45 robbed me of my body.

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stealthette
stealthette Posts: 35 Member
edited July 2021 in Motivation and Support
I feel so let down by my body. It's really changed very fast and I'm finding it tough.

I'd NEVER been on the BMI chart always a stone below. I used to keep food diaries on here to encourage myself. But could never last more than three months. Even though the little button you press at the end of the day was telling me I'd be 8st this and 9st that in five weeks, it never happened. I never gained weight.

Last year in March I developed some sort of IBS. Another change was I quit smoking in August. In January I started to feel hungry all day. Of course having been underweight my entire life, a day like that is a day we run with. I noticed by February I was gaining weight. GREAT! I'll keep this up. It didn't occur to me that I'd keep gaining weight. By March my body was completely covered in cellulite. Legs, butt, arms and even my washboard stomach. Absolutely gutted.

I weigh now, 8stone 5lbs. About the middle of the BMI range. HOW CAN THIS BE? How can I finally be in the healthy weight range and I'm covered in the stuff? It makes no sense. How is being covered in cellulite healthy? I hate myself now. I hate when I pull back the covers in the morning and my legs and belly are the first thing I see. It immediately makes me feel like crap.

I never liked the thinness until now. I don't want to go back to flat bum land! I have breast implants because I hated the flat chest so much. They've never looked better with fat around them, they look so much more real now. But I don't live in my clothing and my true outline is a lot to get used to.

My body changed in a few months. I know looking in the mirror I have little to complain about. I am well aware lots of people have had it so much harder than me. I can't complain about my size or the cellulite but I can grieve the loss can't I?

Will I ever like myself in this body?


Replies

  • rosebarnalice
    rosebarnalice Posts: 3,488 Member
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    I think grieving for your past is entirely normal. I also think loving yourself for who you are NOW is also possible.

    While I don't really like my saggy skin skin and permanent fat pockets as attractive, I try to view them as badges of the battles my body has endured. Those marks are a testament to my body's resilience and adaptability.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,701 Member
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    So post a pic. Not uncommon for people who have been underweight their whole life, to gain weight and feel uncomfortable about it, but to many like me, look average now.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png
  • stealthette
    stealthette Posts: 35 Member
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    ninerbuff wrote: »
    So post a pic. Not uncommon for people who have been underweight their whole life, to gain weight and feel uncomfortable about it, but to many like me, look average now.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png

    I just fully explain how I'm covered in cellulite and how I'm finding it tough to cope with my body, and you want a pic? And you mention that I'm average now.. great. Not quite the support hoping for.

  • TwistedSassette
    TwistedSassette Posts: 8,741 Member
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    It sounds like you maybe gained the weight a little too fast. Some body fat is healthy, too much is not, and it's a fine balance between. More important than how you look, is what's happening inside your body. Are you eating nutritious foods to support your bodily functions, or junk? Are you exercising and if so, are you making gains in your fitness goals?

    I don't have any experience with being underweight or needing to gain weight, but I do know that those of us who lose weight have a period of time where our bodies look a bit weird until everything settles down and levels out (e.g. saggy skin can tighten up over time etc.). I wonder whether the same applies to gaining weight - perhaps as you level off now you're in the normal range, your body will settle into a different appearance - especially if you're working on building some muscle which definitely changes the way we appear.

    Maybe check out some of the posts over in the "Gaining Weight and Body Building" section of the forum, it may help:
    https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/categories/goal-gaining-weight
  • stealthette
    stealthette Posts: 35 Member
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    ninerbuff wrote: »
    stealthette wrote: »
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    So post a pic. Not uncommon for people who have been underweight their whole life, to gain weight and feel uncomfortable about it, but to many like me, look average now.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png

    I just fully explain how I'm covered in cellulite and how I'm finding it tough to cope with my body, and you want a pic? And you mention that I'm average now.. great. Not quite the support hoping for.
    Many times a person is MUCH MORE CRITICAL about themselves than how they are viewed by the public. I went by what you stated. You were ALWAYS underweight. So now you've gained and are likely much closer to average than overweight.

