I'm scared.

kekagel Posts: 94 Member
I'm scared. I stepped on the scale a few weeks ago, my son told me what the numbers said because I couldn't see them. 383

I'm horrified. How did this happen? I know how it happened, how did I LET this happen? My knees hurt, my back hurts, I can't bed over to do *kitten*. It hurts to walk or do anything for a long period of time. I'm addicted to food. I LOVE food. I don't often binge, but I do overeat. I love snacks, I love sweets. Food is my comfort, I'm a nurturer, I want to feed other people. I've tried lots of programs, multiple times. I can usually get 5 days or even a week in and then something *anything* happens and I fall off and quit. I've counted calories, WW, intermittent fasting, etc. I spend the WHOLE day thinking about what I'm eating, what I'll eat next, if I eat this can I have something else later, will I be full and it's simply miserable.

I have ZERO internal motivation. I literally mean none. That extends much farther than exercise and food. I'm homebound with no current access to gyms, etc. I'm on a fixed income with a limited food budget. I do enjoy some fruits and vegetables, but not all, and don't really eat the ones I do. A bag of apples was over $5 but I can get a bag of chips, some snack cakes, and a drink for the same cost. My husband and son have absolutely NO interest in changing the way they eat. Neither of them is overweight. I got things to make banana chocolate chip overnight oats twice and still haven't made them, but I damn sure ate the chocolate chips. I don't intentionally talk myself out of exercise or anything really, I get to the end of the day and realized I did nothing. I don't drink much water at all.

I honestly don't know why I'm posting, other than I'm scared. I don't know if I'll ever have that "moment of clarity" or "epiphany" that other people have and they knew THAT was the minute they had to change. People tell me to love myself, I don't know how when I hate everything about myself. I don't know if this is relevant, but I do have OCD/anxiety and some depression that contribute, not saying that's an excuse, but it's there.

I guess does all this mean that I really don't want to change and be healthier?


  • kekagel
    kekagel Posts: 94 Member
    Thank you all for your replies. I do feel less alone. I get so overwhelmed and then I sabotage myself without even trying. I'm a very all or nothing person and quite often it ends up being nothing. @Cluelessmama1979 I really love your approach. And I think I can learn from it. It has been a very long time since I was active on myfitnesspal, is there a way to add you as a friend or speak directly?
  • Cluelessmama1979
    Cluelessmama1979 Posts: 129 Member
    kekagel wrote: »
    Thank you all for your replies. I do feel less alone. I get so overwhelmed and then I sabotage myself without even trying. I'm a very all or nothing person and quite often it ends up being nothing. @Cluelessmama1979 I really love your approach. And I think I can learn from it. It has been a very long time since I was active on myfitnesspal, is there a way to add you as a friend or speak directly?

    Well I see you added me! Now we can message, but I wanted to reply here for others who don't know too!

    If you click on someone's username here, and view their profile, then view their myfitnesspal profile and *then* you can add them, lol.

    I've also always been very all or nothing. When I lost the most weight, around 5 years ago, I was sooooo intense with it I was recalculating calories on package information down to fractions of grams based on the ingredients (by hand). Every minute was spent thinking about weight loss. I was restricting so many foods. Everyone warned me, but I knew the math and didn't think anyone knew better than me, lol. It was crazy hard and well... as you can see by my presence here... it wasn't sustainable.

    I weigh 50lbs more now than my original start weight, and 100lbs more than what I had gotten down to...

    I wish I had done slow and steady then, so I'm doing slow and steady now. And listening a lot more, lol!

    Anyway, I will message you on mfp in case you're having trouble finding it!
  • candylilacs
    candylilacs Posts: 582 Member
    I think you have gone through a lot. Put yourself first and come up with a realistic plan for yourself. Start by going to the doctor (I know you haven't been!*) and get checked out. Use it as your baseline.

    Carbohydrates are not your friend. Sugar is not your friend. Read the Glycemic Index for Dummies and know about nutrition from reading books. Seek out psychological help.

    Start a food and exercise journal. Weigh yourself weekly and post it on your refrigerator. Get your husband/boyfriend/partner/sister/brother/mother/friend to join you on your weight journey

    You aren't Superwoman. You will have relapses. I do, too. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

    (*This person hasn't been to a doctor in two and a half years, in December 2019. I did have an appointment in Feb. 2022. )
  • texastapdancer
    texastapdancer Posts: 20 Member
    You're here! That takes courage. Getting started is always the most difficult. You should be proud that you are recognizing it and going to do something about it. I have faith that you will be successful. Weight loss is a mind game. If you can get your head in the game, it will work. 🙂
  • clayfield0813
    clayfield0813 Posts: 32 Member
    I can totally relate to you. I too, comfort myself with food. I had to treat my food obsessions like an addiction. Sounds drastic at first, but when I thought about it, it was similar. I also struggle with depression and anxiety. Don’t be too hard on yourself- that causes guilt which leads to emotional eating again. It’s a cycle. Reach out for support. Add me as a friend if you like. I would love to support you.
  • dee42istheanswer
    dee42istheanswer Posts: 3 Member
    I did this too. I destroyed my right knee in the process. To lose weight to replace it, I went to a weight management doctor who put me on an appetite suppressant and started seeing a therapist to change my thinking. I recommend both. I've gone from 337 to 266. *HUGS*
  • PikaChica_
    PikaChica_ Posts: 4 Member
    I literally posted something similar in the introduction discussion board earlier today!
    I think, because you made this post with your worries, it means you are concerned with yourself and you do want to make a change, but you don't know how or where to start.
    It really is overwhelming thinking about every little thing that it takes to become a healthier person, but this is why it's important to take really small steps in the right direction.
    You could start with increasing your water intake. Do that for a few weeks and then introduce another change.
    You also mentioned your husband and child. I know it's hard (I also live with other people who won't change their eating habits), but this is about you. You need to realize they are allowed to eat whatever they want — and you can too!
    The question then becomes: Will I keep letting these overeating temptations overtake my want to be healthier?

