When do you say enough is enough when it comes to family

heymommy0
heymommy0 Posts: 54
edited October 2 in Chit-Chat
I have been fighting this battle lately, I have an older sister she is 30 and I am 27 she has been mean (when I say mean I mean awful) to me for 27 years not joke she didnt want my mom to have me and it has carried on for my whole life I really wish I was being over dramatic but I am not. My parents divorced when I was 1 and she lived with my dad from 7 or 8 and I lived with my mom, well I it just never got any better and over the last few years it is getting worse, I had a child before she did and oh my that set things off then when she was trying for her second for two years I happened to get pregnant with my third child and it got even worse from there, she is the idea daughter she does everything right ect, so anytime my sister and I have a spat my family gets on to me or on my sisters side and I really dont know what to do at this point, I dont tell my family any of our arguments because that is petty but she does and it always makes me look like the butt. This has kind of carried over with a few other family members at this point, my dad and I are not close, my dads dad and his wife and I are not that close because she kisses butt and I dont. Well to my point they have all really really upset me lately and I am to the point where I am done with it all I would rather just say forget it and have nothing more to do with any of them because it just makes me miserable when we fight and causes me stress which affects my family life with my kids and my husband. So my question is when do you say enough is enough? Do you give up on family or do you let them keep hurting you over and over again? Because they are family

Replies

  • Johnnyswife
    Johnnyswife Posts: 1,447 Member
    Cut them off and give yourself some peace of mind. Your children will learn from your actions. Are you teaching them its okay to let people treat you like crap because they are related to you, or do you teach them to stand up for themselves and to learn when to walk away?
    Your the only one who can really decide what to do. I haven't talked to my mom in a long time over some drama that she won't let go. She has my number when she is ready to move on. Until than, I am happy in my life and don't miss the drama. :flowerforyou:
  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
    Allen & I have officially adopted you! Poppie and Sisser are now your siblings. They adore you!

    You have to put up boundaries. The difference now as uppossed to when you were a kid is that you didnt have a say so as to what was in your life. You are an adult now. You are the boss of you.

    With that said, you just be the best daughter and sister that you can and thats all you can control. When she wants to start drama just let her. People will figure it out. Even family.

    I made amends with my sister for my own sanity. I just keep her at arms length and I have had to learn to shut my mouth and let her live her life however she wants. You have to just live your life.

    p.S. thank goodness she isnt in your neighborhood! thats right, I said it.
  • SueInAz
    SueInAz Posts: 6,592 Member
    My two sisters are like this, both are younger and we are all about a year apart. The middle one has never been nice to the younger one even though the younger one has tried really hard to do nice things for the middle one. Thankfully, the middle sister moved away years ago so they no longer really have to see or deal with each other. The last time was at my grandmother's funeral in 2007 and, boy was that just ugly. You'd think the middle sister would have grown up and mellowed out in the 15 years since they've really seen each other, but she hasn't. She's the kind to hang on to every slight or perceived injustice.

    Unfortunately, middle sister is coming home for our mom's birthday in November. While I'm happy to see her again (I get along okay with her and great with younger sister) I know it's going to be friction and hurt feelings all over again. I'm dreading it.

    Given the above, my best advice is just to have as little contact as possible with the family members you're having difficulty with. It's not doing any of you any good to continue to live with that kind of stress and pettiness. There are certain times you'll have to see them, of course, but I'd advise to ignore your sister, even walk away if she says or does something without responding to her in any way. She'll eventually get the point that you aren't planning to socialize with her. If you're comfortable with it, I'd suggest letting her know just that.
  • LongMom
    LongMom Posts: 408 Member
    I have a family that I have "given up on" but get this, they don't know!

    My family is really screwed up, mostly due to Mental illness that no one wishes to acknowledge. I had to make a choice, continue to invest my time/feelings into people who were in no way doing the same or "give up". Once I had kids, that choice became abundantly clear and I just stopped caring. It was easy, I have two little girls who NEED me to care :)

    I never said anything to anyone, but I did stop reaching out to them. Surprise surprise, they just went on their merry ways.

    Now if a family event happens or someone rolls through town, I do meet up with them. I'm respectful and kind. I do express love (even though no one else does) and I do "leave my door open" (not like anyone else does lol) for them to ask me for help etc. but underneath it all, I just don't care anymore. I'm not changing any of them and I have two little lives that need moulding - and I want them to be the opposite of my family!

