How do I use the past as a road map rather than a road block?

pridesabtch · March 2022

I’m 48 and starting over with my fitness.

At 38, I went all in for fitness, starting from weak, slow and heavier than I should be. I joined MFP as NotFortyYet. I shredded it! After I hit 40 I became Rides4sanity and I was very fit. Profile picture is from the old days, a goal shot.

I’m small 5’1” and I was 105# and 17% BF. I ran half marathons, lifted, taught spin classes and was training for the state time trials. I was doing & winning/placing in the TT series. On weekends I wasn’t racing I was riding sub 5 hour centuries or running races. I loved riding. I loved everything about it. (I ran & lifted because it helped my riding). Every time I rode it was a race with guys I couldn’t really catch, so each ride was a challenge but I thrived on it. I rode 100-200 miles a week. Then the state time trial was canceled. I just broke, mentally. Went from manic to depressed…

I started having panic attacks when I rode. I made a complete *kitten* out of myself on a group ride, I lost it in front of the guys. One guy hung back with me, he said it was similar to PTSD. I had no recent source of trauma. I mean I’d had bad wrecks, concussions, broken bones etc., but nothing recent. No excuse for what happened. I put the bike away for the winter.

This led to a long period of darkness in my life. The next spring I wasn’t even able to ride. I had a mental block. I would sit on my bike and cry, afraid to lift my plant leg. I didn’t just stop riding, I stopped going to the gym. I stopped everything that made me me. It’s like I gave up on life. With therapy and meds, I’m doing better. This is great, but now I’m left starting over.

My new name says it all, my pride is getting in my way. I need to figure out how to start over without feeling like a failure every damn day.

I closed my Strava account from my glory days, because comparison was killing my joy.

I doubt I’ll ever get back to that level, it isn’t maintainable for me at this stage in my life. I think I’m ok with that, but I need to get back to being able to ride with friends meaning with climbs 16+mph or 20mph flat.

As I said I’m finally riding again, but I still panic if I come to a hill. I know at my current weight and fitness level West Virginia “hills” aren’t my friends. I’m so afraid of failing the climb, I don’t even try. How do I get past this fear of failure? My therapist is great, but she doesn’t understand biking at the level I want to bike at or the level of competitive I am.

Spring season is upon us, and having to start over is killing me. Zwift breaks my heart. The Peleton is tough even when I turn off the leader board. Spin class is a welcome reprieve, though I’m very conscious of my size. Riding the flat rail trails is okay, but I know it’s a cop out.

So how do I put the pride aside and be proud of the fact that I’m trying again? The past is gone, but it should give me courage because I’ve done it before, right?

Beautyofdreams · March 2022

Don’t know if this will help but here goes. On May9, 2009, I weighed 233 lbs. and had just undergone a kidney/pancreas transplant at the age of 48. Started my new lifestyle six weeks later after leaving the hospital with a MRSA infection using a walker. Was back for a 16 hour surgery on September 2010 to remove scar tissue that was strangling my intestines and 15” of small intestine, appendix and an ovary. Restarted my journey of lifting weights and walking and jogging, and kettlebells. Lost to 137 pounds and maintained at 140 at 5’7”.
Regained most of the weight lost due to injury and not knowing how to count calories. Started my fitness journey again in 2020 at 223.4 pounds with a few injuries along the way and am now 134.4 pounds.

Therapy, cognitive behavior training have helped me. Focusing on the positive aspects instead of the past. In your case, you are healthy and doing what you love. Many people don’t get that opportunity. Channeling your competitive nature to compete with yourself instead of others is helpful. And when it gets hairy, what would happen if you didn’t ride up that hill as fast as before? You would still be able to ride up it again. Each time you ride focus on what you learned about yourself from the last time and build on improving that aspect. Set small goals and celebrate each success. They are steps in this journey. Believe in yourself and be grateful for each current success as you recover. You didn’t immediately become successful when younger but now you know things your younger self did not know. Use those experiences to your advantage as you increase your fitness. These strategies have helped me. Hope there was something applicable to your situation. Wishing you success.

pridesabtch · March 2022

I’ve often said “I’ve never met a hill I couldn’t walk.” Of course, I was saying it to other back then. Now I need to take my own advice and give it a go. Thanks for the reminder.

NorthCascades · March 2022

I don't really know what to say. Hugs! Cycling is great, it was my first fitness love and I've never stopped loving it, I can't say bad things. But you deserve not to go through that. I don't know where the point is that it's doing more harm than good and that there isn't enough hope of that changing. But there are other sports.

emmamcgarity · March 2022

The old adage “start where you are” is what comes to mind.

