Is my mind distorted?
KaleiAlanaSmith
Posts: 133 Member
Hey everyone!
I figured I’d start a discussion to get some insight from fellow users.
My history with health started 6 years ago when I joined MFP to lose weight as a freshman in college. I went from 147lb to ~125lb using MFP when I was 19 years old.
Since then- I’ve been weight lifting for 5 years, almost 6. I was 135lb last year and now today I’m 148lb. Not even 2 months ago I was 142lb. My weight this past year has been slowly going up and up and it’s screwing with my mind.
I train really well, joined a gym called ATHlete where we do weight lifting/cardio/athletic performance and I eat relatively healthy. I don’t track anymore but I am mindful with my choices. For four months I macro counted and stayed around 140lb. I quit macro counting in April because of how consuming it was. I feel so distorted though.
For context- I’m 5’7. I hate seeing the scale go up- especially past my highest weight 6 years ago. In no way do I want to be 125 again, but seeing the scale tip up to 150lb scares me.
I have an athletic strong build, some pudge, but I feel like a failure. Does anyone else feel like this? I want to know if my weight and height measure up to normal. Seeing fitness influencers on social media also screws with my mind as well I guess. Since they’re my height but 15 pounds less. Something about being 10 pounds heavier in one year makes me feel sick, but I know I shouldn’t think like this. People around me say it’s muscle. Is it really? No way you can gain 10 pounds of muscle in a year. I don’t know. I guess I’m just venting.
I figured I’d start a discussion to get some insight from fellow users.
My history with health started 6 years ago when I joined MFP to lose weight as a freshman in college. I went from 147lb to ~125lb using MFP when I was 19 years old.
Since then- I’ve been weight lifting for 5 years, almost 6. I was 135lb last year and now today I’m 148lb. Not even 2 months ago I was 142lb. My weight this past year has been slowly going up and up and it’s screwing with my mind.
I train really well, joined a gym called ATHlete where we do weight lifting/cardio/athletic performance and I eat relatively healthy. I don’t track anymore but I am mindful with my choices. For four months I macro counted and stayed around 140lb. I quit macro counting in April because of how consuming it was. I feel so distorted though.
For context- I’m 5’7. I hate seeing the scale go up- especially past my highest weight 6 years ago. In no way do I want to be 125 again, but seeing the scale tip up to 150lb scares me.
I have an athletic strong build, some pudge, but I feel like a failure. Does anyone else feel like this? I want to know if my weight and height measure up to normal. Seeing fitness influencers on social media also screws with my mind as well I guess. Since they’re my height but 15 pounds less. Something about being 10 pounds heavier in one year makes me feel sick, but I know I shouldn’t think like this. People around me say it’s muscle. Is it really? No way you can gain 10 pounds of muscle in a year. I don’t know. I guess I’m just venting.
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Replies
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Well, here is a BMI calculator: https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/educational/lose_wt/BMI/bmicalc.htm
You're well within a healthy weight range for a woman of your height and age who lifts weights.
If you want to lose some, you have plenty of room in the healthy range before you hit under-weight, too.
If you're not happy, you know what to do!7 -
40F here. I'm 5'4" (I SWEAR I was 5'5" earlier in my life...) and yesterday was 150.0 on the nose when I weighed in first thing in the morning. I was pushing up toward 155 but, with a beach trip on the horizon, I decided to just maintain here for the sake of pure vanity for a brief while, then will reassess. No (or VERY minimal) pudge; I'm guesstimating low/mid teens bodyfat %.
Statistically I know I'm much stronger and carry considerably more muscle than the average female of my height/weight. My doctor has zero concerns about my weight. So yeah, I'm "heavy" but I'm certainly not fat.
And no, unless you were taking massive doses of anabolics, you wouldn't/couldn't gain 10 lbs of muscle in a year as an intermediate (referencing your training history - you're not a newb) female.2 -
You have the gift of making choices.....
If these social media influencers make you unhappy (clearly, they do make you unhappy!) then don't click on them.
That they choose a certain physique is their choice and you can make you own choices too.
If you don't want to gain weight then eat a bit less - that again is your choice.
No all your 10lb gain won't have been muscle especially as you say you have "some pudge". Some of your weight gain would be muscle as you say you are training well and some will be fat - that's normal when people are bulking. The people around you might be being disingenuous or just ignorant. Some muscle is different to "it's muscle".
But it's your choice if you want to bulk, maintain or cut.
Personally, I choose for myself an unusual physique for a serious cyclist - I would be faster if I detrained my upper body and cut to a weight and bodyfat level that left me hungry and looking skinny. But I have free will and the ability to make my own choices - just like you do.
