I'm mad I need to lose weight.

nyctina · September 2021

This is a bit of a vent, but after losing about 25lbs last year, I put it back on plus some this year. I'm literally the biggest I've ever been.

I know I need to lose the weight - and it's not about "looking good" or "fitting into old clothes" but more because I know it's better for me now and in the long term.

My family is not skinny, one of my professions is in the pastry field and the other is academics. I'm never going to weigh what the macros or doctors want and I'm fine with that. My goal is to lose about 75lb. Anything beyond that is gravy.

Now the reason I'm mad is because while I know I need to lose weight, I have absolutely no motivation to. I'm a stress eater and my life is beyond stressful right now...I'm just tired

.

My dad is unwell so I have to help my mom with him
I also have to help her around the house because she's older
I have to babysit my niece a couple of times a week (I love her to death)
I am helping my nephew with school because he's going remote (he's a great kid but you know teenagers)
I have 2 1/2 jobs that have tons of paperwork, so my work day doesn't have a set start or end time and I'm always trying to keep up (I'm always on the lookout for a new job so I can have one instead of 2+)
I get offered freelance work that I usually take because it helps pay the bills
I have a older property I'm managing that needs work and has tenants so I have to keep an eye on things
I have personal health issues (not weight related) that I have to deal with
I do most of the cooking in the house to give my mom a break and dad's picky with what he eats...and I need to make sure he eats

.

So that's a good idea why I gained some of this weight. I also started working from home so I'm not moving as much (actually has helped an ankle problem I had, go figure with the weight gain).

I'm mad because now on top of everything I have going on, I NOW have to lose weight and think about how to do it. It's not like any of these things are going to change anytime soon...and my family is all doing the best they can so I'm not mad at anyone, it just is what it is.

I don't know if going into weight loss with this kind of attitude is good or bad. I'm honestly indifferent. It's just another thing on the list...

Even thinking about it makes me tired.

I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone else that perhaps felt this way or was trying to lose weight while being an adult caregiver. No disrespect to people with kids but taking care of older adults/parents can weigh on you completely differently.

Thanks for letting me vent.

booboo1000 · September 2021

Hi!

Yep, I lost 60 pounds a few years ago and then gained back most of it. A few months before COVID started, I decided to stop gaining. It's not that I ate the right foods for my health, but I stopped eating chips instead of dinner and milk chocolate candies that offered no value in my nutrition. I lost a bit in that process.

Then the COVID guidelines made it clear that I was at high risk of a bad outcome, so I used that as a motivation and moved into have a goal for weight loss. I had to turn the fear of the known *and* the unknown into positive motivation. Others depended on me and I had to do my best to stay healthy for them.

I reassessed my goals every couple of months as we learned more about COVID. I did not think two years ago when I started this that I would make the decisions to lose as much as I have, but I did make that decision over time and with my doctor's input.

So, I would suggest small changes. Build them slowly into your life both for you and to limit the impact on your parents. Realizable goals, such as 10 pounds in (no less than) 2 months, (although the first few weeks may have significant loss.)

A couple of weeks after you've made some changes, add a few more. You are relearning healthy behaviors and need to build them into habits. Some thoughts:

Stock up on crunchy foods you can prep for stress eating, such as apples, pears, pepper strips, jicama, carrots, celery, radishes and eat plain or with a yogurt dip if you need. Measure out nuts into small containers in advance.

Measure foods whenever you can to relearn serving sizes. Think about planning your meals a day or two in advance and log them in the night before.

Find fiber rich foods you enjoy. (Spiced oatmeal with cocoa powder is my favorite meal of the day and I mix up packets of it in advance for the next 10 days.)

If you do eat something you "shouldn't," don't give up on the day or the week. Enjoy what you've eaten, try to eat less of it than you would have in the past, and move on immediately.

I didn't restart with MFP until 9 months into the process, and possibly would have done better if I had. I now log everything I eat and the last thing I do at night is fill in my food diary for the next day. This time around I don't eat back my calories as I walk several times a week but don't work out. In a couple of months I will be dealing with a lot of snow and might eat an extra tablespoon of nuts those days.

Don't beat yourself up over the past. Move forward slowly but surely and have a plan, but be flexible. You've done this before and you can do it again.

ForLangston · September 2021

I hear you on so many levels, esp that this is one more thing with multiple components to add to your life. Your health though is so worth the effort so I'm wishing you luck on your health journey!!

As a caregiver to some of my elders, I decided that I needed to carve out time for exercise (even it's 10-20 mins). I also noticed that though I hate batch cooking and having to prepare meals all the time, it always tastes better and makes me feel better to be in control of what I'm eating. I eat out twice a week just to get a break from cooking/baking. What's helped me also is being part of the Ultimate Accountability Group on MFP. We check in daily to say did I track my calories, did I exercise, and did I remain within calories? It's a supportive space with folks who are new and seasoned so the tips are also great. Here's the info in case you'd like to check us out:
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/group/141327-ultimate-accountability-challenge-september-2021

Again, much luck to you!

foreverslim1111 · September 2021

It sounds like you angry at yourself because you have taken on too many obligations to your family and don't have any energy left over to take care of yourself and your own needs.

