Today Begins the New Me

I have struggled with body image my whole life, and the last 12 years sitting between 185 and 258.

Over the last 18 months, I gained weight just to qualify for surgery, about 10 lbs.

Yesterday, insurance denied surgery for a gastric sleeve. Not one person in the last 10 months in the program told me counseling and medication were recommended by the psych for my anxiety and depression (which have been under excellent control for about 2 years!). I could have lied and said I was taking medication and going to counseling, the insurance liaison said, that they could appeal it if I just fibbed. I told her I could have actually been doing those things for real if I knew about it. She said it wasn't her business to look at my personal medical history, just as long as she got the "all clear" on her paperwork for me to move forward in the program, which she did.

I could have been less than honest about what I was eating and how I was exercising. The dietitian told me to follow keto, but then said just keep doing what you're doing, you can't lose weight or you won't qualify.

The docs didn't tell me I had GI disease which I could have done something about, they said every single test was normal. On paper, besides my weight, I am the picture of health.

I maintained weight because they told me to qualify for insurance I couldn't lose any weight, even when I was motivated to do it. It is so much harder to maintain weight when you're fat than it is to lose a few pounds. They said I didn't track my eating, but i did, just not every single day. I was diligent for months at a time.

18 months, wasted, and hopes dashed for help that I felt I desperately needed, help that would have come in just 2 weeks time, because insurance just looks at notes and numbers on paper and not me as a person and the doctors somehow failed to inform me.

I'm furious. I'm sad. I feel betrayed by the whole system. I feel left behind, the one who is always forgotten, not important enough to inform. how could I have known to ask any of those questions? I can't take the steps to change when I don't know that certain things are expected but not communicated. It sickens me that they asked me to be deceitful. That is not my character, and I will not compromise my integrity to suit their ability to appeal. As much as I wanted this, I will not sacrifice my honor.

I am not going to let this ruin me. Nobody decided my future, but me. I am the captain. I am in charge. I decide my fate.

Highest weight 258
Current weight 247
Goal weight 165