I can envy other cyclist’s abilities and performance but my physique is my choice of the body I want to live in 24 x 7.7 -
You have the gift of making choices..... quote]
Very true! I understand your logic for sure. And mentally- I know I'm aware of making choices. This is why I did macro counting, and learned how to incorporate that lifestyle into my every day life However, my weight gain has been throwing me off because I feel as though I should not be this weight at my height and age.
From another standpoint- I've hit multiple PR's, am the most muscular I've ever been, and have gotten better athletic wise. This is where my venting came from. I believe my brain is distorted to thinking I should be a certain weight, lose weight, etc. When right now, in reality, I'm doing great fitness wise.
Although I would like to shed 5 pounds at this point. Maybe I'll get back into macro counting using this app again.
It is all about choice- like you said!
Side note @sijomial I responded to your comment incorrectly and cant figure out how to fix it so it doesn't look like a quote lol2 -
40F here. I'm 5'4" (I SWEAR I was 5'5" earlier in my life...) and yesterday was 150.0 on the nose when I weighed in first thing in the morning. I was pushing up toward 155 but, with a beach trip on the horizon, I decided to just maintain here for the sake of pure vanity for a brief while, then will reassess. No (or VERY minimal) pudge; I'm guesstimating low/mid teens bodyfat %.
Statistically I know I'm much stronger and carry considerably more muscle than the average female of my height/weight. My doctor has zero concerns about my weight. So yeah, I'm "heavy" but I'm certainly not fat.
And no, unless you were taking massive doses of anabolics, you wouldn't/couldn't gain 10 lbs of muscle in a year as an intermediate (referencing your training history - you're not a newb) female.
Thanks for sharing!!! I do think I need to actually try to work on shoving the number mentality out of my brain and worry more about my body physically. I'm the strongest I've ever been, have had a few PR's in the last couple weeks, and am doing better cardio wise than I have in a while. I guess wondering what other people's stats were would make me feel better, when I should know that being 148 is fine.4 -
It's worth noting a lot of fitness influencers and the likes lie about their weight/measurements but also how they achieved their physiques ( use of peds, eating disorders, plastic surgery etc..).8
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chobambina wrote: »It's worth noting a lot of fitness influencers and the likes lie about their weight/measurements but also how they achieved their physiques ( use of peds, eating disorders, plastic surgery etc..).
this! This is so true. I've unfollowed a few fitness influencers because what they posted seemed so false. I currently now only follow 3 people but still have a question mark on one of them.0 -
Very true! I understand your logic for sure. And mentally- I know I'm aware of making choices. This is why I did macro counting, and learned how to incorporate that lifestyle into my every day life However, my weight gain has been throwing me off because I feel as though I should not be this weight at my height and age.
From another standpoint- I've hit multiple PR's, am the most muscular I've ever been, and have gotten better athletic wise. This is where my venting came from. I believe my brain is distorted to thinking I should be a certain weight, lose weight, etc. When right now, in reality, I'm doing great fitness wise.
If it's any comfort it wasn't until middle age I came to realise that the only opinion that really mattered was my own. You are well ahead of the game in having these thoughts so young.
Yes, as a young woman you are under more pressure "to conform" and it takes confidence or just a IDGAF what other people think attitude to make your own path. It is a happier path though.
The flip side of choices is compromise I suppose. When I was a skinny runt trying to be a motorcycle racer I loved being faster on the bike but hated being weak and small - that was a very uncomfortable compromise. Unless you are a competive elite level athlete that compromise position is very personal.
5'7" and 148lbs certainly doesn't sound heavy to me for someone who trains seriously but it really is your opinion that matters. Instead of certain weight numbers perhaps think of direction instead? "A few pounds more, a few pounds less or just right?"
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OMG just wanted to say I feel you on the Instagram influencers. I had to completely stop with social media when it comes to fitness goals. So much of it is either lies or angles where it's real but they take a million photos to get the "perfect" one. And again...that's the ones that aren't just straight up lying. It's such a toxic cesspool of unrealistic expectations.
It's taken me aaaaages to fully (okay...mostly) accept that due to my build, I will aaaaalways have love handle "pudge" unless I get hospitalization-level skinny (and possibly still then...), and I will never quite match the "normal" range for my height and gender due to my somewhat unusual build. (SUPER broad shoulders and hips, excellent for swimming and boxing though...)
Sorry I have nothing more to add, definitely echo others in reminding yourself to decide what works for YOU instead of comparing to everyone else...but mostly just feel your pain! 😆1 -
At 23 (6ft) I weighed 125lb. Within a year, I had gained almost 60 lbs. Fast forward to 30, I had peaked at 235. Now, at 36, I started my weight loss when I was at 223. Based off all of the graphs, charts and calculators I need to be back down to 150 to be considered “healthy”. I’m at 190 now and figured the most I want is to be 180 (or else it would be more of a sickly look).
