Eating Disorder Recovery

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AnonymouslyFree
AnonymouslyFree Posts: 26 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hello there. New to this app and have 3 weeks under my belt~woohoo!!

I thought I'd start a thread for people like me that have suffered from eating disorders. Let's chat and share our current thoughts on our weight loss journies together! Whether you've suffered from bulimia, anorexia, or starvation, I want to hear from you. I myself never suffered from anorexia or bulimia but purposefully would go as long as I could without eating to obtain what I thought was an ideal body.

Here I am 5 years later, finally started eating everything in sight and now considered obese. For the first time ever, I just started a HEALTHY weight loss journey, the right way but still struggle with guilt and disgust of what I let happen to my body. I'd love to connect with others going through the same thing. ❤ Thank you for reading.

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  • kimny72
    kimny72 Posts: 16,013 Member
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    Welcome :flowerforyou:
    I have never dealt with an eating disorder, but I wanted to say hi. It can be hard for many to talk about their struggles with disorders, even with a fake name, so it might take a little while for your thread to get going.

    Wishing you much success!
  • AnonymouslyFree
    AnonymouslyFree Posts: 26 Member
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    Thank you kimny72. I never thought my unhealthy relationship with food would even count as an eating disorder because I never became bulimic or anorexic, but not eating until the point of having to crouch after standing to avoid passing out definitely counts as something.


    Mind you, I haven't starved myself for over 5 years and took things way too far by becoming obese, however now that I'm back on track trying to lose the weight in a healthy way, I know that voice not to eat will always be there and wanted to connect with people that had those voices too.

    Admitting what I did for all those years was the first step, and I'm confident I will never deprive my body like that again. I'm now focused on giving my body what it needs without overindulging of course. It's such a fine line.
  • 7rainbow
    7rainbow Posts: 161 Member
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    Hey there,
    Former Bulimic/Anorexic here! Looking to lose some weight the healthy way for once. I've been skinny my whole life, which was fine when I was a kid but I basically never let myself grow into my adult body. I'm about 5'6 and a half, my weight was usually around 110, 103 at my lowest. I used to use MFP to fuel my disorder, never making friends on here or anything. But I'm open about my past now because it is indeed in the past. I'm hoping to lose just a couple of pounds to feel better about myself but to still be in a healthy weight range. Feel free to add me!
  • George8383
    George8383 Posts: 69 Member
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    Hi I'm struggling with bulimia did go to counselling 2 years ago but the thought off weight I gained really scared me to the point I'm back to square one and can't seem to get my head around weight gain. Not sure if I'll ever get over it been on diet on off for weell over 35 years.. 😞😞
  • AnonymouslyFree
    AnonymouslyFree Posts: 26 Member
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    That voice will always be there, but you got this!! Food shouldn't be an enemy, it's what keeps up alive and allows us to live happy lives. I know some days are crazy hard, but today I had a breakthrough. Don't give up on yourself. You're stronger than you think!
  • AnonymouslyFree
    AnonymouslyFree Posts: 26 Member
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    Yes, I definitely get it! Feel free to post any ED thoughts here...I want this to be a place for those of us that know what it feels like to be readily available for one another when needed. Congrats on your journey. ❤
  • nookicky
    nookicky Posts: 16 Member
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    I am so happy reading through this. Thank you for posting. It's so nice to find community, even if it is through a horrible disorder we share.
    I'm currently recovering from an ED, and am struggling quite a bit lately. I first got treatment for my ED two years ago when I was hospitalized, and I made a lot of good progress, but then I kind of went in the complete opposite direction and now here I am, having gained a somewhat unhealthy amount of weight, a laughably nutrient-less diet, and have stopped doing all the exercise and active things I used to do that brought me so much joy. On top of that, I started smoking again after having quit for a few years, which of course makes starting being active again difficult. I want to find a healthy balance (and quit the smoking completely), but damn is it hard. I feel like I never learned what is actually healthy, so my brain just goes "all or nothing". I know that an all or nothing approach is incorrect and is itself unhealthy, but not knowing what healthy actually looks like, it feels like I'm in a horrible brain circle.
    I'm going to go ahead and add you all (feel free to deny if you don't feel comfortable connecting), hopefully we can support each other and work towards health together!
  • AnonymouslyFree
    AnonymouslyFree Posts: 26 Member
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    Nookicky, thank you SO much for your post. It brings me great relief to know that this thread is helping others with their disease and to let you know you are not alone. I must be honest, you sound JUST like me. I too struggled with my eating disorder starving at first, then eating and ended up way on the other side of it. I gained 50lbs in 5 years and still suffer from that dreaded " all or nothing" mentality. I was consuming limitless calories, no nutrition, no exercise, just eating. I have asthma, have smoked since I was 12 yrs old, and am now considered obese. Horrible, right?! Just this past December, I was walking at a normal pace through the mall with my fiancé and realized how hard I was breathing and how out of breathe I was...just from walking. I have tried quitting smoking a gazillion times and have also tried every diet under the sun only to fail eventually. I have ALWAYS told myself I will never be able to start working out to lose weight until I quit smoking. I knew I needed a change because I don't know how many times I've asked myself why I let myself live this way.

