Getting Significant Other On Board

kevymetal_
kevymetal_ Posts: 19 Member
in Chit-Chat
Any tips to motivate your significant other to get on the same program as you are with diet and exercise? My wife and I have both put on weight, but I am the only one of us that is trying to get it off. Don't get me wrong, I think my wife is beautiful in any shape or form, but the extra weight is causing her some issues. She has knee pain, her snoring at night as gotten really bad, she has low energy. She used to be very fit (way fitter than me) but has stopped putting the effort in over the last few years. I do most of the cooking and try and cook us balanced and healthy meals, but she will load up with unhealthy condiments, or when she's at work she will eat junk food, or pick up fast food on the way home, or snack heavy in the middle of the night. I know weight loss is a personal journey, but like anything you're working on, if your partner isn't on the same page, it can be very difficult to keep up and maintain. I want us both to be healthy, but I want to be sensitive in how I try to motivate her so I don't make her feel like it's coming from a shallow place.

Replies

  • LifeChangz
    LifeChangz Posts: 456 Member
    edited January 2023
    this can be tough... it's awesome you can cook healthful foods...

    so, as you go along, maybe share what you are exploring, trying, what's working, and maybe one day she'll get an urge and start. maybe invite her out on outings she would be able to tolerate physically (like visiting parks/zoo, geocaching?)

    leaving off junk food and excess eating can be hard, especially if there's a history of yoyo dieting she probably has an idea of what to do and may not be ready right now.... maybe she will visit mfp and get going...

    regarding the snoring, maybe a check in with doc and possible sleep study might give a path that helps.

  • glassyo
    glassyo Posts: 7,734 Member
    snowflake954 wrote: »
    Many threads over the years on this subject. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO HER. You do you, no matter how difficult it is. She knows and will start when she wants to. Any attempts at motivation will just cause resistance. When you start losing that may get her started.

    Good luck with your weight loss.

    So. Much. This.
  • TwitchyMagee
    TwitchyMagee Posts: 4,579 Member
    snowflake954 wrote: »
    Many threads over the years on this subject. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO HER. You do you, no matter how difficult it is. She knows and will start when she wants to. Any attempts at motivation will just cause resistance. When you start losing that may get her started.

    Good luck with your weight loss.

    Yup. Keep your eye on your own plate. Get the beam out of your own eye. You do you.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,971 Member
    All you can do is you. A person has to be motivated themselves to make any change. Any outside pressure can cause resentment, resistance, etc. Leading by example can lead them to possibly jumping on board, but it's best that you not even mention it. Also don't brag about losing weight around significant other. They know you are. If they mention it, just thank them.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    edited January 2023
    In my experience don't say anything. My wife and I tend to feed off of each other eventually. My first go around with losing weight, it took a few months but eventually my wife was like, "damn...dude lost 15 Lbs and is still going...and exercising and hitting the gym...I guess I better get on that train." We both ended up losing a good chunk of weight and getting into regular exercise and active recreation and maintained that from 2013 until the pandemic.

    I put on about 20 Lbs over the last few years and my wife put on a few as well...I've been trying for most of 2022 to get myself motivated again with lots of starts and stops. My wife has been very disciplined the last couple of months and has gotten her mojo back which has now gotten me going as well...that, and I was putting together a couple of photo albums for her for Christmas and found a picture of me on the beach in 2018 and I kind of forgot how fit I was and looked and wouldn't mind seeing that in the mirror again everyday.
  • TwitchyMagee
    TwitchyMagee Posts: 4,579 Member
    cwolfman13 wrote: »
    In my experience don't say anything. My wife and I tend to feed off of each other eventually. My first go around with losing weight, it took a few months but eventually my wife was like, "damn...dude lost 15 Lbs and is still going...and exercising and hitting the gym...I guess I better get on that train." We both ended up losing a good chunk of weight and getting into regular exercise and active recreation and maintained that from 2013 until the pandemic.

    I put on about 20 Lbs over the last few years and my wife put on a few as well...I've been trying for most of 2022 to get myself motivated again with lots of starts and stops. My wife has been very disciplined the last couple of months and has gotten her mojo back which has now gotten me going as well...that, and I was putting together a couple of photo albums for her for Christmas and found a picture of me on the beach in 2018 and I kind of forgot how fit I was and looked and wouldn't mind seeing that in the mirror again everyday.