Point of all of this is that every body type is different. No graph or calculator can measure it, and ultimately you know what’s right. Our bodies at 19 look and feel way different than 25 and will be way different than 30. You’re obviously killing it! Embrace the changes, and work with them.2 -
It might be worth changing your frame of reference and looking at other measures apart from your weight to track your progress. Maybe even don't weigh yourself for a bit.
Could you take your measurements? My weight has a tendency to move very slowly, but that inch off the waist doesn't just re-appear overnight.
How about performance? Have targets to do with lifting heavier, or running faster, or whatever else it might be.
Comparison is the thief of joy. It sounds like you have a great plan and are doing very well. The weight number on the scale is a tiny part of that picture, and does not have any bearing on your character (I know this should be obvious, but I see so many posts where people seem to think they are somehow 'bad' because of that number. Makes me want to weep)
I decided a long time ago that I get to decide what success looks like for me, not anyone else.
If I am healthy, well, and progressing how I want to with my training everything else is irrelevant.
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Social media... so glad I don't use it. These are one of the very many reasons why.4
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littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »It might be worth changing your frame of reference and looking at other measures apart from your weight to track your progress. Maybe even don't weigh yourself for a bit.
Could you take your measurements? My weight has a tendency to move very slowly, but that inch off the waist doesn't just re-appear overnight.
How about performance? Have targets to do with lifting heavier, or running faster, or whatever else it might be.
Comparison is the thief of joy. It sounds like you have a great plan and are doing very well. The weight number on the scale is a tiny part of that picture, and does not have any bearing on your character (I know this should be obvious, but I see so many posts where people seem to think they are somehow 'bad' because of that number. Makes me want to weep)
I decided a long time ago that I get to decide what success looks like for me, not anyone else.
If I am healthy, well, and progressing how I want to with my training everything else is irrelevant.
This is definitely something I want to work on! My mind is becoming too consumed with the scale! Because my athletic performance, strength and happiness is pretty high right now. I need to get back to measurements instead. I can tell though that I've gotten heavier because I've gone up a size in shirts and bottoms, however; I cannot tell if its muscle or fat LOL.0 -
KaleiAlanaSmith wrote: »littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »It might be worth changing your frame of reference and looking at other measures apart from your weight to track your progress. Maybe even don't weigh yourself for a bit.
Could you take your measurements? My weight has a tendency to move very slowly, but that inch off the waist doesn't just re-appear overnight.
How about performance? Have targets to do with lifting heavier, or running faster, or whatever else it might be.
Comparison is the thief of joy. It sounds like you have a great plan and are doing very well. The weight number on the scale is a tiny part of that picture, and does not have any bearing on your character (I know this should be obvious, but I see so many posts where people seem to think they are somehow 'bad' because of that number. Makes me want to weep)
I decided a long time ago that I get to decide what success looks like for me, not anyone else.
If I am healthy, well, and progressing how I want to with my training everything else is irrelevant.
This is definitely something I want to work on! My mind is becoming too consumed with the scale! Because my athletic performance, strength and happiness is pretty high right now. I need to get back to measurements instead. I can tell though that I've gotten heavier because I've gone up a size in shirts and bottoms, however; I cannot tell if its muscle or fat LOL.
Just as an observation: No one knows the number on the scale but you, unless you tattoo it on your forehead or something. (Please don't. 😉)
Only one data point, but: I used to be closely associated with a university's women's rowing team. Most of them were taller than you (rowers are usually tall, 5'10"+). One I knew well was 5'7" though. She outweighed your 150 by a few pounds. She looked strong, fit, gorgeous in dress-up clothes, tautly muscular after a race in her snug unisuit . . . not pudgy. Not even close. Sleek.
Women in our culture face strong influences to hit arbitrary - sometimes unhealthful, sometime even misrepresented - benchmarks in weight and appearance. You really have your head on very straight, for someone as young as you are. You're figuring this out - good show! Don't let a bunch of cultural nonsense take up residence in your head rent-free. (You're the landlady there, right?) Be strong. Be healthy.
Don't worry about the scale number, the size number. How do you feel? How do you perform? How are your health markers? And - if you must - how do you look? No numbers.6 -
chobambina wrote: »It's worth noting a lot of fitness influencers and the likes lie about their weight/measurements but also how they achieved their physiques ( use of peds, eating disorders, plastic surgery etc..).
I am SO glad that I am 55 years old and did not have social media when I was growing up.
Sure, I love the convenience of the internet, but am glad I didn't have to deal with body-image warping nonsense as a teenager.