    *hUgS* families are always complicated :)
  • kapeluza
    kapeluza Posts: 3,434 Member
    My sister and I don't really get a long that much. She became all religious and started trying to enforce her religion on me and my mom. Anyway, long story short she is a raging ***** to us but a saint to her damn church friends. I just keep my distance and I am civil with her. Sometimes she makes me want to punt kittens into traffic.
  • Hoppymom
    Hoppymom Posts: 1,158 Member
    Wow! The story of my life! Mental illness, people who blow everything out of proprtion, controlling mom who can't figure out why no one comes at Christmas, everyone is a "low-life" if they don't follow their moral code,.....................! Oopps sorry, overshare.

    I let go a long time ago. Some of us stay very lose, others are occasionally in my life but there are certain people who I do not discuss in front of them or they get angry. No one EVER gets together completely as family as two of my sibs refuse to have anything to do with Mom. I think of the time when I had no contact with my mom for about ten months. She had been horrible about my two yr. old who told her "no." Mom said my daughter should have been slapped. Sorry that was your way not mine. Then she tried to tell me what a horrible controlling person my husband was. WHAT??!!! This from the crazy person who hits two year olds? My husband is one of the most mellow laid back people I know. It was just too much for me so I "divorced" her for about ten months. Decided what I could and couldn't live with and then reconnected. I know that she has mental health issues and I account for that but when she starts raging about this person or that I stop her and say I am not going to talk about _______that way. If she starts again I say it again keeping my voice calm and quiet.
    My two sisters stay away from each other most of the time too. They have other history that gets in the way. When they are together they are civil. I love my family but in reality families are people who are forced by birth or marriage to live together. We all have different personalities and some just can't find a position of compromise. You are right to cut them off. Please think though how this affects your relationship with your own children in the long run. Make sure that you explain to them when they are old enough that while you love your family that things have been said that are abusive and unkind and that you don't deserve to be treated badly and that you didn't want them to be exposed to the behavior that you have discribed. You don't wnat them to cut you off when they are older so be sure that they have a clear understanding that this is a long running and painful relaionship not a one time I'M ANGRY kind of thing.

    Long story sorry . I am glad that I walked away for a while. I stay connected when I feel able and when she criticizes I consider the source. Plus I live 7 hours away. That helps. Good luck with this tough decision.
  • Tambra1030
    Tambra1030 Posts: 7
    Yes, it is okay to give up on family. You did not choose them (like friends, spouse etc) and there does come a time when enough is enough! I did this with my adopted Dad seven years ago and it has removed so much stress from my life. Do my adopted sister and her extended family think I am horrible -- absolutely! Did they think I was horrible when I was trying to do all the right things and was the only one caring for him for years -- absolutely! My point -- sometimes you just cannot win with some people and unfortunately those people are more often than not family members. So, you and Josh have your own family now and your first priority is them. These other people are adults and can fend for themselves and it looks like they will not have any problem doing that so move on and just don't return calls and most importantly -- DO NOT GIVE INTO THE GUILT TRIPS they will try to book for you over and over and over. If anyone else treated you like your sister has you would have told them to take a flying leap a long time ago and sharing the same blood does not make it alright to treat someone the way she has treated you. Some people think that family should be forgiven and held close no matter what -- well to those I say -- you don't have the family I have and most likely don't have the family you have either. It is called survival and not only that but you need to thrive for you and your kids. Kick 'em to the curb girl and don't look back. Build you own new traditions (with the holidays coming) and after awhile they will feel like you have been doing it forever without the added stress -- it is actually fun without them around to rain on your day over and over and over again. Love you girl! So glad we have reconnected. You are one of the most decent people I know and I am proud to know you.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Cord......Sissors.....CUT....NOW

    Enjoy life.
  • Frankenbarbie01
    Frankenbarbie01 Posts: 432 Member
    Yes.....It is MORE than OK to just say enough!!!
    Since the death of my mother I have a very....cool and formal relationship with my extended family. I finally made the choice that I do not like who I have to be to suit them. They had the ability to make me feel like a smaller version of myself. I was always left questioning my WORTH after spending time with them. I have removed myself from all the drama, I'm not into it and I got sick of feeling bad about who I was when I was with them................Essentially I FIRED them!! I feel _____when I'm with you, when you say and do _____. I will not let you do that to me any longer. Good-bye.
    I am far healthier and happier for it.
    There is a reason people grow up and leave the nest to surround themselves with people who make them feel good about the people they are. You should allow yourself that small pleasure.
  • heymommy0
    heymommy0 Posts: 54
    I just want to say thank you everyone for the support it really means a lot I just keep thinking I am in the wrong for wanting to give up but after all of you guys kind works I feel much better, I am so lucky to have suchs great friends in my life that have taken me in as a daughter, best friend cousin aunt ect. Again thank you all.
  • Qarol
    Qarol Posts: 6,171 Member
    The people in my "family" don't necessarily share DNA with me. Really, I have no room in my life for toxic people. And she sounds toxic.
  • Ireshgurl
    Ireshgurl Posts: 559
    Honey, just because they're related by blood, does NOT make them family. Actions, support, and love do. It sounds like it's more then time to cut the thread and move on. You don't need that kind of stress in your life and don't deserve it. Let them be the "perfect" family and you live your life how you want it, stress free.
  • ilookthetype
    ilookthetype Posts: 3,021 Member
    The people in my "family" don't necessarily share DNA with me. Really, I have no room in my life for toxic people. And she sounds toxic.

