Differing calorie needs within a household

TheRobotsAreComing
TheRobotsAreComing Posts: 26 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
How do you navigate big differences in calorie amounts in your household? My partner and I have spent the past few months working on getting fitter and losing weight. He is within a week or two of hitting his goal, I am about 18-24 months away from mine.

Already his calorie requirements are huge compared to mine, and soon he will be at an increased maintenance level. He structures his calories/eating habits in a way which leaves a large amount for night time snacking. Night time snacking is my weakness! We have different goals and different habits, and that’s fine. I would hate him to preach to me about how I should be and eat, and I wouldn’t do the same to him. I know this is about how I respond to my own weight issues, and not to do with him. That said, I have had to physically walk out of the room on several occasions recently as he wolfs down a sharing pack of crisps, or chocolate while we hang out. That’s all I want to do too! (But also all the reason why I’m here where I am, so I won’t!)

Weak willpower and snacking are my biggest issues, and I have made huge strides in knocking this back and dealing with it. But avoiding it on a daily basis in my own home is getting harder to do!

Households with big differences between members daily calorie intake – how do you balance your meals and snacks so everyone gets what they need without anyone being denied/or feeling left out?

Replies

  • Butt_Snorkeler
    Butt_Snorkeler Posts: 167 Member
    I find the only real communication needed for different household diet is the groceries needed when making store trips. Lol that can be such a pain.

    I'm on a high carb diet. My wife is on a keto diet (super low carbs), so our diets could not be more different. We get around it by prepping. Dont have to fight over the kitchen when everything is prepped. Plus it helps that we both intermittent fast so we can eatat separate times if we want to.
  • ama3387
    ama3387 Posts: 242 Member
    So my husband is super in shape and very active through his job. And he has a huge sweet tooth. I am actively losing still. And sweets are a weakness. We have had the conversation that he just give me a heads up before he gets himself some sort of sweet snack. That gives me the chance to take my emotional temperature before it’s in my face. And I have found having a protein hot chocolate or some other kind of “sweet” while he’s doing that is helpful in curving the I want that craving.
  • sijomial
    sijomial Posts: 19,809 Member
    I find it easy to accomodate wildly different caloric needs because I'm the one eating double what my wife needs. :smiley:

    My portions of shared meals are bigger, I snack more often and snack far bigger than my wife. Simply put she eats to her needs and I eat to mine.

    Do think you should talk to your husband to see if he can help with not making things harder than they have to be. But ultimately you need to "spend" your calorie budget in the best way that suits you and if you have a small budget you need to spend it wisely. That might mean saving some calories for evening snacking but snacks that fit in your allowance.
  • LucieChrist
    LucieChrist Posts: 2 Member
    Eat at different times, prepare your own food. Don’t see meals as shared social events. Set aside specific time to spend together as a couple that doesn’t include eating.
  • wunderkindking
    wunderkindking Posts: 1,615 Member
    We have a sort of reverse of this situation. Meaning I'm at goal and my husband is still 40 pounds from his. I don't actually have higher calorie needs, though - he does, even in loss. the problem we have here is that HIS emotions are all weirdly out of whack and he feels guilty about eating if I'm not, or eating more than me.

    ...dude weighs 100 pounds more than I do and even low end goal will be 50lbs more than me.

    Honestly you just gotta work on it your own stuff. There's no other real way around it. Save some calories for a snack when he snacks, do pre-prepared portions, do something lower calorie as a snack, or just do something else while he's doing his thing.

    Basically, clearly you know this and all you can really do is handle your own emotions and find what works. Experiment with it now because he's going to be eating more than you forever.
  • Bella_Figura
    Bella_Figura Posts: 4,330 Member
    Xellercin wrote: »
    Okay, this is two totally separate issues.

    My household has huge calorie need differences because I'm actively losing and I'm a disabled woman, and my husband is actively gaining as he's an ultra athletic man.

    However, there are no emotional issues around this because I'm not an emotional eater, and we don't have low nutrient dense food in the house.

    We eat the exact same food, but he has larger portions, has protein shakes, and snacks on almonds, hard boiled eggs, or yogurt and granola. I don't exactly get triggered to crave anything when I see him dig into a handful of almonds, lol.

    So really, your issue is about not being on the same page in terms of shared goals.

    I TOTALLY agree that you have no right to tell him how to eat, but you DO have an obligation to communicate your needs, your struggles, and to ask your partner to work with you on developing a *shared* plan to reach *shared* goals.

    Is it easy? No, but partnerships aren't easy and these are exactly the types of challenges that either show you that your relationship is strong and that your communication skills are excellent, or that your relationship has some vulnerabilities and that you may need to work on communication.

    If you are able to communicate the discomfort and stress that his scarfing chips and chocolate causes you, then a loving partner would not just disregard that pain. They would care and be motivated to work together towards a solution.