    I started using this app on January 4th and also wanted to commit to some form of exercise that I could do that wouldn't kill me at the same time because I know I'm less likely to stick to something that I hate doing. I wanted to tackle one thing at at a time instead of trying to lose weight and quit smoking at the same time because I didn't want to overwhelm myself and ultimately fail at both, so I decided to start with trying to lose weight.

    I committed to trying to walk at least 30 minutes on the treadmill to get some form of exercise. I must admit, those first few days were rough, and I started out only being able to walk at the speed of 1.5 on the treadmill which is like a super slow walk for most people. Yes, I huffed and puffed of course, but as more days past, I noticed I was getting less out of breathe and was able to gradually increase my speed. I am now using 2.5 speed every night which is a fast walk for us short folks and I see improvements in my lungs every day. I proved my own theory wrong that I wasn't able to work out while also being a smoker and that feels fantastic. I know by me continuing to walk everyday, I will eventually get up to the point of running which is super motivating. As a smoker, I know how hard quitting is and then on top of that, trying to exercise. I personally hate cardio and have always used my asthma and smoking as an excuse as to why I couldn't do it. Here's the thing though. When I'm walking fast, I am increasing my heart rate but it's not killing me to the point of not wanting to do it. You just have to take things slow. In addition to my walking, I also started doing 30 minutes of stretching, and floor exercises with small weights and I honestly haven't felt this good in years. The key is finding something you're able to do and to take it slow. After some repetition, those tasks will get easier and your body will get stronger, lungs included.

    I know once I've gotten this weight loss under control, my next challenge will be quitting smoking. I will wait until I'm good and strong and I know I can accomplish that too, regardless of how many years I have smoked.

    Today was my 25th day of logging food and exercising and as of today, I have lost 12lbs! I have not lost any weight before now for the last 5 years, only gained, so I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a huge smile across my face. People like you and I and the others that have posted here resorted to dangerous measures to be at our goal weight and never thought we could get there by eating healthy and exercising. This is the first time in my life that I realize that I am capable of losing weight the healthy way. Yes it feels like the "hard way" but I am so proud of myself and you should be proud of yourself too.. Look how far we have all come! We have all been in that dark place of ED and I am so grateful for these posts because there are so many people like us going through the same thoughts and motions and just hearing from others and their story's has helped me immensely. I'd love to keep in touch with you to keep encouraging each other. I know we have the desire to change how we feel about ourselves and I now know we also have the strength to get there as well. Let's get back to living a life we deserve, shall we? Thank you for being here. <3
  • skinnyfat_tohealthy
    skinnyfat_tohealthy Posts: 14 Member
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    Hello! I suffered from anorexia for 8 years and have been in recovery for 2years. I now class myself as fully recovered and feel ready to start a more balanced healthy lifestyle with more movement and a bit more tracking involved.
    I am not overweight (5ft 1in, just over 8st) but i am skinny fat for sure so id like more muscle mass really.
    I refuse to starve myself anymore though. I wont dip below a met of 1750 if i can help it! ☺
  • globalhiker
    globalhiker Posts: 1,517 Member
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    Hi, I'd like to join to learn more about how to recover from disordered eating....searching for solutions and tips really. Please feel free to suggest any that could help me or anyone else here.

    I have always used eating excessive amt of carbohydrates in response to relieve a stressful feeling or negative emotion and I want to stop that behavior. Call it autopilot eating or call it binge eating. Whatever it is, it's not serving me and I want it to end.

    Been doing that since I was a kid. Parents taught me at an early age that skinny was good and fat was very unacceptable. They also taught me nice girls are quiet and it was not nice to express anger or fear. I had to sit quietly and eat all the food on my plate. This defined being "good" and if I was "good" I got to eat dessert (empty calories I didn't need and by then I was full anyways). Here's where the overfeeding behavior was learned and stuck with me. Parents meant well, just didn't know any better.