    Ultimately, the final decision lies with you, but this just some... food for thought. (Haha, get it? Food for thought? Food??... I'll see myself to the door.)
  • Sparkuvu
    Sparkuvu Posts: 1,328 Member
    @kekegal @Cluelessmama1979 how are you two doing?
  • LemonMarmalade
    LemonMarmalade Posts: 227 Member
    @kekagal How are you doing?
  • TheGoblinRoad
    TheGoblinRoad Posts: 836 Member
    What an awesome response to the OP. This is truly great. It also makes me realize how much I limit myself. I don't have the same mobility issues but I could see that as happening one day if I don't get my act together. I'll do a little extra today after reading this.

    You sound like me... I was freaking out. Didn't even start tracking right away... not till Monday after Easter.

    I started tracking what I was eating.

    It was Easter candy mostly. I went wayyyy over what my daily calories should be. That's okay. I started tracking. It's a small step, but all I can do right now is small steps... and it's a step in the right direction.

    I also forced myself to start drinking water. Not much because I just... don't drink water. I don't like the taste. (It does have a taste). I started using Mio drops... (most of the flavors are gross, taste like unsweetened koolaid or flat soda but... the sweet tea flavor is just good enough that if I use a couple *generous* squeezes, I can handle drinking the water)... and having like... half a bottle of water in the morning while waiting for my coffee. It's not enough, but again, it's a small step in the right direction.

    That was all I could do at first.

    No other changes.

    But... I was worried about my mobility. I am also (mostly) homebound. I still go out twice per month for groceries and household products. I still walk through the grocery store and then I can't move at all for *days* afterward. My last doctor said I was doing *more* damage by insisting on walking through the store... but... also that I should "eat less and move more"! Okay ... got it... move more but stop doing the only moving I ever actually do. Great. Thanks.

    So... I made a post here on the exercise forums asking for suggestions of small movements I might be able to do.

    A lot of the suggestions were well beyond my ability ("Take the stairs more!" More than never? Sure, I will get right on that...), but people were trying and I was able to get several suggestions that work.

    Someone suggested youtube vids... Sherry Zak Morris, doing seated "chair yoga". Everyone in the classes looks about 98 years old. I felt silly. But I was able to complete the arm exercises (not the leg movements yet).
    What I didn't tell anyone was that I couldn't do them without being laying down in my recliner.
    That's okay. It's a small step, etc etc...

    Anyway I counted the number of steps I take in an average day by thinking about all the trips I take (bed to bathroom, bathroom to recliner, recliner to bathroom, bathroom to bed) and counting each time I did it. It's not a lot. Each "trip" is less than 30 steps.

    I didn't *change* anything yet. Just wanted to know what I can already do.

    I tried the small movements people suggested which sounded possible. And a few I pinched from the chair yoga video. Over the course of a couple days I tested how many of each I can do without pain.

    I made a chart.


    As you can see... I can't do much of any one movement. But I can do a lot of movements.

    I've been slowly working on increasing those small movements. I do one of them... raising my shoulders... till I can't do it again... then switch to something else... different body part... maybe I try standing up for like... 30 seconds... till I can't, so I sit down, and squeeze a ball a few times, till I can't... and so on... till I have done all the movements.

    If my shoulders are still sore, I've had enough.

    If they aren't, I start again.

    I have... zero actual motivation to do any of this. I'm just trying to turn it into a habit. It's just something I have to do.

    The food is the hardest part for me. I've started with lunch because that's the meal I care about the least. I tend to enjoy breakfast foods, I live my snacks, and dinner is non-negotiable, so...

    I've just been chipping away, one habit/meal at a time. Each meal is like 100 tiny adjustments for me. Honestly, it was a lot of slowly reducing the amount of... idk... chips or whatever the worst component of the meal is, until it's a reasonable portion, and then giving myself a choice between that or a lot more of a healthier option.

    I've gotten it to where breakfast, lunch and dinner add up to about 1200 calories, and I personally can have up to 2200 (maintenance) so thet leaves me with lots of freedom in snacking.

    I've told myself that once my snacking is under control I can add in more food and more variety in my meals.

    It's... not very healthy yet. But it's a step.

    I've also been struggling with produce. I have huge trauma-induced issues and texture issues with a lot of foods, and fruits/veg are the biggest ones. I'm doing a lot of hiding tiny amounts of veg I can barely tolerate in foods I really enjoy. I don't get a lot of variety in produce. Probably not eating enough produce. But again, small steps.

    Anyway... this is what's working for *me*... so far.

    We all have our unique struggles and strengths. Our own abilities. Yours might be different. And you might be able to make fewer changes or more changes. Slower or faster. Differently than me.

    But you *can* make changes. No matter how large or small they are.

    And there are people here who understand. Who can help. And even the ones who don't *get* it in regards to specific problems (stairs lmao) are still *trying*. Because they do care. We're all struggling. And that sense of community helps a lot.

    Anyway, I ramble. Feel free to add me. I get the mobility stuff. Not sure if yours is more or less limited than mine, but I do understand. That can help too