Why can't I commit for life?! - Help!

deniseg31
deniseg31 Posts: 667 Member
edited June 2021 in Motivation and Support
So I’ve gained back all the weight I had lost last year...every single pound. 40. I don’t even know how to feel anymore. I did so well. I was so motivated. I ate healthy and walked outdoors 2-4 miles 5/6 times per week and then I started incorporating weights and I just felt so SO GOOD! My legs felt strong, my clothes were not tight on my skin. I felt so happy. Then one day like a switch, I lost my will power and motivation. It happened on a rainy week in November when I wasn’t able to go on my walks and the gym was too packed for my comfort during peak COVID times here in Texas and I fell into a funk. I still managed to go for a walk here and there but lost consistency. I had wanted sooo bad to be in the 180’s for my birthday in December and I was so close…I made it to 193 from 233 and here I sit feeling like a failure and not really knowing how it is that I lose so much weight time after time AFTER TIME (!!!) and then I gain it all back. I am just feeling SO f’ing upset! It’s not even upset actually…it’s a mix of so many emotions. I am embarrassed, angry at myself, I am discouraged, self-loathing because why can’t I maintain this healthy lifestyle?! I feel so down in the pits.

Sometimes I think I’m just meant to be a fat person. My mom even stated why even try to lose weight because “you’ve done it before and you’ve always gained the weight back….it’s just who you are.” My mom is overweight, my grandmother was overweight, my brother is overweight so since I come from a big family…that’s who I’m meant to be?

I know I make a lot of excuses: Have to drive the kids to and from, kids have activities I need to attend, taking care of my granddaughter (most days), it’s raining, it’s too hot outside, I can only workout at 4/5am because I clock in at 7am, I feel so tired...etc. etc.

At times I blame my family…my husband to be exact because my kids will eat what I cook and they really want both dad and I to get healthy. So yeah, I blame my husband for not making a lifestyle change with me and that we all as a family should be adopting. While I go out and buy healthier food options my husband will go out and bring bags of cookies, juices, cakes, cokes, snacks galore. He of course tells me he’s not shoving those things in my mouth which is true but it’s there…in the pantry…tempting me. Having a pantry full of junk doesn’t help me when I come home from work starving and all those snacks are staring me in the face while I cook and what do I do? Grab one cookie, grab a Twinkie, a bag of chips while the food is done cooking.

I told my husband the other day I wanted to just get weightloss surgery and so he said that won’t work either if I don’t change my ways but how am to change my ways if we aren’t all in it together?

I've looked into IF, Keto, BeachBody....everything and just feel overwhelmed.

Am I am just weak? Why can't I commit?! I just feel like poop these days because I feel like I can’t make a change and I know I NEED to and I MUST.

In the end I know I have nobody to blame but myself. I know I need to plan, to manage my time, to be consistent. I’ve done it before so I know I can do it again but how do I keep it going? I even hate to say that I’m starting yet again because it seems like I always end up getting to some kind of comfort zone and my healthy changes all come to a screeching halt. Ugh!!!!

If you made it this far thank you for “listening”….I just needed to vent where people that might understand where I’m coming from.
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Replies

  • OnceAndFutureAthlete
    OnceAndFutureAthlete Posts: 192 Member
    88olds wrote: »
    Weight loss is mostly about problem solving. It has a lot to do with persistence and not much to do with motivation. Motivation comes and goes.

    I think this is brilliant. I am going to write this one down.
  • MichelleMcKeeRN
    MichelleMcKeeRN Posts: 427 Member
    I struggle with losing weight and gaining it back too. I also know it doesn’t work for me to have just one cookie, 1 bowl of ice cream etc. For me, the only thing that works is separating the unhealthy snacks. We have a healthy snack drawer. We also have a snack drawer that I don’t open because there is nothing I should be having. It really helps me to not have to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy snacks when I am hungry. Meal prep also helps me a ton when I am busy and need to grab something quickly.
  • Allybaby1961
    Allybaby1961 Posts: 6 Member
    Hey Denise - I feel the pain in your voice so let me start by giving you a big hug (I’m doubled vaxed so it’s safe!). I can imagine how defeated you must feel. I don’t want to be glib but does it help to know that you’ve done it before so you clearly have the knowledge, skills and tools to do it again?

    Someone suggested seeking professional help - I’m a huge believer in the value of therapy to help do that deep exploration we sometimes need to truly unpack our issues and shine a bright light on their causes. Like a tune-up our our psychic engines! So many employers these days have employee and family assistance programs that pay for an allotted number of counselling hours.