Some suggestions:

Cut back on those obligations where you can. It sounds to me like you have let your family take advantage of you and your helping, loving nature toward them. Maybe less babysitting, tutoring, cooking for everyone.

Carve out some time for yourself. Maybe take a private hour, first thing in the morning, where you have time to relax, dream, think. It's different for everyone so you have to find what ever it is that helps you relax. Cup of tea? Warm bath? Once you are not so stressed, and have time for a little self care, you might find you don't need to "stress eat".

If you let you family know that you feel way overextended, maybe together, you can work out alternative solutions to all the help your giving them.

Batch cooking for your parents, get you neice's parents to find a different babysitter?

Don't forget part of self care, is caring about your need to lose weight.

I hope this has been helpful. You sound like a very hard working, loyal person. You deserve a less stressful time right now and I bet you family would agree with that.

nyctina · September 2021

Thank you all for your input. Sometimes you just need to vent (even to strangers, lol) to get stuff out and hear others perspectives.

@booboo1000 - Thanks for the encouragement to just take it slow to start with small changes. I think one of the most insightful things you said was "Others depended on me and I had to do my best to stay healthy for them." Not that my own self care isn't important but that hit home.

@ForLangston - Thanks for the link. I'm glad to hear for someone who understands the added element of elder care. I'll definitely check out the group!

@foreverslim1111 - I appreciate your advice - especially about self care includes caring about being healthy. Sometimes people focus only on short lived activities to feel better and classify that as "self care". Also, I'm actually not mad at myself or my family. Everyone has highs and lows in life where things sometimes pile up and you have to deal with them. This is that point in my life. My parents are awesome people and whatever I can do to help them, I will - they've done the same for me. They also work with and support me and realize that I do have other commitments. But to your point about overextension, I have already have made plans to do some cutting back near the end of the year so that's already in the works (I actually told one of my jobs, no! It was refreshing, lol).

Thank you all again!

kshama2001 · September 2021

Glad to hear you are cutting back! Work-life balance is very important.

My partner was the caregiver for both of his elderly parents, who have since passed away. We are in Massachusetts, and he got services for them through an Elder Care company via MassHealth for a crazy low price. They were evaluated to match needs and services, so what I am about to say was for their needs and may or may not apply to your parents' needs. I'm not sure what all his father was going to get as he passed right before he was supposed to come home from the hospital, but I think someone was going to come in 5-7 days per week. His mother had someone come in three days a week and helped her with lunch and bathing. They would have helped with housecleaning, but my partner lived with her and did not need or want this service as he is a clean freak, lol.

I encouraged him to get regular massage, as being a caregiver is stressful. He found this very beneficial to his mental and physical health.

gothchiq · September 2021

So there needs to be a non food way to blow off stress, right? My husband and I tend to use video games for this purpose. If you don't have the best reflexes or aren't into combat, there are story driven games that are either point and click adventures or more like interactive novel types.

kshama2001 · September 2021

nyctina wrote: »

...

I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone else that perhaps felt this way or was trying to lose weight while being an adult caregiver. No disrespect to people with kids but taking care of older adults/parents can weigh on you completely differently.

I will be moving in with my mother in less than a month. She is turning 84 in November and if they give her an eye exam, she won't pass. I think it is mandatory for people over 75 - at that point they have to renew in person, so probably. (As it should be, for everyone's safety.)

Other than her macular degeneration, she's pretty healthy, and very active, but her short term memory is going.

Over the last few decades, we've been more friends/peers than mother/daughter, but I see the caretaking looming and am experiencing grief at the prospect of losing her as a friend, the upcoming caretaking, and her eventual death.

So for me the caretaking is about sadness and loss, which wouldn't be the case for a healthy child, so I agree it weighs differently.

I'll be 55. I lost my job during the pandemic and have no intention of returning to work *full* time. In addition to my mother, I will be taking over from her as caretaker for my brother, who has mental illness and a right hemisphere brain disorder. I do intend to find some *part* time work, but there's no way I could manage a full time job and them without having a nervous breakdown.

springlering62 · September 2021

@kshama2001 i applaud you, but want to hug and caution you.

My siblings are handicapped, and I came up with the caregiver need I see you evincing. I felt like it was my job to make my parents and their life better. I was the “normal” one and boy did I feel guilty (and was subtly encouraged to feel that way- “you’re so lucky!” was always on the edge of consciousness.)

You can reach a point where you are so exhausted, so used up, and in my case, so taken advantage of that it pulls you down like the frog in boiling water- so slowly you don’t know it’s happening.

I know you have a good heart. Just be mindful of your own needs.

kshama2001 · September 2021

springlering62 wrote: »

@kshama2001 i applaud you, but want to hug and caution you.

My siblings are handicapped, and I came up with the caregiver need I see you evincing. I felt like it was my job to make my parents and their life better. I was the “normal” one and boy did I feel guilty (and was subtly encouraged to feel that way- “you’re so lucky!” was always on the edge of consciousness.)

You can reach a point where you are so exhausted, so used up, and in my case, so taken advantage of that it pulls you down like the frog in boiling water- so slowly you don’t know it’s happening.

I know you have a good heart. Just be mindful of your own needs.

Thanks!

I'm going into this aware of caretaker burnout and with my partner, who went through this himself with his parents and has better boundaries than I do, so hopefully that helps

I'm mad I need to lose weight.

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