I personally don’t have cycling experience, but I am a runner. Due to regaining most of the weight I had lost over the past two years, and skipping runs or running shorter distances, then just stopping running, I lost the progress I had made. So here I am rebuilding base mileage. And here I am losing the weight again. I’m upset with myself, but it is what it is. I’d like to be out running 9 miles. Instead, I’m celebrating that I’m up to 2 mile runs this week. But that’s where I am. I’ve encouraged new runners in the past, so now it’s time to offer myself some of that same coaching and encouragement. Next week I plan to cheer myself on through my 2.5 mile runs, and eventually I’ll be back at a higher volume of running. As for the weight, I know it will come off in time. I’d like for it to be faster, but that’s just not where I am. Where am I on the weight loss journey? I just crossed the line to put me in the overweight bmi instead of the obese bmi. Happyscale says I’ll reach my goal in October.

So, right now, you’re not sure if you can make that hill. Not knowing enough about cycling to know the strategies, I’d encourage you to think of what you might say to a new cyclist approaching that hill to encourage him/her? You deserve that same kindness and encouragement from yourself. Find a way to reward yourself mentally for the hard things you try, even if you fail. I’m sincerely cheering you on.

ciaoder · March 2022

I had been a "lifestyle mountain biker" until my hips went bad. Top 10's on the leaders board (Strava is so cool right up until it isn't...it takes over) vacation home at the Kingdom Trails in VT, and a stable full of bikes. I even have a couple of miles of trails here at the house. My hips went bad starting at 44 but I tried to tough it out...ride through the pain. I had double total replacement at age 46 and haven't ever really gotten back. I'm 52 now.

This year I'm all in. I've even stopped working full time so I can pursue it. My plan is to strip back all the tech and embellishment and just ride bikes. I'm not logging mileage, not running a gps or even a clock. No changing out tires for specific conditions or going to bike shops or riding with groups. Just me exploring a trail on an old 26er.

flourzenbaker · March 2022

I'm new here but honestly it looks like you have more experience than 80% of the people here .... perhaps you should be telling us what the road map should be and I would happily follow you sir!

But seriously stop beating yourself up the answer your searching for has already found you....

You already know what needs to be done mate.

Hope it helps

Never give up

Djproulx · March 2022

I'm quite a bit older than you, but your story resonates with me. Ten years ago, at 54 years old, I realized that I was working myself to death at a sales job that required both long hours and lots of travel. At 5'7", my weight had ballooned to 235lbs. I was sedentary, sitting at a computer on endless conference calls day and night.

I finally made some changes and with the help of a trainer, lost roughly 50lbs. I rekindled my gym and running habit, then moved into triathlons. As my fitness improved, my competitive nature really kicked in. I thrived in a group of very fit friends, and many weekends included some type of friendly competition whether swimming, cycling or running. During this period, I completed a bunch of triathlons. It became a lifestyle.

But there was another side to my story. My competitive nature sometimes got the better of me. I spent too much time pouring over my race results, training splits and age group placement with the constant goal of moving to the front of the pack. Even though I was often in the top third of all finishers, I just could not catch the guys on the podium and that bugged me to no end. My wife finally told me that I was taking all the joy out of something I loved, and that it would cost me both friends and my well being if I didn't regain a sense of balance.

The other point she made was that our group's mentality of "Death Before DNF" was unhealthy and would do long term damage if we didn't change. She offered numerous examples among those in our group who showed up at her office (orthopedic surgeons) for treatment of injuries: Running with a hairline fracture, chronic achilles tendonitis, labral tears, knee issues, etc. Not to mention the informal tally of how many of us had run ourselves right into the medical tent at marathons/Ironman events. She ended by saying that the reason she wouldn't volunteer at any more long course races was that it was too upsetting to see athletes crossing the finish line in such physical and emotional distress.

Looking back to 2018, I realize that what happened that year was a blessing in disguise. After my best results in 2017, I signed up for the IM Mont Tremblant race and began training. Though I was using a coach, my nagging achilles issue was an undercurrent that stuck with me through the spring. When we made a group trip for a training camp weekend at Mt Tremblant, my achilles issue was too bad to hide. I fell way behind on an easy group run and when my coach came looking for me in her car, I wouldn't let her give me a ride back to the house. I limped the two miles back instead. The race didn't go that well either. I walked most of the marathon. So, despite finishing the Ironman with over 2 hrs to spare before cutoff, I was VERY depressed.