    He doesn't have to be doing anything wrong to care about how his actions affect you. I love that my husband is active, but I have some days where I struggle with disability and I can't stand to hear him talk about his "amazing trail run". And because he understands and cares, he never takes it as a criticism when I say "I can't hear this right now".

    The challenge is "both of you* having the communication skills and commitment to be able to navigate such a vulnerable topic for both of you.

    It isn't easy, but it's worth it.

    I so agree with this. While no one likes to be nagged about their food choices, sometimes they aren't aware of the impact their behaviour is having unless it's communicated to them. People aren't mind readers.

    @TheRobotsAreComing, I'd do my best to sit down and discuss the issue at an emotionally neutral time (i.e. not when he's actually snacking and you're feeling emotional and tense!) If he has any sensitivity to your needs, he'll help to arrive at a compromise solution that allows him to enjoy his snacks, without you needing super-human reserves of willpower. If he can't enjoy a night on the sofa watching Netflix without a family bag of crisps and a bar of Cadbury's then you may need to find a different way to spend your evenings so that you enjoy quality time together doing things that he doesn't associate with endless scarfing.

    He knows he lives with someone with an emotional eating issue; hopefully he'll be willing to work around that, just as (hopefully) he wouldn't spend every evening knocking back booze if you were an alcoholic.

    To give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he thinks you have super-human willpower and aren't affected by his behaviour. Once he sees the impact it's having, hopefully he'll be willing to make some adjustments.

    Good luck!
  • rosebarnalice
    rosebarnalice Posts: 3,488 Member
    The spouse and I have completely different eating lifestyles and calorie needs, so we largely cook for ourselves.

    I'm a lifelong fatty finally at goal weight, a vegan and average 40-50 g of fiber per day from fresh and cooked produce; he's a lifelong string bean who eats mostly meat and cheese, an occasional bowl of oatmeal, and almost no veggies.

    In 37 years together, we've learned mealTIME is more about the time than the meal, and we don't food-cop each other.

    Hes not a big night snacker, but on occasion when he makes something really pungent like ribs and sour kraut that he knows will bother me, he'll eat in his computer room or the back deck rather than sitting it down next to me. I've never had to ask-- he just does it because he is thoughtful.

  • paperpudding
    paperpudding Posts: 9,302 Member
    rosebarnalice wrote: »
    The spouse and I have completely different eating lifestyles and calorie needs, so we largely cook for ourselves.

    I'm a lifelong fatty finally at goal weight, a vegan and average 40-50 g of fiber per day from fresh and cooked produce; he's a lifelong string bean who eats mostly meat and cheese, an occasional bowl of oatmeal, and almost no veggies.

    In 37 years together, we've learned mealTIME is more about the time than the meal, and we don't food-cop each other.

    Hes not a big night snacker, but on occasion when he makes something really pungent like ribs and sour kraut that he knows will bother me, he'll eat in his computer room or the back deck rather than sitting it down next to me. I've never had to ask-- he just does it because he is thoughtful.

    I guess the difference is here - he knows it would bother you.

    Does OP's husband even know this bothers her?

    I agree with poster who said have a discussion, let him know how this makes your struggle harder and ask for some compromise - could he eat it elsewhere, at different times etc

    But he needs to know it is a problem before he can offer to do anything about it.



  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    We have official night time snack time, but what may be different is we usually have it in the kitchen rather than while watching TV. We might be watching TV together, or doing something separately, then come together for snack time. I have mine and he has his, and then we're done.

    On the rare occasion that we do have it while watching TV, we'll bring one portion each. (He's not trying to lose weight - he's just good at portion control for snacky foods.)
  • Xellercin
    Xellercin Posts: 924 Member
    TheRobotsAreComing wrote: »
    Thank you so much everyone for your reasoned and well thought out replies! I was fearing a bit of a bashing tbh.

    We have an excellent partnership and can be totally honest with each other so me speaking up is not a problem. I haven’t so far because I didn’t want to come across as weird and controlling around food but it’s a relief to hear most people wouldn’t find it that way.

    We have started dishing food out more proportionally and bulking his out a bit more than mine (i.e. he eats meat where I don’t, he might have bread with a meal where I won’t). He has more calories a day than me and seems to eat lightly during the day, meaning some days he can have almost my entire daily allowance left for dinner and snacks. The end of the day is my biggest battle zone while he’s free-wheeling all kinds, so it can just get frustrating!

    Sounds like I won’t be out of line to ask him to rein it in a bit around me while I carry on working on my issues around food.

    Not exactly.

    If you read my previous response carefully, I specifically said that it is not okay for you to try and tell him what, when, or how to eat. So no, asking him to "reign it in" is not necessarily appropriate.

    What is appropriate is sharing how you are reacting to his behaviour, the struggle you are experiencing, and help him understand the impact on you of his behaviour.

    Once he understands that you need help coping with trying not to snack at night, then you can work together to come up with a solution that makes sense for both of you.