I read Octavia Butler's "Kindred" recently. When I read about the characters going to the library for information, I was like, "When is this set???" 1976, lol. I too was going to the library (and working at the library) in the '70s. Well, I still go to the library, but just to pick up.2 -
You’re not distorted and you’re not abnormal. Your beautiful and you’re strong.
I’m 5’7”, too and the past four years have had a similar arc to you.
You lift weights?
I was 125 on my wedding day (1980’s, lol) and was a stick. That was my goal weight a couple years ago, til friends and family made me realize, at 129 I looked ill.
I lost much of my muscle, even though I was weight training two or three times a week.
I have slowly put weight back on since then. I’m currently at 139 and have nice muscles. Instead of gaining size along with weight, though, my size decreased with weight as muscle mass increased. I can comfortabley wear clothes I wore at the lower weight, and even got rid of some that became too big.
I look much better at the higher weight- healthier, curvier in a developed sorta way, am getting an hourglass shape.
I’m much healthier and stronger and have more endurance than at the lower weight.
Don’t focus on your weight. Focus on your shape and your satisfaction with your shape, your strength, your abilities- if those are the things that matter to you.
I live in a scenic, photogenic historical town. Our bicycle/walking trail runs along the railroad tracks in the center of town, replete with several large colorful murals. You would not believe the number of Instagrammers who camp out on the path taking photos, blocking runners and bikers from using it while they take hundreds of photos from every angle, in every kind of light, with every hip leg thigh and shoulder thrust out at every possible angle. And the mountains of props they bring with them. Bags and bags of them scattered all over the trail.
I want to scream “Ya phonies!!!!! Get out of the way!!!!!!” at them, but I remember how my daughters and her friends were in love with digital cameras before the dawn of social media, and I swallow the insults. It just pains me to see people who are older than 16 throwing a boob out here or a provocative hip there at a fetching angle and swishing their skirts. Or pretending to be skipping.
I guess I’m old. The fakeness both outrages and saddens me. Is this what humans are coming to? The visual version of a sound bite?
Instagram? I wouldn’t look at it if my life depended on it. It’s a fake and phony world from what I see happening up there on the trail.
Now please get your damn camera tripod off the path, and no, I don’t want to wait while you and a dozen of your compatriots finish clicking.
Sigh. I’m fixing to head to the trail now to walk to the gym. Any hip thrusts there will be legit, lol.
Hugs to ya, honey. You’re cool in my book.12 -
PS I guess I’m just venting, too. 😂2
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springlering62 wrote: »PS I guess I’m just venting, too. 😂
It was a really good vent though…6 -
springlering62 wrote: »PS I guess I’m just venting, too. 😂
That was a grest vent!
Take some pics so we can see too.1 -
KaleiAlanaSmith wrote: »Hey everyone!
I train really well, joined a gym called ATHlete where we do weight lifting/cardio/athletic performance and I eat relatively healthy. I don’t track anymore but I am mindful with my choices. For four months I macro counted and stayed around 140lb. I quit macro counting in April because of how consuming it was. I feel so distorted though.
For context- I’m 5’7. I hate seeing the scale go up- especially past my highest weight 6 years ago. In no way do I want to be 125 again, but seeing the scale tip up to 150lb scares me.
I have an athletic strong build, some pudge, but I feel like a failure. Does anyone else feel like this? I want to know if my weight and height measure up to normal. Seeing fitness influencers on social media also screws with my mind as well I guess. Since they’re my height but 15 pounds less. Something about being 10 pounds heavier in one year makes me feel sick, but I know I shouldn’t think like this. People around me say it’s muscle. Is it really? No way you can gain 10 pounds of muscle in a year. I don’t know. I guess I’m just venting.
You're doing two things wrong. Not tracking and following fitness fakes...I mean influencers.
Try an experiment. For two weeks track your food, spend more time outside, less time online, delete all fitness influencers.
I bet you'll drop some pounds and gain some sanity.
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Do you have any comparison besides how you "feel" - such as progress photos, measurements, even something like how your clothes are fitting.
Each person and their composition can be radically different. I'm also 5'7", and I was strong and fit at 128-ish. During a very physical training period of 4 months, dropped to 124 and was eating everything in site - I liked how I looked but I also knew it wasn't sustainable long term.
Many years down the line now, and I've found a love for weight lifting - pandemic and frequent job changes since then have made my consistency - well, inconsistent, but I know I'm carrying more muscle on my body now than I was then.
I'm not sure on my goal weight - I am NOT a body builder physique, so I figure once I'm into the 128-139 range I will adjust as I see fit as far as a "goal" goes (I'm guessing for me that will end up around 132-136 ish). If I was putting on enough muscle for competition (or a similar build), the 140's do not seem at all unreasonable, and I'm all limbs....
That's just me though, and your body is yours - if you're happy with it, EMBRACE it, embrace your strength, and be honest with yourself!1
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