Is there someone that could understand me???

jstevensnj
jstevensnj Posts: 1
edited October 2 in Introduce Yourself
Hello, my name is Jeff, and I suffer from anorexia. I have been debating whether or not should post. I have not found anyone that could relate with what I am going through. I been struggling since I was about 13 years old. being a male and gay makes it even harder. I haven't posted my true weight on the website. I am 5'11 and weigh about 130 lbs. I won't make this a novel so I will keep it short for now. I am not sure if i am ready for help, I don't want to give up the one thing in my life that I can control. I am obsessive over my weight and I don't want to become overweight. I count everything calories, fat, sugar, even water weight which I know can fluctuate. So I do everything I can to get rid of any fat on my body. I make goals like everyone here and when I reach them, I make a new one. It's never enough for me. It's a vicious cycle for me that I can't or don't want it to stop. Sounds confusing??? Yeah I know know tell me about it. I've done self-starvation, purging, laxitives, over exercising. MY family which I love very much don't understand me no matter how I tired to talk with them. I had therapy in the past and currently but they only focus on the depression. As I stated before I don't think I am ready for help. I woud like to have someone that can relate and maybe try to understand why I do the things I do to myself. I've been in and out of the hospitals related to this disease. I am told I am becoming very close to killing myself. And knowing just that only still doesn't reframe me from what I am doing. Deep down I don't wanna die, I just want to thin. But sometimes struggling with this makes me so tired that I do want to throw in the towel. This is so complex to talk about even I get lost inside my own head. I don't have friends because I shut people out of my life, the ones that just want to hurt you more and make you feel even worse about yourself. I am already my own worse enemy. I just got a crazy idea that maybe someone here would know what I struggle with every day. We both have a common goal, and that is to lose weight. However, maybe my method of achieving it isn't the safest way. But it's the only way I know and it's my control. Well, I am going to stop here before I give someone a cerebral meltdown. Thank you for reading my thoughts and pains. I can at least say I tried to reach out to someone, even if that someone doesn't understands.....

Best Regards,

Jeff

Replies

  • bry_all01
    bry_all01 Posts: 3,100 Member
    HI Jeff! I've had my fair share of issues with it, as well. Since finding MFP, I have been MUCH better about eating. I will send you a request, if you would like. And, welcome!!!
  • lacyjaneful
    lacyjaneful Posts: 4 Member
    Hi Jeff.

    I understand you! I am in recovery for EDNOS. I have been treated for Bulimia. so I really get you! Im very proud of you for being honest.. its not easy! Very scary but its great that you have taken these steps. If you EVER need to talk about anything im here.

    Laura
  • ilookthetype
    ilookthetype Posts: 3,021 Member
    Hey Jeff,

    Bry is a pretty great person to have around on MFP, she knows her stuff and she's a dedicated friend. I'd accept that offer!

    I understand where you're coming from, MFP is very helpful. Best of luck in your journey, and feel free to friend me. *HUGS*
  • glockster972
    glockster972 Posts: 704 Member
    Jeff,

    I don't understand a bit of your issues. However, I am supportive of my friends. I'll send you a FR and hopefully we can this sorted out and get you on the right track. Plus you and I share a cool name....
  • yeabby
    yeabby Posts: 643 Member
    I dealt with anorexia in middle and high school. It's very hard to get out of the mental cycles. I hope you find a place where you are ready to give up the control and get healthy. Best of luck on your journey and by all means send a request if you like.
  • KristysLosing
    KristysLosing Posts: 683
    I'm sorry I am of no help in your situation, but I do wish you the best. :-) I hope you are able to find the support you need to get through this. *hug* Good luck...I know in my heart you can do it, even if I haven't walked in your shoes.
  • 42hockeymom
    42hockeymom Posts: 521 Member
    Hi Jeff. Are you here to lose more weight, or to try to take control of your health. I hope it's the latter. I say this to a lot of people because when I say it to them I know it to be true. YOU ARE WORTHY.

    I know depression. Been there, done that, got the meds to prove it. I'm sorry I don't understand about being anorexic, I do understand wanting to be in control though. I think you'll find a lot of support here. Although I haven't really gotten to know Bry, she's a cool chick!

    Good luck in whatever you do Jeff. Keep going with your health.
  • L2M1D52
    L2M1D52 Posts: 616 Member
    Hi Jeff!