    This is a nuanced detail, but it's important. Asking him to "reign it in" implies that he's doing something wrong, when really, you are the one with the issue. It's not his job as your spouse to eat less chocolate and chips in the evening, that behaviour is not the problem. It *is* his job to care about your health and emotional well being though, and he will likely be happy to modify that behaviour to help you manage your challenges because he cares about you.

    I'm sure you understand this intuitively, and I'm not trying to pick on you, but I wanted to clarify that to perhaps help you frame your request in a way that in no way puts the blame on him. Because that's really what you want to avoid.

    You knew intuitively that you have no right to demand him to change his totally reasonable behaviour. What you are doing is asking him to care enough about your needs to want to modify his behaviour for you.

    So you really don't want him interpreting you as demanding something you have no right to demand. You want your request to be absolutely clear that what you're asking for is to be understood. Then it's up to him what to do with that understanding.
  • springlering62
    springlering62 Posts: 8,662 Member
    I’ve been doing MFP for three years and have been in maintenance for about one. I’m highly active.

    My husband started four or five weeks ago and is probably between sedentary and mildly active.

    I get about 700 more calories per day than he does. We’re both retired, so spend a lot of time in the house together.

    I make a large batch of pancakes for breakfast, enough to eat for two or three days. He simply portions out fewer than me. I like low fat Greek cream cheese and zero cal syrup on mine. He just does the syrup.

    Lunch, he’s a deli meat and chips kind of guy, and makes his own reasonable calorie lunch. I generally make massive salads with a ton of meat on the top. I’ve offered, but he side-eyes me and says he can’t even imagine eating something that large without literally busting a gut. There’s no “food jealousy” over my salad. He’s totally disinterested.

    I do a lot of snacking in the afternoon when he isn’t around, so it won’t bother or tempt him.

    If I think he’s running low (after seeing what he had for lunch and knowing what my dinner plan is), I might offer him his favorite chocolate smoothie. I give him half, and then go back and add an ingredient or two he doesn’t care for in the other half for myself. He’s happy, I’m happy.

    Dinner is the same for both of us, although I will generally have a much larger portion of meat than him, and a larger side salad.

    If for some reason I’m not home to make dinner for him, it’s deli sandwich again, or a trip to Cookout for the under 600 calorie “Cookout Tray” special.

    Dessert is usually the same for both of us, although again, my serving will usually be larger than his unless he has a lot of calories left over.

    So for us, it works pretty well eating the same foods, but just adjusting portions to our needs, and doing the heavy snacking either out of his sight, or having it be something he’s totally disinterested in (he’d rather lick the floor than have cottage cheese and fruit. His loss. More for me. )

    I struggled with it the first few weeks because I felt bad for him, and because I was used to giving him the “man’s share”, but I’ve come to terms with it, and he’s been awfully good about it himself. He’s very invested in losing some weight.

    What I thought might turn into a push me pull you has actually worked out really well. I guess we’re “adulting” our way through this. 😉
  • paperpudding
    paperpudding Posts: 9,302 Member
    TheRobotsAreComing wrote: »
    Xellercin wrote: »
    Not exactly.


    If I tell him I'm struggling he will help me by default. I think my posts have been pretty clear that I'm not going to demand or force him to change anything.

    I dont think Xellercin or anybody was suggesting you were.

    But the way you word things can make a difference to how they come across and thus to the response - thats all Xellercin was saying.

  • Xellercin
    Xellercin Posts: 924 Member
    paperpudding wrote: »
    TheRobotsAreComing wrote: »
    Xellercin wrote: »
    Not exactly.


    If I tell him I'm struggling he will help me by default. I think my posts have been pretty clear that I'm not going to demand or force him to change anything.

    I dont think Xellercin or anybody was suggesting you were.

    But the way you word things can make a difference to how they come across and thus to the response - thats all Xellercin was saying.

    Exactly, in no way was I trying to accuse or criticize, which I said in my post.

    I was simply explaining how the language used was coming off to me and offering perspective on how to frame it so that it doesn't come off that way, since that's clearly not the intention.

    People generally default to feeling accused, even if you don't intend it. As exemplified by the reaction to my reply. That's why it's SO important to try and frame things in a way that makes it ultra clear that you really don't want the person to go into defensive mode.

    It can be very tricky.
  • Jacq_qui
    Jacq_qui Posts: 443 Member
    My husband eats tonnes more than me, he has his own stash of snacks and tends to buy things i'm not overly interested in anyway. His are high calorie, mine are low calorie. We eat the same meals but he'll have at least a third more than me on his plate. I'm fine with that, I couldn't eat all that anyway. Evening snacking is often a thing, I think now he eats sufficiently in the day that he doesn't have to have anything in the evening. Since neither of us are sat in front of a tv in the evenings that helps I think. AT the weekends if we watch a film or something then there are usually snacks, but since I do most of the shopping i'm responsible for that so the onus is on me to buy stuff I'm happy to share!

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