The change came when I went through the fall trying every remedy I could think of. Finally, my wife's chiropractor gave me the naked truth: Stop everything for a year and he would fix my achilles. It was awful to be sidelined, but he helped me heal. Then, as I started training again, COVID cancelled all races. Another bummer.

Despite that, I've learned that the experience of riding (running, swimming) and camaraderie is the most important aspect and not to be taken for granted, so I don't get as focused on always pushing for results. So I now try to keep this thought in mind: "Its about progress, not perfection". This year's A race will be an example of the fun of racing. The Clash Watkins Glen race in July will be a chance for 20 of us to spend a long weekend in the Finger Lakes region of NY, and enjoy a race that ends right inside the Finger Lakes Wine Fest.

Best of luck in your return to fitness. Try to enjoy the process, the results will come.

MikePfirrman · March 2022

I've probably never reached your level of fitness, but I do indoor rowing (on the Concept2).

I lost my weight at around 45 years old (I'm 57 now). I had come a long way already because I had a devastating knee injury at 41 that took me two years just to be able to walk again (nearly a year to walk at all and two years to walk without a severe limp).

Despite that (and losing 90 lbs), I just worked gradually at cardio and strength training. After two or three years, I started jogging -- literally 100 steps. I counted! From there within another two years, I was running trail races (the furthest around 10 to 12 miles but pretty rough elevations). I finished near the back of the pack but I loved the competitive races and was hooked.

My "good knee" acted up for a year with Chronic Runner's knee and I had to move to rowing for rehab. I ended up liking rowing more than running. It was such a nice treat not to sit in pain for hours after working out!

Found out I wasn't all that terrible with my rowing times compared to others and found out there were actually (I know, hard to believe) Indoor "Regattas" where machine rowers would race in a gym -- most my age being either hardcore Cross Fitters or former College Crew. Went to my first race and finished 2nd and just got destroyed by a guy near 60 that did a 6:47 2K, just insane for someone that age! I was in awe that this mountain of a man could be that strong at nearly 60! I was hooked.

Before you knew it, most of my online "friends" were other rowers, I was finishing first every year at the local race in Cincy and ended up finishing second in the Midwest (barely missing 1st) at Indy a few years later. Flirted with a sub-7 minute 2K at age 53, which is semi-nationally competitive for my age group.

Then, I injured my disc. For a year, I couldn't row. I did elliptical and the Assault Bike to stay in shape, but my times fell off the map. Instead of having my goals of breaking 7 minutes on the 2K being over 50, the goal was just to row again or spend more than 5 minutes on the rower without the back killing me. After 2/3 years of hard work, I'm just starting to see improvements.

Despite all of that, I stayed in my online rowing club. I'm a member of Sub-7 indoor rowing club, which has around 20 World Record holders in it and just a bad *kitten* group of rowers world wide. Many are also champions on the water, including the US's best hope for an individual Olympic Gold medal (the US men last won an individual Olympic Gold in like 1932!).

Understand, when I joined this online group, I had decent (not great) times. I was invited to the group because I was progressing so fast that I was about to break 7 minutes and that would have put me up there in the world rankings over 50. Now, I struggle to do sub 8, but I'm slowly creeping back. I also understood part of the reason I injured my back was working around my bad knee and overusing my upper body (a common mistake from people that have never rowed on the water with proper one-on-one coaching).

Most of the stronger women in this group (which includes some REALLY strong women WR holders galore) beat my times. As a male rower, even though I know in my head I shouldn't have my ego bruised, I do. Weight is important in rowing and a guy nearly 200 lbs shouldn't be beaten by someone that's 145 lbs! But it's just my arrogance and pride. And despite my slow times, every single person in the group keeps encouraging me and is inspired by my fortitude and commitment.

To them (and now me), I understand better after I've let me ego go. It's about the effort they see me making day in and day out. My times, in reality, were never going to compete for any World Records or win important races. What my friends in rowing care about is that I commiserate and suffer with them and train nearly as hard as anyone. They encourage me and I them. I'm their biggest cheerleader and they've been more than happy to cheer me on and encourage the little improvements that I've made. Just in the past month or two, my improvements have been bigger and I'm finally starting to believe again that I might be able to race in a year or so.

I thought about quitting many times but the only one that I was letting down was myself. I would have let down everyone else a lot more by not trying with them.

pridesabtch · March 2022

MikePfirrman wrote: »

I've probably never reached your level of fitness, but I do indoor rowing (on the Concept2).

I lost my weight at around 45 years old (I'm 57 now). I had come a long way already because I had a devastating knee injury at 41 that took me two years just to be able to walk again (nearly a year to walk at all and two years to walk without a severe limp).

