outside in nature and incorporate any movement into your daily activities it might be hard but it will be helpful. We never forget our close loved ones, my heart is with you.
  • JohnBarth
    JohnBarth Posts: 672 Member
    4Phoenix wrote: »
    I am so sorry for your loss. You are taking the steps to help you through this dark night and I'm glad that you made the decision to share. Be kind to yourself during this challenging time. If you can get outside in nature and incorporate any movement into your daily activities it might be hard but it will be helpful. We never forget our close loved ones, my heart is with you.

    Thank you for your suggestion. At a minimum, I get the dogs out for a mile or so every day. I started back to work last week, so that routine is helping. Though working at home instantly became more difficult. For now, I'm just trying to establish a good routine and building a bit as I can.
  • Skyler103
    Skyler103 Posts: 121 Member
    My husband and I are also child free by choice and a little older than your wife. I absolutely cannot imagine what you must be feeling. I'm so glad you have someone to talk to, and I know that will help with your grief.
  • JohnBarth
    JohnBarth Posts: 672 Member
    Thank you all for the kind words. Building a good routine has really been helpful. With my birthday coming up next week and Valentine's Day around the corner, I'm happy to be heading to visit my parents this weekend. Getting out of dodge seemed like a good idea, and traveling home on 2/14 seemed like a good way to help avoid that day which will sure be an ugly trigger.

    Again, one day at a time!
  • stolen_spoon
    stolen_spoon Posts: 20 Member
    I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is one of those things where we think we know what to expect in the day-to-day, but sometimes we really don't. I think that sometimes we get so caught up in the things that we shouldn't do, we sometimes forget that life is hard, and we need to be kind to ourselves sometimes. You said it best, one day at a time!
  • tmgmcg
    tmgmcg Posts: 5 Member
    Hi John, I'm so sorry for your loss. I was where you are 12 years ago. My husband of 44 died suddenly just a few months before our 20th anniversary. My heart goes how to you.

    I approached things in a similar way. I felt my back was against the wall, it was either lay down and give up or try to find hope and peace again. They always say there's no rights or wrongs with grief but your be kind to yourself approach is so good!
  • Speakeasy76
    Speakeasy76 Posts: 961 Member
    I'm so, so sorry for your loss. You seem like you are handling it in a healthy way. I don't know you, but is it weird to say I'm proud of the steps you are taking for yourself?

    Grief comes in waves and sometimes when you least expect it, especially when so unexpected. Feel free to talk about it with whoever will listen. I lost my otherwise perfectly healthy dad suddenly and unexpectedly to an aortic dissection almost 7 years ago. I remember people not wanting to ask me or say anything to me about it because it made THEM uncomfortable, but it helped me to talk about all of the shock and grief I was feeling. I remember feeling like for the first month or so that I was watching a movie of someone else's life because it felt so surreal. Even today, some days I still don't truly believe he's gone.

    I know for me, when everything else felt so out of control, I really focused on the things I could control, like continuing to try to eat healthy and exercise. Sure, I probably didn't eat as well as I did before, but it gave me a sense of comfort to be able to try to continue those habits.
  • Missmass4
    Missmass4 Posts: 56 Member
    Hi John! I wanted to first tell you how very sorry for your loss I am. I truly could not imagine. You seem to be in a good head space and I think your positive attitude towards your health and self care is really fantastic. As you stated, sometimes you just need to take it a day at a time-Nothing wrong with that. You are in the right place if you are looking for support throughout your journey. MFP users can be so helpful. Please feel free to add me as a friend if you like! Take care of yourself

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