    Support runs many ways. Being truthful and honest is one way. You don't always get to hear what you want, but it MAY be what you need to solve a problem.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png

    There's always a time and place for everything. When someone is really down and clearly showing it, that's not the time. And while we are here, how do I block you?
  • stealthette
    stealthette Posts: 35 Member
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    TwistedSassette wrote: »
    It sounds like you maybe gained the weight a little too fast. Some body fat is healthy, too much is not, and it's a fine balance between. More important than how you look, is what's happening inside your body. Are you eating nutritious foods to support your bodily functions, or junk? Are you exercising and if so, are you making gains in your fitness goals?

    I don't have any experience with being underweight or needing to gain weight, but I do know that those of us who lose weight have a period of time where our bodies look a bit weird until everything settles down and levels out (e.g. saggy skin can tighten up over time etc.). I wonder whether the same applies to gaining weight - perhaps as you level off now you're in the normal range, your body will settle into a different appearance - especially if you're working on building some muscle which definitely changes the way we appear.

    Maybe check out some of the posts over in the "Gaining Weight and Body Building" section of the forum, it may help:
    https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/categories/goal-gaining-weight

    Hiya and thanks for commenting

    Do you know what it was? Mcdonalds started delivering and are in 15 minutes. I at their food once in a blue moon before January. I'm really good with my shopping I don't buy sugary and fatty snacks because I want them that badly I'll get off my butt and walk to get them, I'm always too lazy to do this so that works a treat lol I'm also good at talking myself out of takeaway because I can cook quicker than they deliver, but maccies now deliver in 15 minutes, sometimes less. I could resist the less than the five-minute walk to get to them but not the delivery.

    Anyway, I've solved this now by cooking before I get hungry, and also a look at the cellulite on my stomach is motivating too! I feel like I had to wean myself off cheeseburger and milkshake. It felt a bit like an addiction. As for exercise, I'm getting there slowly. Twenty minutes bike ride nearly kills me, but getting stronger every day. I left my food diary public, if you are bored enough to flick through it and have any tips, that would be great. I don't expect you will, pretty boring task!

    Thanks again

  • stealthette
    stealthette Posts: 35 Member
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    middlehaitch wrote: »
    You are sounding angry, frustrated and betrayed.

    I’m guessing you are about 5’1 or 2 if you are at mid BMI at 8 st 5 (117 lbs) I at 5’1 have found if I don’t have a good muscle base at that weight I can look too wobbly so I work out and keep my weight at a level that pleases me.

    Have your mind and body work together to achieve your goals.

    Cheers, h.

    I do feel betrayed! That's the perfect word.

    I'm 5'6 but I have a narrower than average skeleton. My shoulders aren't as wide as usual, or my ribs or hip, wrists.. everything.
  • Luluetduet8
    Luluetduet8 Posts: 49 Member
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    I think you’re getting a lesson that some of us get in our teens! I’ve been working out and eating right since I was young because I learned how quickly junk food affected my body. It’s a bit of a bummer if you never had to deal with it, but it sounds like you’re on the right track by being aware now! And you quit smoking you said? That’s freaking huge! Don’t discount how important and difficult that is.

    It’s also very important not to be mean to yourself, which could turn itself into an eating disorder if you’re not careful. It sneaks up on you when you feel desperate to look different.

    Instead, start lifting weights, and tracking what you eat. You might be surprised how many calories are in things if you never paid attention. In good time you’ll be back to where you were, or honestly better off cause ur not smoking anymore!
  • stealthette
    stealthette Posts: 35 Member
    edited July 2021
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    @luluetduet8 I think you're absolutely right. I'm learning these lessons later in life. I have to add I'm having to get used to becoming wrinkly at the same time so, perhaps I am magnifying every detail as well. It is hard losing your looks, not that I had much to lose, but still haha :)

    I'm glad you mentioned eating disorders because I feel like I'm getting a bit obsessed. I might watch some documentaries to make myself familiar with the trails of thought that go along with it. At least that way, I got half a chance of reversing out of that road.

    Thank you so much, you have given me a bit of clarity.
  • stealthette
    stealthette Posts: 35 Member
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    @MargaretYakoda Thank you :)
  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,627 Member
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    Have you considered therapy? And i dont mean that mean, or snarky- I'm just very point blank.

