I feel so out of control

TheGoblinRoad · May 2022

I feel like Sisyphus, pushing the rock up the hill, only to slide back down, and looking down to see that the reason I slide down is me. Under my feet are the broken promises to myself, the self-doubt, the self-sabotage.

I haven't had more than a few consistent days in such a long time, that it's feeling pretty hopeless now.

I wish I could say that realizing this is enough, but I've realized it again and again over the years. It's not enough to know. it's not enough to realize. I try to celebrate my small successes, but my failures add up to more than the successes. So I slip further down, I gain more and more despite my sporadic commitment.

I've learned so much over the years from MFP, from Noom, from many sources to the point where I could explain all the things we could do that would benefit us. Despite all that, I still sabotage, I still struggle, I still crave.

I even look deeply into the why, and I see my triggers, I see why I do what I do, why I choose what I do, knowing what I should rather do. But in the moment, my brain won't cooperate.

Sorry.

I don't mean to be a downer.

Can someone (or more than one) share about feeling similar to this and HOW they were to overcome it?

jenna_lowcarb_newbie · May 2022

I really feel you - I keep going up and down in weight and keep disappointing myself over and over again... The only thing we can do is to get up and try and keep pushing. I'm really trying to look at this from a different angle - as in - every right choice I made is still progress from the alternative and punish myself less. But it is hard.

Sinisterbarbie1 · May 2022

For me the motivation comes from a purely personal decision totally freely arrived at that no one else has suggested or bullied me into. I think it is possible that if you don’t choose to do something for your own reasons, whatever those are, then you don’t feel like you have free agency, and may feel resentment or shame or other negative emotions which can lead to self sabotage. On the other hand, if you freely choose to do something and own that decision, it gives you power and strength and makes every choice you make along the way easier, and maybe even a little empowering. Each then becomes a building block for the next success. I know that might sound too philosophical for some, but for me it really is just a frame of mind. Maybe that just means I am a stubborn personality and need to do things on my own terms, but I have a sense that I am not so different from everyone else. Everyone is entitled to self respect, pride and a sense of making their own health decisions. Often people who care about us suggest or imply weight loss might be healthy for us, or we undertake it because society suggests that certain appearances are desirable, or we do so out of a sense that other people we don’t even know yet will come into our lives (new friends, partners, better jobs !) all of these things are external forces that may subtly be leaving you resentful that you aren’t making the choice on your own terms. Perhaps if you can block those influences out and come up with your own narrative that is very specific to you as a person of why and how you want to live a healthy lifestyle it will help.

In terms of keeping on track, I am not a big journaler, but a lot of people say that helps them identify what they are doing and feeling when they are successful, and when they are less so, and to refocus accordingly. Since starting to post to these boards I am using these discussions in a similar way - giving and reading advice from others to cement what works.

One thing that really works for me is just to carve out a little space for myself to center myself in the morning and evening. If I can face the day and end the day feeling like me (and not let the rest of the world and its problems and demands intrude and make me feel like it wants me to feel) I can be a lot more successful at anything I do the rest of the day.

I can’t help but comment that you compare yourself to Sisyphus. The French philosopher Albert Camus wrote a famous essay explaining that myth. He thought its essence was to teach us to embrace the absurdity of life and rebel by rejoicing in the act of rolling the boulder up the hill. He argued that only with the joyful acceptance of the struggle can one gain character and definition.

So Camus would have said You Go Girl! But of course in French, and in far more sophisticated a manner.

SweetP27 · May 2022

Sinisterbarbie1 wrote: »

Perhaps if you can block those influences out and come up with your own narrative that is very specific to you as a person of why and how you want to live a healthy lifestyle it will help.

This is profound and really hits where I am living today. I think if we can all apply this concept to our lives and the choices we make - wow. Probably not as easy as it sounds but I will be working on this narrative today!!

tinkerbellang83 · May 2022

@TheGoblinRoad I am sorry to hear that you are struggling!

I have struggled with my own weight on and off for many years, mostly because I thought of it for a long time as a purely physical issue, rather than a mental one. We really do have to be in a good place mentally to be successful at becoming healthier and fitter long term.

I binge eat - a couple of weeks ago, I was at my highest weight ever; despite previously being rather fit and healthy despite my weight, I have noticed more and more health issues over the last 6 months - plantar fasciitis, neck pain & acid reflux which disturbs my sleep. This has given me the kick up the a5s that I needed to get back in charge of myself.

I've contemplated an ED therapist a couple of times but my finances won't stretch that far since I changed jobs (which is good for my mental health but not so much my bank balance

) so when it starts happening more frequently than I'd like, I work through a self-help program which has really helped in the past. If you're able to afford or can be referred through your health service/insurance for some form of therapy it's a really good idea to give it a try.

I have in recent years tried to become a lot kinder to myself and I try to acknowledge what my body can do, rather than what it can't and I try to have a more forgiving approach to perceived failures. Some good habits I have picked up along the way include a gratitude journal - nothing fancy just a plain notebook in which I jot down most days 1 thing, 1 person and something about myself that I am grateful for. It doesn't sound like much, but it makes me look for positive things, even on my worst days.

Have you considered just taking some babysteps for a little while?

setting your account to Maintenance, committing just to logging all of you meals for a couple of days.
then for a week.
then looking at small changes you can make to eat a little healthier.
then a small rate of loss

I was recently reading Atomic Habits by James Clear and it features the below diagram which I think somes up so many people's approach to health and weight loss, so many of us get stuck in the "Valley of Disappointment" before we make it out the other side:

Be kind to yourself and I hope you find a way out of your rut!

I feel so out of control

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