I feel so out of control

For me the motivation comes from a purely personal decision totally freely arrived at that no one else has suggested or bullied me into. I think it is possible that if you don’t choose to do something for your own reasons, whatever those are, then you don’t feel like you have free agency, and may feel resentment or shame or other negative emotions which can lead to self sabotage. On the other hand, if you freely choose to do something and own that decision, it gives you power and strength and makes every choice you make along the way easier, and maybe even a little empowering. Each then becomes a building block for the next success. I know that might sound too philosophical for some, but for me it really is just a frame of mind. Maybe that just means I am a stubborn personality and need to do things on my own terms, but I have a sense that I am not so different from everyone else. Everyone is entitled to self respect, pride and a sense of making their own health decisions. Often people who care about us suggest or imply weight loss might be healthy for us, or we undertake it because society suggests that certain appearances are desirable, or we do so out of a sense that other people we don’t even know yet will come into our lives (new friends, partners, better jobs !) all of these things are external forces that may subtly be leaving you resentful that you aren’t making the choice on your own terms. Perhaps if you can block those influences out and come up with your own narrative that is very specific to you as a person of why and how you want to live a healthy lifestyle it will help.

In terms of keeping on track, I am not a big journaler, but a lot of people say that helps them identify what they are doing and feeling when they are successful, and when they are less so, and to refocus accordingly. Since starting to post to these boards I am using these discussions in a similar way - giving and reading advice from others to cement what works.

One thing that really works for me is just to carve out a little space for myself to center myself in the morning and evening. If I can face the day and end the day feeling like me (and not let the rest of the world and its problems and demands intrude and make me feel like it wants me to feel) I can be a lot more successful at anything I do the rest of the day.

I can’t help but comment that you compare yourself to Sisyphus. The French philosopher Albert Camus wrote a famous essay explaining that myth. He thought its essence was to teach us to embrace the absurdity of life and rebel by rejoicing in the act of rolling the boulder up the hill. He argued that only with the joyful acceptance of the struggle can one gain character and definition.

So Camus would have said You Go Girl! But of course in French, and in far more sophisticated a manner.