    I can't say that I fully understand how it feels to be in your position since I have not struggled with anorexia, but have known people that struggle. I've come across some people on mfp who are struggling with the battle and hopefully they will reach out soon to you. I wish you the best of luck. I can only imagine the complexity and struggle just to make sense of it in your own head. Until you are ready for help it may be difficult to find the therapy useful. I hope one day you become ready. It will be difficult to lose that kind of control but you can always attempt to gain control in other areas such as being a healthier you. Good luck!
  • haddock21409
    haddock21409 Posts: 14 Member
    Hi Jeff! Sorry to hear you struggle with anorexia. I understand how you feel about controling that one thing in your life and I feel the same way, just the opposite. I struggle with over eating, I feel like no one can control what I eat, how I eat, when I eat. One thing I have realized is that we are our own worst enemies when it comes to food and how we use it to stay in control. I know for me its time to quit controling my food and start controlling myself around it. I hope you find help. You have the potential to do great. Best wishes to you
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,422 Member
    Jeff, I'm so sorry you're struggling. I've had struggles with other obsessive behaviors in the past, but I've come out of it.

    I know that when you aren't nourishing your brain, or if you are putting bad stuff in (like drugs or alcohol) the brain stops working correctly and starts to make up weird things. It's a viscious cycle for sure.

    I haven't been anorexic, but I think any obsessive thinking is related in some way to control or feeling out of control.

    Good luck, I hope you find people who understand and who you feel comfortable with.
  • 19zerbrechen63
    19zerbrechen63 Posts: 22
    You aren't alone. Maybe people here (me included) know the pain of eating disorders. We're here for you. Feel free to shoot any of us a PM. :)
  • katep2492
    katep2492 Posts: 81 Member
    I suffered from anorexia when I was younger but when I wound up in the hospital I thought I was cured but I continued disordered eating until I was 250 which is when it clicked that I had never gotten better, So I am still struggling and it's hard to diet as you probably understand I keep getting the urge to starve because I want that control again! So I don't know how much help I could be but, If you want you can add me!
  • Lirenebon
    Lirenebon Posts: 3
    Hey, never be ashamed , we all have something in our lives that we need to work on, some people ovreat. bulima, starvation. purge, some people are alcoholics, or drug addicts, some people gamble, so we all have things in our lives we wrestle with, Just remember you are not alone. SOmetimes it is very hard to search out and see why we do the things we do. i feel i eat too much to comfort me. FOr what reason I do not know.... that is just me...I have always been a worry wort and my husband says i look for something to worry about. Accept Yourself for just being you and do the best you can to live eat day as each day is truley a gift.
    Be happy as we are all each one unique people and be good to yourself.
  • FindingFit50s
    FindingFit50s Posts: 162
    Hey Jeff!

    You're taking a brave step toward change, just by opening up about it here and asking for support. As others have said, Bry is one helluva gal. You'll be glad tp have her as a friend.

    I haven't experienced anorexia, but on the opposite end of the scale, I recognize that I've used my "fat shield" as a way to protect myself and in many ways, as a form of rebellion. When it comes to depression -- I am intimately familiar with that monster. I gave it complete control of about three years of my life.

    In the past three years, I've been able to make some amazing changes. The most recent is deciding that I deserve to have a healthy and active life. MFP has been the best tool for that I've ever, ever come across -- and it's because of wonderful people like Bry and the other Jeff. I'm sending you a friend request, too. You've come to the right place and asked the right questions. Even if you don't think you're ready for change right now, you might be surprised how much of an influence there is on your confidence just by witnessing the success of others on a daily basis. Don't be surprised if you find yourself thinking, "I can do this, too."

    Big, warm hugs to you!

    Lynn
  • shelbym87
    shelbym87 Posts: 122 Member
    Hi Jeff. I too have struggled in the past with eating issues. I don't think it's something you ever completely "get over". But something needs to change NOW or you will die. Seriously. You said you set goals and work hard to achieve them before moving to th next. Make being healthy your goal. I understand the overwhelming desire to be thin. The thinnest. But none of that matters if you're dead. Start small. Don't overwhelm yourself with a huge daunting task. Baby steps lol. Feel free to add me. I'm sorry for your struggle and I sincerely hope you find peace.
  • b027lxh
    b027lxh Posts: 2
    Hello Jeff
    we may all go through different issuse in life and may not understand all we should in order to help, but the people on this site seems to sincerily care. I also sent you a request along with a messg be blessed and keep your head up
  • cownancy
    cownancy Posts: 291
    Jeff:

    I am a lifelong overeater, so I am not the person you are asking for here on MFP, but I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I am so impressed with your honesty! I would so love for you to find whatever you need to save your life! You sound like a really fantastic person! There are lots of wonderful people here. If you ever need a sounding wall, please feel free to drop me a note. I can always listen.

    xxoo
    Nancy:flowerforyou:
  • Sararainmaker
    Sararainmaker Posts: 48 Member
    Hi Jeff!

