Motivation and Discipline... where are you?

Note> skip to bottom if you don't want a novel...

I've been at this good livin' thing now for almost a decade. I would agree with the sentiment of getting passed the notion of a wagon that you're either on or off. Certainly there have been times where my nutrition, exercise, sleep, etc is optimized and things are just very on point...but realistically, that's not going to be all of the time and I've had plenty of times where things were just ok or decent or even downright crap (looking at you 2020 and 2021).

I've also learned over the years that at times I have to take a step back and evaluate what I'm doing and whether or not what I am doing is sustainable going forward or if I'm just having a temporary set back that will resolve itself or if I just need to re-think my plan altogether. Things change and life circumstances change and things that were sustainable and productive at one juncture in life may not be at another...or if things have been crap for awhile, how can I get myself to a better place?

One mistake I think a lot of people make is having had some time with less than optimal nutrition or fitness and wanting to get back into a better groove and they auto default to thinking of just going back to exactly what they were doing before without stepping back and asking what happened in the first place and really sitting down and evaluating what to do going forward.

I've been there, and it can be paralyzing because I think about I was doing X, Y, and Z before and anything less must be a waste of time or just not good enough...so I try but already feel defeated before I start because I know I just can't do X, Y, and Z...at least not right now because X, Y, and Z don't really fit into my current goings on to be sustainable and productive. And so I waste a lot of time battling myself instead of just coming up with a better plan that does fit.

Just as an example, I went into maintenance in the spring of 2013. Shortly thereafter, while training for a sprint triathlon I discovered a passion for cycling and all things bike. I took a really deep dive into endurance road cycling for the better part of five years, mostly 1/2 century rides, typically 3 or 4 events per season. If you're not familiar with endurance cycling, think in running terms...basically 5 years of training for and doing 3-4 half marathons per season. In essence, it's a ton of time and training with really only a few months break at the end of a calendar year when the season is over...then it's right back to training after the holidays to get ready for upcoming spring events.

2017 was the last season I remember actually enjoying myself, and even then, it had become a bit of a slog in September and October. I was burning out but refused to recognize it. It wasn't just the training either, it was life in general. A lot of things had changed over those years...my kids were getting older and in school and started having homework and then youth sports with practices and games and a promotion for me with new responsibilities and expectations and in general life just got more "crowded" and I just kept filling my plate with more.

2018 was a *kitten* show and I hated everything about that season. The passion was gone and every training bout was a chore and there was no looking forward to events like I used to...but I slogged through, pretty much hating everything about what I was doing. But I had a silver lining moment that season...I didn't realize at the time obviously, but it was a silver lining none the less. I had an event in late May which I completed and was scheduled to start the 4 event time trial series in July and running through August when I was hit with injury. Initially I didn't think it was that big of a deal and I did my first time trial run in July and just pushed through it...bad idea. I ended up sidelined for the rest of the season with a pinched nerve in my upper back that resulted in little to no feeling in my right arm for the better part of 2 months with physical therapy and then slow resolution over another couple of months.

Initially I was pretty pissed...a little depressed and an overall feeling of what's next. But it also gave me plenty of time to think and evaluate what I was doing. I wasn't happy. I wasn't enjoying myself. But at the same time, I felt like anything less was just not good enough. All in all I ended up being off the bike from August through December. In that time I ultimately determined that what I was doing wasn't working and even though healed, the idea of resuming my training in January brought on a sense of dread. In November and December I kept trying to make myself get on the bike to at least spin a bit so I would be ready to resume training...but I was paralyzed by this dread and would just end up doing nothing...which made me feel even worse.

January rolled around and my bike was mounted on my indoor trainer in my bedroom as it always was during the winter months. I would look at my bike everyday and just think...I can't do it...I really can't. I remember one weekend my wife sitting down to talk to me as she knew it was bothering me and she knew I was paralyzed by this dread. She is very smart and a very balanced person...she is a runner and familiar with training as she would generally do a half marathon every year.

I told her, "I just can't do it." "Do what?" "IT...train...spend all of those hours slogging away miles." "I don't think you have to do IT," is what she said. Basically she asked me why I felt like I couldn't just go out for a ride and have fun and get some exercise...maybe just ride 3-4 days per week without any kind of structure or need to complete a certain number of miles...just ride. I mean that's basically what she does running...she doesn't train all of the time for a half marathon, she just ramps up a couple months before an event...but otherwise just goes out to jog a few miles each day.

It resonated and I started looking at my bike and thinking...I could go for a ride for 20 or 30 minutes and just enjoy myself...or just ride down to the corner store and back to pick up some milk...I don't need to grind out 30 miles today. I made peace with it and it got me back in the saddle...I don't do anywhere near what I used to, but that's ok...I do something and I'm enjoying myself again and without a rigid training protocol, I have time to do other things I enjoy like hiking or mountain biking or just playing in the pool or jumping on the trampoline with my kids or taking them to the skate park and shamelessly riding my little kick scooter at 47 years old while teenagers roll their eyes at me. Most of what I do these days is just active recreation. I do have a few events coming up, but I'm not doing anymore than 25 miles...in runners terms, about a 10K run. Very doable without doing anything in particular training wise as I'm on my bike regularly just riding.

TL/DR...sometimes we just need to evaluate what we were doing and whether or not it works and is sustainable or if we need another plan that will keep us fit and healthy and active without the dread. What is good at one juncture in life isn't always good at another. Everything changes.