    I know I don't do well if I get on the scale and it shows a higher number, so I've thrown away the idea that weight is important. Now I only measure body fat % and muscle % and only once a month. I get my nutrition in early on in the day. I exercise daily but not excessively on a regular basis. I try to focus on creating happiness in my day, because when I am not happy, I overeat! I try to reward myself with non-food rewards but it's hard. And I try to get in my sleep and avoid taking on too much stress at once.
  • AnonymouslyFree
    AnonymouslyFree Posts: 26 Member
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    Globalhiker, thank you for sharing! Sounds like you're taking healthy steps towards change and that's so important. Realizing what got us into this mess in the first place is the first step of recovery.
  • agirlgrowsinbrooklyn
    agirlgrowsinbrooklyn Posts: 4 Member
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    Hi, I’d like to join and have been grateful to read others’ comments. I’ve definitely struggled with extreme restriction in the past, and when I “let up” on myself after getting to my goal weight 6 years ago, over a few years I gained a significant amount of weight back and most in the last year. I also really enjoy food, and love to cook, and in my hardest moments in my initial weight loss attempt, I didn’t really allow myself to cook or take joy in it - it was all about the numbers and less about the taste. It makes me sad to write this, as I think what I’ve done really well is learn to love food again, but have gone overboard and to the other side of the pendulum I guess. I started earlier this month to get my weight down to a healthy-for-me level (I’m actually not trying to go back to my 2016 goal weight as I know now that wasn’t sustainable for me), and have lost 5 pounds. It’s hard to be back at it, though-the measuring, weighing, logging, without recalling just how hard I was on myself before and I definitely have some internal resistance to it all. But I’m holding out optimism for me that there’s a happy medium where I can lose weight, but be more kind to my body in the process.
  • _BunnyMomma_
    _BunnyMomma_ Posts: 16 Member
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    I used to be bulimic after suffering some trauma and struggled with that for a few years. Before that I have very disordered eating. Not quite anorexic but lots of skipped meals, counting calories as young as 14, trying to eat under 1000 calories a day. After recovering from bulimia, I gained 40lbs and am currently as my heaviest weight I've ever been at 182lbs 5'6". I just found out yesterday that I might be prediabetic but the doc needs to do more tests.

    When I get stressed I still emotional eat. I'm on here to try and track nutrients. I'm going to try and not focus so much on how many calories but trying to eat food that is healthy and filling. It is definitely going to be a huge learning curve. Used to use this app when I was bulimic so I could track my binges and how many calories I would need to burn in the gym. I would be lying if I said I wasn't little scared to be on here again but I am trying to reframe how I use this app.

    I have a pretty sedentary lifestyle and I know I need to exercise more but I think one change at a time is what is going to be helpful. I need to set little goals. I never thought I would be in the position that I could be prediabetic but here I am and I want to change it before it's too late.
  • emzoe13
    emzoe13 Posts: 11 Member
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    Hello!
    Grateful to read everyone's experiences - I've never been technically diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I'd like to join the thread as I have been aware for some time that my habits are not healthy, I think I've been in a form of the binge/purge/restrict cycle for most of my life, and I am just beginning to accept that I might need to find more balance around food.

    Very much resonating with the "all-or-nothing" attitude that some of you describe. I have a really hard time letting myself skip a day of exercise even when I'm exhausted, largely because I feel I can't control my food intake, and if I make one mis-step in my eating for the day, all my plans go out the window and I'm eating everything in sight. Have a hard time honoring my hunger cues - often eat even when I'm really full or restrict even when I'm legitimately hungry, often eating to the point of uncomfortability. Can't handle missing a day of calorie counting as I'm a very short person so don't have a lot of wiggle room if I want to lose weight. I'm 5'1" and around 110 or 115 I think, don't really use scales but recently hit my target for how I want to look and of course immediately after that went on a month long binging streak so I've gained several pounds back and feeling quite down about backtracking on so much hardwork.

    My impulse is to lower my calories down to the lowest possible healthy amount but I know that even if 1200 is considered acceptable on MFP, it will trigger me to binge even more, especially not being in such a great place psychologically with the pandemic and all. So trying to throw my weight loss timeline out the window and approach it in a healthy, manageable way. In all honesty though, there's a big part of me that's afraid to let go of these bad habits, wondering if anyone else experiences this.

    Would love to hear how others find balance and learn to give up harmful habits!
  • AnonymouslyFree
    AnonymouslyFree Posts: 26 Member
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    I apologize for my absence. Grateful to see so many others looking here for support though. How is everyone doing?
  • AnonymouslyFree
    AnonymouslyFree Posts: 26 Member
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    Emzoe13, I'm kind of in a bad place too. Was doing SO well and then started cheating a bit, then more and more. I've lost 26 lbs since January but promised myself I'd be at goal by the end of May.. my full time job and then part time school is taking up most of my time and I have less time to exercise. Still feel intense guilt when I've eaten something I shouldn't of. I'm struggling a bit as well.
  • emzoe13
    emzoe13 Posts: 11 Member
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    @AnonymouslyFree one thing I've found that's helping me is learning to be forgiving with myself when I engage in a food-related behavior that I consider "bad". Like when I don't judge myself for it, somehow that makes it easier for me to not engage in that behavior next time I have the impulse. Idk if that makes sense? Like when I trust that I will eventually get to the point I want to be at and this is just one moment in time and it's ok to not be perfect, that actually helps me get out of the cycle.

    It's definitely not a perfect journey but trying to change my thinking around it has helped my mindset a ton

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