    I am so impressed with your honesty, not only with us, but with yourself! Because of that I will save you from my typical psychological banter about loving yourself for who you are, just this once. :)

    Coming on this site is a step in the right direction.

    I am going to present you with a challenge. Something else you can take control of, for the moment, if you so wish, and feel ready for.

    This site allows you to track everything that you put into your body. I would like to see you track everything you eat, and reach the goals set on the site every day for one week. What this will require is that, first off, you put in your correct weight and height on the site and set your goals for 135lbs at 1/2 pound a week. log all your exercise as well. This will give you the correct amount of calories, fat, protein and other objectives to get you healthy again!

    135lbs will put you at the low end of a healthy bmi.

    I am not saying that this will cure your anorexia... but perhaps, if you set your objectives, and use that amazing ability to take control that you have, that you will feel and be healthier.

    Good Luck with your struggles, I know you can do it!

    ~Kelly
  • countinonme
    countinonme Posts: 85
    Heya, Jeff. It's nice to meet you. Hope we could be pals.... Would like to send you a request... so here I go... sending it ...
  • Anise6789
    Anise6789 Posts: 100 Member
    Jeff, HI. You know its absolutely no fun being old and tired and whimpy. I'd give anything if I could run or build muscle. I love weight training. If I had the kind of self discipline you do, I'd put on a little weight and get all pumped up. You need to change your mind about what looks good,and it aint skinny,and bony. Thats just my oppinion. I hope you do find the understanding you need, but above all I hope you conquer the anorexia, and get healthy. Good luck
  • frostymorning
    frostymorning Posts: 8 Member
    Jeff you have a truly kind smile . I can tell you are a great person who is battling. I have not battled these issues but a member of my family who I love more than anything else in the world has.
    Please seek whatever help you need - you are too precious and if you seek support from genuine people you will realise this.
  • Sunflower1221
    Sunflower1221 Posts: 4
    Hi Jeff.......my name is Karen. I want you to know that I truly understand where you are coming from. I posted last night on this website and shared my struggles with anorexia. I have struggled with the illness for 20+ years. At one point, I was in the hospital with a feeding tube and nearly died. I'm doing better now but still struggle with the addiction and mindset. I can tell you it is not about food or being thin......it is much deeper. Food, undereating, or overeating are just the symptoms. I really encourage you to try to find a therapist who specializes in eating disorders whom you feel comfortable with. I did and she has helped me so much! I joined this website one week ago in an attempt to log my food intake so I could get it out of my head and stop obsessing about it. It has helped. So....I'm using this site to try to get healthier, not lose more weight. I really encourage you to do the same. Hang in there! You can do this one day at a time. You deserve it and are worth it!
  • larr91
    larr91 Posts: 11
    Hi Jeff, I wish you the best with beating the anorexia and I admire you for being so honest! Good luck and take care of yourself x
  • Kalrez
    Kalrez Posts: 655 Member
    Jeff,

    You are not alone. It may feel like it, but there are other people on MFP who have gone through the same thing. Some of us are fighting the same right next to you. Some of us are working towards recovery.

    I have a history of EDNOS, non-purging. It was a long struggle to dig myself out of my anorexic hole. I didn't seek therapy because I assumed that person would yell at me like the doctors did every time I had to go to the ER.

    I've technically been in recovery since '04ish. It has taken me this long, however, to feel confident in my ability to healthily restrict calories without falling back into old habits. I have days where I slip up and eat too little. I have moments when it feels like MFP is too triggering and too stressful. But there are some incredible people here who can support and encourage you to be healthy if you want.

    While I may be in recovery, I understand where you are coming from. If you'd like a friend, I don't mind being there for you, even if you're not sure that you are ready to stop.
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