    I am going to check here regularly to see how you’re doing and wish you lots of love and support. We can do this!!!!❤️

  • lapierrecyclist
    lapierrecyclist Posts: 153 Member
    Hi Denise, thank you so much for posting. I have gained back all the weight I lost last year, and just as you said, it's like a switch flipped. I feel so much better when I'm exercising, logging my food, and just saying no to sugar. I go along in that mode for months, and then eventually I get overwhelmed when there is so much to do for others and I don't feel able to prioritize what I need to do for myself. Hugs to you and support.
  • ClearNotCloudyMind
    ClearNotCloudyMind Posts: 219 Member
    I so know how you feel. The only thing I can say is the thing getting me through this blip on my latest trip. I need to live like the person I want to be. Slim, healthy me does sometimes eat dreadful foods, but the next day she doesn’t. And she doesn’t kick herself about it either as she knows that it’s the every day habits over a long time that matter. Not the short term fixes or lapses.

    Sucks to start again. Do it now so tomorrow you’re not regretting today though…
  • amskinner87
    amskinner87 Posts: 163 Member
    I'm right there with you. I lost over 50lb in 2019 after hitting my highest ever weight. Previously I had lost and regained more like 14lb. 2020 came with serious mental health issues for my husband, then for me (as a reaction) and then the pandemic. I put about 40lb back on mainly through regular binges. As you say, something just switches and I'm back in behaviours that I had thought unimaginable would come back.

    I really struggled to get back on track. And although I hope this will be the last time I have to lose weight, in reality future pregnancies, health problems and life events make it likely to some extents.

    This time around I have gone very slowly. For a few months I simply stopped binging, first by allowing myself cake/pudding whenever I wanted but only out the house and one portion at a time (i.e. one cake in a cafe). Then all the cafes closed so I could have it at home but only one portion at a time to a max 2 a day. Then 1 a day. After several months I felt strong enough to quit eating 'deserts' altogether. This is sad but I always feel easier not having to make the decision to say no, and I don't get triggered to binge in the same way.

    Shortly after that I focused on exercise doing yoga and weights. Then on eating better and more regularly (Hello Fresh and cutting down on takeaways) and Finally (after more than 6 months) I started counting calories again with a modest 250cals per day deficit.

    All this is ridiculously slow and the downside is that results will take years. But on the otherhand I've always felt ready to take the next step and not overwhelmed. I'm aiming for the lifestyle I want to keep living, which is why my calories are very close to what my maintenance calories would be at my ideal weight. I did want to avoid calorie counting altogether as its not something I want to do forever but I wasn't seeing any results so had to.

    I don't really have any advice but do please be compassionate with yourself. Life happens. Hopefully this will be the last time you lose weight but even if it isn't by losing weight previously you have stopped yourself getting even bigger, you've learned a lot and hopefully you'll be able to do damage limitation with future blips.
  • dancingonstarz
    dancingonstarz Posts: 599 Member
    Honestly I think a shift in perspective would do you good. I have what I consider an acceptable range for my weight—between about 135 and 165 lbs. When I reach the top end of that range, that’s my limit and I know I have to start taking action to bring my weight back down again. When I’m at the lower end I know I can relax and enjoy myself and enjoy delicious treats (typically over Christmas holidays) knowing I have room to put on some pounds without worry. I even have clothes in different sizes to accommodate the fluctuations.

    If you change the mindset from “I gained back all the weight I lost so I’m a failure” to “I’ve enjoyed myself for a while, but I’m ready to feel a little thinner and fitter again”, you’ll feel much better about yourself.
  • gorple76
    gorple76 Posts: 162 Member
    Wow if ever there was a relatable post, this is it! So many people I know, people on these forums, and me share your experiences. And we have the same self-depreciating emotions. I remember completely breaking down to my husband a few years ago about it all and saying how the thing I hate most about having a weight problem is how visible your failure is. Other weaknesses aren’t the first thing people see. But it doesn’t mean people don’t have them…
    Firstly, I can’t preach at you about what you should or shouldn’t do but I can share what I’ve learned.
    - I keep in mind the extent of ‘failures’ there are out there and that having a struggle/weakness/issue is a universal aspect of being a human being. Mine just happens to be a visible one.
    - I also make sure I notice other people’s weight or food issues. Not to point them out or anything, but just so that I’m reminded of how normal I am.
    - I look back on all my diet failures and see them as part of the overall process of figuring it all out. I know a lot about myself from all of the attempts.
    - I have a similar response from my mother who sees everything as genetic and predestined. I have children myself now and would hate to give them that message and so I ignore it for myself too. I also let my objective self speak up and remind myself that it’s rubbish - we can change at any stage of life and adapt any way we need to.
    - Over the last few weeks I’ve picked up the baton again and started to lose weight. I’m doing it in a way that reflects what I know about myself - what works and what doesn’t work for me. It’s far from what many would advise but I am old enough and experienced enough know how I tick and to plan my weight loss accordingly. I’ve thought through the maintenance stage and spent time thinking about the emotional side.

    My one bit of advice would be - have a frank conversation with your husband. Explain it as you would an illness or addiction. Point out how widespread a problem it is, how important it is that you can tackle it. When I started to see and explain it this way, my husband was much more sympathetic, and I was much more objective and kinder to myself.