    Hey I just want to tell you that I find it encouraging that you have admitted to some pandemic weight gain As I am struggling with that myself. I’ve always thought of you as a very disciplined
    person. I know it’s twisted but it’s nice to know you weren’t immune. This might not be coming out right but I promise I mean it in the best way

  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    TwitchyMagee wrote: »
    cwolfman13 wrote: »
    In my experience don't say anything. My wife and I tend to feed off of each other eventually. My first go around with losing weight, it took a few months but eventually my wife was like, "damn...dude lost 15 Lbs and is still going...and exercising and hitting the gym...I guess I better get on that train." We both ended up losing a good chunk of weight and getting into regular exercise and active recreation and maintained that from 2013 until the pandemic.

    I put on about 20 Lbs over the last few years and my wife put on a few as well...I've been trying for most of 2022 to get myself motivated again with lots of starts and stops. My wife has been very disciplined the last couple of months and has gotten her mojo back which has now gotten me going as well...that, and I was putting together a couple of photo albums for her for Christmas and found a picture of me on the beach in 2018 and I kind of forgot how fit I was and looked and wouldn't mind seeing that in the mirror again everyday.

    Hey I just want to tell you that I find it encouraging that you have admitted to some pandemic weight gain As I am struggling with that myself. I’ve always thought of you as a very disciplined
    person. I know it’s twisted but it’s nice to know you weren’t immune. This might not be coming out right but I promise I mean it in the best way

    Thanks. Yeah, it's definitely been a rough few years. 2020 was hard because my state literally shut everything down for an entire year +. No gyms, no events, no nothing. They even ended up closing a lot of our outdoor trail systems because they were getting so much busier than normal and very crowded. I actually got into doing more mountain biking than road riding for that reason, but then June 2020 I got into a pretty nasty MTB crash that had me in a boot from June through most of Sept and then some more rehabbing after that.

    That really sucked the mojo out of me along with just a general sense of malaise and blah...started drinking everyday and in general just turned to *kitten*. 2021 was just kind of this weird in-between year that felt like everyone was acting like things were normal but nothing was normal and I was still working from home until July 2021 and we still had quite a few restrictions in place. I thought 2022 was going to be my year to get back...signed back up for the gym after two years off...got my bikes all nice and tuned, but most of the year it was start and do good for a couple weeks and then something would come up and throw me off plan and then start again.

    I'm feeling pretty good about 2023 though. Both my wife and I seem to be finding our groove (she found it first back in October/November). It's been a little interesting getting back into exercise since we're both "retired" from our respective endurance sports...so kind of making that switch from the grind of training to just being more active recreationally and in general...but who knows, I might get the itch again come spring and find a couple of charitable events to ride this season if I get bored with just having fun.

    Cheers to 2023 and it being a good year for all!
  • TwitchyMagee
    TwitchyMagee Posts: 4,579 Member
    cwolfman13 wrote: »
    TwitchyMagee wrote: »
    cwolfman13 wrote: »
    In my experience don't say anything. My wife and I tend to feed off of each other eventually. My first go around with losing weight, it took a few months but eventually my wife was like, "damn...dude lost 15 Lbs and is still going...and exercising and hitting the gym...I guess I better get on that train." We both ended up losing a good chunk of weight and getting into regular exercise and active recreation and maintained that from 2013 until the pandemic.

    I put on about 20 Lbs over the last few years and my wife put on a few as well...I've been trying for most of 2022 to get myself motivated again with lots of starts and stops. My wife has been very disciplined the last couple of months and has gotten her mojo back which has now gotten me going as well...that, and I was putting together a couple of photo albums for her for Christmas and found a picture of me on the beach in 2018 and I kind of forgot how fit I was and looked and wouldn't mind seeing that in the mirror again everyday.

    Hey I just want to tell you that I find it encouraging that you have admitted to some pandemic weight gain As I am struggling with that myself. I’ve always thought of you as a very disciplined
    person. I know it’s twisted but it’s nice to know you weren’t immune. This might not be coming out right but I promise I mean it in the best way

    Thanks. Yeah, it's definitely been a rough few years. 2020 was hard because my state literally shut everything down for an entire year +. No gyms, no events, no nothing. They even ended up closing a lot of our outdoor trail systems because they were getting so much busier than normal and very crowded. I actually got into doing more mountain biking than road riding for that reason, but then June 2020 I got into a pretty nasty MTB crash that had me in a boot from June through most of Sept and then some more rehabbing after that.

    That really sucked the mojo out of me along with just a general sense of malaise and blah...started drinking everyday and in general just turned to *kitten*. 2021 was just kind of this weird in-between year that felt like everyone was acting like things were normal but nothing was normal and I was still working from home until July 2021 and we still had quite a few restrictions in place. I thought 2022 was going to be my year to get back...signed back up for the gym after two years off...got my bikes all nice and tuned, but most of the year it was start and do good for a couple weeks and then something would come up and throw me off plan and then start again.