Despite that (and losing 90 lbs), I just worked gradually at cardio and strength training. After two or three years, I started jogging -- literally 100 steps. I counted! From there within another two years, I was running trail races (the furthest around 10 to 12 miles but pretty rough elevations). I finished near the back of the pack but I loved the competitive races and was hooked.

My "good knee" acted up for a year with Chronic Runner's knee and I had to move to rowing for rehab. I ended up liking rowing more than running. It was such a nice treat not to sit in pain for hours after working out!

Found out I wasn't all that terrible with my rowing times compared to others and found out there were actually (I know, hard to believe) Indoor "Regattas" where machine rowers would race in a gym -- most my age being either hardcore Cross Fitters or former College Crew. Went to my first race and finished 2nd and just got destroyed by a guy near 60 that did a 6:47 2K, just insane for someone that age! I was in awe that this mountain of a man could be that strong at nearly 60! I was hooked.

Before you knew it, most of my online "friends" were other rowers, I was finishing first every year at the local race in Cincy and ended up finishing second in the Midwest (barely missing 1st) at Indy a few years later. Flirted with a sub-7 minute 2K at age 53, which is semi-nationally competitive for my age group.

Then, I injured my disc. For a year, I couldn't row. I did elliptical and the Assault Bike to stay in shape, but my times fell off the map. Instead of having my goals of breaking 7 minutes on the 2K being over 50, the goal was just to row again or spend more than 5 minutes on the rower without the back killing me. After 2/3 years of hard work, I'm just starting to see improvements.

Despite all of that, I stayed in my online rowing club. I'm a member of Sub-7 indoor rowing club, which has around 20 World Record holders in it and just a bad *kitten* group of rowers world wide. Many are also champions on the water, including the US's best hope for an individual Olympic Gold medal (the US men last won an individual Olympic Gold in like 1932!).

Understand, when I joined this online group, I had decent (not great) times. I was invited to the group because I was progressing so fast that I was about to break 7 minutes and that would have put me up there in the world rankings over 50. Now, I struggle to do sub 8, but I'm slowly creeping back. I also understood part of the reason I injured my back was working around my bad knee and overusing my upper body (a common mistake from people that have never rowed on the water with proper one-on-one coaching).

Most of the stronger women in this group (which includes some REALLY strong women WR holders galore) beat my times. As a male rower, even though I know in my head I shouldn't have my ego bruised, I do. Weight is important in rowing and a guy nearly 200 lbs shouldn't be beaten by someone that's 145 lbs! But it's just my arrogance and pride. And despite my slow times, every single person in the group keeps encouraging me and is inspired by my fortitude and commitment.

To them (and now me), I understand better after I've let me ego go. It's about the effort they see me making day in and day out. My times, in reality, were never going to compete for any World Records or win important races. What my friends in rowing care about is that I commiserate and suffer with them and train nearly as hard as anyone. They encourage me and I them. I'm their biggest cheerleader and they've been more than happy to cheer me on and encourage the little improvements that I've made. Just in the past month or two, my improvements have been bigger and I'm finally starting to believe again that I might be able to race in a year or so.

I thought about quitting many times but the only one that I was letting down was myself. I would have let down everyone else a lot more by not trying with them.

My daughter is actually a college rower so I have been too many an “erg”atta. She actually placed 3rd at Crash-Bs in the flyweight division when she was still in high school. Some of the strongest, most dedicated people I know are rowers.

Good luck on your come back and thank you for sharing your story!

fatty2begone · March 2022

As I know you have read my "running story" about quiting for about 10 yrs because of my head and my bruised ego. I didn't have the athletic high of being good or fast, but just being able to do it. So my story is much different then yours, but similar in the head games, delaying the "new" start out of fear failing or not being able to finish.

I am 10 years older 40+ pounds heavier, and I am happy I am finally at a good place to want to run and not give a damn that I might be the slowest individual on earth, but I am starting and finishing my small goals. The next goal will come and I too will finish that. The weight will come off and the endurance will come with time.

Do what you love.... If cycling is your joy in life, take the time to enjoy it. Will you get back to the athletic skills you once had? Maybe... Maybe not... But do this for your enjoyment and ride. Sometimes the unplanned road trips are the most enjoyable. Maybe the past road map should be retired and let a new map be the guide for where it takes you.

Approach that hill like the "Little Engine That Could". I think I can , I think I can ....

Wishing you happy thoughts and success in however you map your life.

How do I use the past as a road map rather than a road block?

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