    In college I met some girls we refer to one another as "The Family" our families ask "Is The Family coming for...." It is totally acceptable to cut ties, reconnect later if you want, but you don't have to take crap from your family because they're your family.
  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
    Yes, it is okay to give up on family. You did not choose them (like friends, spouse etc) and there does come a time when enough is enough! I did this with my adopted Dad seven years ago and it has removed so much stress from my life. Do my adopted sister and her extended family think I am horrible -- absolutely! Did they think I was horrible when I was trying to do all the right things and was the only one caring for him for years -- absolutely! My point -- sometimes you just cannot win with some people and unfortunately those people are more often than not family members. So, you and Josh have your own family now and your first priority is them. These other people are adults and can fend for themselves and it looks like they will not have any problem doing that so move on and just don't return calls and most importantly -- DO NOT GIVE INTO THE GUILT TRIPS they will try to book for you over and over and over. If anyone else treated you like your sister has you would have told them to take a flying leap a long time ago and sharing the same blood does not make it alright to treat someone the way she has treated you. Some people think that family should be forgiven and held close no matter what -- well to those I say -- you don't have the family I have and most likely don't have the family you have either. It is called survival and not only that but you need to thrive for you and your kids. Kick 'em to the curb girl and don't look back. Build you own new traditions (with the holidays coming) and after awhile they will feel like you have been doing it forever without the added stress -- it is actually fun without them around to rain on your day over and over and over again. Love you girl! So glad we have reconnected. You are one of the most decent people I know and I am proud to know you.

    this!
    P.S. Allen & I have actually gotten in our car and drove over to a friends house on the street over from us cause his SIL was coming by to drop something off. we said just leave it on the porch if were not home. Sad but we all have nuts in our family. We cant pick them but we damn sure dont have to let them abuse us.
    P.S.S. yes I know we are cowards! lol just couldnt spend 5 minutes with her. I would rather eat dirt.
  • PlunderBunneh
    PlunderBunneh Posts: 1,705 Member
    Been there, done that, with my little sister. Not getting into the story, but she royally effed everyone in the family, many times. She gets "better" and then bends us all over and effs us again. This last time, I was very clear with her, told her I was done with it, that I was saddened by the end of our friendship, but I have my own family and myself to protect from her manipulations.
    Cut her out of your life. You don't have to be mean about it, but remove yourself from that situation. Family is a strong tie, but you aren't the one that has been weakening it for years.
  • Kalrez
    Kalrez Posts: 655 Member
    You're an adult. You get to choose who is or isn't in your life - including family.

    In my youth, I didn't have a choice but to associate with certain groups of family. I never liked them, hated being around them and their messy drama. Now that I'm an adult, I just don't bother to include them in anything. They don't get invited to events that I host because I don't want them there.

    Blood may be what binds you, but it doesn't have to strangle you. Life is so much better without jerks. Cut 'em out of your life and move on.
  • heymommy0
    heymommy0 Posts: 54
    this!
    P.S. Allen & I have actually gotten in our car and drove over to a friends house on the street over from us cause his SIL was coming by to drop something off. we said just leave it on the porch if were not home. Sad but we all have nuts in our family. We cant pick them but we damn sure dont have to let them abuse us.
    P.S.S. yes I know we are cowards! lol just couldnt spend 5 minutes with her. I would rather eat dirt.
    [/quote]

    Ha ha I can so see you doing that, you know a lot of the drama and it has just gotten worse lately and I have had enough I have triedd to stay away but she just keeps coming back for more and more so now I am just "deleting" he from my life so I dont have to deal with it, you may have 5 extra quest at your house for holidays =)
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