    Changes like these you have experienced can be very very difficult to deal with, as you are seeing first hand. emotionally and physically, they can bring up issues that we don't know how to manage. So much of how we feel about ourselves is tied to our appearance (especially as women, but men too, experience these issues). a GOOD therapist can help you navigate these issues and help you learn how to manage those feelings in a healthy manner.
  • stealthette
    stealthette Posts: 35 Member
    edited July 2021
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    @callsitlikeiseeit I'm pretty good at catching my head going down a road and sorting my own stuff out. I had drug-induced psychosis as a teen and when my brain finally healed I was left with all paranoid thoughts, but none of the fear to go with it. They had just become my automatic thoughts. I had to relearn how to think from scratch. I changed every single one of my thoughts, and it took years because it takes years to be in so many scenarios to catch yourself doing it.

    I did try therapy, I grew up in domestic violence but all I found was the therapist seemed be having mental wank at my expense getting all excited connecting dots, then having the audacity to think his progress was MY progress?? I already knew my life story and my behavior and how it all connects. It was bizarre. When I told him all this reliving the past in such graphic detail is giving me flashbacks at work and home when I'm just doing normal things. He told me that was the therapy working... PTSD IS NOT the therapy working.

    The point of the therapy was about depression. I noticed when other people get depressed they don't typically get suicidal. When I asked him when we were finally going to work on that he told me that my brain would figure out and that flashbacks were part of it. When they stopped I'd be healed. Well, they took a year to stop, true to form, like other times I've had PTSD from being attacked and what not. It just stopped and my life was easier. No change to the way I think. What a waste of time and that guy does that repeatedly to people and walks around thinking he's helping. So tragic.

    I ended up fixing it myself I just used the same method I used for psychosis and it worked. I can reprogram any thought in my head. Might take me a moment to find a decent replacement and sometimes it can be trial and error but the actual task of fixing my thoughts, is easy to me at this point in life.

    So yeah babe. I can sort my own head out. I'm pretty sharp when it comes to mental health. Most people I speak to haven't got a clue how to change the script to something that leads them to feel, act and react to life better. INCLUDING the therapists.

    I'm frank af as well mate. Prefer people like it too. Much easier for me to read than people pleasers.

    Nice to meet you.
  • stealthette
    stealthette Posts: 35 Member
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    @callitlikeiseeit That feels so cathartic letting all that out, I had to take a stretch after.
  • Luluetduet8
    Luluetduet8 Posts: 49 Member
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    MargaretYakoda wrote: »
    stealthette wrote: »
    @luluetduet8 I think you're absolutely right. I'm learning these lessons later in life. I have to add I'm having to get used to becoming wrinkly at the same time so, perhaps I am magnifying every detail as well. It is hard losing your looks, not that I had much to lose, but still haha :)

    I'm glad you mentioned eating disorders because I feel like I'm getting a bit obsessed. I might watch some documentaries to make myself familiar with the trails of thought that go along with it. At least that way, I got half a chance of reversing out of that road.

    Thank you so much, you have given me a bit of clarity.

    It can be hard losing your looks. But, everyone does (if they’re lucky to live long enough)
    You do get used to it. If that’s any help.

    Full disclosure: I’m 61. I’ve been young and very hot. Then cute but fat. Then I worked hard to burn it off and was hot again at 45-50. Then got disabled. At 61, I will no longer look hot to anyone but my partner.
    And that’s OK.

    You’ll be OK. I promise.

    Im personally feeling the “most attractive” that I’ve been in my life and you know what? It really hasn’t changed my life much as I expected it would.

    At best, “being hot looking” gets you some stares, an ego boost, maybe a free drink or a better chance of a job. All of which is relevant when you’re still looking to date, get hired, or get free drinks. Most of which it sounds like is not as relevant to your current life. I don’t want to speak for you, but you have a loving family, probably money to buy yourself a drink, and probably a resume to get a job.

    Anyways my point is priorities change as we get older and all the stuff that’s important when we’re young by age often fades away to make room for more interesting focuses. At least it did for my mom. She’s 61 and loving her life now that she can focus on being herself and not pleasing some sort of societal standards for women. Not gonna lie though, it was a bit scary for her for a while cause she had to form her identity around something outside of looks.

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