    I'm feeling pretty good about 2023 though. Both my wife and I seem to be finding our groove (she found it first back in October/November). It's been a little interesting getting back into exercise since we're both "retired" from our respective endurance sports...so kind of making that switch from the grind of training to just being more active recreationally and in general...but who knows, I might get the itch again come spring and find a
    couple of charitable events to ride this season if I
    get bored with just having fun.


    Cheers to 2023 and it being a good year for all!
    ❤️😊yes
  • kmcintosh1988
    kmcintosh1988 Posts: 35 Member
    Like everyone else I say You Do You. She’ll come along when she is ready. Not because you push her. Pushing her makes her ba k it up. You do your thing. Get healthy. She’s watching! Good luck.
  • Solz23
    Solz23 Posts: 18 Member
    Like most ppl in the comments say , don't pressure her she will definitely come around and start her journey as well . I'm sure if she sees how determined and consistent you are in your fitness journey she will want to join you , try to make it fun aswell so she can see that its not just something boring:)



  • TwitchyMagee
    TwitchyMagee Posts: 4,579 Member
    And even if she never wants to, she’s a grown-up and it’s her choice
  • Revolu7
    Revolu7 Posts: 1,035 Member
    edited January 2023
    Its already been said, but the best thing to do is lead by example and hope that your positive energy is contagious. If your wifes physical ailments like knee pain is not enough to spur her on her own to make a move toward weight loss, than your words wont either. They will just come out as hurtful and annoying, and it doesnt matter if your intent was truly to help. Be positive in what you are doing.... and be a good listener not talker. Fitness has very lttle to do with the physical, its a mental state of mind that brings the body with it. If she ever mentally chooses to jump into a weight loss regimen than give your support, if she doesnt, than give her even more.
  • kevymetal_
    kevymetal_ Posts: 19 Member
    Thanks everyone for the positive feedback. We both just turned 35 and the realization is hitting pretty hard that it's not as easy to stay as trim and fit as it was 10 years ago. We both want to be the healthiest versions of ourselves as we continue to age. My wife is just having a bit more of a hard time getting motivated than I am. But I will take everyone's advice and just continue to cook healthy meals and go to the gym and let what happens happen. Thanks again!
  • MissAtomicBomb238
    MissAtomicBomb238 Posts: 65 Member
    Can you invite her to do things with you? Be that pickle ball couple or join a CrossFit gym or train for a 5k- but do it together- and not for weight loss. Simply to do a thing together?

    But I echo everyone else. Say nothing and just do you.
  • Sinisterbarbie1
    Sinisterbarbie1 Posts: 711 Member
    edited January 2023
    @kevymetal_ just reacting to your stated ages …. Is it possible that there are responsibilities on your wife’s shoulders you might not be fully taking account of? Do you have kids or family members who need help, or are you active in your local community through organizations, sports, hobbies, school, jobs, clubs, etc where your wife may shoulder more of the emotional/mental labor of organizing participation, making appointments, ensuring that the family gets there on time, appropriately prepared, with whatever is expected of you done/brought with and that it meets with everyone’s expectations. What about paying bills, making and taking people to doctor and dentist appointments, taking care of the house and laundry, doing the grocery shopping, taking time off from work or otherwise ensuring that someone is available to deal with any family/home related responsibilities like receiving deliveries, scheduling and handling home repairs etc. What about coordinating relationships with your respective families and friends and handling social obligations with any work or other acquaintances? Who handles that stuff and makes sure that everyone feels appropriately appreciated, thanked,, gifted, reciprocated etc. etc. How about things like remembering to send gifts and cards for birthdays and special occasions? Visiting people in the hospital/nursing home? Preparing and taking meals to friends who have suffered a loss (or maybe harder - finding the right words to say in a note or phone call).
    If you find that she might be doing some of the above (or other things like this I haven’t listed …. These were just a few things that came to mind as I thought about what my friends and I did just today) see if you can’t shift some of these obligations off of her task list by showing her that you are taking responsibility for them or getting outside help. Or just talk to her and be conscious about supporting her in juggling work and family and try to be generous in taking on more of the emotional labor involved in supporting each other to maintain a healthy marriage. Maybe her motivation for joining you in exercise and life in general will start to increase.

    ETA: here is a study from Harvard Business Review I found on providing support at home & work https://hbr.org/2019/03/research-when-juggling-work-and-family-women-offer-more-emotional-support-than-men
  • ___Soundwave___
    ___Soundwave___ Posts: 1,190 Member
    What about a daily/evening walk for 30-40 minutes? Great time to talk about your lives and over a year you'll add up some miles.

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